Thursday, January 08, 2009

Living The Plain Life

I've been living life like I'm one of the Plain People for the last few days, and I'm considering embracing it full time.

Yeah, I was living in an Amish Paradise. No telephone, no TV, and no internet access. If I decide to do this all the time, I need to make some changes. First, of course, I'll need a new name. How about Abraham Distelfink (you may call me Abe,) for my moniker? It's bibley and Amishy. Next, I guess I will need to learn a new trade. I can always change my hobby and yell at buggies, but I will need a real job to do in between the barn raisings, avoiding the English, going to meetings and whatever else I'll have to do. What the heck do they do all day? I checked The Google, but it didn't know because The Google must be English, and the Amish people hide from them or something.

Anyway, back to looking for a job. Jenn mentioned that the Amish are getting into the heating business. With a lot of experience in that field, that is a possibility, but it seems more craftmanship than banging on pipes, so maybe that won't be my niche.

Perhaps farming? Not planting stuff, because that stinks (have you ever been in Lancaster County during planting season--oy.) I suppose some form of ranching is a possibility. While I don't do well with nature, maybe that isn't the best idea. I won't make youse dig through my archives, just take my word for it, me and nature don't mix.

When the Spawn was about 4, I took her to the Terry Lou Zoo in NJ. This was sort of a retirement home for zoo animals. The ones that couldn't cut it in the circus, or were just too old to sit in a normal zoo, wound up in Scotch Plains, NJ. I couldn't find any pictures except the house that was in the middle of the grounds. Everything else is pretty much torn down.


Anyway, while wandering around, I noticed the giraffe was not looking very well. It had blood dripping from it's nose. I got the Spawn away from the giraffe although she wanted to pet it like the other kids did. Sorry, a giraffe with a bloody nose just kind of skeeved me. And, of course, I made the right move, because all the "good" parents who let their kids pet the giraffe were treated to something extra special when the giraffe sneezed, and the kids had a combination of giraffe snot and blood on them.

So ranching is out due to fear of getting sneezed on by nature.

Fahgeddaboudit. The cable guy just showed up. I'm back!!!

I probably wouldn't have fit in anyway



Swirl Girl said...

If you have any pictures of that....I may be sensing next week's Caption This contest photo or an episode of "When Good Zoo Animals Go Bad"

Anonymous said...

Ah, getting back to basics, huh? Basic cable is pretty, err, basic, isn't it? Perhaps more "modern" Amish will allow a little basic cable. I'd check into it.

As for the name, I'd go with Hiram "Dutch" Van Zandt if I were you. That one just rolls of the tongue, and people would ask you if you were related to that guy in Lynyrd Skynyrd. Cool!

Gianetta said...

Brother Zebadiah, my fourth cousin from Amish country in southern Ohio is always looking for someone to help with the castration of the hogs every 8 weeks. Can I give him your number?

Adullamite said...

How do you live without internet connection?

Unknown said...

I feel your pain my friend. No internet! I would have been in detox. When you are Amish I think you can bowl in tournements can't you. You can bowl right?

Unknown said...

Alas, if only the lovely Ms. Crotchety would get even more Medieval on your tookis(?), and then Adullamite would learn how to appreciate a real game.

Michelle said...

Oh god no old man!! Stay put and leave the animals and land of the world alone!! Although, i can picture you in that buggy driving slowly to the store to purchase bread to make toast for old lady!!!

I'm just saying!!!

Donnie said...

I don't know about you Joe, but Joe the plumber would sure be in deep do-do!

ReformingGeek said...

Back to the days of pen and paper for your writing. If you're lucky, someone can find you an old typewriter. I remember Mom's first electric typewriter. It wrote in script. So that's where I get the geek....

A giraffe with a cold? My cat gets colds (or allergies). Poor thing. He coughs and sneezes and I think he has no clue why this is happening. He looks at me as if I caused these problems.

A New Yorker said...

Is that u in the last photo?

Anonymous said...

I heard the amish like getting high and having orgies, so you could have manufactured weed or lube.

Either way it would have been fun.

Jormengrund said...

When you were talking about the zoo for old retired zoo animals..

What's your address?

I've got a mother that needs a good home, and I really don't want to have to clean her place anymore!

Trust me, she'll only ask you to fix her pillow every other minute she's not asking for something to eat or drink..

Very low maintenance..

Da Old Man said...

@ Swirl: If only a picture was available. It would be perfect

@ The Hawg: Not a bad name. Pretty sure they can't have cable, but Dish TV would be ok

@ MA: Never been to Ohio, might be interested if bacon is involved

@ Adullamite: It was horrible

@ Etta: I'll have to learn

@ FishHawk: He's hopeless. Sadly, if he ever did apprecaite a fine game like ours, he would beome a Cowboys fan or something equally silly

@ Michelle: That would be awesome

@ Don: I seem to spend most of my time there

@ Reforming: I can't type without lots of typos

@ Lauren: No

@ Mike: That changes things

@ Jormen: I'll pass

Chat Blanc said...

oh thank goodness for the cable man!! i was afraid we lost you to the dark side. those amish are scary. ;)

Unknown said...

Well, nice to have you back in the land of the cable and White Castle hamburgers.

A bloody nosed giraffe... Great googly moogly, no thank you.

Chelle Blögger said...

Dangit, had I known you didn't fully convert to Amishism, I wouldn't have written my scathing review of your discriminatory award giving habits on my blog today - or called you horrible names and encouraged my readers to run your buggy down with their monster trucks. :)

Now that you are back in the land of the English, I guess I owe you an apology.


Da Old Man said...

@ Chat: It was a close call.

@ Jenn: I don't know if I could live without White Castle

@ Offended: That was your doings with the monster trucks? I should have guessed.

Anonymous said...

I suggest moving rapidly to the 22nd century. You get your own personal satellite, a micro-fusion reactor, and several robots and androids. Why even think about going back to the 20th century when such wonders loom?

Kirsten said...

Abe yelling at buggies. That made me LOL!

2 Brits, 2 Yanks, 2 Dogs said...

Giraffe boogers eeeewww! Especially as they were bloody ones! We must have been on the same wavelength today as I did a post on how to steal a penguin from the zoo.

The Self-Deprechaun said...

Ah yes, living the amish life. you can make candles and churn butter. I can be your rickshaw runner!

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

I am so glad you came to your senses. There is no way I could handle reading your blog carved into some tree in PA. I love you, but not that much...

Nicole said...

I just wanted to thank you for saving me from the sneezing, bloody nosed giraffes-who knows where I would be right now!!

Da Old Man said...

@ Aoi: I'm busy trying to figure out the 21st. Can't skip one

@ Kirsten: Thanks

@ Heather: I read your penguin story, and it was great

@ Self: Do Amish use rickshaws?

@ Petra: You're welcome

@ Nicole: You're welcome. I am such a good dad