Friday, August 08, 2008

Miniature therapists and the magical medical wedgie

Warning: Adultish content, mild nudity, pornish thoughts

Classic posts from my diary
January 19 2007
Physical Therapy is more than facing challenges. It is learning to walk, or eat, or any of a myriad of activities of daily living all under the tutelage of a trained, highly skilled physical or occupational therapist (both interchangeably referred to as PT's hereafter.)

From my personal experience, a PT is a young woman who is, shall I say for lack of a better term, petite? How would you describe someone smaller than petite?

My current PT's are attractive Asian women, none taller than 5 foot nothing and who would, after a lumber-jacked sized meal and a soaking rain, barely tip the scales at 98 lbs.

This inherent cuteness is a great benefit to their job. Therapy hurts a lot, yet it is impossible to lash out at someone so adorable. Who could be so mean as to swat a pixie?

But PT's have learned to compensate for their tiny physique. I may tower over them, and weigh more than a squadron of them, but they use a method so insidious, so clever, that one must tip one's cap for their resourcefulness. A team of 2 or more PT's help me to get up and walk. One puts her hand on my shoulder or arm, while the other gives me a wedgie.

That time-tested favorite of grammar school bullies everywhere has now become a medical practice. I'm not exactly sure how pulling my shorts way up into my butt helps me to walk--who am I to argue with medical science--it must be admitted that it works. I put one foot in front of the other and hobble my way to recovery.

January 20, 2007

PT is full of triumphs and disappointments.
Yesterday I spent a few minutes tapping a balloon back and forth with the Occupational Therapist.

It made me wonder exactly what type of job was she preparing me to return to? Did she think I was a combination magician/animal balloon maker at Chucky Cheese?

Perhaps she thought I was a Special Olympics caliber volley ball professional or a circus clown.

Either way, I don't recall ever having a job (and I've had plenty of bad ones) where a balloon was used regularly.
Could she be subconciously suggesting to me that I seek a new career?

I put get a "how to make animal balloons" book on my list of things to do as soon as I get out of here. I should probably get a "how to juggle" book, too. I'll need something to do after I've made everyone a balloon poodle.

I mentioned disappointments, and I've had quite a few.

When my overly perky miniature PT suggested that she would get one of her cohorts and we would get in the shower, well, every post puberty fantasy raced through my head.


Of course, this mind movie was scored like a 70's porn flick.

Bwaaah, bwaah bwaaaah. Ooom pukka puuukkka.

Turns out all they wanted to do was watch me get out of my wheelchair, pivot, and then slide onto the shower bench, and then reverse the procedure.

But hope springs eternal. When she suggested that we get into bed, again, that same 70's soundtrack kicked in.

Bwaaah bwaaah bwaaaah. Ooom Pukka Puuukkkka.

We went into a seperate room with a standard issue hospital bed. She drew the curtains. I got into bed just as she asked. I rolled over when she said to.


I wondered which of my buddies I was going to call first to tell them the old man still had it!!!

Then, in a sultry voice, she huskily whispered, "OK, now give it to me hard, big guy."

Wait, that was from my mental movie. What she actually said was, "Ok, now get your big butt out of bed if it isn't too hard."



MYM said... crack me up.

"Ooom pukka puuukkka." ??? I musta never made it to that part of the music.

Chicka bow bow ... sure ... but Ooom pukka puuuuka? LOL

And I think they just do the wedgie thing for their own amusement. Otherwise it can be a long day.

Unknown said...

Now, I have to say that this is a perspective that I rarely get to see. And I have to admit that I too have used the "wedgie" technique more than once. But I vow from this day forward that I will no longer torture those of whom I'm supposed to care for, by pulling their undies up their asses any longer....

TheFLy said...

Old man, you need to hook me up with your asian physical therapists. I think I would end up giving them a wedgie in their rooms. Dont worry old man, you would be the first one I called after I got done, haha.

buzz buzz

coolingstar9 said...

I believe the good therapist is able to do the good job even the patient (or some one needed to take care of).
This therapist had already gone through some specialized training.
Wish you happy and healthy.

Anonymous said...

How come the nurses where I live never look like that?


Da Old Man said...

@ Drowsey: 70's porn had its own special beat.

@ Dani: I was starting to enjoy the wedgies after a while.

@ The Fly: No problem. But there were a bunch of them. Is 2 at a time ok?

@ Coolingstar: True. Thye were knowledgeble, just had techniques that were more suitable for different patients.

@ scam: Not all my nurses were like that. I did have my share of overly attentive male nurses. :o

Chat Blanc said...

a wedgie? niiiiiiice. well, at least you now know their real job is to torture you until you give in and make progress. thankfully you had your porn fantasies to get you through. now who can say porn is pointless?!

A New Yorker said...

Perhaps you should change your blog name to dirty old man yells at cars. LOL

Bradley said...

I've seen some porn in my day (only a little bit, of course), but I've never seen one that involved wedgies. I don't think I'd be into that, but you never know.

Da Old Man said...

@ Sandy: Exactly. Porn served its purpose.

@ lauren: When I wrote that I was in a medical rehab facility, with even more free tome than I have now. My mind tends to wander.

Da Old Man said...

@ Bradley: Wedgies and porn go together well. At least in my mind they do.

Stronys Cathalonia said...

hahahaha! funny funny! but the cute asain PT really got my attention lol.

Da Old Man said...

@ stronys: The whole post was just so I could post her picture.

Anonymous said...

Uh...could you maybe ask one of them something for me? Like, what the most minor injury one could inflict on themselves to need a PT is and how best to go about inflicting it? Then, get back to me...if it's not too much trouble.

TheFLy said...

I guess 2 at a time will have to do, haha. Just as long as I get to have an asian sandwich with me in the middle.

buzz buzz

Da Old Man said...

@ jd: I usually just have something chopped off. But not everyone is so committed. I'll check to see what the minimum standards are.

@ The Fly: I figured you'd be ok with that.

Unknown said...

Maybe to avoid the wedgie, you just need some kind of harness/grappling hook Mission Impossible sort of device to surprise her with....

So the moment she goes to tug the ol' drawers, you surprise her with advanced catburgling technology and lift yourself off the floor.

I aim to help, you know! :)

Da Old Man said...

@ Jenn: I could wear a Batman-like utility belt under my robe.