Crotchety's Tips for winter

We have gotten hit with snow storms recently, and it's time to share some of my sure fire helpful tips for dealing with harsh weather.

It should be pointed out that shoveling snow is very good exercise, and helps the Crotchety Old Lady keep her womanly, if slightly Rubenesque, figure. I'm sure she appreciates the opportunity to get in a nice workout in what is usually a time of the year that many find it hard to do so.



First, before going out to shovel snow, it is important to have a good breakfast. This is the most important meal of the day, and can't be stressed too much. So, after I make my breakfast, I insist that the Crotchety Old Lady make herself something that will stick to her ribs like oatmeal or eggs. After she finishes the dishes, it is vital that she dress for the weather. I don't want her to catch a cold or something that will wind up forcing her to be laid up in bed or to miss work.

Layers are crucial. Bulky coats make it hard to shovel, and as she works up a sweat, she could get too warm, which is nearly as dangerous as being too cold.

And don't forget proper equipment. The Crotchety Old Lady deserves the best that money can buy, so I got her

Nothing is too good for her

Once she is ready to face the elements, I make sure that she has her earmuffs, mittens, scarf, and a warm hat.

And then comes the most essential part--I encourage her to go out and shovel the walkways. That's right, the key element in snow removal is mine as "The Encourager."

I remind her to take out the brush for cleaning off my car, and shove help her out the door.

A few hours later, after cleaning the walks and properly salting them, and cleaning the car, she comes in and the first thing I do is remind her to make some tea. It will help warm her up, and, well, opening the door gives me a slight chill. So, it's kind of win-win. And it gives her a chance to do something for me, which she really enjoys.

But, of course, I do tend to rush her a bit because she needs to go to work. And she'll appreciate that the walkways are nice and clean, too.

You are probably thinking that I do too much for her, but she deserves it. And by now, everyone knows I just give and give, it's just my nature.


http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Contest Winner Announced; Blogosphere Shocked

The staff at Crotchety Old Man Worldwide Headquarters and Discount House of Worship have all cast their ballots, and talk about a surprise. The 2 Donnas voted nearly identically, which nearly guaranteed a win for the cationer lucky enough to make them both laugh. And someone did.

But first, the wrap up. Points were scored by Offended Blogger, Dani, MA, Swirl, Rubba, Tahtimbo, FishHawk, Kathy, and Alicia. First place points were tallied by Reforming, Angry Max, and Dizzblnd. But the winner, with more than half of the first place votes was:



Mary had a fairy lamb, it's fleece was gay as dayglo.
By LL

He gets the Zucchini



Second place goes to Dizzblnd, and third was Reforming Geek.

Congratulations to everyone, and thanks for making this a great contest again.

Be sure to stop by tomorrow for winter tips for snow shoveling while staying safe and warm.

Also, anyone who wanted to be interviewed as per the previous post, please send me your email address. Mine is listed on the side. Thanks.


http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Happy Birthday Oprah

Oprah is the smartest person on the planet. Easily.



Think about it for a minute: she has millions of fans, all of whom worship love her because they believe she is just like them. They read what she reads, they donate to who she donates, and they buy what she buys.

Oprah makes, according to estimates, between 260 and 385 million dollars a year, and has managed to convince millions of fans that she is just like them. BTW, can you imagine making so much money that estimates can be off by as much as $120,000,000 per year? And, in case you are wondering, yes, she is easily a billionaire. Most estimates put her considerable fortune at over 1.3 billion. Just like all her fans.

About all they share with her is a va jay jay, but don't tell them that.

I can say that, because I doubt she has many fans who have twigs and berries. *Wink wink nudge nudge* you know what I mean? She managed to convince her public that she was apolitical. Considering that she did everything but sodomize Obama on the Tom Cruise couch

it was a tribute to her genius.

About the only other thing she has in common with these adoring mutants fans is an ongoing battle with her weight.

Conveniently, she got fat just as some of her audience caught on that perhaps she was less than up front about her political involvement.

