Thursday, June 26, 2008

Pass the Stuffing and Gravy--and Beware

Violence week continues on the blog. Tuesday had criminal fighting tips, Wednesday was reptilian monster day, and today is Close Encounters of the Avian Kind. This is part of the continuing series, Mother Nature, Murderess.

Everybody thinks of the turkey as a docile bird, and a tasty Thanksgiving Day meal. Rumor has it that turkeys are so dumb, they can drown during a rain storm.

But don’t be fooled by these diversionary tactics. Turkeys are among the craftiest, most cunning, and the most ferocious beings on the North American continent. They are the direct descendants of the T-Rex, and if I know my Godzilla movies, they were some bad dudes.


As recently as June 1st of this year, it was reported that a turkey flew into a living room in Livingston NJ, broke a window and terrorized the homeowners. The turkey fled the scene before police arrived, but had left a path of shattered dreams and glass in its wake.

A few years ago, the turkeys ran wild in Union County, NJ. The rampaging birds attacked the US Army.

OK, it wasn’t the Army, but it was a man in uniform. A letter carrier was attacked by a herd, gaggle, bunch, flock gang (I looked it up, that’s what you call them) of wild turkeys, and he was forced to kill the leader in self-defense.

Typical turkey gang activity--approach with caution

One day, while I was driving to work, traffic was delayed because a turkey stood defiantly in the middle of the road. These birds are getting more brazen. And I beseech you, do not believe the pro-turkeyists who claim the turkey is more afraid of you than you are of it.

Stalking human prey

Please be careful when approaching nature, for a turkey could be lurking right around that bend. And everyone knows the only time you are truly safe from a turkey is when the cranberry sauce is served.


Please note: Turkey jokes are not a substitution for chicken jokes. Why did the chicken cross the road jokes are still hilarious.


Unknown said...

We have had wild turkeys here in Pittsburgh fly across our Parkway into cars. One 12-year-old who practically got impaled by one who crashed through the windshield of their van indicated on the news how she was done with turkey after this-- Thanksgiving they would be having something else. She'd lost her taste for it.

I don't blame her.

Turkeys in Livingston, and not just the regular commuters... :) Good gravy.

Da Old Man said...

@ Jenn: We had one community that was so over run with them that we had a meeting at the agency (big surprise) and gave some thought to what we should instruct our workers to do to protect our clients in case of a turkey attack.

~*~Shadow.Kat~*~ said...

A friend and I, when we were kids, opened a random door in a random farm one day... and got chased all the way across the farm by a piss-load of turkeys.

MYM said...

LOL ... omg you're too funny. What do you do in Autum when all the leaves fall to the ground! Yikes! Or maybe it's just the animals of nature that bother you?

Da Old Man said...

@ Shadow--turkeys are mean. They deserve to get eaten. It's survival of the fittest.

@ Drowsey: Check in tomorrow as I blog about the Malicious Murderous Monkeys of Miami.

Shawie said...

that reminds me when I was in grade school. we just walk to school then and a house near that school had some turkeys and early in the morning, they're all outside the fence running after us kids (going to school)... yes, they're really meaannn! lols!

Anonymous said...

mmmmm, that turkey looks yummy.

shyne said...

I had a similar situation with, are they nasty!

Ed said...

Sorry Crotchety but an gang of turkeys is not correct.

The proper terminology for a group of turkeys is RAFTER.

I will admit that gang was much more humors in your story than rafter would ever have been.