Bah, Humbug

Black Friday, Buy More Stuff Saturday, then Cyber Monday. Christmas sales, songs and decorations for the last 2 weeks. I'm already Christmased out.

I declare today Bah Humbug Tuesday! No shopping, no carols, and no damn gingerbread!

If gingerbread were any good, wouldn't we have it all year? Maybe it's like turkey, many people only have it once a year.

Well, anyway, have a nice day.

And, BAH, HUMBUG.

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Happy Thanksgiving

Shouldn't you be eating turkey with the family?

Shouldn't you be preparing for Black Friday?

I can't believe you're here. I guess I should feel honored that you decided to spend this small part of this Holiday with me. I am, thank you very much to each and every one. I am especially thankful for the many kind readers who called me when I was in the hospital and rehab. It was a long 15 months, and your calls made it tolerable. I ever you find yourself in the same situation (hopefully never) I'll do my best to return your kindness.

Enjoy the Holiday.



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It's the most wonderful time of the year

The Victoria's Secret Holiday catalog came in today. When Mrs. C accused me of ogling beautiful women I assured her I was simply imaging what she looked like in those outfits.

She didn't buy it either.

The other day I was watching a football game, and a few people were praying.Did they really think that their deity would control the outcome of a game? I'd like to think that God has better things to do.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

Amore

Anniversary went well.

Got the Mrs. a dozen red roses ( how did I let the saleschick talk me into that, when a couple posies would have been fine) and had an awesome pizza for our romantic dinner.

By the way, I started to answer your comments.

Got to go. Physical therapist is here.

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That's amore

Well, I forgot Mrs. C's anniversary was today. A major ooops. What could I buy her now that is so kickass she won't mind if it shows up a few days late?

I have $23.89. Any suggestions?

She already has a fairly new snow shovel, a new wooden spoon, and a perfectly good mop.

I'm going to get some glue and make her a macaroni card. That should be enough for today.



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I forgot to tell youse yesterday that the doctor told me to take a test run with the Viagra. Take one, then sit for up to 4 hours observing my naughty bits. Sounds like pretty much a normal day for me, except that I'll be watching the Jets game at the same time. The ultimate multi-tasker, that's me.

I'm starting to try to write every day now.

This morning, I was watching my 40" TV (can you tell I love it) and the talking heads were discussing our PBS TV station. The begathons weren't really successful. That means most people don't want the station funded. So they'll use our tax dollars and make everyone fund it. I like PBS, and I fund it. But it's wrong to force me to. Bastages.








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Randomness

Went to the doctor today. Got some insulin for my sugar, and some Vigara for my honey.

Once in a while Mrs. C. does me a solid. While in the hospital our TV exploded, so she got me a 40" TV. Still won't let me date, though. You take the good with the bad.

Can't think of anything interesting to write, and while that never stopped me before, today I'm wrapping it up. Going out tonight with Mrs. C., The Pretty Young Nurse, and Mr. Mopey.

Catch youse tomorrow.



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I'm a millionaire

I got a phone call today from scammers.

Love 'em love 'em love 'em

Here's a quick summary

He said I won 5 million bucks. I got all excited because these are my favorite scammers.

He explained it came from Obama himself. Of course I asked to meet him. Sadly, the President is too busy.

So I asked him to send the check right away as I could use some cash.

Then he explained about the $250, to cover the cost of the US Marshalls, and other incidentals.

I explained I'll pay on delivery, and include a big tip for the driver.

After going on like this for 5 minutes or more he put his supervisor on the line.

The supervisor explained that a $250 dollar tip meant nothing to him because he was the CEO of the company and made much more than that.

Spoke with the CEO for about 10 minutes, then I just hung up because my doctor was calling.

They called back another 3 times but I was busy.

I love telemarketers.

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Unbelievable

Took a roll around the ranch today and it was an eye opener.

How the mice will play while the cat is away.

The woman has been spending like we have a money tree in the back yard. And a big one at that.

First, she PAID to have the house painted, knowing we had a perfectly good brush in the shed. And Charlie next door has a ladder she could have used for the high parts. To further agitate me she had it painted banana, even hough she knows I'm allergic.

New awnings. The old one was only missing a few strips.

Next, while going through the kitchen, a brand new wooden spoon. As rarely as she cooks you know she didn't wear out the old one.

Finally, I went through the fridge and pantry.

Name brand products.

No store brand peanut butter for Mrs. Rockefeller.

I gotta go and lecture the missus about frugality. Catch you tommorow.

I'll start visiting blogs soon.


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Believe it or not

I'm Home

At the rehab, the computer has been down for weeks so here's what's been going on.

