Back In the Saddle Again

Oh, I mean back in the big boy bed again at the sub-acute to heal and do PT...Room 228 and my new phone is 908-222-5152.

Not that the hospital wasn't a great place if one has been hit by a bus (or feels that way). The longer I hang out there, the worse it can be...I came back to rehab with various rashes and fungus' (fungi)?

I tried to have Mrs. "C" take a picture of Stumpy, but she said it is too gross, no one would want to see it. Youse guys should let me know that you all would love to see the damage, you do right?

Before I close, I wanted to wish belated HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my faithful reader, Tess.



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So Many Commercials, So Little Time

As you know I watch a lot of TV and I like commercials. Sometimes though they confuse me.

For example, the ads for Cialis. In every one, the couples end up in separate bathtubs. Sometimes on the beach, sometimes in the woods.

This raises a question, "Where do the tubs come from?"

Now if I have to drop a pair of tubs around like that, well VIVA VIAGRA!

I have been here a week, the stump is debrided, the intravenous antibiotics are about finished, the hyperbaric therapy has started (the ear pain during the oxygen level changes is excruciating so they are putting in tubes so I can continue, of course...)




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...SIGH...

Greetings from the Stardust Ballroom on the 5th floor in JFK Hospital in scenic downtown Edison, NJ...sigh...

Nope, actually it is the same boring room in various shades of beige and yellow that I always wind up in...sigh...

I guess you can tell I am a little bummed today.

Most of the nurses, pretty or not, treat my stump ("Stumpey" to close friends) like it was a day-old half-price pot roast at Stop & Shop; but my night nurse was so kind and gentle when she changed the dressing that I hardly screamed.

Adding insult to injury, no good drugs this time. Last time I had Morphine, opiate patches, Dilaudid and Oxycodin (party on!). I remember having some awesome hallucinations. My doctor realized it was too much when I kept trying to hang up the remote on the phone receiver after "talking" to my friend, Mr. Mopey. This time since I am not having major surgery, I can only have Percocet. Something like the "M & M'S" of pain drugs.

I passed the criteria qualifying me for my first hyperbaric treatment yesterday and it was weird. Today they cancelled it. So check the schedule if you want to see a near nekkid fat guy in a glass box and stop by!



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New Development

Yesterday morning it was the usual stump check at the wound center...got there at 11:00. At noon, the doc decides that: Yes, the stump is infected and I will be admitted back into JFK Hospital to have intravenous antibiotics and debridement of the skin flap. I have to go under anesthesia for this since it will be quite painful. What a surprise. Hmmm, maybe we can be reacquainted with Mr. Morphine...

After a discussion of how we can save the knee, which I brought up, I asked for treatment in a hyper-baric chamber to promote the healing. This is now up for consideration.

Finally got into a room (5317, play this number)at 3:00. And since EVERYTHING here takes forever to be processed, I will probably be here for a while. My new phone is 732-321-7846.


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Happy Birthday USA!

I hope youse all had a happy and safe 4th of July, surviving with all your fingers, arms, etc.

Holy Heat Wave, its hot! I am not allowed to take a shower because of the wound, but "necessity is the mother of invention." I grab a bar of soap and get uncomfortably close to another fat guy and lather up...I then spritz myself with deodorant. It takes but a few minutes and keeps me "fresh as a daisy."

Good news on the head case scene to share: My psychologist says I am making great progress on my phobias. She still has some work to do on my fear of baked chicken. I know, one day at a time.

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Correction...

In my new blog, regarding my afterthought...

In case you didn't figure it out, there should have been a period (.) after "Devils". And then a new sentence beginning with "A few years ago..." Makes more sense, no? Well, I am still healing....

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TIME OFF ?

After the hellish year I've been through, I got to thinking.

Shouldn't I be allowed to date?

It seems pretty young nurse (pyn) has an unattached pretty young sister (pys)who is a reader. What would be the harm in going on a double date with "pyn", her beloved Mr. Mopey, "pys" and ME?

Geez, I am only talking pizza and a movie, not a weekend in an Atlantic City casino...shouldn't I be allowed to share my gimpy studliness?

Oh, by the way, John McLean was just hired as coach of the Devils a few years ago. We shared a moment at adjacent urinals. I'm pretty sure he peeked too.


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Happy Fathers Day!

Any male can be a "baby daddy."

It takes a MAN to be a DAD!





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THE DAM HAS BURST

After losing a high stakes game of "Rock-Paper-Scissors", the winning nurse that beat me with a "rock" over "paper" was awarded the "opportunity" to give the fat guy an enema. This wonderful nurse was ever so grateful a few minutes later when my colon, ever aware and dreading the enema ("You are going to take what? Fill it with cold water and put it where!?") began to "move."

It seems the evacuation system kicks into overdrive at the mere mention of an enema. I produced so prodigioiusly that when the aide emptied my diaper (What?! Youse still aren't wearing diapers despite all the advantages I've described in the past!?), she said "OH, my God, that is huge!" Now, normally men are quite proud when they hear a woman say that with their undergarments off, and I was mentally strutting...


