Caption this; win zucchini

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Happy St. Patrick's Day

Ok, I'm confused by the whole St Patrick's Day legends and rituals.

First, St Patrick was born to Roman parents, so, that would make him Italian. Second, he was born in Scotland or Wales, so he could be Welsh or Scottish. So, what the hell is up with all the Irish stuff?

And worse, what the hell is up with that dinner?

I go to my local Jewish Deli and get boiled spuds and boiled cabbage, along with some greasy beef. What kind of meal is that?


Now get serious here, wouldn't lasagna make for a better dinner? Add a loaf of garlic bread, maybe a little vino, and that beats the crap out of green beer and my Jewish Deli special dinner.

Now, I just have to convince the Crotchety Old Lady.

Looks like I'll be eating boiled potato and cabbage tonight.

But, at least the Jewish rye bread is really good.

Just for fun, here are some pictures and reviews of my local Jewish Deli (it's about 5 minutes from my house):

http://www.roadfood.com/Reviews/Overview.aspx?RefID=1344
http://www.supersizedmeals.com/food/article.php/20060425020924154

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Those Wacky British Scientists

We have reported in the past about British scientists and the peculiar methodolgy used in solving the problems facing us in the 21st Century, such as ear wax.

So, what are they busy researching now?



That's right, tentacle dominance among the octupus.

Using Legos, and Rubik's Cubes, our intrepid British scientists, let's call then Nigel and Graham, have managed to get a grant to study this all important topic.

According to the Daily Mail Online, various toys are dropped into the water, and the octopuses (octopi?) are monitored to see which tentacle they use first to grab the toy to see if there is a dominant or favourite one.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-1032700/Octopuses-given-Rubiks-Cubes-favourite-tentacle.html

This can only make one wonder exactly what is the long term plan?

Are we looking to create a new breed of super intelligent calamari?

Really smart sushi?

Or a baby sitter for Octomom?

I'm not sure about you, but I'd be pretty angry if my dinner could solve Rubik's Cube before I do.


http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Somebody has a birthday coming up soon

I don't currently have one of these, and you still have 16 more shopping days.


Just sayin'



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Have you ever been so close...

...to fulfilling your life's mission, and just came up a little short?

I was watching TV last night when suddenly--BAM--there it was. My search for purpose in life finally revealed itself.

And, are you ready for this, it will cost me 20 bucks to reach fulfillment. Talk about a deal and a half.

Here is the commercial that has changed my life:

https://www.buyesppower.com/flare/next

I have psychotic tendencies psychic abilities and may possess the awesome mental power to find suitcases filled with cash or to predict surprise parties. Though surely with the training from this course, I'll make a fortune from the lottery alone. Do you know how happy I'd be to miss by only one number? But don't worry, I'll only use the power of my mind for good, or to bend spoons like Uri Geller.

Bend it like Beckham, erm, Geller

You'd think he would make more money straightening spoons, but I'm still new to the whole "mind power" game.

So, how about fronting me the life changing 20 bucks? I'll pay you back the very first suitcase full of money I find.

No?

I knew you were going to say that.

Spooky, huh?

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Caption winner announced

The staff at Crotchety Old Man World Wide Headquarters and Discount House of Worship had no trouble this week picking a winner.

While plenty of captions received votes, one stood out and got all but one judge's first place vote, and we'll get to that in a minute.

Points were scored by Marvel Goose, Humorsmith, Dutch Boy, Orion, Chica, Jormen, MME King, Moooooog, Matt, and the Fitness Diva.

And the Zucchini Award along with 500 EC credits are awarded to:




Augustus Gloop was disappointed to find that not everything in the Wonka factory tasted like chocolate.

Jenn Thorsen

The only other first place vote went to Reforming Geek, who placed second overall. Third went to Marvel Goose.

There were nearly 60 captions, so it was, once again, a great contest.

Thanks to everyone for participating. See you next Wednesday for another contest.

The blog was reviewed by the Rebellious Arab Girl. You can see the review right here:

http://www.rebelliousarabgirl.net/2009/03/12/yelling-at-cars-relieves-stress/

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

It's number 501

I wanted to take the time to thank my readers and commentors. I admit that I write for me, but without you, I wouldn't find it nearly as much fun. I wanted to list every regular, but, we get a couple hundred comments a week, and won't want to leave anyone out intentionally, so if you aren't mentioned, please understand it was an oversight, and I owe you one. Most bloggers write several blogs, so I picked the most well known, or at least the one I visit.