But damn, we all love a fat and upset Oprah.


Happy Birthday, Oprah

Have some. It's good for ratings

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Caption This

www.humorbloggers.com

Best Whacking Day Ever

Every other month or so is Whacking Day in the Crotchety household.

Not that kind

I go to see Doctor Sergi, who takes a scalpel or really expensive clippers and whacks at my foot for a while. This procedure is called debriding (pronounced either as debreeding or de bride ing,) which is kind of funny because my foot never was a bride, nor did it ever breed. I prefer to call it whacking.

Anyway, after whacking, my toe nails get clipped, and then comes the really bizarre part, he uses a

Dremel Moto tool

to finish them off. It's just a strange experience.

But this was a good day.

The Spawn drove me to Subway, and while she was inside getting me my 5 dollar foot long, what should blow past my car, but a crisp Andrew Jackson.

Sweet.

So, I'm cutting this short, and need to search for a picture for tomorrow's caption. It will be a good one.

Be afraid.


www.humorbloggers.com

I'm Usually Against Beating Kids but...

I'm pretty annoyed with commercials, TV shows, movies, and every other form of media where the kids are seen as in control. The latest commercial for the Chevy Traverse is just one more example. I've included the link in case you haven't seen this 30 seconds of annoying kid chatter.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mYNFX2QLGWM

The kid wants respect. The kid wants the bigger vehicle. The kid wants the other seat. The kid wants...

I want the kid to shut the hell up. What 8 year old kid should have the final word on a nearly $30,000 purchase? Does this kid have a job? (I guess acting in commercials could be a job, but TV is expecting me to suspend belief and think this is a more or less normal, runny-nose brat.)

The days of Leave it to Beaver family life is long past, and that isn't the issue. In nearly every commercial, every show, every movie--the Dad, any male figure, really, is a dunce, and the kids run the household, while Mom may or may not have any input.

Seriously, what the heck is wrong with directors/writers/producers that they put kids in charge? I don't like, but understand, marketing toys, Happy Meals, and cereal to kids, but cars?

I've had enough of the precocious little pests, have you?


http://www.humorbloggers.com/

What's for lunch at Casa Crotchety?

I felt great yesterday when I read the Jannaverse and noted that to celebrate National Peanut Butter Day, she listed several weird things folks put on their peanut butter sandwich besides the standard jelly.
Sure, there were some weird things like PB & mustard, but I was happy to see my personal favorite, peanut butter and tomato, was listed. This is absolutely my favorite sandwich ever. At times, I've gone several weeks straight eating it for lunch every day. Occasionally, I'll kick it up a notch and add jalapeno peppers to it, along with the tomato.

Apparently, this is considered a slightly unusual thing, so I got to wondering if anyone thought any of my other food combinations were uncommon.

More than once, it has been pointed out that the way I eat French Toast is bordering on disgusting. I've seen plenty of others top theirs with butter and sugar or syrup. I use ketchup. It makes perfect sense, as it is eggs and toast (aka a gussied up egg sandwich,) and what goes on an egg sandwich but ketchup? Very few see it my way.

Thinking about it, I put ketchup on nearly everything. I don't eat a lot of animal parts, but those I do eat usually get covered in the 57 Varieties stuff. Beef? Of course. Chicken? Who doesn't? Fish? Only way I can eat it. Pork? What else goes on sausage with pepper and onions or even a ham sandwich? Is it even possible to eat peas, mushrooms, or potatoes without ketchup? I'll never risk it.

What odd foods do you eat?


http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Has PETA gone too far?

By now, I'm sure everyone has heard that PETA is trying to change the name of fish to "sea kittens" so kids won't eat fish. I wish I could make up stuff this funny.

So, now, I wonder what land kittens taste like.

Oh wait, never mind. I'm pretty sure I already know.



