I'm a Big Kid Now

Been a while since I've typed to youse so I'll bring youse up to date.

As youse can tell, from the title, I've graduated to pull up diapers. Note to men: they are kind of bulky so they are great for speculation if you are into the bar scene.
I report to the butcher (surgeon) weekly, and one week he wants to chop again and the next he saya all is fine. Either way he "cleans it up" which is one extremely painful procedure.

Now I have an ethical question. Some of the old folks are up half the night raising a ruckus and interferring with my beauty sleep. And of course they sleep in their chair all day. So. when I see them dozing, I kick the chair to wake them. The pretty young nurse calls it mean, I call it tough love. What do youse say?

Quote of the month "Hey, I need that stuff."
Can you guess what the physical terrorists were doing to me, or where?

Did you hear about the bank robbers who tried to escape by driving through a car wash?

They wanted to make a clean getaway.

P.S. Kevin I lost your phone number. Please call me at 908.222.5142

Everyone else is welcome to call, too. Or else I'll kick your chair while you're sleeping.



http://www.humorbloggers.com

BORING LIFE

Yep, I am so bored. Just check out my weekly schedule:

Monday, Wednesday and Friday --

3:00am Wake up in a pain induced stupor (result of Percocets and Ambien). Staff washes me becaused I am so dopey. I then breakfast and wait for transportation to dialysis.

5:00 to 10:00am Dialysis, where I entertain my fellow mates and the PYN's.

11:00am to Noon Watch Price Is Right.

Noon to Midnight N O T H I N G.

Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, Sunday --

8:30am Wake up and have my lousy breakfast.

9:00 to 9:05am I wash myself. Can't take a shower yet.

9:05 to 9:45am Wash naughty bits with vigor -- hey, I said I was bored!

10:00am to Noon Work out in PT. Still can't stand alone.

Noon to Midnight N O T H I N G.

Now except for the daily wound dressing change or enema, I am not interrupted much, so give me a call. I promise to be funny, and since I am off most pain meds, I even make sense now and then. (908-222-5142).

http://www.humorbloggers.com

POETRY

So Mrs. "C" let me know that I hadn't written her a poem since "that big tree in the yard was a sapling."

This was weird because we are treeless, but we all have our delusional moments. Hell, I occasionally think I am the King of Portugal. Anyway, I gathered up all my romantic energy and came up with:

"I loved you then.
I love you today,
Even though your butt
Is now Ginormous."

It did bring tears to her eyes as she gently dabbed her peepers. She became so overwrought with emotion that she started punching me. This is common when one gets so overcome emotionally that they act inappropriately. Even to me, a patient with a healing stump!

Maybe I will try another, but get youse opinions first:

"Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
And you still
Have nice hooters!"

I bet she'll be pleased. Wimmin love a compliment...


http://www.humorbloggers.com

My Romantic History, So Far

Don't worry, this isn't porn related, or anything shady, and no body part references where you have to close your eyes. It is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Sometimes funny, sometimes sad, and yes, a bit pathetic. While I have titled it, "So Far...", it is most likely finished, but I do have to keep Mrs. "C" on her toes as she has checked out Nurse Juan. Her idea of Mr. Perfect.

It starts at the NY World's Fair 1961-65 when I was just a Young Crochety. You know the Fair with the big globe still sitting there in the background of the Mets games. If you went you probably have a picture of it with your aunt and uncle somewhere in your family photos.

What is important to note is that this is where I stopped in at the Philippines exhibit. Yes, now you know how I developed my life long attraction to Filipina nurses. It may also explain some of the issues I had with the overly affectionate Filipino mail nurse from many posts ago. Now I will have something else to chat about with my therapist, I guess *sigh*. Thought I was cured.

My first crush was a young asian girl (surprise). I tried to show I was interested by breaking off pieces of my eraser, trying to get them stuck in her hair.

Advice to any young lotharios: This pisses off your object of affection and usually gets detention. Choose another method.

The next young lady was a bit flirty with me so I was thinking about asking her out. Then she died. I refused to date dead chicks. While it is true they don't complain about the movie choice, they do attract flies at the drive-in.

After this audacious start, I started dating some cute little blond of viking descent. That should have been a BIG hint. A few weeks later I got a "Dear Joe" letter as she went off and joined the Marines.

Next was cute blonde 2.0. She asked me out. Few straight males would turn that down,. Most would have been cautious. Most men would have known they were being cheated on, not me.

Soon I met the first Mrs. "C". How would I sum up our marriage? KAPOW! ZAP!! BOFF!!! AAAAARRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!. Nuff said. So was this the end? Or would Crochety manage to find another terrible relationship?

Place your bets...

And the winner is...

Met a woman through the classifieds. Spoke for a few weeks on the phone. We found a mutually agreeable day to go to dinner. She then proceeded to eat more chinese food than a small group of sumo wrestlers while telling me about the great guy she met a few days before. With that you would think she'd offer to pay for part of the meal.

While going from flower to flower I joined a self-help group. Had a lot female members there so I stayed. Eventually an old friend of mine who was also a member brought a woman he had been casually dating. From the moment I set eyes on her I was smitten and have been ever since. Yep, I wooed her big time. What choice did she have other than to fall in love with me. I was a suave, debonair, stud muffin,and a prime piece of American beef on the hoof. AHHH, TRUE LOVE AT LAST.

Going strong for over 17 years, isn't this a happy ending "SO FAR"?



http://www.humorbloggers.com

Moving On...YAAAYYYY!

How wonderful to be away from "Alarmy". Here I am in Room 223.

My new roommate is gone most of the day in his wheelchair, watching the world go by. And he is very quiet and reserved. Ahhh, peace.

Trying to figure out what I should have Mrs. "C" bring me for dinner. Thinking of Wendy's baked potato and chili...

Call me at 908-222-5142.


http://www.humorbloggers.com

Food and Room Mates

What kind of club am I in?

Last night's dinner was a junior turkey club sandwich. I only wish I had a camera. Description: 2 dry, possibly stale, slices of wheatish bread with 1 (sliced with a laser nearly on an atomic level) bit of turkey, a see-through slice of tomato (probably Roma) and a leaf of lettuce. This was the most pathetic sandwich this patient has ever seen.

Today's lunch was a few slices of fried eggplant and a side order of boiled cabbage...How can it be right for Italian to be paired with Irish? Well, let it be known, a new food service manager was hired so hopefully boiled cabbage will never again appear with eggplant.

I have never spoken of my "roomies." Of course, in the past I had Mr. Mopey, a great guy. He eventually got well, left and started dating the Pretty Young Nurse. Since then, I have shared a room with Old Yeller (he screamed 24/7), the Escapee (slept all day and spent the night trying to run away setting off alarms). Now I have Alarmy. He as a bed alarm for his safety. Setting it off constantly, 24/7, he gets up, thinks he is in the bathroom and proceeds to pee on the floor. He mixed it up a bit today and pooped on the floor.

Yep, good times here! They assure me I will be moved to a room tomorrow with a better mate...wonder what surprises he will hold...

I will post my new info as soon as possible.


http://www.humorbloggers.com

Back In the Saddle Again

Oh, I mean back in the big boy bed again at the sub-acute to heal and do PT...Room 228 and my new phone is 908-222-5152.

Not that the hospital wasn't a great place if one has been hit by a bus (or feels that way). The longer I hang out there, the worse it can be...I came back to rehab with various rashes and fungus' (fungi)?

I tried to have Mrs. "C" take a picture of Stumpy, but she said it is too gross, no one would want to see it. Youse guys should let me know that you all would love to see the damage, you do right?

Before I close, I wanted to wish belated HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my faithful reader, Tess.



http://www.humorbloggers.com

So Many Commercials, So Little Time

As you know I watch a lot of TV and I like commercials. Sometimes though they confuse me.

For example, the ads for Cialis. In every one, the couples end up in separate bathtubs. Sometimes on the beach, sometimes in the woods.