I wanted to do one of those nice little stories using blogs titles like Ettarose http://sanityonedge.blogspot.com/ does, but I'm not that talented.

So, instead I'm doing a shout out and quick mini blog review to anyone who posted on my "favorites" thread Monday, and as many of my regulars as I can remember. I highly recommend everyone read my regulars because obviously, they are able to recognize quality. To my readers and friends

Jen from http://redheadranting.com/ A humor writer relating her battles with cold winters, and balky appliances, and the occasional rant about exes and kids.

Lin from http://duckandwheelwithstring.blogspot.com/ Slice of life family humor blogger.


Kirsten from http://momjeansblogger.blogspot.com/ The uber soccer Mom/pimp.

Chica from http://lady-sarcasm.blogspot.com/ Talented photoshopper, with sarcasm to spare.

The Hawg from http://naturalhawg.blogspot.com/ Mixed bag, ranging from politics to music to humor, and everything in between.

Don from http://beyondleftfield.blogspot.com/ Humor with a sharp edge.

Marie from http://nourishourselves.blogspot.com/ Upbeat blog, and excels at, I swear, finding the funny side of MS.

http://commercialhate.blogspot.com/ We all hate commercials, finally, someone points out how stupid commercials can be.

Jenn from http://cabbages-n-kings.blogspot.com/ Don't tell the others, but this is my favorite. It's well written, and funny. And, my "go to" blog for zombie news.

Petra from http://thewiseyoungmommy.blogspot.com/ A Mommy blog that is funny and entertaining. Warning: Occasionally she posts some, erm, devices for wimmin, and she warns me in advance so I can read the post with my eyes closed.

The Reforming Geek from http://boomergeekgirl.blogspot.com/ Humor blog with slice of life viewpoints.

Andy from http://makeapound.blogspot.com/ Interesting look at ways to make blogs better from a technical standpoint, without a lot of the jargon.

Shinade from http://shinade.blogspot.com/ Her blog, the Painted Veil, is a place for relaxing and musing.

Moooooog from http://midgetmanofsteel.blogspot.com/ Humor blog. More adult in content.

Sandee from http://comedyplus.blogspot.com/ Features a quick joke or picture to start your day with a laugh.

Shadow Crystal from http://internettreasuretrove.blogspot.com/ Always interesting, usually humorous, look at life.

The Self Deprechaun from http://selfdeprechaun.blogspot.com/ Asian humor blogger living large in NYC. Always makes me feel better about myself.

Chat from http://www.witsbitch.com/ Remember the TV show That Girl, or Mary Tyler Moore? Then imagine if either one wrote a blog, and was actually funny. That would come close. Add in wimmin devices and stilettos, and it's pretty close.

Jormengrund from http://jormengrund-yetanotherdayinparadise.blogspot.com/ A daddy blogger, using family situations and good humor.

MA Fat Woman from http://reflectionsonamiddle-agedfatwoman.blogspot.com/ Another humorblogger, with lots of yard sales.

Lipstick from http://www.lipstickatthemailbox.com/ A Mommy blogger, and more.

Dani from http://www.momscrazylife.com/ A humor blog. Dani is a Mom of 6, but that ain't no effin Mom blog. (Hey, that's her tagline. I'm not being rude)

Dizzblnd from http://soggy-doggy-bloggy.blogspot.com/ Humorblog, with an awesome Madlibs game every Sunday.

Kelly from http://www.humorsmith.com/ Humorblogger often finding the funny in current events.

Chelle from http://www.offendedblogger.com/ Blogging the offended and the offensive because they are out there. Her tag line says it all.

Sherry from http://www.blondesherry.blogspot.com/ has a mixed bag. She writes a few blogs, including one that is more current events/political.

Paul from http://www.paulshealthblog.com/ which is a blog with health tips

Laura from http://www.junkfoodaholic.com/ A junk foodaholics journey to health.

FishHawk from http://asthecrackerheadcrumbles.blogspot.com/ one religious man's view of life

Lauren from http://canubapartofmylife.blogspot.com/ Her blog is dedicated to her dating life, and politics. And her cats. I'm sure there is a joke in that combination somewhere.

Claire from http://crpitt.blogspot.com/ One of the most talented doodlers I've ever seen. She also chronicles her quest for a degree, along with helping her Mum through some health challenges. And she does it with a sense of humor.

