Friday, February 16, 2007

Peeling Onions Part 3

I've been doing a lot of thinking and talking to friends lately about that bad summer. It all comes down to support. I know that so many of us, particularly men, have it deeply ingrained that we are independent and strong. When I was younger, I was pretty strong physically, and felt that I needed to be so mentally as well. I had never been given support as a child, and never realized it was missing. That make many others strong and independent. It made me weak and afraid of failure. I guess I do usually do the opposite of what I should. One buddy of mine tells me I should use the Costanza method. Remember George from Seinfeld? As soon as he started doing the opposite of what he thought he should do, things went his way.
Whatever I think, just do the opposite. Not such a bad idea, considering how things usually work out for me.
Back to that bad summer. I was getting ready to enter college and I was scared. I had absolutely no reason to fear the academics because I was pretty smart, if I do say so myself. But the fear was put in me by my father. I was warned that I better not fail. I would make him look bad, and that was punishable by, who knows, maybe death, dismemberment, castration? I sure as hell did not want to find out. I chose my career path based upon one high school class elective. I realized that I was going to hate that career. So, I was stuck. I had to either follow through with something that would make me miserable (and be a failure) or to drop out. I chose the path of least resistance. And from that point onward, my life continued to go out of control. I had trouble having healthy relationships with the opposite sex because I was so messed up myself. I really can't get into that aspect of my life today, because it is too overwhelming. Just one part of the onion that ain't getting peeled for a while.
Another friend (bear in mind, anyone who talks to me eventually may wind up in this blog, albeit anonymously) recently told me that she was surprised at the courage I have to put this crap out here. I don't know if it courage or not. I just figure my life is such a train wreck, it can't get any worse. And keeping it bottled up is just making me more mentally sick. So, basically, everyone reading this is providing me therapuetic counseling. I feel like I owe you all something. My thanks is all you'll get, though.
Unless you take Paypal.