This raises a question, "Where do the tubs come from?"

Now if I have to drop a pair of tubs around like that, well VIVA VIAGRA!

I have been here a week, the stump is debrided, the intravenous antibiotics are about finished, the hyperbaric therapy has started (the ear pain during the oxygen level changes is excruciating so they are putting in tubes so I can continue, of course...)




http://www.humorbloggers.com

...SIGH...

Greetings from the Stardust Ballroom on the 5th floor in JFK Hospital in scenic downtown Edison, NJ...sigh...

Nope, actually it is the same boring room in various shades of beige and yellow that I always wind up in...sigh...

I guess you can tell I am a little bummed today.

Most of the nurses, pretty or not, treat my stump ("Stumpey" to close friends) like it was a day-old half-price pot roast at Stop & Shop; but my night nurse was so kind and gentle when she changed the dressing that I hardly screamed.

Adding insult to injury, no good drugs this time. Last time I had Morphine, opiate patches, Dilaudid and Oxycodin (party on!). I remember having some awesome hallucinations. My doctor realized it was too much when I kept trying to hang up the remote on the phone receiver after "talking" to my friend, Mr. Mopey. This time since I am not having major surgery, I can only have Percocet. Something like the "M & M'S" of pain drugs.

I passed the criteria qualifying me for my first hyperbaric treatment yesterday and it was weird. Today they cancelled it. So check the schedule if you want to see a near nekkid fat guy in a glass box and stop by!



http://www.humorbloggers.com

New Development

Yesterday morning it was the usual stump check at the wound center...got there at 11:00. At noon, the doc decides that: Yes, the stump is infected and I will be admitted back into JFK Hospital to have intravenous antibiotics and debridement of the skin flap. I have to go under anesthesia for this since it will be quite painful. What a surprise. Hmmm, maybe we can be reacquainted with Mr. Morphine...

After a discussion of how we can save the knee, which I brought up, I asked for treatment in a hyper-baric chamber to promote the healing. This is now up for consideration.

Finally got into a room (5317, play this number)at 3:00. And since EVERYTHING here takes forever to be processed, I will probably be here for a while. My new phone is 732-321-7846.


http://www.humorbloggers.com

Happy Birthday USA!

I hope youse all had a happy and safe 4th of July, surviving with all your fingers, arms, etc.

Holy Heat Wave, its hot! I am not allowed to take a shower because of the wound, but "necessity is the mother of invention." I grab a bar of soap and get uncomfortably close to another fat guy and lather up...I then spritz myself with deodorant. It takes but a few minutes and keeps me "fresh as a daisy."

Good news on the head case scene to share: My psychologist says I am making great progress on my phobias. She still has some work to do on my fear of baked chicken. I know, one day at a time.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Correction...

In my new blog, regarding my afterthought...

In case you didn't figure it out, there should have been a period (.) after "Devils". And then a new sentence beginning with "A few years ago..." Makes more sense, no? Well, I am still healing....

http://www.humorbloggers.com

TIME OFF ?

After the hellish year I've been through, I got to thinking.

Shouldn't I be allowed to date?

It seems pretty young nurse (pyn) has an unattached pretty young sister (pys)who is a reader. What would be the harm in going on a double date with "pyn", her beloved Mr. Mopey, "pys" and ME?

Geez, I am only talking pizza and a movie, not a weekend in an Atlantic City casino...shouldn't I be allowed to share my gimpy studliness?

Oh, by the way, John McLean was just hired as coach of the Devils a few years ago. We shared a moment at adjacent urinals. I'm pretty sure he peeked too.


http://www.humorbloggers.com

Happy Fathers Day!

Any male can be a "baby daddy."

It takes a MAN to be a DAD!





http://www.humorbloggers.com

THE DAM HAS BURST

After losing a high stakes game of "Rock-Paper-Scissors", the winning nurse that beat me with a "rock" over "paper" was awarded the "opportunity" to give the fat guy an enema. This wonderful nurse was ever so grateful a few minutes later when my colon, ever aware and dreading the enema ("You are going to take what? Fill it with cold water and put it where!?") began to "move."

It seems the evacuation system kicks into overdrive at the mere mention of an enema. I produced so prodigioiusly that when the aide emptied my diaper (What?! Youse still aren't wearing diapers despite all the advantages I've described in the past!?), she said "OH, my God, that is huge!" Now, normally men are quite proud when they hear a woman say that with their undergarments off, and I was mentally strutting...


http://www.humorbloggers.com

MIDNIGHT RIDE

Thanks to everyone's good wishes or magic, most of my pain was gone on Friday evening. I had dialysis and was ready at 9 to be picked up and then I waited and waited and waited for the EMT's to bring me back to my sub-acute, Norwood Terrace.

Got back at midnight and was greeted by the nurse (the young, pretty one) who saved my life a few weeks before by insisting they take me to the hospital with my irregular heart beat. Didn't get my old room back, but it at least gives Mrs. "C" a new number to play in the lottery...231.

My gall bladder is inflammed so I can't eat what I want and I have a touch of pneumonia. Am I sounding like a hypcondriac or just and old broken down shell of a stud?

My new number is 908-222-5158. Don't be afraid, you can call me...



http://www.humorbloggers.com

Musical Rooms

The hospital is changing my room almost daily.

My pain level has decreased, so I am off the morphine. Good thing. I was hallucinating so much that in addition to the body tremors, I was teaching classes! "Hey, don't forget that hall pass and yes, you can go to your gym class now"...very scary. Mrs. "C" was the non-compliant student.

They found an infection so it is back on the antibiotics. The bandages are off and I will soon be going back to a sub-acute. Can you believe it? I STILL CANNOT GO HOME!

They tried to get me up on my "good" leg. This is the one affected by the stroke. It was just too weak. Oh, that's right, I haven't been on it for at least 6 weeks.

I am sure that I have only survived all this because of your good thoughts and prayers. Thank you for getting me through this nightmare.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Looking for Pain Management!

They did a second surgery Friday at 2:30 pm to prepare the leg for a prosthesis. They started the flap just below the knee. When that heals (weeks or months) I will be fitted. I am figuring I will spend that time at home. WHAT?! ITS ONLY BEEN A YEAR!

I have been in pain but not as much as now. The big toe is killing me...They have been trying and alternating pain meds. Nothing seems to work for too long. Mrs. "C" spent yesterday afternoon, but I slept most of the time hence the short, weird blog.

Heart rate has been stabilized and is responding to meds.

I slept through a round of morphine, so hopefully today will be a better one!

Thanks for the good thoughts!



http://www.humorbloggers.com

Call Me "Stumpy"

Yeah, this Saturday morning they whacked my left foot off just above the ankle. I always look for the weird angle in every situation and what could be more weird than coming out of a major surgery with all the surgeons, nurses and staff singing to the radio playing "Raspberry Beret?"

For the next few weeks I will be selling my stylin' left shoes on Ebay...

The one thing I know for sure: From now on, for Halloween, I will be a peg-leg pirate! Anyone know where I can get a parrot cheap?

Thanks for the prayers and good thoughts all this time...I am truly blessed.



http://www.humorbloggers.com

Back To Dictation

Told Mrs. "C" to send this over on Wednesday (she sure took her time):

GREETINGS from JFK Hospital! A couple of days ago I was told I had a minor heart attack. So minor it took them two days to detect it. Now they are poking holes in me about 12 times a day. The say I will be here anywhere from a few days to six months...In between tests, please reach me at 732-321-7384.



http://www.humorbloggers.com

Philosophical Quote of the Day

You don't always get what you want.

You don't always get what you need.

You get what you get.

I was working out in Physical Therapy the other day and noticed I was being "checked out" by some members of the fair sex...okay, so I was pumping a tiny, pink dumb bell, the ladies were, umm, over 85 (at least they looked that old).