But with Valentine's Day coming, I have started to worry about the living beings among us who have no voice, the flowers. Roses, for example are brutally sliced off the Mother plant, and the lucky ones are stuck in a vase, gasping for nutrition, until they finally die slowly, a petal at a time dropping off. I'm going to need a minute here......


Thanks.

We must care about the petal endowed. Does not a petunia scream when it is cut down in the prime of it's life? Have you ever seen a tulip as it's lifeblood seeps out?

I have, and it's not pleasant I tell you.

Stop murdering mums, bludgeoning begonias, and ravaging roses. Flowers deserve the chance to live out their lives in peace and harmony. You just can't spell petal without PETA. They need to get on this ASAP.

Flora kittens need love, too.



http://www.humorbloggers.com/

The Judges have Spoken

In a very close decision, the judges at Crotchety Old Man World Wide Headquarters and Discount House of Worship made the tough choice.
This was the biggest contest yet, with 50 entries. The judges had to put in overtime to reach a concensus. And they did.

Before we announce the winner of the first caption contest of the Obama Administration, it is necessary to give props to all those who racked up points. John, Rubba, Jormen, Lord Loser, Reforming Geek, Jenn, Humorsmith, Staci, and Marvel all scored.


"Dude, how long have we been passed out"?
MA Fat Woman

She wins the Zucchini, along with 500 entrecard credits.



A very close second place went to Kevin John, and Paul was third.

I'm still waiting for the Crotchety Old Lady to get her camera all set up with the stupid batteries. I'm making a list of stuff to take pictures of so youse can go with me on a photo journal trip through Central New Jersey, and, of course, get to see the legendary Rutherford B Hayes kidney stone.
http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Catching up on Stuff

The first interview should be posted on the The Hawg's blog today. I'm sure his answers will be very interesting as he writes one of the best and most entertaining blogs.

Is everyone sick of the Obama Inauguration and Presidency yet? At least the ridiculous amount of coverage? Does CNN do anything any more except cover every movement by Mr. Obama?

The lead story on the PBS news? "Day 2 of the Obama Presidency." How long will this unbelievably ridiculous amount of coverage last? Approval polls are out based upon nothing. Give the guy a chance for heaven's sake. What is the point of keeping anyone under a microscope like this?

And while I'm busy complaining about things, how many times a day do I have to see the commercial about polar bears starving due to whatever the heck it is I am doing wrong? What would happen if all the polar bears died off? Would the world become over run wth seals or penguins or salmon or whatever they eat when they aren't chasing Sarah Palin? Is there a downside to this? Everyone likes seals and penguins, while polar bears are are the murderous coke whores of the animal kingdom.

I'd kill you for a Coke

Make sure you check out The Natural State Hawg's interview, and I'll be getting out the questions for everyone else ASAP. Have a happy day 3 of the Obama Presidency.


ttp://www.humorbloggers.com/

Caption This

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Crotchety Gets Interviewed

Patricia from Subjective Soup interviewed me and asked me 5 questions. Here are her questions and my answers.

1. Your profile says you are 90. That can't possibly be true, can it? You seem much younger.

I usually pick the oldest age that the system allows. On some bios, I'm 108.
I am younger than that: however, in the fields in which I work, and the jobs I've had, I am usually the oldest person in the group.
I went back to college in my 40's, so in every class, I was the old man.

2. I get that you're crotchety, but isn't there something that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy? What is it?

I'm fairly crotchety, but my family makes me warm and fuzzy. And puppies.

3. You have four blogs. How do you do it?

My main blog I update daily, the others are a bit more sporadically. I decided to do four because they are so different. I didn't think most readers would want to read about the Yankees and diabetes on a humor blog. I try to keep my blogs as almost separate worlds. I keep up by having no life. :)

4. Your profile says you like polka music. Does that mean you know how to polka? Could you teach us?

Not really. I'm more a fan of classic Rock and Roll, but polka music makes me happy, too. I couldn't dance it if I had to save my life.

