I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up

Here I sit with frozen broccoli on my knee, bloody bandages on my elbow and calf, along with a bottle of Motrin. The lights from the Rescue Squad truck are fading in the distance. Typical day at Casa Crotchety. Here's how this all came to pass:

The Crotchety Old Lady pointed out that I spend most of my time sitting on the couch like a festering mound of goo lazy guy, and it is time I start to, oh, what were her words? Oh yeah, "Do something."

So, today was the day I decided to get off the couch, and sit outside for a while.

Baby steps.

So, I went outside and sat and she came out and cut my hair with the electric hair cutter thing (no, not a Flowbee--do you think I'm made of money?) Then I got up to come back inside. I made it almost all the way back in the door, when suddenly, I tripped over the door frame. On the way down, I hit the cabinet, and knocked over the vase of flowers, smashed my elbow (which explained the blood all over the cabinet) and hurt my calf and knee (a lot)--hence the frozen broccoli.

The Rescue Squad?

Well, I couldn't get up. So, I was stuck in the entranceway. It was not "bring the jaws of life stuck," but the "bring some strong guys to lift his fat a** off the floor, stuck." That was a fun phone call to make. And you can only imagine the sheer joy when the Rescue Squad guys showed up, and they had to try to figure out how to do it.

I'll spare you the details, but it involved lots of math and science using fulcrums, leverage, and possibly an inclined plane. They were also treated to a view of my naughty bits that they may never forget, and I received a wedgie of epic proportions.

But don't worry, I have spent much of the day chastising the Crotchety Old Lady for causing all this mayhem. You do remember that she was the one who insisted I "Do something." This was all her fault. As soon as I leave the safety of my couch, bad stuff is bound to happen.


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Caption This; Dollar Bill Edition

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Do My Feet Smell Fishy?

Innovation week continues on the blog.

This story has been, er, floating around for the past year or so, as every few months another state approves the process of fish pedicures.

Jacquelyn Martin, AP

I swear I'm not making this up. Tiny carp- like fish, called "doctor fish" nibble on the dead skin and stuff on your feet and toes and deliver a pedicure.

The main reason states don't allow this procedure is a question of sanitation. It seems in order to comply with most regulations, the fish need to be boiled for 15 minutes, which while that may be the beginning of a tasty entree, it certainly does little to make the tiny pesci-tologists able to do their job.

At this time, only Virginia and Ohio have allowed this procedure, so it is thought that Virginia may become a vacation destination for the foot fanatic.

Try explaining that to the neighbors without sounding like a pervert.


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I Figured It Out

No, not the meaning of life, but what I need to do with all my free time. I'm going to become an inventor, and have Billy Mays and Anthony Sullivan promote it.

I saw Pitchmen today on Discovery and that is what they are good at doing. They pitch inventions.

So, here is where you can help out. I'm now an inventor, and my job is to make stuff to make life easier. I sit on my couch all day watching TV and finding stuff for the Crotchety Old Lady to do.

She already has a state of the art snow shovel, a new router to receive my suggestions my notes of appreciation, and a nice lawn mower, so she's pretty flush. Can't imagine anything to make her life any easier.

So, what challenges do you face? I'll invent something to make your life easy just as I did for the Crotchety Old Lady.

I promise to share royalties, or at least to send you a free Shamwow or some Oxyclean.

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Technology roars into Casa Crotchety

After a couple years of having 2 computers and only being able to use 1 at a time, the Crotchety Old Lady and I decided to buy a router so we can both be online at the same time.

You can not imagine how liberating this is. Now, not only can we delete spam together, but the best part of all is the ability to remain in touch with each other electronically, instant messaging each other all day long.

Here is a diagram of our "media center"



The couch is about 15 feet away from the PC, and the TV is maybe 10 ft away, so you see how important it is for us to communicate via instant messages.

Technology rocks!


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Happy Birthday, Shamwow Vince

A most happy birthday to everybody's favorite TV pitchman, Vince "Shamwow" Offer.

Whether he is hawking the Slap Chop, and the free Graty (just pay shipping and handling)

or even the most amazing cloth ever developed,

Vince's patter just puts us in the mood to buy.

