Saturday, July 19, 2008

Saturday Stuff

One of my favorite writers ever was Dave Barry. He has been in semi-retirement for a few years, and one of my favorite columns he produced was Mr. Language Person. I’d like to don the role of Mr. Language Person as a tribute to Dave, at least for today.

My goal is to take over and completely dominate the internet. So, naturally, you would expect me to receive tons of swag.

Swag is a funny word. I wanted to find out exactly where “swag” came from. Naturally, I consulted my favorite online source,
The things that can be learned there. Photobucket

It turns out that just about everything has a dirty connotation to it.

Oh yeah, tossed salad and pearl necklaces, dog food, various numbers and who knows what else.

If you are easily offended, never look at that site. If you are easily amused, look up every word. And the best part of it is, unlike Funk and Wagnall’s or the American Heritage Dictionary, not only can you vote on the definitions, but you can add your own.

Oh yeah, you could insert your friend’s name and make up a definition for it.

I’ve submitted a few names and look forward to them becoming part of the world’s lexicon.

Which brings me back to swag. As one of the world’s most formidable bloggers, and a true legend in his own mind, I want everyone to know that I am open to graft, in case you didn‘t know already.
So far, only John from has come through.
Ok, it was actually a contest that I won on his blog. Let me have my moment and pretend it is because of my awesome blogging skills.
Anyway, I just wanted to do a mini shout out for his business. The soap is great.

Believe me, I can get rather, umm, “ripe” in the summer months.
Just the other day, I was watching TV and the Crotchety Old Lady walked in the house and said, “Oh my, things are not fresh in here.”

OK, actually she said, “Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!”


I knew it was time for my monthly bath. And just in time, my prize arrived, two bars of soap. I had the choice of honey milk, and oats, or melon and cucumber.

I chose the melon to cut through malodorous aroma around me. I will say, this is some good stuff. I smelled fresh as a summer’s eve. Stop snickering, it was the only analogy I could think of on short notice.

The Old Lady used the other one the next day, and her skin is now as smooth as


Lastly (anyone ever notice I like doing things in 3’s?) I keep getting emails from women who are interested in meeting me. All from the application to the dating service that I decided not to join.

Apparently, there are lots of really desperate women within 10 miles of me. Who knew?

For those who don’t remember, I wanted to see how these sites worked, so I entered that I was ugly, poor, and over 90. I wanted a beautiful 18-25 year old college graduate with low expectations, making 100K per year. Imagine how great the response would have been if I joined? All 600+ women would have contacted me.

Try to Guess Whose Names I submitted to urbandictionary


crpitt said...

I love Urban Dictionary :)

I found Richard Simmons

But I don't think that was you submitting and there is no crotchety old man.

Although there is Pole vaulting


Da Old Man said...

I saw pole vaulting. One of the few non-offensive entries.

I submitted a couple names. I'll let everyone know when they are accepted. :)

crpitt said...

I am submitting a few myself :)

Plus that soap sounds lovely.

crpitt said...

Also why were looking up pole vaulting?

Da Old Man said...

I'm not sure.

Olga, the Traveling Bra said...

Hmmm, I looked up "Claire"...but didn't see a suitable definition. All WAY too boring. ;) I might have to add a few of my own....BRA-ha-ha-hahahahaha!

Unknown said...

Try typing in the name of your city some time... I found some interesting information about mine:
"...infamous for its smell. That's right, it has a smell. The emissions from the various factories curse the air with a constant heavy odor which can be best described as the smell you would experience if you were to vomit a recently eaten rotten egg + cardboard omelet through your nose."

Unknown said...

OoOoOo... and...

The mexico city of Canada (reffering to the pollution). Located in New Brunswick, Canada. The irving family owns the city and will soon take over the whole city. Home to the seadogs and moosehead beer, and thats about it. There's nothing exciting about this city besides the few cool cruise ships that come by. It's 1 of the better cities in New Brunswick, which isn't really saying much.
"whats that smell"
"what smell?"
"oh you must be from Saint John"

Makes ya want to hop on the first cruise ship coming here, doesn't it? :-D

Chat Blanc said...

can't wait to see what you submitted! You are hip well below your years. ;)

Da Old Man said...

@ Olga: We may need to submit Claire

@ Shadow: Makes it sounds great. I always wanted to go to New Brunswick until I read that.

@ Sandy: More broken hip.

A New Yorker said...

Thanks for the information about putting whatever you wanted into urbandictionary and then adding your own definition. It's probably a dangerous fact in my hands at the moment...HAHAHA but so wonderful to have nonetheless. BTW -- just had a great massage and it helped so much!

MYM said...

Yes, Urban Dictionary helps me to keep hip with the world ;) Okay, it helps me understand what people are talking about ... you know because I mostly use regular English.

Good show on all the potential dates :) You have a good sense of humour, that's a bonus.

Da Old Man said...

@ lauren: They don't accept everything immediately, but when they do, it's hilarious.

@ Drowsey: Hmm. The possibilities of what a Drowsey Monkey could be.
Just sayin'

shyne said...

Well, who knew such a site existed! How on earth did you find it?
After reading it for awhile, I've decided I'm not "hip", never have been and, probably, never will be....sad, isn't it!
(Slowly stepping back into my cave, chuckling at some of the definitions as I go).

Unknown said...

Ah, CrotchetyOldMan- continuing to mold the minds of youth. Best of luck in getting your dictionary definitions accepted. Unless it's MY name, of course. In which case, a pox on your house.

Well, okay, not a pox... That was really harsh. Maybe just a bit of a rash.

Hey, you have soap. That'll clear it right up. :)