Christmas Spirit Returns

Mrs. C was driving me around and we saw a house so beautifully decorated it brought about the Holiday spirit in me.

They had one of those wire reindeer, a plastic snowman, and a cow.

It doesn't get any better.





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Starve a cold, feed a hallucination

Or something like that.

I was in pain the other day, so I took the pain patch that I haven't used in about a month. I also took some Oxycodone before going to sleep. That night I had so many hallucinations and nightmares. There were people in the room, and, of course, I hallucinated that I pooped in my bed and it was alive. Some of you may remember my hallucinations in the hospital involved pooping Mardi Gras beads. Why do my hallucinations always seem to involve poop? I guess that is for my psychiatrist to figure out.

Which reminds me, in the hospital they took several x-rays of my butt. I asked them to let me know what they found up there because I'm missing some stuff.

They didn't find anything so I received a couple enemas and some prune juice.

Happy times!!!




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A very happy Sunday to youse

It's raining, damp, and cold, yet I feel good. It's probably the Celexa. :)

I'm not going to post the poll, but I'm sure it will run along gender lines. Since more women than men read this, Mrs. C. won the debate. I'm Celexahappy about that.

Also, I found a package of chocolate Twizzlers that she had hidden, which also cheers me up.

On to another subject.

"The boys" were sore. I spent 6 hours in a vinyl chair, and I use a slide board to transfer. A slide board is a 30" by 6" board that I use to go into my chair, go in the car, go on the potty, etc. When "the boys" are sore, youse can imagine the pain.
I called my friend, Freddie, and asked him if he had any ideas. He said to spray them with Pledge.

Said they would be slippery. I thought that made sense.

I sprayed and the pain was incredible!!!

I buffed for a half hour so now they are sore, itchy, and shiny.

But on the bright side, they are lemony fresh.


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Now, for something completely different

Instead of my usual bitching this will be different. Yeah, it was a crappy day, so let's talk about something everybody likes--commercials.

Some of youse may know that on a cruise years ago, in a trivia contest about commercials I tied an advertising exec in knowledge of commercials. I won when I anwered a general trivia question. (What is lighter than air, yet can sink a ship? I'll give the answer tomorrow if no noe can guess correctly, but I'm positive one or more of you will.)

Anyway, three commercials truly make me smile every time they come on.

Garth Jr. rocks!!! What's not to like about a 10 year old Viking with a beard? Absolutely hilarious!!!

#2 How can anyone not crack up when they see Peggy from Discover commercials. Peggy is the greatest customer service person ever.

#3 The girl who sings Hyundai carols is so cute and sings like an angel. I get tired of every diva belting out tunes with such a boomig voice that they turn jingle bells into opera.

You miss a lot by not watching TV. I'm sure most are on youtube though, Sandee.

If I can remember, how to do surveys, soon, hopefully tomorrow there will be a survey here on the blog that I hope everyone will participate in. It's about some issue that is currently causing major strife in Casa Crotchety. As usual it is all my fault, alledgedly.



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As hard as I try

no matter how pleasnt my day has been, somebody manages to piss me off.

Today Mrs. C and I went to a nice lunch with my friend MB and her Mom. Got my first Christmas gift. On the way home Mrs. C bought a hot chocolate from Mickey D's for me. Turned on the TV to catch some golf. Life couldn't be better.

Then the news came on.

Charles Rangel (D NY) -you can look up what he did if yer interested- was censured, which means a large percentage of the House agreed he acted inappropiately.

In his first interview with the NY press he stated, among other stuff, and I'm not making this up,
"I didn't have sex with cildren."

Let's build him a monument!!!

I didn't have sex with children either, so make it 2 monuments.

Mine should be with an automatic spray system to wash off the bird doody.

And just in case you were wondering, when some of his illiterate, moronic faithful constituents said they would vote for him again because he had robbed done so much for them.

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More humbuggery

Holy crap!

Did youse see the price of a tree in Manhatten? 900 bucks. Yes, you read that correctly. Some moronswealthy folks are paying that much for a tree. The same tree in places like NJ, or Brooklyn would cost $150.

Bah Humbug!
Happy Hannakah! Youse guys need 8 days of presents.
Oy!!!

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Bah, Humbug

Black Friday, Buy More Stuff Saturday, then Cyber Monday. Christmas sales, songs and decorations for the last 2 weeks. I'm already Christmased out.

I declare today Bah Humbug Tuesday! No shopping, no carols, and no damn gingerbread!

If gingerbread were any good, wouldn't we have it all year? Maybe it's like turkey, many people only have it once a year.

Well, anyway, have a nice day.

And, BAH, HUMBUG.

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Happy Thanksgiving

Shouldn't you be eating turkey with the family?

Shouldn't you be preparing for Black Friday?

I can't believe you're here. I guess I should feel honored that you decided to spend this small part of this Holiday with me. I am, thank you very much to each and every one. I am especially thankful for the many kind readers who called me when I was in the hospital and rehab. It was a long 15 months, and your calls made it tolerable. I ever you find yourself in the same situation (hopefully never) I'll do my best to return your kindness.

Enjoy the Holiday.



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It's the most wonderful time of the year

The Victoria's Secret Holiday catalog came in today. When Mrs. C accused me of ogling beautiful women I assured her I was simply imaging what she looked like in those outfits.

She didn't buy it either.

The other day I was watching a football game, and a few people were praying.Did they really think that their deity would control the outcome of a game? I'd like to think that God has better things to do.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

Amore

Anniversary went well.

Got the Mrs. a dozen red roses ( how did I let the saleschick talk me into that, when a couple posies would have been fine) and had an awesome pizza for our romantic dinner.

By the way, I started to answer your comments.

Got to go. Physical therapist is here.