Using time honored methods such as reminding us that we know the Germans always make good stuff, or how much we will love his nuts, Vince has become a legend in the infomercial game.
But one thing I can't figure out. If he can convince thousands of folks to buy an overpriced piece of cloth, rather than spend 20 bucks a week on paper towels (ok, who spends that much on paper towels?) and a hunk of plastic that my grandma thought was crap when it came out in the 1960's as Ronco's Veg-e-matic, how did some Florida hooker not fall under his spell? She must be Superwoman, or at least Zena the Warrior Princess.

Can't talk. Hooker's got my tongue

Oh well. Happy Birthday, anyway, Vince.



Try not to kiss any hookers.

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Caption winner and an award

Before I announce the winner, it may be necessary to read this
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25265056/

Very few captioners knew what it was, so not only do we get to have fun, but we learn all kinds of important cultural stuff.

Anyway, I had to explain it to the staff, as they were equally befuddled. But they still laughed and enjoyed all the captions.

The staff at Crotchety Old Man World Wide Headquarters and Discount House of Worship really giggled at captions from The Queen, Nonamedufus, Douglas, Joel, MooooooG, Rubba, Dani, Joel, Bryant, Dizzblnd, Dani, and LL.

But only one could caption a picture like this:

The Golden Enema Award goes to Richard Gere.
Me-Me King

Second place was Nonamedufus, and third was The Queen.

She wins the Zucchini Award, along with 500 EC credits and the adulation of the blogosphere.


Thanks to everyone who participated making this another great week.

And the blog received an award from Chuck at
Secondary Roads


The award is presented to bloggers just for "being there," so to speak.

I'd like to share this award with Grace (The Broadway Matron) and Michelle (Raw Cool) both just because I enjoy their blogs.


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Pull My Finger--The Joy of a Colonoscopy

A couple years ago I was in the hospital, and the doctors were stumped. I still had the same symptoms that I came in with, and my insurance was nearly expired. This called for drastic measures. And what could be more drastic than sticking a Kodak up my butt?

Allow me to walk you through a colonoscopy in case you have yet to experience the joys of one.

No solid food for 24 hours. Not a major deal breaker, just slightly uncomfortable, but since it is necessary to drink a gallon of this pineapple tasting glop, hunger is the least of one's problems. The real problem? The need to evacuate everything ever eaten.

Remembering that crayon I ate in second grade? That came out. Cheeseburger remains from a picnic July 4th, 1995--whoosh.

Then after spending a couple bowl filling hours, comes another thrilling part

It's enema time, Crotchety

just in case there is the tiniest bit of "stuff" still in the body.

Then comes the test itself. First, no need to study. The doctor put me to sleep. It was great, but then came my favorite part. When I woke up, I had uncontrolable gas. And the nurses encouraged me to let 'er rip.

After a lifetime of smothering "toots" in front of women, here were some women not only encouraging it, but congratulating me for it. Telling me it was ok, even a good thing.

And it doesn't get any better than that.

Good job, Crotchety

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Caption this

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Spam for colon health

No, not

but those annoying little emails. Though I am pretty sure that canned stuff will clean out my colon as well as anything.

Has everyone noticed that spammers tend to mix it up a bit from time to time? No longer do I get those lovely messages suggesting that they can embiggen my naughty bits, or offering me exclusive access to videos featuring, ermmm, a more loving relationship between man and the animal kingom. No, today, spammers are very interested in my colon.

Not only do they offer me various exotic products to make me poop like a racehorse (I've seen a racehorse poop, and it made me jealous) but the spammers remind me of my own inadequacy in this matter on a daily basis.

And that isn't bad enough. Every day, at least in a few messages, there is a notification that an ex has been seeking me.

Would she be so interested if she knew I have fecal insufficiency?

Is it to much to hope she knows how to use



I keep adding names to my blogroll. If I'm on yours, and you aren't on mine, please remind me.

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Protecting the Incredibly Stupid

Have you noticed the warnings that accompany every single medicine that is advertised on TV?

Ok, why medicines advertise on TV is another issue altogether. I'd like to think my doctor already knows about the proper medication for me and also would think that he or she already knows what meds I'm taking, so when I make my recommendations to the doctor, they are aware of deadly interactions.

The possible side effects usually sound worse than the disease they are treating as many have death as one of them. That is often much more serious than any disease, and harder to treat. Anal leakage is another biggie, and short of death, is probably the worst possible side effect.

So what new commercials have me so concerned? Two of them, actually.

Yaz and Astepro.