Dammit, I liked knowing that I was a stud to at least some random octogenarians. So, I decided to enhance my inner GQ self. Mrs. "C" brought me several Hawaiian shirts to go with my too-short shorts. That will really drive the old wimmin crazy.

(Ed.note: WOO HOO!)

Type to you soon!

http://www.humorbloggers.com

P.S. to ba_hutch, the WINNER

I either didn't get your address or I lost it...please email it to me again so I can send you the DELICIOUS NJ pork roll...

http://www.humorbloggers.com

More Fun With NAUGHTY Bits

Last week I had a skin graft on my foot. This week it was discovered that it did not take.

One option now is to take skin grown in a lab from a baby's foreskin and insert it in the wound. (I swear I am not making this up.)

It makes me wonder that if I get err...umm...amorous will my foot grow from its current size 11 to a 14 or so?

Last week, on one of the facility's computers, I did some simple math problems. Yep, I got them all wrong. I am a math tutor and surely telling the kids the answer is "7,more or less," will really make my boss happy.



http://www.humorbloggers.com

ROOM CHANGE

Crochety wants everyone to know that since he keeps getting stuck with roommates that love to stay up all night screaming he is the only patient that has been moved twice in this lovely new facility within a month.

Physical therapy has him standing and getting into his wheelchair by himself. Quite a feat, no? Now he is ready to start walking and the foot doc decided to do a skin graft from his thigh to his heel and he has to stay in bed until Monday.

Pulleeze call him so he can complain to someone other than ME...908-222-5134.

Mrs. "C"



http://www.humorbloggers.com

55 !

HEY, HEY, IT IS CROCHETY'S HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

(and he is telling everyone that will listen...stop by for a cupcake!)

Mrs. "C"




http://www.humorbloggers.com

SOME GOOD / SOME NOT SO GOOD

Good is that Crochety stood up with a little assistance! He is feeling frisky...

Not so Good is that the darn laptop is attacking, we are working on it...his new phone is 908-222-5130.





http://www.humorbloggers.com

CAPTION T H I S ! ! !

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Winner winner chicken dinner

Errrrr, pork roll dinner.

ba hutch correctl gussed or figured out that yours truly is now belly buttonless
send your name and address to the email listedon the site, and you will be enlying the finest NJ taste treat

http://www.humorbloggers.com

My memory sucks

Since the stroke my memory is horrible. I mean I had a kickass blog post for you today. I can't remember a the title. My buddy in here has memory problems, too and it's hilarious.

He'll ask a ques.tion of me, Ill forget what he asked, then he'll forget what he asked.

Our conversations will last 2 hours, cover a myriad of subjects, and by the end won't remember a damned thing.

Don't forget the porky contest. A couple guesses came realy close.



http://www.humorbloggers.com

A Porky Contest

First of all a happy St Patrick's Day to youse.

I'm having a contest, sadly only one winner.

The prize is genuine NJ pork roll. Yum.

Earliest correct guess wins. One guess per person, per day.

Ok, here goes.

Regular readers have a huge advantage in this.

I'm missing a few body parts.

Some teeth, some toes.

But last year during this journey into hell, doctors took one more thing. It's nothing internal. What was it?

http://www.humorbloggers.com

How to have fun while while at the rehab center

Sure are a lot of hours to fill.

Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I spend about 5 hours at dialysis then about 30 minutes in PT.

Tuesday, Thursday I spend about 2 hours. Weekends about each day in PT about an hour.

That leaves (multiply by 7, add 23, subtract 14, divide by pi, add the negatve square root of 123) 39,534 hours, more or less, for mischief.

Because mobility is limited, so is mischief.

I have a grabber, which doubles as a nurse hiney pincher. Any nurse within about 6 feet of my bed is fair game.

Next I have my wheelchair, ideal for racing and cruising the halls for hiney pinching on the go.

OOOOOOOOOHHH There goes a new nurse. Maybe she'll want to look at my naughty bits.

Got to go. See youse soon.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Greetings and felicitations

I finally got online and I'm not busy throwing up so I guess it's time for a blog post. Me and the Mrs. are hanging in. My buddy down the hall is an engineer so he got me online, and will write the directions so I can do it every day.


So far, I sent two physical therapists running from the room crying. (skinny little beotches-heh heh)

Probably explains why I have a psychologist assigned to me. Can youse say anger issues?

I'm healing from the last 10 months of hell and getting stronger every day. Can't stand yet, but I'm working towards it. Got some machine where they slip like a heavy duty bra under my ass and lift me up.

Thanks everyone for staying with me. Your phone calls and messages have been a Godsend.

A special thanks to MA Fat Woman.

And Janna, why don't you call and we can discuss a pork roll contest?

http://www.humorbloggers.com

FROM JFK TO SUB-ACUTE

Last night Crochety was sent to a new sub-acute facility. I asked that he come home, but the hospital felt he was "too fragile". They seem to think that he is just too weak now, which is exactly what he projects. He did get excited this morning when I spoke with him and told him I bought a new 40" TV so maybe that will be incentive enough for him to work out more and get his strength up! Lord knows I have tried EVERYTHING else...

His new place is AristaCare @ Norwood Terrace in North Plainfield. Room number is 222B and his phone is 908-222-5140.

Here we go again!


http://www.humorbloggers.com

We Thought Calcium Was a Good Thing.

Crochety was due to go to rehab yesterday but the hospital is confused about where he is going. Crazy right?

Then his blood calcium level shoots up and the endocrinologist says he isn't going anywhere, except a new room!

He is in 2549 and the phone number is 732-321-7125.

We are hanging in there...Thanks everyone,

Mrs. "C"

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Room 4307. Haven't we been here before?

Crochety is still in the hospital but they moved him back to the Telemetry floor and now he is back on a heart monitor. We don't know why yet. Maybe just a precaution. All he is lamenting is how he is being pried away from the prettiest nurses.

He has been nauseous and dry heaving for the past 2 days, for which he is getting shots to calm his stomach. His para-thyroid gland is acting up and producing too much calcium. It is like a vicious cycle, no? All the doctors agree that if he pushed himself to move more and get the circulation pumping he would be on the road to recovery...

His new phone is 732-321-7383.

We are wishing you a great Superbowl day! Maybe he needs a couple of beers to set him up right. I will be snacking and cheering next to his hospital bed...oh goody...

Crochety is still going with the Colts, but I am sure it will be the SAINTS!


http://www.humorbloggers.com

new room...old friends

They moved him down a floor, room 3221.

His phone is now 732-321-7214.

Crochety sat in a chair today for an hour. It took 4 little nurses to move him in and out of bed. Don't know if it was good or bad that they recognized him and updated him on what was new with them.

They will most likely be sending him on to the old rehab facility for p/t very soon.



http://www.humorbloggers.com

From ICU to Telemetry

Thank goodness the blood pressure has stabilized! Phew!

Crochety is still in tremendous pain, but trying to hold off the pain meds...when they moved him to his new room, they didn't transfer all his med orders and he didn't get a sleeping pill as he requested so he was up all night. This should be the least of his problems!

Now in room 4305.

Phone is 732-321-7384.



http://www.humorbloggers.com

HANGING IN @ JFK

Thank you all for the good thoughts and prayers!

Joe got through the leg vein bypass on Friday afternoon, but is still in ICU because his blood pressure cannot be stabilized. If he takes the pain meds (LOTS OF DISCOMFORT SO YOU KNOW WHAT HE IS THINKING) he needs a medication that constricts his blood vessels which is detrimental to his leg blood flow.

As soon as he gets a phone again, I will give you the new number!

You are all such a blessing!

Tired Mrs. "C"

http://www.humorbloggers.com

THOUGHT HE'D BE HOME BY NOW...

Since Crochety's team of doctors have now decided his circulation is not close enough to what it should be, they are going to do the approx. 4-hour leg vein bypass operation tomorrow.