5. Of all the things that make you crotchety, what is the worst?

Blatant stupidity, mixed with arrogance. I'm sure we all run into the person who explains the obvious, and gets it wrong anyway. That drives me nuts. Or they ask a question, and argue with your answer. I've had drivers ask me for directions, and then dispute what I told them. Almost made me forget which one of us was lost.

If anyone would like to be interviewed by me, leave me a comment, or email me. The address is on the side. Just put something in the subject so I know it's you. The interview will be personalized based upon your blog.

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Crotchety the Etymologist

I pay attention to words, how they are used, what they mean, and that stuff. I guess I could be a junior etymologist. I like words, but I'm not really committed to them.

Anyway, some words are starting to just really annoy me. The current one is "historical." I get it, Obama is the first President with African roots, or whatever the heck the press has decided is so historical. Our first black President? Our first half black President? Whatever, anyway, every single thing he does is historical.

Ok, by definition, isn't everything everyone does historical? Could the word be any more overused? Is there anyone in America left who doesn't realize that everything Obama does will be the first time he does it as President? It's all historical. Enough with the historical hysteria.

The next word that is really getting on my last nerve is "natural." Pizza Hut has an all natural pizza, with natural pepperoni. Yeah, I hate those other pizza joints that sell pizza with fake pepperoni.

And what the heck is a natural ingredient? The pizza could be made from whale testes and sewage sludge and would be natural.

Do you know what is in natural pepperoni? Do you want to know? I'd guess not. Do you care? If you did, you probably wouldn't eat pepperoni, natural or otherwise.

And I leave you with this: Am I the only one bothered by commercials in favor of high fructose corn syrup? The average American consumes 40 lbs of that crap per year, and the commercial states it's fine in moderation. What is moderation? We currently consume nearly a pound per week per person. No wonder we are so fat. No one ever explained moderation. Maybe the commercial should state that, too.


www.humorbloggers.com

The Tale of the Bumble Beetle

There is a sordid part of my past that few know about.

I used to steal cars.

Oh, before you get the wrong idea, I never kept them, or sold them, or anything like that. In fact, I always returned them in the same condition. And they belonged to my friends, so it was all good. My larcenous behavior wasn't my fault, really. I was so easily led astray.

The first car I stole belonged to George. It was an older Chevy Nova, and very easy to heist. My buddy Vinny (Ed. Note: Crotchety lived in an Italian community in New Jersey. There is a Vinny in every story, as required by law.) and I were hanging around Burger King late on a Friday night, and George was busy inside working. Vinny suggested that we hide George's car. Which implies, of course that we break into it, and move it somewhere else. Breaking in was pretty simple as he left the windows open. We slipped the car into neutral (old cars don't require a key to do this) and we proceeded to push the car across the lot, and hid it in some large bushes on the property of the business next door.

George came out a short while later, and we were in our usual position, leaning on my Plymouth Duster. George looked confused, as he seemed to remember parking his car where my car was. After a nervous few minutes, he started to get upset, and without telling him how it got there, we "noticed" part of the car sticking out of the bushes. George was relieved. For the next few weeks, we hid George's car in a different place every night. It sort of became a game for George, too.

But that was nothing compared to the Bumble Beetle. Our friend Ken had a car called either the Bumble Bug or the Bumble Beetle. It was a Volkswagon Beetle, about a 1966 or so. For reasons known only to himself and his Creator, Ken's dad, the former owner, decided that it would look great painted yellow and black. We dubbed it the Bumble Beetle.

Artist's rendering

As you can imagine, the car was rather distinctive looking. Ken could not go anywhere and not get recognized, or at least spotted by us. The first time this became apparent was when Ken went to Korvette's to buy something or other. I was driving around with Bob, another car thief buddy, and we spotted the Bumble Beetle in the parking lot.

"You know what would be funny?"
What?
"Let's do something to the Bumble Beetle"

So, we got the Beetle, and moved it to a spot that was nearly impossible to get out of. It was wedged between 2 cars, facing the wrong way. Ken had to wait until at least one of the shoppers moved before he could go home.

