Some Randomness on a Sunday Morning

We at Crotchety Old Man World Wide Headquarters and Discount House of Worship have considered going to a magazine blog format. Easing into it with a newspaper one first, what do you think? I like the "Sunday morning with the paper" feeling it gives, but it may be too restricting.



If we go to the magazine format, the Crotchety Old Lady will probably have a section giving snow shoveling pointers, and maybe (for the ladies) a spot here or there giving tips on how to land a smoldering chunk of man meat like me.

And, as usual, we will remain your "go to" source for Oprah's Vajayjay news, and the occasional Richard Simmons updates. Richard has been conspiculously absent from the blog lately. For my new readers, Richard Simmons is the most famous person to ever sweat on me.

Check in tomorrow, for why Montel Williams is a scummy low life.

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Caption This (Guess who's Back?)

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

More Answers To Ladies Questions

Answering Questons From the Ladies Part 2

Because the ladies are so darned inquisitive, I will answer even more of their questions.

In case anyone missed part 1

http://crotchety-old-man-yells-at-cars.blogspot.com/2008/07/taking-questions-from-ladies.html

Let me get right into it.

Jenn queries: Why is it when walking past a guy, often he will start whistling a tune? Not a cat call, just start music making.

I can’t believe women don’t know the answer to this. It’s almost too easy.



That’s right. Mick Jagger. The man has dated, married, and had several children with models and supermodels. Women describe him as soulful, sexy, and who knows what else they imagine. I posted a glamour shot from years ago. We all know that today he looks even more like a troll doll. If he were a dock worker from Port Newark, even a good hearted hooker would charge him double. And don’t make me post pictures of Rod Stewart and Keith Richards.
Musicians get the babes, and Jenn, you are experiencing men who understand that.

Lauren wants to know why men would kiss women they apparently have no further interest in.

Women are cunning creatures. They plan and study, and think ahead. I’ve witnessed junior high school young ladies doodling. It will be a heart with the name of her current beau running through it. She will practice writing her name as Mrs. Guy Whistlebritches. Meanwhile, Guy is busy doodling tanks, airplanes, and weird animals. Men pretty much are simple, reactive beings. We don’t put that much thought into anything we do concerning amore.

Anok needs to know why men stash food in the unlikeliest of places.

Of course men need to hide it an unlikely place. Would my stash of chocolate be safe from the Crotchety Old Lady if I left it in the cabinet instead of…wait a minute. Was this a trick to get me to reveal where my chocolate is?




No, it’s not in my sock drawer.

Next question comes from faithful reader Sandy

Concerning Richard Simmons, Donald Trump, and Gene Simmons, what is up with their hair? Do they think their ‘do looks good?

Sandy, men have a very tenuous relationship with their hair.

When I was young, I had a full, lustrous head of hair




Today



not so much.

That is why we do everything we can just to pile it up. Style isn’t as important as its existence. We don’t care how it looks. We are just happy it’s still there.

Sandy also asks (she had a lot of good questions) why don’t more men get pedicures.

Sandy, lots of men get pedicures, but most of them already have boyfriends.

Anok (I’m starting to know her husband well) would like to know why men are such babies when they are sick.

This is a myth. Women need to know that because men are the bigger and stronger of the species, they get much more powerful illnesses.
Your little cold is nothing. The germs that affect a man have been scientifically proven to be twice the size and strength as the tiny germs that infect women.
I’ll prove it. Women generally get sick first. The germs develop and get stronger in your system. When you pass your used germs along to your man, they are now larger, and fiercer than ever.

Pamela wants to know if men are attracted to outgoing smart women, or quiet, not so smart ones?



What was the question again?

Oh yeah, ummm.

Moving on.

Lucy VP asks:
Why do men expect applause after such basic tasks like washing up?

We expect it because we deserve it. Few things make men happier than getting dirty, greasy, and smelly.

Look how happy Mike from Dirty Jobs is

Guys would spend all their lives without taking a if it weren’t for women.

So, yes, when we do something like acting civilized, we do expect accolades.

I’m sure these responses have answered all your man questions.

You’re welcome. I’m glad to be so helpful.


Humor-Blogs.com

Good Manners Are Important

I did promise Drowsey Monkey that today’s blog was going to be chock full of porn and illicit behavior, so, just for her, I am typing this post pants less.

Which reminds me of something else. Years before meeting the Crotchety Old Lady, I dipped into the newspaper personals to try to meet someone.

It didn’t go well at all. And here’s some advice for the ladies: even if the guy taking you out is a total loser



don’t scarf down 30 dollars worth of Chinese food while telling him about some other guy you met.

It’s just bad manners.

I learned everything about manners from Goofus and Gallant while reading Highlights Magazine in Doctor's Offices



I wonder what ever happened to them? I’d like to think that Gallant became a great dad, and a family man, while Goofus just became a used car salesman.



I’ve done some research. I’m reasonably sure this is Gallant today:








and what happened to Goofus?