This is serious, so send ALL good thoughts and prayers. Thanks for all your past kindnesses...

Mrs. "C"


http://www.humorbloggers.com

So far, So good

Crochety got through yesterday's angioplasty with a big "YES" from Doc Wong. The decision was made to do this first because the bypass will take approx. 4 hours. For this part he didn't have to go under anesthesia, just had local. Doc thinks circulation to the foot has been improved so much that Crochety may not have to have the leg vein bypass. He debrided the wound on the his heel and if that improves over the next few days, Crochety will have gotten yet another miracle!

He was moved to room 2519 and his new phone is 732-321-7148.

Oh, Crochety says "Go Jets!"...EX Mrs. C says, "Go Saints!"...



http://www.humorbloggers.com

operation

Hi All,

Leg vein bypass operation set for tomorrow, Friday, at 1:30 PM.

Thanks for your good thoughts and prayers.

EX Mrs."C"


http://www.humorbloggers.com

update news

This is the EX MRS. CROCHETY.

Against my better judgement I read the last entry and just reminded myself why I do no longer read the old fuddy dud's posts (because he will never grow up).

However, I felt I should let everyone know that he is in JFK in Edison, yes again, room 2543. His phone is 732-321-7121.

He should be having the vein bypass surgery tomorrow on his leg and hopefully this will increase circulation so his foot wounds will heal.

Thank you for your good thoughts and prayers.





http://www.humorbloggers.com

I still got it

Please if you see Mrs. Crotchety do not reveal the contents of this post. I'll tell her the post has to do with something medical so she won't read it.

But you can tell everyone else because it is amazing.

A really pretty nurse has been flirting with me.

Yes, indeed.

This old crip has been flirted with by a really hot nurse who is in her early 20's. And she has seen my naughty bits. (They must be even cuter than I thought.)

I should go back and find my first serious girlfriend, who dumped me, and let her see me today, with my Svengali-ish charms. HOOHAAAAAA.

I was going to end this post with a pcture of myself, but then I would have to deal with scores of women getting all flirtatious. That is just too much darn work.



http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Eight, so far

We've all seen the devastation in Haiti. Watched the tally rise.

10,000,

20,000

50,000

200,000

But it's really meaningless to most of us.

But not to my aide, Nerlande (Nelly,) who is from Haiti. She has been walking around for the last few days hiding tears. I asked her if her family has been in touch with her, and are ok.


She has lost some members.


"Eight, so far."


Now it became very personal.

I know I'll remember hearing that for a long time.

The kind, gentle woman who has helped care for me for months has suffered a tremendous loss. Nameless, faceless victims aren't dead, but relatives of a friend. And since the initial reports, she has lost even more family and friends. The toll rises.

Sure I gave her a condolence card, and a few bucks to help out. But it is so little. I am asking everyone, if you have been thinking of sending some money to a reputable organization to help out, please do. If you haven't, please reconsider.

Here on the East Coast we have a huge Haitan community. Many of our friends and neighbors have lost family. Help for their sake.


http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Crap, crap, crap

Next week my leg is being operated on. Seems there is no circulation below the knee (oh the joy of diabetes) so they will do like a bypass in an attempt to save the leg.

Sounds like a lot of pain. I hope youse guys get me through it like the previous operation. This shouldn't be as potentially dangerous as the last time, but things have a way of going badly for me. The lovely and talented Mrs. Crotchety will provide updates. I'll be getting a fresh Brazilian.
As usual, if I die, thanks for reading.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Hey there, little buddy

I've always been a rather corpulent guy, with my recent weight loss (180 lbs) some rather striking changes have occurred.
I can see my toes!

For the first time in many, many years I can see my naughty bits!!! And they are cute as can be.

I knew they were there all along, but I was going on blind faith, for there had been no visual confirmation since 1968.

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Bunch of rambling stuff

Has anyone noticed Brendon Fraser has gained a lot of weight, but all in his face?

The EMT transporting me today looked exactly like Zena the Warrior Princess.

I thought that was weird.

I wonder if being an impersonator would be a good job? It would certainly be easy enough. I look enough like John Popper to impersonate him, unfortunately no one knows who he is.

I've been making progress. I get in a wheelchair using a sliding board.

Sounds like fun, huh?

Imagine shoving a board up my bum, then shimmying down to the chair.

Oh joy. Splinters on my naughty bits are just one hazard.

Speaking of my naughty bits, a new aide started last night and within minutes, she was introduced to my naughty bits.


http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Whoosh!!!!!!

Christmas came and went and Mrs. Crotchety didn't get a present from me.

Let me run my idea past youse because usually your ideas are pretty good. I was thinking of a stripper pole. Good idea or great idea?


http://www.humorbloggers.com

Merry Christmas

Merry Chrismas to everyone!!!

May there be Peace on Earth!!!



http://www.humorbloggers.com

Guess where I'm going in January?

Well after conferring for 2 months about my foot (not the reason I've been in the rehab center,) the doctors decided I need to be operated on.

So, until the sawblades have another whack at me, my phone number is 732.650.8419

If you haven't done your Christmas shopping for me yet, a phone call is the perfect gift.

And a special thank you to The Middle Aged Fat Woman who sent a box o' Christmas Goodies, along with phone calls.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Holiday Shopping

I wanted to buy Christmas presents for all my bloggy friends, but the shopping opportunties are rather limited.

Here is what is in your virtual Christmas package:

An adult diaper, available in white (how borinng)and sea (foam much more festive.)

4 oz. cups of cranberry juice

An autographed picture of my naughty bits ,suitable for framing, (not so special as nearly 300 health care professionals and a dozen nursing students have seen them already.

A Sponge Bath by Dave

Let me know which you picked... Or whether you picked them all.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Formula for sleep

Since so many of my internet buddies have trouble sleeping I'll share my sure fire way to a restful 8 hours.

Step 1 : Have bum washed with warm, soapy water.
Apply powder and fresh diaper.

Add Ambien 5 mg

Plus Dilodin (Also spelled Dilodid) 4 mg equals good night sleep.

You're welcome

By the way, Ambien is known for hallucinations involving giant chickens I am disappointed to say I was hallucinaton free.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

I think I need another pain pill

Here's the long awaited first pulished photo of my surgery. Just looking at it makes me want to have the Lovely Nurse Treena inject me with some Dilodin.

I've been sick and in pain this week, so I haven't been able to post. Prepare to be filled in.

I had minor surgery on Monday. Idiot assistant doctor caught my back in some machine 4 (four, IV, quatro) times. leaving me slightly bruised. Yay for pain meds!

I decided to give up cursing, so if anyone calls me I'll mime most of the conversation.

This will be funnier for those who know me: I'm on food supplements and apettite enhancers. The nurses giggle when they give them to me. The supplemnts taste like a melted McDonald's vanilla shake, with added chalk for texture.

Type to youse soon.



http://www.humorbloggers.com

Change is coming

I expect to be discharged in a few weeks. Mrs. Crotchety isn't too thrilled with my embracing of the diapered life, and she mentioned something about potty training.

Or was it paper training?

Ether way, warm soapy water clean ups are a thing of the past.

And I don't expect to say "Don't be shy, dig in there," anytime again soon.

Youse may have noticed I'm answering your cumments again. Proof I'm doing better.

I'll cut this short as the ambulance will be here shortly to take me to the doctors for an appointment and the pain meds are kicking in.

In about 5 minutes the hallucinations start.


http://www.humorbloggers.com/

The crazy night nurse strikes again

Regular readers know about ny crazy night nurse. She woke me up one time at 2 a.m. for my 4 a.m. pickup for dialysis. Another time she woke me up at 2 to make sure I wanted to get up at 3;30.

Well Friday she struck again.

My wake up time is 3:30 a.m. (Jealous? Don't be a hater)

Anywho, she comes into my room at 3:40 and I am sound asleep. She wakes me out of what was obviously a deep sleep then she asks me if I'm ready to go.

