Sunday, July 27, 2008

Taking Questions From the Ladies

For the last few days, I have been taking questions from ladies to help bridge the gap between the sexes and to provide some understanding of the male mind.

I am well qualified to do this for 2 reasons:

1. I took a Sociology class in college
2. I have been a man for most of my adult life

This is for education and entertainment only. Please do not use any of this information for nefarious purposes. I trust you. Questions have been shortened because some of you ladies go on and on, yadda, yadda, yadda for space.

The first question comes from Jenn. She asks “What is the maximum number of words I can use with the average man before he tunes me out? I suspect it’s around 5.”

Jenn, Jenn, Jenn. Have you ever heard the Kenny Chesney song, “You had me from hello?” His attention span is that short. One word. And that is not unusual. Most men start the tuning out process at word 3. By word 5, all but the most resolute of men are hearing the teacher from the Charlie Brown cartoon.


Good Grief

A typical conversation with me is, “Crotchety, would you mind if wahh wahh wahh wahh wahh wahh. If you toss in a few salacious words, and perhaps the mention of a food item, it may get you a few extra words. Generally, though, consider anything after 3 the bonus round.

Dani asks, “What the frig is in the remote control that a man can’t put it down?”
Dani, the need for the remote is hardwired into a man’s brain. Back when the first Caveman, Bob, sat around, he needed to have his trusty spear with him at all times. Whether hunting, or protecting his brood, Bob needed his spear at the ready. Modern man needs his remote to hunt for quality programs, and protect his family from feminine hygiene commercials.

Both Anok and Shyne were concerned with men’s seeming inability to carry their own keys, glasses, etc.
First, no way, no how, is a man ever to carry a man bag. It’s in bold print on page 11, 3rd paragraph in the Man’s Handbook. You have to just accept it, just as we accept that you say my green pants don’t go with my purple shirt.

The Get Smart Gal wants to know how men really feel about chicks who know more about sports than they do?
While I have never witnessed this phenomenon, the handbook clearly states that a man should celebrate the fact that he doesn’t have to explain to his lady for the millionth time that if the Yankees are wearing pinstripes, they are in New York, at Yankee Stadium. Or that, no, he’s never noticed how cute the running back’s butt is. And that he still wants to wear his A-Rod jersey even though A-rod may have cheated on his wife. And yes, he knows wrestling is fake. Please note, these are hypothetical scenarios, and the Crotchety Old Lady would never do that.


Both Jeunelle and Arcticulates expressed concern that men seemingly hold on to their clothes, basically, until the last Fruit of the Loom guy is barely hanging on.
We need to go back to Bob, once again. Bob had to work pretty hard to get his clothing. He couldn’t just go to J.C. Penney’s. Oh no, he had to go and slay a dinosaur, or a bear, or something for his duds. And once you have done that, you are not about to just toss them because of some minor imperfection like a hole.


In fact, I have a T-shirt from a Milli Vanilli concert that is just a collar and one sleeve.


While on the subject of clothing, both Dani and Anok (they were very inquisitive) wanted to know why men seemingly leave clothing haphazardly. This practice dates back to the Middle Ages. Clothing was scarce, and marauders would often ransack villages seeking it. By leaving their clothing in no discernable pattern, men would outsmart the marauders.

The last question for today comes from Jan. She wants to know why men don’t call when they promised to.

I‘ve researched this.

Back in 1914, Guy Whistlebritches met a lovely woman named Ethyl Woodmyre at the fashionable Dew Drop Inn. They exchanged numbers, and Guy promised to call later that night.

On the way home that day from the toaster factory, Guy decided he wasn’t going to call Ethyl.

Since then, well, it just kinda became a guy thing.

I’m sorry I didn’t get to all the questions. I may do a part 2 in the near future if anyone found this useful.
Thanks for stopping by, and as usual, I'm always glad to be the helpful blogger.


Bradley said...

Sexist, sexist, sexist! Now let's high five, say fk yeah and spit.

Da Old Man said...

@ Bradley: You left out killing something, grilling it, and then smoking cigars.

MYM said...

Now I feel so informed and fully prepared to go out into the world and interact with your species.

Da Old Man said...

@ Drowsey: That was my intention. I'm the world's most helpful blogger.

TheFLy said...

haha, that was some funny stuff. Now if you dont mind, I have to scratch my balls. Im now going back to hunting for some UFC and Sportscenter with my spear-like remote. *takes off shoes and socks and tosses them at the end of the couch where they will stay*

lot 2 learn said...

I'm not sure you should be giving out our secrets. It is possible that it could be used against us

Adullamite said...