The other day I was chased around by a little Asian woman with a commode. On my last day I pooped in it, and you have never seen a woman more excited to see me take a poop. Actually sounds like she may be my type of woman.

Guess what they put on Stumpy last week

No, not baby foreskin.

Give up?

A patch made from pig testicles.

When Joe gets around a rasher of bacon (insert your own joke here, I know most of you will.





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Commercials for Morons

These are real commercials and the target audience is morons.

There is a medication and one of the side effects may be dry mouth. The voice over helpfully points out that water may be helpful for dry mouth.

Reeaaalllyyy?

The Johnny Cochran firm in NY also advertises its legal services. They mention they are helpful in case of injury. You don't want to face the big insurance attorneys alone.

Or if you are a celebrity murderer.

See you in a couple days


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Finally...progress

Seems that lately all I've written about is what body part was lost (total to date for new readers: leg, kidneys, belly button, mind) but today there's some good news.

I can lift my fat butt up and stand on my one leg by myself. Taa Daaah!

Once Stumpy heals I'll be able to get a table leg or something, strap it on, and get the hell out of here.

By the way, am I the only one who wondered if those trapped miners got straight pay or time and a half while they were in the mine.

How sick are you with political commercials? Are these lowlifes the best we have? And why do they spend many millions for a job that pays maybe $100 K?

It's been a rough week for me with my Yankees (sniff, whimper) losing embarassingly to Texas. A Rod gets like 27 mil per year. You'd think maybe he could get a couple hits? Well, it's not really his fault. Remember Babe Ruth visited a hospital and promised a sick kid that he would hit a homer for him? Well it seems that A Rod visited a sick kid, too. And he promised him a grounder to second.

I hope to get on the puter soon. In the meantime, Hey Kevin, call me.


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Dumbererest

As a people approach a level of stupidity never before seen in history, I wonder where the bottom will be. I got a box of jelly beans yesterday and it came with directions!

Anyone too stupid to eat jelly beans without directions deserves to starve.

Some good news. With some help, I can stand on my one gimpy leg for 30 seconds.
YAY! BFD!

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Of nudity and clocks

Yeah, I said clocks.

So, I roll into my room and see a big naked guy on the other bed. I understand my women readers may have been intrigued, along with 8-10 percent of the men, but I was perplexed.
It was my new room mate, a guy who assumed it was a clothing optional facility. In the brief time I saw him, I noticed he needed ironing.

The stupid computer won't let me leave comments, and there were plenty of smartass ones.

Some of youse may wonder how I am able to wake up at 3 a.m.

The facility has a young girl vigorously scrub my naughty bits. Works much better than an alarm clock. When I go home I'm sure Mrs C will discontinue this method.

My number is 908.222.5142

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Didja Know????

In Cambridge, Massachusetts, parking tickets are issued with yoga instructions, the theory being illegal parking is an aggressive act, so yoga would make the parkers less so.

I would like to know if they if the shoving ticket up the parking commission's tookus is included.

And today on the news I saw kids are cursing at a younger age, some as young as 2.

Great, we'll have school age kids who can't read and write, but they can curse at a college level.

Somewhere on this internety thing there is a video with me and a bunch of senile citizens working out. I can't dance but my punch punch wiggle wiggle

Priceless.

I'll keep looking for youse.

No matter what you've heard, Wii bowling, without beer, is just as boring as real
bowling.

Thank you to the Queen and all her court for stopping by.






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I'm a Big Kid Now

Been a while since I've typed to youse so I'll bring youse up to date.

As youse can tell, from the title, I've graduated to pull up diapers. Note to men: they are kind of bulky so they are great for speculation if you are into the bar scene.
I report to the butcher (surgeon) weekly, and one week he wants to chop again and the next he saya all is fine. Either way he "cleans it up" which is one extremely painful procedure.

Now I have an ethical question. Some of the old folks are up half the night raising a ruckus and interferring with my beauty sleep. And of course they sleep in their chair all day. So. when I see them dozing, I kick the chair to wake them. The pretty young nurse calls it mean, I call it tough love. What do youse say?

Quote of the month "Hey, I need that stuff."
Can you guess what the physical terrorists were doing to me, or where?

Did you hear about the bank robbers who tried to escape by driving through a car wash?

They wanted to make a clean getaway.

P.S. Kevin I lost your phone number. Please call me at 908.222.5142

Everyone else is welcome to call, too. Or else I'll kick your chair while you're sleeping.