Janna from http://jannaverse.blogspot.com/ Extremely funny blog. Creative, and not to be missed. Creator of the Jannapedia. This is the blog I steal more ideas from than any other.

Kate from http://onlifeasiknowit.blogspot.com/ A blog with attitude. Celebrities can be hilarious when they aren't trying to be.

Michelle from http://rawcool46.blogspot.com/ A blog with raw food tips, running stories, and all around life lessons.

Jamie, the Hussy Housewife from http://jamieandtnt.blogspot.com/ writes a humor blog and makes some awesome videos.

Kathy from http://www.junkdrawerblog.com/ writes a personal humor blog, and provides a chance to giggle at the silly little things we all see, and forget to laugh at.

William from http://deadrooster.com/ Another well written humor blog, and Bill often is the victim of his wit. His bed head post is classic.

Swirl Girl from http://swirlgirlspearls.blogspot.com/ A Mom Blog, with some style.

Hindleyite from http://retroyakking.today.com/ A humor blogger from England. Uses local, yet universal humor.

And last, but certainly not least, Charmaine from http://charmaine-greymatters.blogspot.com/
A blog dedicated to middle aged dating. Charmaine is very funny and honest.

I wanted to thank everyone for visiting and for writing great blogs. Thanks for the inspiration, the assistance, and the friendship.

Let's get together and do this again at post 1001.

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Caption This

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I'm Being Cyber Stalked...

...but it would be more a victim precipitated stalking.

It is all my fault. When I get bored, which happens pretty frequently, I start poking around the internet and partially sign up for crap.

A few months ago, I looked into a program for the Biggest Loser put together by Jillian, the rather cranky trainer on the show. I decided to decline for several reasons, the largest of which meant I'd have to actually get off my butt and do something, which seriously would cut into my precious little available goofing off time.

This handy diagram shows just how little time I would have to, you know, exercise and do healthy stuff



Blue: Sleep
Other Blue: Nap
Orange: Watch TV
Green: All Things Blogging
Red: Google Search for Weird Pictures


It is clear that no free time is available. *sigh*

So, I stopped the whole thing, and Jillian has been sending me notes ever since. And I can assure you they are mean. I'm even a bit afraid of her. It's bad enough when I get yelled at by the Crotchety Old Lady, but getting cyber yelled at by Jillian makes me afraid to open my emails.

Besides, I'm in shape. Round is a shape, right?

And now, I'm getting stalked by Netflix. I broke up with Netflix 2 months or so ago. I gave them the "It's not you, it's me, speech," and I really thought they had moved on. But no, every couple weeks, they send me a little note telling me how much they miss me and want me back.

Lastly, I continue to get notes from various internet dating sites letting me know that Monica, or Debbie, or some other old classmate is searching for me. I'm sure most men would be quite excited by such news, but regular readers know that I attended St Rocko's High School (School Motto: We have our own cemetery) which was a high school for males only.

Do I want to open those emails?

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The Countdown Begins

This is part of the countdown to the 500th post.

I've picked my favorite posts, which is tough because they are all like my children, and I love each post equally. But, some are more equal than others.

If you have time, check out these posts, and pick your favorite. I'll do something for my wonderful commentors on my 500th post.

Actually, it will be post 501, because 500 falls on a Wednesday, and that is already a special day, so post 501 on Thursday will be specialer.

1. http://crotchety-old-man-yells-at-cars.blogspot.com/2008/12/saturday-morning-weirdness-post.html

2. http://crotchety-old-man-yells-at-cars.blogspot.com/2008/08/growing-up-dorky.html

3. http://crotchety-old-man-yells-at-cars.blogspot.com/2008/07/great-naughty-bits-debacle.html

4. http://crotchety-old-man-yells-at-cars.blogspot.com/2008/06/business-meetings-101_20.html

5. http://crotchety-old-man-yells-at-cars.blogspot.com/2008/06/cocktails-for-two.html



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My new house

I'm trying to talk the Crotchety Old Lady into buying a second home. She complains about shoveling the walk, so what could be better than a house without one?



I'm just messing with you. I'm actually trying to talk her into buying this one



Nice little mountain bunker in Pennsylvania, in the Poconos.

Get some wind turbines, and get it off the grid totally. I'll be moving toward adopting an Amish lifestyle.
Just have to figure out how to keep my internet connection.