Happy Birthday

In case you haven’t figured it out yet, today is Richard Simmons 60th birthday.



And I am presenting Simmonspalooza.

All Richard, only Richard.

Grab a piece of sweat resistant birthday cake, and watch a few minutes of some of the funniest video around.

On Ellen



A great visit to Letterman (my personal favorite)



And, of course, the classic,

Whose Line Is It Anyway Appearance



And finally, never forget



Thanks for stopping by for Richard’s birthday, and please take a party favor on the way out.



More about my love-hate relationship with Richard Simmons, in case you missed it.
http://crotchety-old-man-yells-at-cars.blogspot.com/2008/06/close-encounters-of-richard-simmons.html

Awards--Now 100% Richard Simmons Free

Yesterday, I was awarded the prestigious arte y pico award by Jenn of Cabbages and Kings and the blog Thrift Shop Romantic http://cabbages-n-kings.blogspot.com

I would like to thank her for her generosity in sharing this award, and just so you know, this does come with a history and some rules. Clearly, this is nothing like the Trophy that accompanied the 1979 Men’s Sunday Church League Underhand 10 Foot Arc Championship Team. (Go First Church of the Good Death and Discount House of Worship Blue Devils!) By the way, we were 17-2. I pitched and won 16 of those games, and lead the team in beer consumed batting. Oh yeah, I used to be an athlete.

Back to the trophy. It was originally hand crafted by Gregorian monks in the 15th century, and has been passed down to the descendants of …no wait, that was from a movie…It was made by the monks, and it was stolen by marauders who put it in a cave defended by a killer rabbit. So, the monks used the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch


… wait, I think that was another movie.

I’ll just post the rules from the website http://arteypico.blogspot.com/ :

Rules:
1) You have to pick 5 blogs that you consider deserve this award, creativity, design, interesting material, and also contributes to the blogger community, no matter of language.
2) Each award has to have the name of the author and also a link to his or her blog to be visited by everyone.
3) Each award-winning, has to show the award and put the name and link to the blog that has given her or him the award itself.
4) Award-winning and the one who has given the prize have to show the link of “Arte y pico”blog , so everyone will know the origin of this award.
5) To show these rules.
Simple enough. So, now I have the awesome responsibility of passing along this award. I read and enjoy around 50 blogs a day, so I recognize quality in blogging. Unfortunately, I suck at decision making. I’ll simply pick 5 of the blogs that are on my can’t miss, read every single day list.

First, I’m going to pick the Soccer Mom Files. http://momjeansblogger.blogspot.com/
I know that’s not what the link says, but everyone knows I struggle with technology, and I don’t quite have the ability to do the links right, but at least these are clickable, so keep yer pants on.
I picked this relatively new blog because it is well written and very funny. And she has little cyber fish named Paul, John, George, and Ringo who I feed every day by clicking.

Next, I’m going to pick Shadow Crystal’s blog. I’m keeping with my theme of choosing blogs with names different than the link.
http://internettreasuretrove.blogspot.com/
You’re just going to have to deal with that. Shadow is a college student who finds some of the best video’s and delivers some truly inspired rants in the Crotchety tradition. And she speaks Canadian, so I’m keeping with the spirit of the award by giving it to someone who speaks another language. I’m also building bridges between the USA and Canada. I feel really badly about giving Canada noogies the other day on Canada Day, so I‘m hoping to make up for that.

Third, to Mom’s Crazy Life. Anyone who has 6 kids and works as a nurse, and finds the time to blog about important things like the death of her toilet deserves something. http://www.momscrazylife.com/. Her blog is a good read. She may not be June Cleaver, but she rocks.

Fourth award goes to Gumby the Cat. The author is a science fan, and that by itself should be enough. But wait, there’s more: His blog is well-written and researched. I know, it’s not as impressive as near naked pictures of Richard Simmons, but it’s still pretty awesome.
http://gumbythecat.blogspot.com/

The final choice is the toughest. I wish I had 10 more awards to give out, because I read that many really interesting blogs.
But, rulz is rulz.

My final choice is for the award is How is Bradley.
http://www.howisbradley.com/
This blog is written with a degree of honesty that is rarely seen when dealing with a subject as important as mental health. He takes everyone on his journey and manages to maintain a sense of humor in what can only be a very stressful time. He also is an artist, and turns out cartoons that sum up our health system in a manner that make one laugh and cry at the same time.
Let’s have a big round of applause for all the winners. Don’t forget to tip your waitresses, and drive home safely.


Humor-Blogs.com

Wordless Wednesday, Richard Simmons Edition

Humor-Blogs.com

Another Pleasant Valley Sunday

I'm all over the place this morning. I decided to do a Larry King type post. If anyone hasn't read anything from Larry King, it's basically stream of consciousness writing. Whatever pops into his head, he writes. And he gets paid. I can only assume he gets paid pretty well for this because Larry King is rich. I only know Larry King is rich because he's had a couple dozen really beautiful wives and, well, no one's personality is that good.




Yeah, I know, I shouldn't judge him based on his looks, but oy vay.