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BORING LIFE

Yep, I am so bored. Just check out my weekly schedule:

Monday, Wednesday and Friday --

3:00am Wake up in a pain induced stupor (result of Percocets and Ambien). Staff washes me becaused I am so dopey. I then breakfast and wait for transportation to dialysis.

5:00 to 10:00am Dialysis, where I entertain my fellow mates and the PYN's.

11:00am to Noon Watch Price Is Right.

Noon to Midnight N O T H I N G.

Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, Sunday --

8:30am Wake up and have my lousy breakfast.

9:00 to 9:05am I wash myself. Can't take a shower yet.

9:05 to 9:45am Wash naughty bits with vigor -- hey, I said I was bored!

10:00am to Noon Work out in PT. Still can't stand alone.

Noon to Midnight N O T H I N G.

Now except for the daily wound dressing change or enema, I am not interrupted much, so give me a call. I promise to be funny, and since I am off most pain meds, I even make sense now and then. (908-222-5142).

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POETRY

So Mrs. "C" let me know that I hadn't written her a poem since "that big tree in the yard was a sapling."

This was weird because we are treeless, but we all have our delusional moments. Hell, I occasionally think I am the King of Portugal. Anyway, I gathered up all my romantic energy and came up with:

"I loved you then.
I love you today,
Even though your butt
Is now Ginormous."

It did bring tears to her eyes as she gently dabbed her peepers. She became so overwrought with emotion that she started punching me. This is common when one gets so overcome emotionally that they act inappropriately. Even to me, a patient with a healing stump!

Maybe I will try another, but get youse opinions first:

"Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
And you still
Have nice hooters!"

I bet she'll be pleased. Wimmin love a compliment...


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My Romantic History, So Far

Don't worry, this isn't porn related, or anything shady, and no body part references where you have to close your eyes. It is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Sometimes funny, sometimes sad, and yes, a bit pathetic. While I have titled it, "So Far...", it is most likely finished, but I do have to keep Mrs. "C" on her toes as she has checked out Nurse Juan. Her idea of Mr. Perfect.

It starts at the NY World's Fair 1961-65 when I was just a Young Crochety. You know the Fair with the big globe still sitting there in the background of the Mets games. If you went you probably have a picture of it with your aunt and uncle somewhere in your family photos.

What is important to note is that this is where I stopped in at the Philippines exhibit. Yes, now you know how I developed my life long attraction to Filipina nurses. It may also explain some of the issues I had with the overly affectionate Filipino mail nurse from many posts ago. Now I will have something else to chat about with my therapist, I guess *sigh*. Thought I was cured.

My first crush was a young asian girl (surprise). I tried to show I was interested by breaking off pieces of my eraser, trying to get them stuck in her hair.

Advice to any young lotharios: This pisses off your object of affection and usually gets detention. Choose another method.

The next young lady was a bit flirty with me so I was thinking about asking her out. Then she died. I refused to date dead chicks. While it is true they don't complain about the movie choice, they do attract flies at the drive-in.

After this audacious start, I started dating some cute little blond of viking descent. That should have been a BIG hint. A few weeks later I got a "Dear Joe" letter as she went off and joined the Marines.

Next was cute blonde 2.0. She asked me out. Few straight males would turn that down,. Most would have been cautious. Most men would have known they were being cheated on, not me.

Soon I met the first Mrs. "C". How would I sum up our marriage? KAPOW! ZAP!! BOFF!!! AAAAARRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!. Nuff said. So was this the end? Or would Crochety manage to find another terrible relationship?

Place your bets...

And the winner is...

Met a woman through the classifieds. Spoke for a few weeks on the phone. We found a mutually agreeable day to go to dinner. She then proceeded to eat more chinese food than a small group of sumo wrestlers while telling me about the great guy she met a few days before. With that you would think she'd offer to pay for part of the meal.

While going from flower to flower I joined a self-help group. Had a lot female members there so I stayed. Eventually an old friend of mine who was also a member brought a woman he had been casually dating. From the moment I set eyes on her I was smitten and have been ever since. Yep, I wooed her big time. What choice did she have other than to fall in love with me. I was a suave, debonair, stud muffin,and a prime piece of American beef on the hoof. AHHH, TRUE LOVE AT LAST.

Going strong for over 17 years, isn't this a happy ending "SO FAR"?



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Moving On...YAAAYYYY!

How wonderful to be away from "Alarmy". Here I am in Room 223.

My new roommate is gone most of the day in his wheelchair, watching the world go by. And he is very quiet and reserved. Ahhh, peace.

Trying to figure out what I should have Mrs. "C" bring me for dinner. Thinking of Wendy's baked potato and chili...

Call me at 908-222-5142.


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