And find a reputable mongoose supplier, as snakes scare the poop out of me.

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Humor Bloggers Are Artists

The Humorbloggers are doing a Carnival, Humorbloggers are Artists. Ok, usually, my art is in making you laugh. At least smile. Would you believe a slight chuckle?
Anyway, I like creating art, and usually it is really bad. But today, I made a little piece, which I've titled "Untitled." It is said good art should move you, bad art looks like your movement.

My painting made me happy. And then I went to look at some paintings by other famous artists. Either I am one unbelievably talented artist, or they suck as badly as I do. Can you identify the other artists?











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Caption Winner Announced

The staff at Crotchety Old Man World Wide Headquarters and Discount House of Worship got together and reached a decision for the caption this week that was, well, let's just say if I actually paid them, I'd dock their pay this week. You'll see why in a few minutes.

Anyway, we received over 60 captions, so the job was a difficult one.

Some first place votes were scored by Swirl Girl, MA Fat Woman, and Rubbish. Others impressing the judges and scoring poiunts were Etta, VE, Shadow, Joel, Moooog, Paotie, Drty Grty, Dan, Nancy, Bonnie Story, and Petra.


Mrs Crotchety Old Man, "and when you finish those dishes come rub my feet!"
Sheila Sultani

Wins


Let me know which blog you would like featured.

Second place went to Mooog, and third went to Swirl Girl.

Thanks again to everyone for making this another successful week.


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Important Recycling Tip

It has come to our attention that certain citizens have not been following proper recycling procedures. A recent UPI story relates of a 76 year old NJ woman who was found in a recycling bin.

http://tinyurl.com/b8kj9v



Oh sure, "they" claim it was an "accident," but we don't buy it.

Now, we are all in favor of recycling and responsible usage of our planet's resources, but when we start throwing away perfectly good old ladies, then it is time to take a stand, and I, for one, am doing so.

This must stop immediately.

Thank you for your cooperation. The Grandma you save may be your own.


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Caption this: win Zucchini

Entrecard credits and Zucchini for the winner. Good luck!




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Whatsis revealed

Lots of good guesses, and some came pretty close. But no one knew that these



are erm, reusable toilet paper/wipes.

http://living.wallypop.net/wipes.html



Stop that.

You're the one who was all into "going green."

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Good Monday Morning

No one guessed the Whatsis from Sunday, so I'll leave it up as a mystery a bit longer.

But I will give a couple hints.

1. They are about the size of a pot holder.
2. Unless you are really new to the blog, do you really think I'd post a picture of a baby's bib?

Next, our beloved mascot and spiritual advisor was kidnapped from Humobloggersdotcom. If you'd like to help find him, click below the Wanted Poster or come to our site and look for clues. Everyone is welcome to help find Chester the Jester.



Want to help save Chester?

http://www.humorbloggers.com/blog.html


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Sunday morning whatsis

Can you guess what these are?





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Tales from the Road

Many years ago, I drove a truck for a living. I often worked on Saturdays with my friend, who also worked there, too.

One such Saturday, we had to wash the trucks behind the building. Afterwards, the trucks had to be moved around front, where they were parked until Monday.

I washed the big one, which had air brakes. Without getting too much into details, it takes a while after washing and doing some minor stuff to the air brakes, for the truck to be safe to drive. The air pressure has to build back up, essentially.

So, I started the truck, and hung out and waited. My friend was in a hurry, so he wanted me to move the truck.

Nope, the warning buzzer is still, erm, warning.

He assured me that a real truck driver can handle a situation like that, and he jumped up into the truck. I headed into the office.

The next thing I heard sounded a lot like a large truck crushing a Buick, because, well, a large truck with no brakes couldn't stop, and crushed a Buick.

I was out of the shop and on the scene in a few seconds. My buddy was still sitting in the seat, and was kind of stunned. I got up in the other side of the truck and set the emergency brake. I told my friend, no matter what, tell everyone that he set the brake. He repeated the story so many times (to the police, to the insurance company, to the boss, to the Buick owner) that to this day, he believes that he did.

I always felt badly for the guy who owned the Buick. But thinking about it, I probably shouldn't have. He walked in to a clothing store to buy a suit, and wound up with a new car.

This also worked out ok for me. I sent the story in to a magazine a few years ago, and won a prize.

And my friend? He got a newer, better truck to drive.