Bird's eye View

Keep in mind, the Beetle could be spun around to fit in many different positions, all of which were impossible to drive out of.

We spent the rest of that summer stalking Ken and finding new places to drag his car. If there was a curb, the Beetle always wound up on it. A ridiculous spot to get wedged into? In went the Bumble Beetle.

Good times.

Need a car jacked? Check out :
http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Insurance companies suck, too

I just started a business relationship with Appreciation Boxes (a link is on my page) and one of the major benefits is that I can purchase health insurance. It is with a different company than the thieving bastages professional insurance company I am currently sort of insured with.
Forget that the new company has already lost parts of the application at least once. I can only presume they will get better. My current company, which rhymes with Schmaetna, has been pretty bad as apparently I am only covered if I get sick during an eclipse. On a Wednesday. In a year divisible by 4. Unless it rains more than average.

And it only cost me $650 per month for just me with no scripts.

I have to wonder just how much money gets stolen wasted by insurance companies. I know when my car insurance was supposed to pay for my loan when I lost my job due to injury, they "lost" my paperwork every other month. Of the 12 months I was eligible, they made 3 payments. Bastards.

When my Mom passed away, it took years to get the inurance companies to settle the claims. They had no problem taking payments for decades, but when it was time to pay up, well, you wouldn't believe how many times things "got lost." And how often they were confused and befuddled. At one point, they didn't understand that if they were on the phone with the executor of an estate it meant the insured had passed away and was not able to come to the phone. My sister handled that, and had to explain to more than one "agent" that little fact and bit of tricky language trivia.

And the latest?

In order to prove to the new company that I had insurance before, I have to get something from the old company.

I called Schmaetna, and after waiting for an interminably long time due to various "time saving menus," I had to talk to customer service. Funny name. Here, I expected service, and it turns into a DIY project. They operate exactly like a modern company as after all this is 1957 2009.

Here's the procedure: I need to fax or mail a letter to them letting them know I no longer want their insurance.
OK, I suppose that is good. It would prevent someone from just calling in and screwing up another's insurance because at least they will have some sort of written proof.
But here's where it gets stupid. They will then mail me a letter confirming that they have my cancellation, which I can then send to the new company. The new company said it may take up to 30 days to get everything in the system.

Excuse me--30 days? A transaction this simple should take, at most, a few minutes, and they told me to call after 30 days to see if it's done?

Ok, bear in mind, there is nothing to input except a checkmark indicating that I had insurance in the past. Possibly, they may need to enter the account number of the old insurance.
30 days? 30 minutes would be a ridiculously long time.

These morons have simply instituted an entire layer of annoyance just to justify higher costs. Costs that are regulated by the gubmint, the same gubmint with elected officials who are so heavily financed by insurance companies. Sure gives one pause, doesn't it?

I'm pretty cranky about this. I'll make it up to you with a funny post tomorrow, The Tale of the Bumble Beetle.

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Caption this winner announced

The staff at Crotchety Old Man World Wide Headquarters and Discount House of Worship had their work cut out for them this week. It was an unbelievably close contest as one point separated first and second place.

Plenty of points were scored as Lola, Dani, Mike, Jormen, Windmill, Self Deprechaun, Petra, Paul, and Lauren all tallied some points.

But the winning caption

Whamo! presents the new "Slip and Slut"
was submitted by Don. This is his second win.
Don gets the Zucchini and 500 entrecard credits.



Second place went to Lola, and third was Petra. Each of them did score very highly and made the judges job extremely difficult.

I spent quite a bit of time today fighting with insurance companies, who suck as bad as bankers.

I'll fill you in tomorrow.

In really stupid news, earlier today, a plane landed in the Hudson River. Everyone was safely taken off the plane within a short time. No one was hurt, nothing else happened. No huge fire, nothing. So, for hour after hour, the local news took over the entire TV schedule showing a picture of the plane while they interviewed everyone in NYC. I turned off the coverage and checked back. It was over 3 hours straight at one point-- 3 hours after everyone was safe and on land. I missed the Simpsons and Seinfeld.

