Thursday, December 04, 2008

Can't Swing a Dead Cat without Hitting Moron

I know I don't live among the illuminati. If only I lived just one mile away, I would be in a town of folks who are much smarter than I am, and they can prove it. The local Post Office is the Brainy Boro office. You can't make this stuff up. They won the title years ago because in some contest, sponsored by the New York Times or some other rag, they proved more intelligent people lived in that town than any other, and won claim to the title "The Brainy Boro."

Yeah, I know, sounds more like they lost, but apparently, they were pretty darned happy about it, and stuck the moniker on a few buildings like the P.O.

But back to the knuckledragging maroons I deal with on a regular basis.

I've posted pictures of my legs and feet from time to time, so it's no secret I have some ambulatory troubles occasionally. My car has a handicapped hangtag, and I keep a wheelchair very visibly displayed. I use it when I have a bad day, otherwise I'm on crutches. Yes, the maroons I'll be talking about have seen me on crutches.

Not exactly able to hide a chair in this
Now, you ask, how do I know that I am surrounded by dumbasses?

Today, while sitting on my couch, I get a phone call from the office of the association.

Dumbass: Hello, is this Crotchety?

Me: Yes

Dumbass: I noticed that you had a new ramp installed.

Me: Yes (note: the ramp is a 40 feet long, 3.5 feet wide wooden monstrosity. Kind of easy to notice)

Dumbass: Oh, did you need a ramp?

At this point, I realize that I have encountered possibly the dumbest bastage in my town of dumbasses. What other possible reason could I have besides necessity?

Style? Did better Hovels and Gardens do a recent feature on snazzing it up with ramps?

Prestige? "Look Ethyl, them uppity Crotchety's got themselves a ramp."

Frivolous spending? I wanted to waste a few thousand bucks on an ugly stair replacement system?

Can you think of any more possible reasons? I'm stumped.

While I wait for your ideas, I'm going to roll up and down my ramp for a while. It's like a really crappy low budget roller coaster for gimps.

Still time to vote for me for Gimp Humorblogger of the Year. Thanks for your vote.

They can kick Tiny Tim's butt while ignoring Greenland at:


LL said...

So... what was your actual response?

The Hussy Housewife said...

HAHA! Not the smartest peanut in the turd. Tell them you are building a stairway/ramp to heaven. And your house is heaven...if they ask you why your house is heaven..tell them to ask your wife.

kalos_eidos said...

Put a big sling shot on one end and tell her it's your new launch pad. Then offer her the first ride.

Adullamite said...

Working in a cash & carry some years ago during a cigarette manufacturers strike we often ran out of their goods.
A large empty space where their killer fags went brought the normal question, "Don't you have any?"
People phone up and ask "Are you there?"
Fall flat on your face and they ask "Have an accident?" (reply is "No thanks, I already have one!")

Gad you are back to your best Joe, if not physically. I have voted!

ReformingGeek said...

"Yeah, I built the ramp so I can show the world my health issues. Was it good for you?"

The stupid question I used to get (more than once) was when I was pushin g an office cart full of boxes,technical manuals, my PC, personal items and other work junk and someone always asks "Are you moving?"

I can't think what else I would be doing. If you're getting fired, you're escorted out. If you're quitting, you wouldn't be pushing a cart with your company-issued PC around.....

I just didn't get that.

Da Old Man said...

@ LL: It went on a bit longer. She asked if I had any paperwork to show I needed a ramp. I asked if she saw the wheelchair. Then she asked if I used it. I then asked her why did she think I had a wheelchair. She eventually just hung up after saying she had to check with her boss. LOL

@ Hussy: I like that. :)

@ Kalos: That's not a bad idea

@ Adullamite: The obvious questions are the best ones. Did they think you hid things in the back?

@ Reforming: You needed a good response like you are airing out your computer. Force them to come up with another dumb response.

Jormengrund said...

No, I didn't really NEED the ramp, I was just really, REALLY bored from retirement, and needed something to do.