I smell like warmed over gym clothes, and my diaper smells exactly as you think it would.

No, I'm not. So she tells me they'll be in to get me ready, and hands me Dilodin. Normally, I get it before dyalysis because the transport guys are as gentle with me as Rocky with a side of beef. But if it is too early, I babble incoherently. It was too early. So I got to explain to transport what they had to do while I was high. Surprisingly it all worked out.


http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Groping nurses and more

As most of you know, September was a Dilodin filled month. I spent most of it sleeping and hallucinatting.

Or so I thought.

According to Mrs. Crotchety, and my doctor, both fairly credible sources, I had taken some nurse and refused to let her go.

I asked Mrs which nurse it was and she said she didn't know. I told her Ihoped it was Nurse Treena because she is the most beautiful nurse in the world. No such luck.

And now Mrs. isn't speaking to me.

Oh, I wanted to thank Marisa who called me yesterday. Her call was a pleasant break from the incredible boredom around here


http://www.humorbloggers.com/

So much great blog fodder

So much to say, I hope to have more days when I feel well enough to sit up and blog.
I hope to visit everyone's blogs soon. I've gone to a few over the last couple ofdays.

Because of my drain bamage I have trouble reading longer posts because I forget what I just read. I have trouble counting, too..



The mission of pt is to try to get me to stand up. I haven't stood in months, so it's kind of a major undertaking. They have put me in a couple weird Rube Goldberg (Kids look it up) machines. They have used various devices to do it, but so far, no luck. Today they couldn't even get me out of bed.

Be back tomorrow with some Diloudin-laced adventurous memories.




http://www.humorbloggers.com/

In Support of Adult Diapers

I have been diapered for a few weeks, and to be honest, I'm enjoying them.



I'm sure most of youse still buy in to the "Big Boxer" Cartel or are under the spell of the "Tighty Whitey" Syndicate.



I'm here to tell you of the joy of adult diapers. Yes, friend, they are not just for funny pictures on Google images any more.



Here, in handy list form, are the top 10 reasons for the move to diapers.



1. Never again fear the wet fart.



2. The Texaco station bathroom is a germ infested nightmare. No problem.



3. Win bets with your friends. Next time at the bar, have a contest with your non diapered buddies, last one to use the restroom wins. Pound your favorite brew while enjoying the others squirming.



4. Your naughty bits and bum are cleaned with warm soapy water. Aaaah, yes, warm soapy water.



5. You can pee while talking to your mother-in-law. Expand the mental image as needed.



6. No need for a Halloween costume. You'll be the hit of every party.



7. Add a sash and instant Baby New Year. And it will be every bit as hilarious as Halloween.



8. Never leave in the middle of a movie for a bathroom break.



9. Now you don't have to carry a seat cushion to a sports event.



10. They are available in such designer colors as sea foam and eggshell. They go with any outfit.


http://www.humorbloggers.com/

The Floodgates Are Open

Yesterday I set a record for the rehab center, 6 poops on one shift. Yea me.

Two qualified as mega pooooooooops.

So today, I took a chance with solid food, sausage and pancakes. The pancakes are a speciality here as they are crunchy.

Don't ask.

Because my bum and naughty bits have been so traumatized by recent events, the pt staff got a special cushion for my wheelchair. It cost $5000. You read that right.

My butt should be pleased.


http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Important poop update!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know this is important because of all the exclamation points.

Yesterday, after the Fleet arrived, there was still no movement.

Then, while cleaning me up, the aide tried to help, erm, "manually."

Yes it did hekp because it appears my butt had Been atempting to form diamonds, not realizing that would only work if I ate a coal based diet.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

not this




dis one


Ouch



http://www.humorbloggers.com

Phun with Pharmaceuticals

In case you missed it, I've been in the hospital the last 7 weeks enjoying surgery and other delights.

I also learned of Dilodin.

While I am no sort of recreational drug user, I almost look forward to various pain killers the doctor describes. This time I developed a favorite. Not only does Dilodin have incredible side effects, incredible halluciations, but no giant chickens. Instead I saw different people in my room and imagined my numerous gaseous emissions could be seen by me in shapes of mardi gras beads of various sizes and colors. Weird, huh?

I also have found out that sponge baths are not what they are cracked up to be especially when given by a guy named Linus.

I have lost count of the number of people who have seen and grabbed my naughty bits.

I have access and so I should be blogging regularly soon. I am making some progress.


http://www.humorbloggers.com

Soon to be blogging...

Crochety is now at Cedar Oaks Rehab Center, Room 110A...still on THE PAIN DRUG...but in pill form so he is more alert when he isn't sleeping. Started physical therapy and his laptop was dropped off today. His new phone number is 732-650-8419.



http://www.humorbloggers.com

Still On Drugs

Just wanted to let everyone know that Joe is out of ICU and off the telemetry floor. Believe it or not he is back on the floor he spent 4 weeks on with his pretty nurse friends. Just waiting for him to start more p/t and the weaning off of his favorite pain med, come back to reality and blogging...



http://www.humorbloggers.com

Got Another Miracle!

Tuesday afternoon at 5:00, Crochety went in for the much awaited "tummy tuck." Fortunately, it lasted half the time they thought would be needed. Surgeon took approx. 35lbs. of tissue and fat away and cleaned out the infectious areas. He looks great for a guy who has gone through what he has. He is in ICU just as a precaution and his hand is on the pain med button. Now to the healing process. Please keep up the prayers and good thoughts.

Mrs. "C"


http://www.humorbloggers.com

Where is Doctor House?!

Dictated @ 2:00 pm:

You all know how much I appreciate all your kind words and prayers -- I even laugh alot when I read the comments Mrs. "C" prints out and brings me.

Most of my day is spent fending off vampires. There is still talk of transferring me to University Hospital in Newark, the only place in Jersey that has fresh maggots, but they cannot find a doctor willing to take my complicated case so I am hanging out here.

The highlight of my night yesterday was when my student nurse, Gina, was so excited that I gave her supervisor permission to let Gina change my wound dressing. At 10 pm 6 students nurses came in to watch and aid in my the cleaning and bandaging. Apparently tape was a very important item.

I am still anticipating my Dilodin shot every 3 hours. It not only kills pain but also has a recreational effect. I am no longer on Nurse "Toots" floor but she comes to visit every couple of days with recommendations for my treatment. Pretty nice, hey? My Nurse Call Bell seems to be for amusement only lately. If they don't come in a timely manner, especially at bathroom times, they are sorely rewarded...

FYI...not for the easily embarrassed...My naughty bits are being flashed at least a dozen times per day. I don't know if everyone else is enjoying it, but I am beginning to...

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Going Down That Road Less Travelled...

Dictated @ 9:00 am:

The associate to the hematologist that okayed the operation came in at 2:30 pm yesterday and said he was not comfortable with the latest decision and I would again have to have blood products before he could give permission for my "tummy tuck." At 5:00 they started giving me the the blood products, 2 units, 1.5 hours each. Surgeon doesn't operate after 6 pm. At 7:30 nursie tells me that they are looking into Maggot Therapy instead of operating...near the GROIN area? Nuff said.


http://www.humorbloggers.com

My New Award

Dictated at 7 pm, Wednesday:

Don't be too jealous, but I just found out that after being here 3 weeks, I am being considered for "Best Patient of the Year." Humble guy that I am, I am sure that I will win! The chosen hemotologist came in to let me know he was going to take more blood and do more tests. The surgeon came in later to let me know that it would take FIVE days to get the test results back...this takes me to Monday. Maybe then they can operate. Incredulous.



http://www.humorbloggers.com

Bummer...

Dictated at 7:00 pm


They again cancelled the operation due to my inability to maintain normal blood coagulation. They decided today to call in a hemotologist. No word yet on when they will operate. I go in and out of sleep from the pain killer. Tomorrow is dialysis and that just exhausts me. This is going on forever...