It was win, win, win.


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Caption winner announced

The staff at Crotchety Old Man World Wide Headquarters and Discount House of Worship was a little shorthanded this week as a few staff members were out of town. So, some temps were hired to help judge the contest. One caption did come out head and shoulders (*snicker*) above the others.

Thinkingfyou and Renal Failure did get some first place recognition, and Kirsten, Lauren, Typical, Sadie, Douglas, Dani, Marie, I Hate Commercials, Joanie, Stephanie, Nooter, Grace, and Jenn all scored points.

But the undisputed winner



Pork...the wife's secret other other white meat...
By VE





He gets the Zucchini.
Second place went to Thinkingfyou, and Renal Failure was third.

Thank you to everyone for making it another great contest with over 40 entries.

In unrelated news, Quizno's sub for dinner tonight. It was free, and wonderful. I'm still keeping my eye on them, though.


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MMMM, Chocolate Covered Boobs

A few months ago, Cabal leader Chelle, and some other members of Humorbloggersdotcom suggested that I install Google Analytics. A lot of reasons, such as I would be able to learn, I don't know, stuff. Plus it would be interesting to find out how some of my readers discover my blog. Since my goal in life, well at least since I decided to make it os for the last few weeks, has been to become the world's greatest living blogger.

So now, I have a new way to waste time become more useful to my fellow blogger. I spent some time today looking at the search terms used to find my blog, so maybe I can write material more appropriate to my readership base.

Ok, the first term I uncovered was chocolate covered boobs. While that sounds like it would be one of my interests, I don't remember ever blogging about it, erm, them.

Another search term was Oprah's vajayjay. Ok, I understand that as this blog is the "go to" source for up to the minute news about Oprah's vajayjay. And I do promise to continue to provide this service.

"Oldman swinging" I have no idea what they expected to find, but I may have just thrown up in my mouth a little.

"Making of fluffer"

Really now, when did I become the meeting place for Perverts Anonymous?

There is more, but do we really want to know why "High Hefner" or "Hot buttered Sex" brought them here?


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Caption this; Win Zucchini

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Quizno's Capitulates

The Crotchety Family's boycott of Quizno's has brought the sandwich seller to its collective corporate knees.
You could look it up, but a month or so ago, we decided to boycott Quizno's because I got a crappy sandwich, and the complaint phone number on the receipt went to a pay number to get the real number. When I finally found the place to complain online, I did, and Quizno's

I had no choice but to issue a nationwide boycott of Quizno's. A food fatwa, if you will.

Starting yesterday, they have decided to issue an apology to me by giving free subs. Just sign up, and get one. http://www.millionsubs.com/?NRC=GG_QMIL&NRX=QCON1254

They are giving away a sub to the first million who sign up, and as of late Tuesday night, they were at 175,000. Obviously, there is still some time left, so go and register for your free sub coupon.

While they didn't mention me at all in this giveaway, I'm positive they are doing this just for you, my loyal reader. I did demand ask that they make it up to me by giving free subs. This obviously is their little way of apologizing, and Quizno's, all is forgiven.

And you, my loyal reader, are very welcome.


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Montel Williams Sucks

I was going to do a long post on why Montel Williams sucks. Then I realized, no one cares. Everybody already knows it.



Yeah, he'll work for any scamming company endorse any product.

Just check the Google, and you'll find his latest grift, selling Obama coins that are little more than stickers on regular coins.

http://www.katu.com/home/video/39598022.html?video=pop&t=a

Couple that with his last major endorsement, for a company that charges to help poor people get prescription drugs that they could get for free by contacting the drug companies directly, and you have a shill who makes Shamwow Vince seem like Mother Teresa.


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Some Randomness on a Sunday Morning

We at Crotchety Old Man World Wide Headquarters and Discount House of Worship have considered going to a magazine blog format. Easing into it with a newspaper one first, what do you think? I like the "Sunday morning with the paper" feeling it gives, but it may be too restricting.



If we go to the magazine format, the Crotchety Old Lady will probably have a section giving snow shoveling pointers, and maybe (for the ladies) a spot here or there giving tips on how to land a smoldering chunk of man meat like me.

And, as usual, we will remain your "go to" source for Oprah's Vajayjay news, and the occasional Richard Simmons updates. Richard has been conspiculously absent from the blog lately. For my new readers, Richard Simmons is the most famous person to ever sweat on me.