The newest Yaz commercial mentions that they need to clear up all the confusion from the last commercial.

The other Yaz

The newest commercial did nothing to clear up anything for me, but since it's probably got something to do with lady naughty bits, no need for further inquiry on my part.

But the other commercial is of much more concern to me. It is for Astepro, a medication for allergies. Here's the disclaimer (and I quote): "If you are allergic to Astepro, don't use it."

Let me get this straight--if one is allergic to an anti-allergy medication, don't use it. Isn't that sort of, erm, moronic? Who would use something that is making them worse?
And, how would you tell if you are allergic to allergy meds? By all the conditions of the allergy that already were present?

But my favorite of all comes right from the Astepro website: Do not drive a car, operate heavy machinery, or do dangerous activities after using Astepro.

Be safe: Take Astepro after your ride

These precautions aren't for you, they are for the dumb folks. What makes anyone think they are smart enough to heed them?

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I've solved the Entrecard Dilemma

Ok, I have studied this since all heck broke loose a few weeks ago. I finally have decided what to do.

I'm staying with EC because here is what it does for me: it makes things easy for me to visit many of my favorite blogs.

Gone are my days of dropping 300. Today I dropped a few over 100, and think that is about where I'll stay. I visited blogs I like to read. Bloggers I consider friends.

I just saw the cash out amount, and it works out that if I drop 300, and have 300 dropped on me, and get another few hundred through ads, which is what I had been getting when I was in the top few in my group, well, I should be able to make a cool 75 cents a day. That comes out to darn near 15 cents an hour.

Looking at that number makes me realize that I should find other, more productive, uses of my time. I have 4 blogs. I like to write. Writing more makes me better. Dropping, because I read each blog, just takes up so much time. If I become a master dropper, does that build my resume? And dropping without reading just seems pointless. Rather than spend 5 or so hours a day dropping, I'd rather spend an hour, and the rest of my time writing. It's not as if I'm making significant money anyway, and EC's couple dollars a month aren't going to improve my lifestyle.

I'm automatically refusing every paid ad until EC makes a dual widget. It's a question of fairness.

So, if anyone wants to drop on me without my return, thanks. It's not personal.

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How It went from a Recession to a Depression

For quite a few months, maybe even years, the economic talk has been that we (and by we I mean the world) are in the midst of a recession, while some economists have stated that it is a Depression.

I'm not sure how this is determined, and it really doesn't matter.
As of Wednesday, it officially became a Depression. The Crotchety Old Lady was laid off.

So, now I'm concerned. I need to find her a job. Quickly.

I spend my day doing important things, and she gets in the way, wanting do stuff like talk, and

Now, TV is one of my favorite things, but I watch important things like Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Step by Step, Comedy Central, Food Network, ESPN, YES (Yankee games), and Spongebob. She watches stupid stuff like soaps and movies.

My routine is pretty much set, and with Twitter, and blogging, and TV watching, there is no time for stuff like entertaining her. So, apparently, I'll have to take time out of my busy day to find employment for her.

Let's see, she is really good at shoveling snow, but that tends to be seasonal, and it will be at least 6 months or more until we get any more of that cold white here fluff here.

Pirates are in the news, so maybe she could get a job as a pirate

Rocking it as a plus size pirate

She could pull off the look, but on a ship, she insists on drinks being brought to her, and having access to a buffet every 4 hours. I don't think most pirate ships are staffed like the Pacific Princess.

Lots of older Americans are finding second careers and they work at Wal Mart

We do have one right down the street from us, so that is a possibility.

I did think about sending her to MickeyD's for a job, unfortunately, she only speaks English

Que?

Any other suggestions would be welcome. She has a lot of good qualities. She's good at shoveling snow, yard work, and cooking my dinner. I could teach her about blogging so both of us can not make money by blogging.

Forget that. I need to encourage her to get out and find a job before she drives me crazy. It's already been 2 loooooong days.

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Caption winner declared in closest contest ever

The staff really had their work cut out for them. So many great captions, but only one can win the coveted Zucchini Award.

Kirsten, Lola, Paotie, Lady Sarcasm, Nonamedufus, Jenn, Douglas Dyer, Moooooog, Paotie, Shawn, One Creative Queen, and Dizzblnd all tickled the judges. That is allowed according to International Captioning Rules.

But, sadly, we can only have one winner. Again, invoking International Captioning Society Rules.