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Operation -- NOT

Dictated 8:00 pm on Friday:

My operation was pushed from 9 am to 10 am. The anesthesiologist decided my blood was not up to par and cancelled the operation until 6 pm. It turns out the clotting factor was just not good so I received blood products and still at 6 pm after hundreds of blood tests I was borderline. Surgeon doesn't like to operate too late as statistics show late night operations result in too many complications. It is a holiday weekend so they are not going to do my "tummy tuck" until Tuesday. ACCCKKKK!
Fortunately, I am still in the same room, 3223 and phone is still 732-321-7213. Call if you can. Mrs. C is getting tired of entertaining me. I miss my pc!




http://www.humorbloggers.com

New Info

Yep, they moved me to another room. 3223. New Phone: 732-321-7213. Thanks for keeping in touch!



http://www.humorbloggers.com

I Was Right...

Dictated on Saturday at 3:30 pm:

Again I was misdiagnosed. For three weeks I have been complaining about pain in my lower abdomen and telling the "professionals" I have an infection, which I based on a fever and pain like I have never had before. They based their findings on guesses. It turns out I have an intense infection resulting in ulcers bursting forward in a matter of 72 hours. I have "skin necrosis," from the Greek origin, or "death of skin" which is from the English "HOLY CRAP!"

I am on heavy doses of intravenous antibiotics and it appears that they caught it in time to avoid surgery and resulting in some lessening of pain. However, they did up my pain medication -- Dilaudid IV -- which is stronger than Morphine and seemingly quite a bit of fun! A very attractive nurse has been changing the dressing twice a day and yes, I do cry like a little girl. This is worth putting up with for the pain med.

If anyone wants to call me here at JFK Hospital, my newest phone number is 732-321-7223. THANK YOU for all your kind thoughts and prayers.

Here we go again

The visiting nurse just stopped by and suggested I go to the hospital, so I'll be leaving in a few minutes. An infection has set in, causing ulcers.

I'll let youse know what I can when I can.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

The Zoo of Depressed Animals

Did you ever wonder what happens when circus animals can't cut it? When they just can't line up for the circus parade?

For a couple of decades, they came to New Jersey, and lived in Scotch Plains at the Terry Lou Zoo, the most depressing zoo in the world.

Sometime in the late 80's, I went with the Spawn to enjoy the entire zoo experience. We started out with a pony ride. It was a typical little path around a pond filled with greenish water. Then it was off to see the animals.

We saw some foxes and other small creatures pacing nervously, some in circles, others back and forth.

We really wanted to go to the monkey house, always a crowd pleaser. But we couldn't enter because of the intense ammonia smell.

Maybe the giraffes would be better. Tall, friendly, and again, in a cage barely large enough to contain them. Kids would reach up to pet them or offer up a snack.

The Spawn wanted to but, I saw that one of the giraffes didn't look well. We took a couple steps back, and just in time...
He sneezed blood over all the kids "lucky" enough to be in range.

We stayed a bit more, but it was more of the same; sick and depressed animals pacing endlessly in tiny cages.

Eventually, the zoo closed, and today, it stands abandoned, overgrown and unknown to most passersby.



http://www.humorbloggers.com

Quick Update

I'm home and remain couchless.

*sigh*

The living room has been turned into a medical supply showroom, and we couldn't fit a couch in here anyway with the assortment of things like walkers, hospital bed, canes, crutches, wheelchairs, special recliner, and a commode.

I'm sporadically online because the 3 days a week that I get dialysis I'm sick all day. They upped my time to 5 hours which I hope makes it better.

Got to prepare my blog post about the NJ zoo for depressed animals.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

It's Zoo Week

On the blog.

We always liked going to the zoo, and one of our field trips was to the Bronx Zoo.

Zoos back in the 60's weren't like they are today with natural settings and everything. Nope, it was a bunch of animals in cages being gawked at and taunted by kids and adults.

Our little band was no different. No, we didn't toss our drink cups (well, maybe a few) but the zoo sold souvenir rubber tipped spears. Naturally, every animal was threatened with a good spearing. They were all far enough away, that it was a hollow threat.

That is until we got to the jungle cats.

You see, Jack and Carl's entire reason for the zoo trip was to see the jungle cats. Penguins and monkeys were ok, but didn't have the cool factor of the big cats. And the stupid cats just layed there. No random roars, no frantic pacing. Nothing.

They decided to take matters into their own hands.

Remember I said the cages were just open with iron bars?

The lazy cats just nestled against the cold bars, leaving themslves exposed to a weapon of some sort. Say a rubber tipped toy spear.

Jack and Carl whacked the cat's tail. It barely flicked it's tail.

Alternately, rythmically, they began tormenting the beast by rapping on it's tail.

It leaped to it's feet, and clawed at the spears, and let out a mighty roar. Carl and Jack were frozen with fear, and may have soiled themselves.

Best school field trip EVER.
http://www.humorbloggers.com

Yay!!!!!!!!!

After nearly 2 months of getting poked and prodded, and really lousy food, I'm going home today.

I couldn't have done it without you.

Thank you.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

My new shirt

I got up at 4:30 a.m., as usual. I got dressed in the dark, and something didn't feel quite right. The shirt felt like it was inside out.

But no, it buttoned ok, so that wasn't it.

So I went into the hallway and waited for the transport guys. They loaded me up and into the ambulance we went.

Zipping along in the early morning, by the interior lights, it hit me-- I had on a puffy shirt.



There were ruffles and busy scrolls everywhere!

Apparently the Crotchety Old Lady is playing some perverse joke on me.

The nurses here are terrible. I've been waiting 40 minutes for pain medication. And this morning the nurse came in at 4 a.m. to ask me if I wanted to be awakened at my usual time of 4:30 a.m.

Can't make this crazy stuff up.

And thank you my favorite goat, Pricilla, who sent a nice get well card and a small gift. I appreciate it.




http://www.humorbloggers.com/

More Tests

I was in the room for testing. Suddenly in walks



He starts sniffing me all over. Yup, even my naughty bits. After a few minutes, he leaves the room.

A short while later, she walks in



and stares at me. It was kind of creepy. Finally, she left.

After a few minutes, the doctor finally shows up. He announces he has the results.

"Of what" I say.

Of your lab test and cat scan.



http://www.humorbloggers.com/

It never ends

Because hospital personnel treat people like hunks of beef, tossing us around and pummeling us like Rocky,



it looks like I have to go in to the hospital for tests.

The severe abdominal pain that my doctor hoped was nothing, looks like it may be something.

Should my entire abdomen be black and blue?

By the way, guess who was the first doctor to submit a bill?

Dr. Asshole, the one who misdiagnosed that I had a stroke.

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Whew!!!

In the 11h hour, Horizen BCBS corrected their mistake, so I have a few more days here. Everyone should be back from vacation Friday (today) and will make arrangements for a successful transition.

The Davita Dialysis center social worker will be back Tuesday, so she will help on her end.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

It's a Clusterf*ck

I can't think of another way to describe it.

The person in charge of discharge told me Horizon BCBS is discharging me Friday. Then she went on vacation. But Horizon BCBS is not ny primary insurance.

All I have to do is show my Medicare card and all is well.

I never got a Medicare card and a replacement takes 4 weeks.

The nurse for at home follow up care came in yesterday, did an evaluation of my current situation and said that going home now would be medically dangerous.

The dialysis center person who could help me is on vacation.

I called Medicare and they said call Social Security.

Social Security said Medicare should handle it.

SHIT!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, but sometimes nothing else works.

Odds and Ends

Do you know you go to the movies with someone, and their bladder is the size of a walnut, and they insist on getting a giant sized Mr. Pibb? Naturally they have to run for a "pee break" and want you to fill them in on what they missed during their break. What an annoyance.

But thanks to the interwebs check out the website Runpee beforehand and your Mr Pibb swilling compatriot will be able to choose a slow part of the movie to do his "bidness" and you won't have to fill him in.