Well I saw nothing wrong with that. However asking women questions would be a good follow up, such as,"Why talk so much with nothing to say?"
I wonder how short the answer would be?

Anonymous said...

You don't know how tempted I am to invite questions from men.

Or, maybe, armed with this new information from you, I should do a piece on how to counteract the caveman behaviour of our menfolk and drag them kicking and whining into the twenty-first century?

I think I may just go for the second option.

Be afraid.

Chat Blanc said...

This could make you a very famous or infamous man (depending on the gender of the reader I would suppose). Especially effective if you could combine this information with the money making scheme from yesterday's post. Yup, muy potential.

Chat Blanc said...

muy? I said muy potential? let's try mucho, or maybe I'll just shut up now. sorry, I'm not awake or possibly alive. (damn dysfunctional brain!)

Da Old Man said...

@ Armando: No problem. Thta is the only excuse to lay down the remote.

@ Lot2learn: I know I'm taking a chance, but I have found most women will analyze my answers so deeply, they will become semi-paralyzed, and unable to utilize them.
Plus all men know women speak a different language. Like when you ask a buddy what's wrong, and he says "nothing" and it is nothing, but when your wife says "nothing" it is going to eventually involve you apologizing and buying her something expensive.

@ Adullamite: It's worse when women say nothng. See above answer.

@ jay: You're on your own with that

@ Sandy: muy or mucho? It's all bien, or is it bueno?

Anonymous said...

This post is hilarious CrotchetyOldMan
I don't have much experience with men since I usually throw them out of my house right after sex but those that have stayed a while were working my nerves. They had to go.
Well done post, I enjoyed it.

Anok said...

Ha! Very well, er, researched. And stuff. Heehee I'm glad to know that no clothing marauders will steal my husband's clothes in the middle of the night. I am afraid however, that we may be sued when said marauder trips on the clothes and shoes, and breaks his ankle, trying to steal the clothes.

April said...

what a great post! laughed my arse off!

Da Old Man said...

@ Juenelle: Thank you. I likeyour style.

@ anok: But when the marauders trip, can't you use some ninja mind trick to make them forget all about it?

@ April: Thank you

GetSmartGal said...

As always good stuff here!! I think you need to make this a regular occurrence. It's like stepping into animal planet :)

Da Old Man said...

@ Get smart gal: I feel like I'm leading a safari.


wow! I think this has changed my life and will rev up my marriage! You should be a relationship counselor:)

What do you mean a man most of your adult life? funny!

Da Old Man said...

@ Health nut Mom: I'm like a mentally challenged Dr. Phil. I threw that in there just for grins.

Nardeeisms said...

This one was extra fun to read on a Sunday night! Thanks for the laughs! - Nards

Da Old Man said...

@ Nards: Thank you

Jack Payne said...

If you would spend less time yellling at cars, and more time doing extensive research, you would have discovered that the first cave man's name wasn't Bob. It was Fred. And, where do I get a copy of The Man's Handbook? I want to study up.

Da Old Man said...

@ Jack: Normally, I would consider that Fred was indeed the first Caveman, but I studied extensively the development of language, and the ability to use the "Fr" sound did not come about until long after Bob and Al's time. But language did advance rapidly after Fred, and names like Barney and Sophocles were as common as Chad and Kyle are today.

Anonymous said...

Ha! Thanks for the explanation of men not being able to trash the threadbare clothing! Deep insight you have there! My hubby has a t-shirt like you have, only the sleeve has permanant imprint of a cigarette pack on it! :)

Anonymous said...

Well, OK, I didn't exactly invite questions, but I got a nice blog out of it! Tee hee.

Da Old Man said...

@ Arcticulates: I'm always glad to help

@ jay: Let me know when you post, I'd like to read it.

Bryan said...

ok ok ok I must confess I thought that this was just a shameless attempt to drive traffic but I definately enjoyed it. Just one question though. Did your Milli Vanilli concert shirt come with a vagina?

Unknown said...

Very informative post.

As I suspected.

Only three words.

Keeping it simple.

Da Old Man said...

@ Bryan: I don't do that traffic driving thing. I blog every day, so I'd have to do it every day. Way too much effort for me.

@ Jenn: You deserved to know.

Bryan said...

dude, just busting your stones. All of your traffic is well deserved.

Unknown said...

Ha, this was some funny shit. Thanks for the information. I now feel a tad bit more knowledgeable now....

Da Old Man said...

@ Dani: I'm the helpful blogger

Porter said...

ok ok ok I must confess I thought that this was just a shameless attempt to drive traffic but I definately enjoyed it. Just one question though. Did your Milli Vanilli concert shirt come with a vagina?