Check in tomorrow, for why Montel Williams is a scummy low life.

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Another Exciting Night at Casa Crotchety

Friday night. Maybe we should go out dancing. See what movies are playing. Perhaps a little *wink wink nudge nudge*

Or, we could babysit.




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Biggest caption contest ever results in

What a week. The staff at Crotchety Old Man World Wide Headquarters and Discount House of Worship was hung over from the Valentines Day Chocolates and Cognac Party at HQ, so a few were still missing by voting day. Fortunately, I contacted the local temp agency, and had a couple judges sent over. And this was the biggest contest ever with 70 entries.

The contest was very close as each judge picked a different top caption.
Ettarose, Stanley, Memphisdonna, Dana, Jenn, Lauren, and Marie all got first place votes.

Other captions scoring points were Dizzblnd, IB, MA, Lauren, Staci, the Hawg, Broadway Matron, VE and Paul. Whew!
Oh, and a special shout out to Kirsten, who should have been automatically disqualified for making fun of me.

LOL.

Who gets the coveted Zucchini?





Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing in response to your ad for a Health Inspector...

Marie

Second place went to Jenn, and third was Stanley.

Thank you to everyone for making this the best caption contest yet.



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Signs of the Apocalypse

Did you ever have one of THOSE days? The type when all you want to do is hide under the covers, only to come out to poop and get more Cheese Doodles?

Today was one of those for me. I then finally crawled out, washed that orange crap off my fingers (seriously, what is that stuff? It is both greasy and sticky) and proceeded to spend the rest of the day reading blogs. By the way, according to my calculations 57% of all blog posts are based upon LOLcats.

Please note the handy pie chart that show my findings



Blue: LOLcats blogs
Pink: Crazy political view blogs
Green: Celebrity blogs
Red: Blogs that are well written and intelligent like yours




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Caption This

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Two for Tuesday, International Edition

It's been a few weeks since we had a two fer, which means either we are overdue, or I have nothing better to blog about. Let's go with the overdue theory.

While most blogs I read are in standard English, today's recommendations are written in Canadian and British.

The first is by Joel from Stuff and Nonsense. http://joelklebanoff.com/joelsblog2/ This is the blog of a slightly (ok, possibly more than slightly) neurotic Canadian blogger. His unusual take on economics is rivaled only by that of his hockey observations.

The second is by Dan, from Retro Yakking http://retroyakking.today.com/ Dan writes parody, and likes to complain, as he says, even when there is nothing to complain about. And he does it well.

Both of these blogs show the universality of humour. While each shows some hometown flair, the funny crosses the ocean. Or, erm, slides down from the frozen northern part of the Americas.

Both are funny, obviously, and very well writen, and on my list of daily reads.

Enjoy them, and tell them Crotchety sent you for a better seat.


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Crotchety Has Issues

There is a commercial on TV now that makes me so angry, I just yell and curse at the TV.

Seriously.

I'm usually a relatively laid back guy.....Stop, I'm being serious here.

Ok, maybe I do have real anger issues. But nothing brings them out like the Joe Kennedy oil commercial. I don't know if you have seen it, but it is on TV every 12 minutes or so. In it, Joe Kennedy tells us how wonderful he is to help out old people who can't afford to buy oil to heat their homes. And, then, he is shown pulling a heavy hose to make the delivery.

Joe Kennedy is a 55 year old candy ass former rich kid/politician, who couldn't do that job on a bet. Sure, he can pose for a photo op, but I can guarantee he would collapse if he had to do it for a whole day. I used to do that job when I was a young guy, and it is exhausting. I'm just sick of politicians and other schmucks who act as if they are just "regular folks." You've seen them, as they pose with firemen holding an ax, sit in cop cars like they are on patrol, and just generally act like putzes.

It's not funny, it's not realistic, and it sure doesn't make me respect them. Does anyone really believe a friggin Kennedy is out all day doing honest hard work? That would be a first.

Finally, a note to Entrecard droppers: I return every drop, but sometiomes I use my other EC accounts, like my Yankee one, or my Toast one.

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Crotchety's Bucket List

Everyone knows what a "bucket list" is, and if you don't, it's a list of all one hopes to accomplish before kicking the bucket.

It's funny that the list changes as one ages.

At 18, mine was pretty much full of great things, with a tremendous upside: it included such things as dating super models (I loved Cheryl Tiegs,) backpacking over Europe, writing the great American novel, inventing something to change the world, and becoming filthy rich with my fleet of Ferraris.