Follow up on my dialysis: They determined my "dry" weight. That is my weight minus the extrs fluids.

How much extra fluid was there? 12 gallons. Holy crap!

The insurance company said I'm better and wants me released Friday. The PT department said I'm not ready, the doctor said I'm not ready...but what do they know?

Lastly I have a Korean PT that scares me. She really puts me through the paces. She tiny but tough.

File photo

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Advice for Men

Every so often I give advice for men to help them keep the woman in their life happy. Or to women on keeping their man happy. (Men are simple, beer and sports and occassionally a little wink wink nudge nudge knowwhatImean?)

While I have explained The Price Is Right Theory on gift giving (women get as excited as the idea they may get a gift as actually getting one) occasionally it becomes necessary to buy something for them.

The thoughtful gift giver pays attention to a woman's needs and selects the perfect gift.

Here's some examples of how I have delighted the Crotchety Old Lady.

Last winter, I noticed that she was struggling while shoveling the walk. It wasn't even Christmas, and BAM! I got her a brand new ergonomic snow shovel. This little gift will make her think of me for years to come. I'm sure she appreciated that it was for no reason. That made it even more special.

It's the little things that count. She complained that she spends so much time in the kitchen and could use a break. So BAM! I got her a cookbook for 30 minute meals and easy clean spatulas. Thar was the happiest Mother's Day ever!

While it is important to listen and observe, sometimes just go with your gut. I did this one birthday, and it was her best gift ever.

I woke her up nice and early, 5 a.m. because she wouldn't want to waste any valuable birthday time sleeping. I rushed to get her in the car by 6, and started our journey. As we drove down the highway by dawn's early light, she pretended to be grumpy, but I know she was really happy. As we approached her birthday gift, I wasn't able to keep it secret.

She was going to drive a steam train in New Hope, Pa.!

She was overjoyed! At first she didn't want to climb aboard the engine. But the fireman encouraged her, and she climbed aboard. I made her promise not to stare at the shirtless, sweaty, rather well muscled young fireman as it would probably make him uncomfortable while he shoveled the coal into the boiler, and she said her eyes would not wander from the track.

Well, she successfully helped the engineer by ringing the bell and blowing the horn. She got off the train an hour later thoroughly soaked and with soot in every crevice of her body. And she pronounced it the best birthday gift ever as she waved goodbye to the young fireman.


http://www.humorbloggers.com

I Want My MTV

I had the TV in the hospital, and for a mere $4 a day I had access to entire network of about 20 channels including the Breastfeeding Channel and the Stained Glass Window Channel.

The Stained Glass Window Channel showed a stained glass window for 23 1/2 hours a day, and for 30 minutes had inspirational religious progamming. The Breastfeeding Channel is the porn channel.

Now in rehab, I have Dish TV, with CBS, NBC, ABC, Fox, WOR, WPIX, Discovery, another Discovery, TLC, USA, TBS, some Spanish channel, and 3 Hindi channels. And Dish TV is awful. If there is a chance of rain, it goes out and becomes the "satellite is searching for a signal network."

I miss my days of sitting on the couch (RIP...sigh) and flipping endlessly through my hundred or so favorites, watching Magilla Gorilla, and Spongebob, and Beaver, and Reno 911 (my cable channels are awesome) thinking my joy would have no end.

Me and my remote--what a team.

When I get out of here, I'll be spending some quality time getting reaquianted with my TV.

I've written a haiku for my TV

My cable TV
Bringer of such happiness
I miss you so much

Can't you feel the longing and the love?


http://www.humorbloggers.com

Drain Bamaged

Regular readers may have noticed that my posts have been rather skimpy. I'm pretty much tired as on dialysis days I get up at 4;30 IN THE MORNING, and then come back after 4 hours, to do 2 hours of physical therapy.

But the main problem is the brain damage from the mini stroke. I have a problem concentrating. I used to read hundreds of blogs a day and make lots of comments. Now I barely have the energy to read 20 or so, and I barely comment.

Remember Corky from Life Goes On? He laughs at me.

But everything I've read said my brain will come back. I hope it does, I've found it really comes in handy.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Please do me a favor

In rehab I only have a few channels to watch. One of these channels is TBS. The Dell mini commercial is aired every 5 minutes.

So please buy a Dell mini, or don't buy one whichever will get them to take the commercial off the air.

I'm ready to stick Tootsie Pops in my ears.

And one more thing, how did anyone decide a computer is like a lollipop?

http://www.humorbloggers.com

All New Jersey Arrested in FBI sting

A sting that was 10 years in the making came to a successful end in New Jersey last week. It appears that the entire state 44 people, including 3 mayors, 2 legislators, and 5 rabbis and various other citizens were arrested for charges that included money laundering, influence pedaling, and the trafficing of body parts.(how much for a kidney?)

New Jersey continues among the leaders in the nation, with 130 politicians arrested in the last 8 years. Maybe it's the economy. The recession hit New Jersey so hard the Mafia laid off three judges, a police chief and two mayors.

But we have a long history of this stuff. Back in the 80's the Abscam Scandal involved a NJ Senator.

In the 1990's CBS news called my hometown, Edison, the most corrupt town in the nation.

Was it because our town sold a park with historical significance to a developer for 2 million bucks, then when they realized their mistake, bought back part of it for 6 million? To ensure the developer took the deal, they condemned and seized "abandoned" land across the sreet and included it. By the way, the "abandoned" land had a bus depot on it and the bus business was in excess of a million dollars a year. That didn't matter.

Nope, that didn't even figure in it.

The godfather of corruption in Jersey politics is Frank Hague. He never made more than $9000 in a year, yet after 30 years as mayor of Hoboken, he left an estate of $5 million. This was back in the 50's, when a million dollars was big money.

Our largest city, Newark, has not had a mayor leave office without a jail term following since 1962. The last mayor is currently serving a 20 year term.

I suppose we should look the bright side. We have 566 municipal governments. So the means 563 officials didn't get arrested.

Yet.

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

I Miss Hospital Food

Holy crap!!!!

The food in rehab makes hospital grub seem like haute cuisine.

Yesterday's meals were a new low.

Breakfast was corn flakes and a turkey sandwich.

Lunch was an plain omelet, they don't even give me ketchup, with a side of carrots. Lemon jell-o in a shape of a ring for dessert.

Dinner was spaghetti topped with ground beef, and a side of mixed vegetables.

Now I look ahead to next week. Sunday night dinner is cabbage soup.

BTW, what the heck is turkey loaf?

The Crotchety Old Lady is gonna have to smuggle in rations.

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

The Mayor's New Clothes

Remember the fable of the Emperor's New Clothes?

If the newest candidate for Mayor of New York City wins the election, that story will come to life.

The Naked Cowboy

He has the name recognition factor. He'll be able to save on clothing expenses. He claims no one knows how to do more with less.

With all the politicians caught stuffing their pockets, it might be good to have a politician without pockets for a change.

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Those crazy nurses

I haven't been able to post because of the nurses. I go for dialysis on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and transportation is by ambulance at 5 a.m.

What time does the wacky nurse come in to wake me up with a bowl of corn flakes?

2:30 a.m.



Seriously.

So basically, I spend my days shuffling around like a zombie. Trying to take a nap is nearly impossible. And the worst part is the they always seem to find something for me to do during the Showcase Showdown on The Price Is Right.

But the good news is I'm avoiding wedgies in PT.

I'm getting stronger and even jogged a few miles shuffled about 20 steps.

The food doesn't really agree with me so I fart every time I stand up. It's just like my exercises have their own theme music.

If the crazy nurses let me sleep, I'll be back tomorrow.

My new number is 732.650.8441

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

10 Things I've Learned

I've learned a few things recently and decided to share them with you.