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That's amore

Well, I forgot Mrs. C's anniversary was today. A major ooops. What could I buy her now that is so kickass she won't mind if it shows up a few days late?

I have $23.89. Any suggestions?

She already has a fairly new snow shovel, a new wooden spoon, and a perfectly good mop.

I'm going to get some glue and make her a macaroni card. That should be enough for today.



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I forgot to tell youse yesterday that the doctor told me to take a test run with the Viagra. Take one, then sit for up to 4 hours observing my naughty bits. Sounds like pretty much a normal day for me, except that I'll be watching the Jets game at the same time. The ultimate multi-tasker, that's me.

I'm starting to try to write every day now.

This morning, I was watching my 40" TV (can you tell I love it) and the talking heads were discussing our PBS TV station. The begathons weren't really successful. That means most people don't want the station funded. So they'll use our tax dollars and make everyone fund it. I like PBS, and I fund it. But it's wrong to force me to. Bastages.








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Randomness

Went to the doctor today. Got some insulin for my sugar, and some Vigara for my honey.

Once in a while Mrs. C. does me a solid. While in the hospital our TV exploded, so she got me a 40" TV. Still won't let me date, though. You take the good with the bad.

Can't think of anything interesting to write, and while that never stopped me before, today I'm wrapping it up. Going out tonight with Mrs. C., The Pretty Young Nurse, and Mr. Mopey.

Catch youse tomorrow.



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I'm a millionaire

I got a phone call today from scammers.

Love 'em love 'em love 'em

Here's a quick summary

He said I won 5 million bucks. I got all excited because these are my favorite scammers.

He explained it came from Obama himself. Of course I asked to meet him. Sadly, the President is too busy.

So I asked him to send the check right away as I could use some cash.

Then he explained about the $250, to cover the cost of the US Marshalls, and other incidentals.

I explained I'll pay on delivery, and include a big tip for the driver.

After going on like this for 5 minutes or more he put his supervisor on the line.

The supervisor explained that a $250 dollar tip meant nothing to him because he was the CEO of the company and made much more than that.

Spoke with the CEO for about 10 minutes, then I just hung up because my doctor was calling.

They called back another 3 times but I was busy.

I love telemarketers.

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Unbelievable

Took a roll around the ranch today and it was an eye opener.

How the mice will play while the cat is away.

The woman has been spending like we have a money tree in the back yard. And a big one at that.

First, she PAID to have the house painted, knowing we had a perfectly good brush in the shed. And Charlie next door has a ladder she could have used for the high parts. To further agitate me she had it painted banana, even hough she knows I'm allergic.

New awnings. The old one was only missing a few strips.

Next, while going through the kitchen, a brand new wooden spoon. As rarely as she cooks you know she didn't wear out the old one.

Finally, I went through the fridge and pantry.

Name brand products.

No store brand peanut butter for Mrs. Rockefeller.

I gotta go and lecture the missus about frugality. Catch you tommorow.

I'll start visiting blogs soon.


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Believe it or not

I'm Home

At the rehab, the computer has been down for weeks so here's what's been going on.

The other day I was chased around by a little Asian woman with a commode. On my last day I pooped in it, and you have never seen a woman more excited to see me take a poop. Actually sounds like she may be my type of woman.

Guess what they put on Stumpy last week

No, not baby foreskin.

Give up?

A patch made from pig testicles.

When Joe gets around a rasher of bacon (insert your own joke here, I know most of you will.





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Commercials for Morons

These are real commercials and the target audience is morons.

There is a medication and one of the side effects may be dry mouth. The voice over helpfully points out that water may be helpful for dry mouth.

Reeaaalllyyy?

The Johnny Cochran firm in NY also advertises its legal services. They mention they are helpful in case of injury. You don't want to face the big insurance attorneys alone.

Or if you are a celebrity murderer.

See you in a couple days


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Finally...progress

Seems that lately all I've written about is what body part was lost (total to date for new readers: leg, kidneys, belly button, mind) but today there's some good news.

I can lift my fat butt up and stand on my one leg by myself. Taa Daaah!

Once Stumpy heals I'll be able to get a table leg or something, strap it on, and get the hell out of here.

By the way, am I the only one who wondered if those trapped miners got straight pay or time and a half while they were in the mine.

How sick are you with political commercials? Are these lowlifes the best we have? And why do they spend many millions for a job that pays maybe $100 K?

It's been a rough week for me with my Yankees (sniff, whimper) losing embarassingly to Texas. A Rod gets like 27 mil per year. You'd think maybe he could get a couple hits? Well, it's not really his fault. Remember Babe Ruth visited a hospital and promised a sick kid that he would hit a homer for him? Well it seems that A Rod visited a sick kid, too. And he promised him a grounder to second.

I hope to get on the puter soon. In the meantime, Hey Kevin, call me.


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Dumbererest

As a people approach a level of stupidity never before seen in history, I wonder where the bottom will be. I got a box of jelly beans yesterday and it came with directions!

Anyone too stupid to eat jelly beans without directions deserves to starve.

Some good news. With some help, I can stand on my one gimpy leg for 30 seconds.
YAY! BFD!

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Of nudity and clocks

Yeah, I said clocks.

So, I roll into my room and see a big naked guy on the other bed. I understand my women readers may have been intrigued, along with 8-10 percent of the men, but I was perplexed.
It was my new room mate, a guy who assumed it was a clothing optional facility. In the brief time I saw him, I noticed he needed ironing.

The stupid computer won't let me leave comments, and there were plenty of smartass ones.

Some of youse may wonder how I am able to wake up at 3 a.m.

The facility has a young girl vigorously scrub my naughty bits. Works much better than an alarm clock. When I go home I'm sure Mrs C will discontinue this method.

My number is 908.222.5142

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