I didn't do any of that stuff, though I did date a girl named Cheryl, went to Pennsylvania for a week, read some comic books, acquired a couple Indian head pennies, and currently own two Toyotas.

I'd say I came up kind of short.

It's time to revisit, and revise my list. I need to make it more realistic, and to have more defined goals. Maybe I screwed up and didn't accomplish anything of note because my list was too generalized.

After much thought, here it is, the 2009 version of my bucket list:

1. Go to Pittsburgh, and have a sandwich at Primanti's. How many times can I watch Food Network go there and do a show about one of the greatest sandwiches ever?

Now, this ties in with one of my other items

2. Attend a game at every MLB park. I need to attend a Pirates game, so, I can time it to do both, see a game, and have a sandwich.

3. Buy a classic car, and attend car shows. I've always wanted a '57 Chevy or a '50 Mercury street rod. I'd like to drive it to a show, and just hang with other motorheads.


It's a pretty short list. Suggestions are welcomed to add to it.

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Crotchety's Tips for Valentine's Day on a Budget

The economy is in the toilet. Money is tight, and we are looking at hard times. But that doesn't mean we can't surprise our special someone with a really nice Valentine's Day chock full of gifts and tokens of love.

I'll share with you what I've done for the Crotchety Old Lady, and you are welcome to use my ideas for your true love.

First, remember, it's not the gift, it's the thought that counts. Anyone could just whip out the charge card, book a flight to Paris or Rome, and have romance ensue. But that has been done to death, at least according to those American Express commercials. And unless you have recently been given a billion dollar bailout, you are like me, and can't afford such extravagance.

We need to go the more traditional route. We need to be more practical. The Mrs. is getting a nice gift, you can be sure of that. Quite a few, in fact.

Before anyone suggests a new snow shovel, I did just get her one last month, and Christmas she got a new blender.
Perhaps a vacuum? Nah, that is more an anniversary gift.

For Valentine's Day, something more frivolous, like flowers. Yeah, I know, you're thinking that they are expensive, but I know where to get them cheap.


And you only need to take rose petals.

And this is key, don't just place entire roses willy nilly about the bed.

Mind those thorns

But the best gift of all is one that is homemade. It comes from the heart, it has meaning.
That's right, you can make your own Valentine's Day card like me.

Do you think Hallmark has ever made anything like this?



It evokes memories of the path that we have gone down. Life with the Crotchety Old Lady is like a sunny day. Every day is like Christmas. With cows.

I'm going to need a moment.............





Thanks.

Have a Happy Valentine's Day everyone.

Check out the entire Valentine's Day carnival at
http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Valentine's Day Caption winner announced

In what was one of the more disturbing caption pictures yet, the staff at Crotchety Old Man World Wide Headquarters and Discount House of Worship was both nauseated, yet strangely excited to read all the captions.

It was a very close contest, and some new entrants fared very well. First place votes were tallied by Nonamedufus, Humorsmith, Chica, Kevin John, MA Fat Woman, and Lola.

Meanwhile, points were also scored by Swirl Girl, I Hate Commercials, Free the Unicorns, Jormen, Broadway Matron, Dizzblnd, Offended Blogger, and Petra.


New hairstyle with extensions: $135

New digital camera: $55

Passing out after a drunken fight with the wife: priceless
Humorsmith
Second place was Nonamedufus, and third was Lola

Humor gets the Zucchini along with 500 EC credits.



Thank you to everyone for participating.

Coming tomorrow, last minute tips for a memorable Valentine's Day, including Crotchety's extra special secrets to keep that special person in your life happy.

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Go to Newark, and Make a Left

A few years ago, I worked in a gas station on Rt 1 northbound in New Jersey. In addition to the sheer joy of pumping gas, checking oil, and washing windshields for customers who were usually angry with me because it was so expensive, (like my name was Joe Exxon) I spent considerable time giving directions to perhaps the dumbest individuals ever to operate a motor vehicle.
I don't mean the person who got lost while looking for Costco, I mean the dumb bastages who couldn't get to Rt 1 Southbound.

Here's a picture, taken from Rt 1 S, and you can see Rt 1 North, right next to it.

About a mile up the road from my gas station job

And, all day long, cars would stop in and ask how to get to Rt 1 South.