1. When a person with a sharp instrument is about to poke you, and announces "You may feel a little pinch," or "Bee sting" they have never been pinched or stung by a bee.

2. Pooping at an 87 degree angle in a bedpan, occasionally produces messes. No need to test this yourself.

3. Wedgies are an effective method to get old fat men out of a wheelchair.

4. "I'll be right there" is a relative term in the hospital. It ranges from 3 minutes to nearly a half hour.

5. Spongebaths from Nurse Heather -- good. Those from Nurse Dave -- not so much.

6. Brazilians are a good look for porn stars and bikini models. On old fat men they aren't. They make the cute nurses look at your "junk" and giggle. And they itch when growing in.

7. Hospital kitchen staff can't cope with "different". If there is a request for hot or cold tea with no sugar or artificial sweetener, they lose their minds. They will send either "diet" tea (blech) or 12 packs of the pink stuff. Also foods exist there that are nowhere else. I just had grape flavored jelly. Completely grape-free.

8. The nicer a person in a lab coat acts the greater the odds that they will do something painful to you.

9. If you refuse to do something, no matter how logical it is to refuse, you will be labeled "non compliant." And spat upon.
Ok, not really spat upon, but shunned. And given only green jell-o.

10. Fellow bloggers are some of the kindest people on earth.

I have received phone calls from Quirky, Lobo,
Don,
FishHawk,
Deb
Dani
Dizzblnd
Secondary Roads
I know there were more but the stroke kind of killed part of my brain and I really can't remember right now. But for every call, I am extremely grateful.
And, of course, I'd like to thank Janna for the hilarious get well card.

I'll never forget the blog posts by Ettarose, Nanny Goats in Panties, Nonamedufus, and others and the well wishes from all my blogger friends. It all meant so much during a very dark time.

I'll do my best to get back to humorblogging without that hospital smell.



http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Crotchety Gets A Brazilian

This is a smoother and more manageable Crotchety here.

It seems one part of a heart catharazation involves violating my naughty bits in a way they had never been before.

That's right, I got a Brazilian. The good thing is now it takes only a minute to get dressed. And, of course, every nurse has to check the incision--and see the old man and giggle at his baby -like smoothness.

Since I've been in the hospital, they have removed some excess water fron my body.

How much?

Nine (9)gallons!!!

By the way, my phone number in rehab is 732.287.9555 ext 170. Mornings are ususlly the worst time. I'll start visiting my friends blogs soon.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

I Have Access!!!

Mrs C has been girlie-ing up the blog, so I had to take matters into my own hands and eventually convince the doctors to transfer me to a rehab center with access.

Here's my first post:

I’m in rehab, and not the good kind with partied out celebs. I’m here with your phlegm-y Grandpa. But I do have access to wifi.

I managed to get out of the hospital thanks to all your good thoughts and prayers. It certainly wasn’t due to the doctors who did their best find every test they could give me before screwing up.

“Sorry about lowering your blood pressure too much and causing that stroke, Crotchety. But that was actually a good thing because it was a minor stroke and now we know you have to be careful because you are susceptible to a deadly one.”

Yeah that was the quote, except for the apology.

I got hit with enough gamma rays (Noocular Medicine they call it) that I have the Hulk’s greenish hue, but not his strength.

I have catheters hanging out of me and more needle tracks than the average junkie.

And I’ve developed a taste for green jell-o and graham crackers.

I’ll try to be back tomorrow with some surprising news.



http://www.humorbloggers.com

Room 444

Play that number!

I had my catherization today. It just wore me out. They picked me up from JFK this morning at 12:00 am and brought me here to RWJUH...Kept me up asking questions that were already in my files. By the time I finally fell asleep it was time to go to the Cath Lab.

I do have some blockage but it can be treated with meds and I will be getting a pace maker down the road.

I have yet to speak with a new neurologist for my brain stuff.

Now for a nap!



http://www.humorbloggers.com

Moving On

Dictated today at 1:30 est...

It turns out that I did have a mini-stroke and there are other brain occlusions. Since I am going to a another hospital, Robert Wood Johnson University Hospital in New Brunswick, the brain guy is going to have this checked out further.

Tomorrow I will be having a cardiac catherization/angiogram to let me know why the chest pain. WISH ME LUCK.

By the way Corky, how is that couch-raising fund coming along?

Thanks to everyone for their phone calls and cards. Your kindnesses are so appreciated.


http://www.humorbloggers.com

From Room 4330

Dictated to my "private secretary" at 4:00 pm today...

Greetings from JFK Hospital in Edison, NJ! I wanted to let you all know I really appreciate all the good thoughts and prayers from my fellow bloggers. My most recent phone is 732-321-7364. Should you call be aware that my speech may be a little slurred which is reality right now and not for comedic effect. If you would like to be on equal footing enjoy a half bottle of JD prior to calling...

Beware pornish content ahead:

As luck would have it I was assigned a student nurse -- WOOO HOOOO -- Of course I got the only male nurse on the floor. His first order of business was to check with me to see if I wanted him to bathe me so I asked to see if he had drawn the short straw or lost a bet. I must be living right because he left and returned with two lovely FEMALE student assistants -- a blonde and a redhead! THANK YOU!

I am having a lot of wierd problems. The audio specialist, a.k.a. Dr. A_ _ H_ _ _ , was convinced I was faking my not hearing. The doctor covering for my PCP came to my rescue and let him know that the first week I was not having any communication problems. All the new nurses, physician assistants and doctors that have been paying me visits since Saturday ask if I have always been confused and having these verbal challenges.

I still have my part-time position here as a pin cushion. High number of sticks today is 11.

I look so forward to getting on line soon!


http://www.humorbloggers.com

The Saga Continues

This is just to let all you followers know that Crochety still does not have access to the internet from his hospital bed...yes, I said HOSPITAL BED. This is incredulous I know.

He was set to go to a sub-acute facility for physical therapy last Friday, but got chest pains so he was kept for observation. Then they gave him the wrong med dosage and he lost his hearing and speech. Since his cardiac doctor was away they didn't do anything until Monday. Very scary! He had every test going with good results but still has intermittent "white noise" in his head and he can form sentences now. I can understand him when he talks at this point.

He did get annoyed with me when I didn't have my camera to take his picture for you while he was getting his EKG. The look with all the wires attached to his head was priceless.

Yesterday while getting physical therapy he had chest pains and then again later last night. He has been shuttling back and forth between the telemetry unit and the "I am ready to get out of here floor." Today is a CT scan. He is continuing dialysis and is bedridden. Spoke briefly with him this morning and he sounds exhausted.

I will print out any comments and bring them to him...not much else cheers him up...except for the lovely young nurses!

Thanks for the prayers and good thoughts!


http://www.humorbloggers.com

Update from Mrs. "C"

The old man is still in the hospital...and still hating it, especially since he can't get an on-line connection. They moved his room Wednesday morning one floor down to the old wing. This crisis is more frightening to me than the others have been. Maybe because he waited much too long to admit it was one.

Joe just found out he has a staph infection. The heart doc is trying to level out his blood pressure, which keeps spiking, so he cannot go to a sub-acute facility as was planned. He is currently scheduled for surgery some time today to have the shunt put in his arm for the dialysis.

Much thanks to everyone for their calls.

Your prayers and good thoughts are very much appreciated.



http://www.humorbloggers.com

How to Win Friends and Influence People

While in the hospital, I get to meet lots of new and interesting people.

My nurses are great. And, unlike previous visits when care was provided by nurses named Sarge or Dave, this time it has been mostly beautiful and caring nurses. They could be underwear models, they are that pretty. And no, not underwear models like from the old Sears catalog, but the good kind.

There is Nurse Toots, and Nurse Wicked Awesome, both credits to the health care industry.

And then there are the Poking Techs. I have no idea why, but the techs are borderline evil.

Always poking around where they don't belong. And for some reason, they are always angry.

Angry pokey people suck.



www.humorbloggers.com