When you can easily slide in a fork, they are done.
by Secondary Roads

He wins the Zucchini, 500 EC credits, and the acclaim of the internet.
A close second place to Kirsten, and third was Paotie.


Thank you to everyone for participating.



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Current Events Thursday

Lots of big things happening in the news. I've read a lot about Tea Parties apparently, they are subversive. Go figure.

Other Famous Subversives

Next, pirates are back. Holy crap. What's up with that? Is it 1750 again?

"It's always something"

We need a hero to step up

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

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Caption This: Bchbear's Birthday Edition

Don't forget to check out Chica's contest, too


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Catching Up Tuesday

Just some random thoughts:
Been battling technology all week at Casa Crotchety. It's hard to decide whether Twitter is the bane of my existence, or my reason for living. It seems like I'm not getting anything done because I spend the entire day refreshing the screen to see minutia.

The Crotchety Old Lady finally got the batteries for her camera. Now she just has to start taking some pictures. The first one should be the Rutherford B Hayes kidney stone.

Rather than bore everyone again with a rant about entrecard, as I'm sure anyone who has read enough blogs is more than aware that much of the community is very unhappy with it, The Queen has summed up all these feelings in one easy to understand icon.
And the old saying, "A picture is worth a thousand words" is so appropriate.


Tomorrow is my friend and staff member Bchbear's birthday, so it will be an extra special caption picture. Make sure you stop by.


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My Wife Smells Like a Goat

And, for that matter, so do I, and it's all good.

Allow me to explain. Last week, we bought some soap made with goat's milk. Not just any goat, mind you, but our favorite blogging goat Pricilla, proud mother of the new kid on the block, Kevin.

Kevin

We showered using the lemongrass massage bar key 70's porn music and it left the Crotchety Old Lady with smooth skin and a goat-like pleasant lemony fragrance.

We do enjoy supporting our fellow bloggers, and are big fans of the buy hand made movement, along with supporting independent entrepreneurs. On my blog, I have a widget for such a site, and really encourage everyone to visit places like etsydotcom for all the purchases that you can. Some individuals, like my friend Kate, sell hand made products (Kate makes and sells quilts) on their blogs.
I just got a beautiful bracelet for the Crotchety Old Lady for her birthday, which is in July. She got to the mail first, so it became an Easter gift.
Anyway, I bought it from Rose Works Jewelry and Mrs. is very pleased with it.
Please check out hand made and independent sellers first. It supports our community, and helps our country.

Besides, WalMart has enough money, and has done so much to destroy the fabric of America. And, no, the fabric of America is not what XXXL sweatsuits are made from.

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Happy Easter

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Things I don't Understand

Life is a learning experience, and it seems that every day, I learn something new.

But my biggest fear is that as I learn a new thing, I forget an old one. Something pops in, and something else pops out.

I got to wondering what are some things I've forgotten?
For example, the quadratic equation. I remember it, but have no idea what I'm supposed to do with it. I'm sure it is useful to some people, and it probably could be used for plenty of stuff like this:

which I suppose would be used when the Crotchety Old Lady goes bra shopping.

So, anyway, what have I learned that is shoving old factoids out of my brain?

Twitter.

I've been on Twitter for a day, and I'm starting to learn how to use it, though I have a long way to go.

What did I find out today? That Kevin Smith occasionally has trouble, erm, pooping. But fortunately, he was able to successfully complete this part of his day.

I am so glad he Tweeted that bit of information. It made my day a bit more complete. I'm not sure if it was worth giving up the quadratic equation for it, though.



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Caption winner announced; Entrecard Boycotted

The staff at Crotchety Old Man World Wide Headquarters and Discount House of Worship certainly had their work cut out for them as the contest again drew around 50 captions.

Points were scored by Bchbear, Lauren, Chris, Jormengrund, Mike, Moooooog, Lady Sarcasm, Janna, Quirkyloon, Bee, I Hate Commercials, and Shawn.


thought: (he wouldn't be acting so superior if he knew he had bunny crap in his tail)
Dana

gets the Zucchini and 500 EC credits.

Second place went to Janna, and third, was Lady Sarcasm.