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MIDNIGHT RIDE

Thanks to everyone's good wishes or magic, most of my pain was gone on Friday evening. I had dialysis and was ready at 9 to be picked up and then I waited and waited and waited for the EMT's to bring me back to my sub-acute, Norwood Terrace.

Got back at midnight and was greeted by the nurse (the young, pretty one) who saved my life a few weeks before by insisting they take me to the hospital with my irregular heart beat. Didn't get my old room back, but it at least gives Mrs. "C" a new number to play in the lottery...231.

My gall bladder is inflammed so I can't eat what I want and I have a touch of pneumonia. Am I sounding like a hypcondriac or just and old broken down shell of a stud?

My new number is 908-222-5158. Don't be afraid, you can call me...



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Musical Rooms

The hospital is changing my room almost daily.

My pain level has decreased, so I am off the morphine. Good thing. I was hallucinating so much that in addition to the body tremors, I was teaching classes! "Hey, don't forget that hall pass and yes, you can go to your gym class now"...very scary. Mrs. "C" was the non-compliant student.

They found an infection so it is back on the antibiotics. The bandages are off and I will soon be going back to a sub-acute. Can you believe it? I STILL CANNOT GO HOME!

They tried to get me up on my "good" leg. This is the one affected by the stroke. It was just too weak. Oh, that's right, I haven't been on it for at least 6 weeks.

I am sure that I have only survived all this because of your good thoughts and prayers. Thank you for getting me through this nightmare.

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Looking for Pain Management!

They did a second surgery Friday at 2:30 pm to prepare the leg for a prosthesis. They started the flap just below the knee. When that heals (weeks or months) I will be fitted. I am figuring I will spend that time at home. WHAT?! ITS ONLY BEEN A YEAR!

I have been in pain but not as much as now. The big toe is killing me...They have been trying and alternating pain meds. Nothing seems to work for too long. Mrs. "C" spent yesterday afternoon, but I slept most of the time hence the short, weird blog.

Heart rate has been stabilized and is responding to meds.

I slept through a round of morphine, so hopefully today will be a better one!

Thanks for the good thoughts!



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Call Me "Stumpy"

Yeah, this Saturday morning they whacked my left foot off just above the ankle. I always look for the weird angle in every situation and what could be more weird than coming out of a major surgery with all the surgeons, nurses and staff singing to the radio playing "Raspberry Beret?"

For the next few weeks I will be selling my stylin' left shoes on Ebay...

The one thing I know for sure: From now on, for Halloween, I will be a peg-leg pirate! Anyone know where I can get a parrot cheap?

Thanks for the prayers and good thoughts all this time...I am truly blessed.



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Back To Dictation

Told Mrs. "C" to send this over on Wednesday (she sure took her time):

GREETINGS from JFK Hospital! A couple of days ago I was told I had a minor heart attack. So minor it took them two days to detect it. Now they are poking holes in me about 12 times a day. The say I will be here anywhere from a few days to six months...In between tests, please reach me at 732-321-7384.



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Philosophical Quote of the Day

You don't always get what you want.

You don't always get what you need.

You get what you get.

I was working out in Physical Therapy the other day and noticed I was being "checked out" by some members of the fair sex...okay, so I was pumping a tiny, pink dumb bell, the ladies were, umm, over 85 (at least they looked that old).

Dammit, I liked knowing that I was a stud to at least some random octogenarians. So, I decided to enhance my inner GQ self. Mrs. "C" brought me several Hawaiian shirts to go with my too-short shorts. That will really drive the old wimmin crazy.

(Ed.note: WOO HOO!)

Type to you soon!

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P.S. to ba_hutch, the WINNER

I either didn't get your address or I lost it...please email it to me again so I can send you the DELICIOUS NJ pork roll...

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More Fun With NAUGHTY Bits

Last week I had a skin graft on my foot. This week it was discovered that it did not take.

One option now is to take skin grown in a lab from a baby's foreskin and insert it in the wound. (I swear I am not making this up.)

It makes me wonder that if I get err...umm...amorous will my foot grow from its current size 11 to a 14 or so?

Last week, on one of the facility's computers, I did some simple math problems. Yep, I got them all wrong. I am a math tutor and surely telling the kids the answer is "7,more or less," will really make my boss happy.



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ROOM CHANGE

Crochety wants everyone to know that since he keeps getting stuck with roommates that love to stay up all night screaming he is the only patient that has been moved twice in this lovely new facility within a month.

Physical therapy has him standing and getting into his wheelchair by himself. Quite a feat, no? Now he is ready to start walking and the foot doc decided to do a skin graft from his thigh to his heel and he has to stay in bed until Monday.

Pulleeze call him so he can complain to someone other than ME...908-222-5134.

Mrs. "C"



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55 !

HEY, HEY, IT IS CROCHETY'S HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

(and he is telling everyone that will listen...stop by for a cupcake!)

Mrs. "C"




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SOME GOOD / SOME NOT SO GOOD

Good is that Crochety stood up with a little assistance! He is feeling frisky...

Not so Good is that the darn laptop is attacking, we are working on it...his new phone is 908-222-5130.





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