The news is on now, with up to the minute coverage of the plane. For those keeping score at home, nothing has happened to the plane in the last 8 hours other than it has been towed to a pier. So, they are showing pictures of the plane sitting in the water at a dock. What could possibly be as interesting as a plane sitting in the river in the dark? The entire news cast is built around the plane. The weather guy is telling what the weather was like 8 hours ago when the plane went down. He just described what the water was like 8 hours ago. Let's see, it's January, and it's single digits outside, what would the water be like? I'm going to guess it was cold. You'd think this was some backwater town. Apparently nothing else happened in New York today.

8 hours of riveting TV

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Scientific Discovery in New Jersey

This week, in Central New Jersey, a cave was discovered and drawings were found on the walls. Scientists were called in from Rutgers University to study these drawings. Professor Emeritus Jonathon Frink led the group, and after hours of research it was determined that this was a vicious dinosaur that was being fed a woman. It made no sense, until Chelle B and the entire cabal from from Humorbloggersdotcom was consulted and they shed light on the drawing and its significance.



They studied it and announced to the scientific community that this was man's first joke.

"Take my wife,



please."




http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Caption This Wednesday, Spectacular prize

www.humorbloggers.com/

The stupidity continues

A friend of mine, Robert Cohen, a journalist and advocate for http://www.notmilk.com/ just sent a note with the stupid quote of the year.
To sum it up: In Indiana, a truckload of cattle, headed for the slaughterhouse, was in an accident. The cows were rounded up, and put on anoher truck, but a vet was called to the scene. The vet (Hargarten) was interviewed and said the cattle seemed almost none the worse for wear.

"I was amazed," he said. "I'm sure they're bruised and sore, and they'll probably feel it tomorrow."

They remained at the fairgrounds Friday afternoon, awaiting their owner to send a second truck to haul them to their original fate – the slaughterhouse.

So, I'm sure it will be a nice relaxing day for them in the slaughterhouse.

The next bit of really stupid news comes from the Brooklyn Cyclones, an affiliate of the NY Mets. It seems they plan to have a special night when they rename the team the Baracklyn Cyclones. http://site.baracklyncyclones.com/

Makes me glad I'm a Yankee fan.

And all this stupidity calls for one final thing. My blogging buddy, Janna had this test on one of her three very funny blogs. I had to find out my nerd quotient.

Was there ever a doubt?







www.humorbloggers.com

Stupid Monday edition

I fell asleep last night before doing my post, so I'm up at 4 a.m. bringing youse the latest in whatever the heck it is being brought. The stupid Giants lost the playoff game that they should have won, and I felt like I played the stupid game. It made me miss my nap, and I was uber cranky last night.

The Steelers won, so at least I'll have a team to root for through the rest of the playoffs.

Stupid Giants.

And another thing that is getting on my last nerve, and I get ready to throw something at the TV every time it's on, is those cash for gold commercials. Are there really people who have no idea gold is valuable? Really?

And now, with the economy in the dumper, there must be one of those commercials every 10 minutes.

And, inevitably, those are followed by a commercial for a Rent to Own appliance commercial. And the pitchman tries to come across as a well meaning uncle, giving you the chance to get needed items like a computer, refrigerator, and big screen TV. OK, who really needs a big screen TV? Especially one that is going to cost double or triple after paying all the fees.

PT Barnum would be a billionaire if he were around today.

And now, Billy Mays is yelling about health insurance. Yeah, I should buy insurance from the same guy selling me super putty, car scratch stuff, and over priced soap.

Thank goodness for Vince and ShamWow or I'd lose faith in all TV advertisements.

But the big mystery to me is, how the heck do the free credit report folks make any money? They give away reports for free. They must work on volume.


http://www.humorbloggers.com/