In an unprecedented move, I am awarding Shawn some EC credits because his caption "Reservoir Bunnies" just made me

My friends at Bad Gals Radio are participating in a boycott of Entrecard. Today, Friday, is a drop-free day. If enough of the big droppers participate, perhaps EC will take notice. I have no problem with them trying to make money, as EC has long been one of my favorite ways to find new blogs and connect with bloggers, but the current plan was poorly thought out, and a total disaster.

I don't want to leave EC, but if things don't change quickly, this no drop day is only the first step.
I stuck with them when it was announced, and stayed through the first humongous batch of paid ads, but as I continue to get a boatload of new ads every day, it has become obvious that I was mistaken. EC has become a mess.

For today, I'll leave the widget up there, but won't drop. I'm not sure about tomorrow, but I'll probably just drop on my friends and the blogs I really like to read. That is what I did Thursday, and I was done in 2 hours, rather than the 4 or more I usually spend. I don't just drop on EC, I read every blog.

On Thursday, I didn't waste my time on any of the blogs that still insist on using the Digg Tool that slows down load time, nor did I visit any of the blogs that apparently have a virus that shuts off my computer. I also avoided the blogs that have so much "stuff" that it takes two minutes or more to load. Sorry to be so cranky, but I'm not going to visit blogs when the blogger doesn't care enough to try to make the blog accessible in a reasonable amount of time.

I am not going to "Digg" your post (really, how many are you getting? Enough to warrent pissing potential readers off?) I could not care less what your Alexa, PR, or any other rating is. If I want to know, I can find out in seconds without the stupid widget. I want to read your blog. I don't need bells and whistles that don't work right, anyway.

If you did any of this stupid crap, and you fixed it, I just made you a better blogger.



I also now am on Twitter, so eventually I'll figure that out and get a widget here someplace. I didn't want to do it, but if I leave EC, I'm going to need to do something to build traffic. I thought of providing better posts, but we all know that isn't going to happen.

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Did you ever meet one of your heroes?

The Crotchety Old Lady and I went into the City a couple years ago because we owned stock in a company that was being taken over. All stockholders were invited, and we thought it would be fun. We weren't major shareholders, as we had one (1) share of Marvel Entertainment valued at about 15 bucks.

It sounded fun, anyway.

The day started out pretty well as we were given a huge goody bag loaded with baseball cards and comic books. A few of the Marvel characters were present, which made it fun for Mrs.

And as we got past Wolverine (told you Mrs was happy) sitting there signing autographs was

John Starks

I'm not a basketball fan, but I got an autograph anyway, figuring I could pass it along to some kid, eventually.

Once inside, we sat through some boring meeting. Heard a lot of yelling, as some investors lost a boatload of money. Then, I grabbed the Old Lady and pointed out someone in the crowd of unhappy people. It was


Holy crap!!! She nearly dragged me over because she wanted to molest him and tear his shirt off say hello.
That was pretty cool, but then I saw him

and I turned into a babbling 7 year old again.
Yup, holy crap, just a few feet away from me was one of my heroes from childhood. The creator of Spiderman and the Hulk.
It was Stan, "The Man" Lee, in the flesh. I was shaking as I had him sign a few things for me. I returned to the Old Lady still goofy with excitement. It was all I could talk about for days.

And for a few hours, I was a kid again.

Did you ever meet one of your childhood heroes? Was he (or she) as cool as Stan Lee?

And Happy Passover to my Jewish friends


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Caption This; Easter Edition

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Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll

The title has little to do with the post, but it is a great one. The post, not so much.

I hurt my back last night, so I've been popping Vicodin like M&M's. Vicodin is awesome.

I owe youse a good post.

Stop by tomorrow for an Easter Special caption contest.



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Loaded with Porky Goodness

My blogger buddy Kathy from the Junk Drawer shares something in common with the Crotchety Old Lady. They each have an appreciation for bacon.

Ok, it may go well beyond appreciation.

Watching QVC today (don't judge, I have a lot of free time) one product offered was bacon salt, which is a vegan kosher bacon product.



Obviously, it is not made from real bacon. But according to the shills presenters, it tasted just like real bacon, and allowed everyone to "bacon up" fries, burger, sandwiches, and soups without calories or ermm, actually using bacon.

I doubt either of these ladies would be satisfied with anything less than full on bacon-ness. This product, then, may be exactly what they both need


Just squirt bacon wherever it's needed. What could be better?


Oh yeah!

I'll continue to scour the 'net for bacon news that you can use.

BTW, 2 of the products are fake.

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