Pretty confusing, because in NJ we have these wacky signs indicating where all turns can be made.

Wonder what this sign means?

The drivers must have assumed that the little wall goes all the way from Maine to Florida, I guess.

But, I really enjoyed that we were near a turn off for another busy road. Constantly, dumbasses distracted drivers missed the turn. Often, they would pull in and ask me how to get back to the road they missed. It was pretty simple, just go up a few hundred feet and take the next turn, but the really friggin stupid adventurous ones backed down the road, against oncoming and heavy 55 MPH traffic. The occasional accidents made my day.

Usually, my fellow pump jockeys and I gave accurate directions, even when the drivers asking were jerks. But, one day, I was just pushed over the edge. Yeah, it's usually not that far, but anyway...

It was pouring rain. Windy and nasty. A horrible day to work outside. We were sitting in the office (the station was an older one, and didn't have the little shack most of them have today) and a woman pulled up about 100 feet away, and started flashing her lights and a blowing her horn. I went out because, it could have been a regular customer, and maybe she was having a problem.

In case my mood wasn't foul enough already, she just wanted directions. She didn't get the standard "jerk directions" to go to Newark, and make a left. Hers were much more customized and rather "colorful."

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Caption This; Valentine's Day Edition

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Time to Man Up

Not only am I one of the manliest men in the blogosphere, I also am recognized as one of the most knowledgeable about wimmin and their behavior. It is a combination of a natural gift, coupled with years of study.

Can you imagine how upsetting it is when I wanted to fill in on another blog, one where it is a weekly feature to give the viewpoint in a "he said, she said" format and I was asked to submit a writing sample?


Yeah, I know. I was shocked, too.

*sigh*

But I did, and today, in a fight to the death, I will compete to win this plum non paying non job. Youse are welcome, no, more like encouraged, to stop by sometime today, and explain to Petra that I am wicked awesome, and should be the manly man chosen.
http://www.thewiseyoungmommy.blogspot.com/

And, in other news, my post dedicated to my friend, Soccer Mom, was chosen as the best Soccer Mom's Birthday thread the other day. While I like winning stuff, I really only wrote it because Kirsten is a terrific lady.

If I came in second, I would have been fine.



http://www.humorbloggers.com/

A Very Quirky Interview

Last night, through a strange bit of circumstances, and incredible luck, I found myself alone in a chatroom with a really great humorblogger from http://www.humorbloggers.com/.

It was just me and Quirkyloon, and she agreed to an interview on the spot.

I think youse will like this as she is very funny, and more of her interesting take on life can be found at http://www.quirkyloon.com/

COM: Are you more Quirky, or Loony?

QL: I look beyond the quirky until I find the loony.

COM: So what is one of your quirkiest things you do?

QL: I love to sing opera at home, doing chores, and when out in public.

This required a follow up

COM: In public? You mean, on stage?

QL: No, while walking the grocery store aisles, I get lots of weird looks. One time, a security guard follwed me around the store. I don't think he appreciated my quirkiness.

COM: How long have you been blogging?

QL: I started in May, 2008. I started reading entertainment blogs and one day decided to google humor blogs. I started reading (don't faint or hate me) a Mom blog which clued me to this huge world of blogging. The more I read, the more I realized I was not one of those perfect, cute, and funny Moms. So I started looking for blogs that were more "real" in my mind. Found some and decided, "Hey I can do this!" I just have fun with myself and hopefully others (whenever I get read...and I think I do get read...occasionally.)

Quirky is being modest. She has a very nice and loyal following.

I'm trying to stretch my creativity and hone my writing skills. I like to tell a silly story. So I make a lot of stuff up! Imagine that (pun intended!)

COM: Who are you favorite humor writers?

QL: I like Dave Barry, and Erma Bombeck --she lived in Arizona, you know.

COM: Am I your favorite blogger, or just you favorite humor blogger?

QL: You are DEFINITELY my favorite humor blogger. (fingers crossed behind my back)

COM: Lastly, anything you want to add? Doesn't matter, anything at all.

QL: I'm always looking for laughs in all the wrong and right (another pun) places!

I hope you enjoyed my quick interview with Quirky. If you happen to find yourself in the AZ area, and see a woman singing opera while meandering through stores, the odds are pretty good that you have already met her through this interview.

And, don't forget, anyone who agreed to an interview, please send me an email. My address is on the side.

www.humorbloggers.com