And he has married some incredibly beautiful women. Ok, lightning striking once, sure, but seven times? And his last one was just after his 103rd birthday.

He has to be the luckiest guy on the face of the earth.

back to my stream posting:

Stop telling me kids today are smarter than ever. They are getting dumber, but thanks to self-esteem building exercises, they feel better about being dumbasses...Damn, I love strawberry Greek yogurt. If it wasn't a couple bucks for a tiny cup, I'd have it every day instead of the industrial strength store brand crap I usually buy...I watched the Solomon Brothers movie on Starz last night. Some movies would have been better off as 20 minute shorts...Stop telling your kids anyone (even him or her) can grow up to be President. Unless you are filthy rich, it ain't gonna be one of your spawn...I have to make up my mind about Richard Simmons. Does he annoy me so much that I'll never mention his name again, or does he fascinate me so much that I can't stop mentioning him? Though he is the most famous person I ever met...I could never lead a sing-a-long. The only songs I know are The Night Chicago Died, Rocky Racoon, and the Viva Viagra jingle.


Bet you thought this was going to be a picture having to do with Viagra

...Why can't someone make broccoli taste like chocolate donuts...Anyone else remember when a million dollars was a lot of money...I've seen a new service called Twitter. Lets your friends keep up with you. I'll save everyone the trouble in my case. 1. Get up, go to bathroom. 2. Sit on couch. 3. Go to sleep...
Another big timesaver. I get those list things in email every day. Questions lists.

I'll save you the trouble as they all have these same 5 questions, and my answers are always the same.
1. My favorite color is pinstripes.
2. My favorite number is 5.
3. Yes
4. New Jersey.
5. I'm not wearing pants
...I always hear about overpaid sports figures. No one is worth that much money. I just read that Madonna is getting divorced, and celebrity gossip persons are wondering how her $600,000,000 will be divvied up. Maybe the trampy star can sing, but she can't hit a slider worth a damn...I need to talk to a psych doctor to find out why I have so many unresolved Richard Simmons issues...Type to you tomorrow, in the meantime, have a swell day.





Humor-Blogs.com

A Saturday Morning Post

On Father’s day, I included a short clip of a video from 1999 as Kevin Rowland covered a song from the 1960’s. The song was covered, but much of Rowland wasn’t.

Freddie from www.Nedthetoothpick.com has been searching for the entire video for months. He finally found it on youtube.

Dr Rob at Rob’s Megaphone www.robertstevenson.wordpress.com recently posted about the strange music of 1973.

Ha: wait until he sees this entire video.

Warning: The following video is offensive, suggestive, and should not be viewed by anyone.







Ok, that's better.

I just feel I have to make that up to you somehow.

I'll let my good pal Richard Simmons handle it:



Disclaimer: Management claims no responsibility for mental anguish caused by this post, but does apologize in advance.

Humor-Blogs.com

Close Encounters of the Richard Simmons Kind

In the United States, we have a few quirky rules. Don't wear white after Labor Day for instance. One of the most unusual concerns our health program. No, I'm not talking about health care again. This is much more than that. The rule is that once one stretches to a certain girth, that person must either go on the Oprah Show, or meet Richard Simmons.

If one chooses the Richard route, we do have some addendums to this rule. It's not as simple as saying "Yo, Richard Simmons, what's up?"

It's much more involved than that. Once uber fatness is attained, one must sweat with Richard, and then hug him, and then cry--not necessarily in that order.

I achieved the weight limit, and so, a few years ago, I had to meet Richard Simmons. Quiet down. I don't make up the rules, I just follow them.

So off to some hotel in New Jersey I trudged, knowing I had to face the inevitable. The gallows seemed a more pleasant thought.



I did what was required-- yeah, I sweated to the oldies with Richard. This isn't really that much of an accomplishment because I can work up a good sweat opening a jar of pickles.

As bad as working out with a few hundred fellow corpulent rogues was, I then had to meet Richard, one on one.

I'm not big on hugging guys, but I can assure you, hugging a sweaty Richard Simmons wearing his 1970's style glitter-enhanced NBA short shorts was awkward and uncomfortable to say the very least.

And then I had to tell him my story. Richard began to cry and sweat on me.

Then Richard made what I thought was an extremely nice gesture. Maybe my day would be ok after all. He gave me a card with a phone number on it. He said to call, it was his personal number, and when I was ready to make a change in my life, to just give him a call. I was overwhelmed with emotion. I had lost my father shortly before this, and this kindness was just enough to put me over the emotional edge.



I thought about that day for weeks. Maybe Richard Simmons wasn't such a tool. Perhaps he wasn't a slimy, money grubbing shill.

I hemmed and hawed. Finally, I mustered up the courage to call.

I nervously pushed the buttons on the phone. The phone rang. The anticipation was palpable as I wondered who would answer.

His assistant? Some answering service who would page Richard so I could talk to him?

Richard himself?





No, it was the sales office for



I should have known better.

My home gym