You want a ramp? I'm getting pretty good at building them now!

Anonymous said...

"I was planning to build a slide for the neighborhood kids, but I guess I went a little overboard."

Crotchety, just wondering, re the post's title, is swinging dead cats an everyday pastime for you or an activity you save for special occasions?

2 Brits, 2 Yanks, 2 Dogs said...

How about this year, you thought you would give the Christmas delivery guys a break!

Both my husband and I are from England and my husband once got asked
"Where is your accent from" - woman from Subway.
"England" - my husband
"Wow, I didn't know they spoke English in England" - subway cretin!

In fact I just did a post on the 5 stupid questions we have been asked.

Gianetta said...

When I worked for the post office the dumbest question I got asked was, "Do you sell stamps here?"

eve cleveland said...

Jeez, dyin' grandma's and now this? You had me at "Yo".

Chat Blanc said...

tell those dumbasses that the ramp is a launch pad for nosy assholes to be shot into space, never to return ;)

Unknown said...

Did you tell him you were thinking of starting an x-treme skateboarding area in front of your house...

And were just waiting for Tony Hawk to give it the "thumbs up" before making it official and getting the sponsors involved?


A New Yorker said...

Tell 'em it's a trick ramp and when you flick the switch it brings anyone on it down to HELL!

Sandee said...

Yep, that's a dumbass alright. Bwahahahahahaha. We could drown in them around here. Have a terrific day. :)

CastoCreations said...

Wow...I guess my response would have been " No...I don't really need it but I like the exercise I get for my arms when I roll up and down it."

What an idiot.

Unknown said...

Oh crotchety, don't people like that just tickle your funny bone? Because now you have to share the stupidness with us and we love it! I have tagged you, now roll on over to my place and then tell us more than we ever wanted to know.

Da Old Man said...

@ Jormen: It's a sample from my new Ramps R Us store. :)

@ Joel: Swinging dead cats is both aerobic and fun. And serves as a warning to live cats.

@ Heather: That just reminds me of European vacation where he was using the translator when in England. I need to check out your post. Sounds hilarious.

@ MA: I was in my buddy's shop, surrounded by tires, called "Crotchety's Friend's Tire and Auto, Inc." and a woman asked where she could get tires.

@ Eve: I miss Granny Gipp :(

@ Chat: That would work

@ Jenn: The joke would have been hopelessly lost on her

@ Lauren: That would work

@ Sandee: Start swinging dead cats. It keeps them at least a little bit away

@ Casto: I'd get all Richard Simmons on them

@ Etta: Ok, thanks. I do stop by daily. It's on my regular route.

Anonymous said...

Seriously, I hate when stupid people ask stupid questions! I hope you have plenty of dead cats -- sounds like you may need them on a regular basis. :)

Chunks of Reality said...

If I were you, I would paint the ramp bright red. The association would love that, I'm sure! :)

Da Old Man said...

@ Angie: I keep them stacked like cordwood outside my door.

@ Chunks: It should be red because it's important in case of emergency. Wait until I decorate it for Christmas. :)

Anonymous said...

What you should have done is acted surprised -- "A new ramp? What are you talking about? What? On my house? Are you sure you saw it on my house? Yeah, that's my address. What the hell is going on here? This is an outrage!"

Heh, heh. That would confuse them.

Paul Eilers said...

You should have told them it wasn't for wheel chairs, but rather, for launching small rockets on New Years Eve!

Da Old Man said...

@ The Hawg: Outrage and confusion would have been funny

@ Paul: Or it is part of my Christmas display.

Anonymous said...

Geeze, I didn't know you lived in the South!

Okay, so that was mean and uncalled for (in case anyone is offended, I do NOT think Southerners are dumb - I make jokes about my own country, too). ;-)

People are dumb. A couple weeks ago I fell down the stairs and tore the ligaments in my foot, so I had to go around on crutches for awhile... and was amazed by how many people say "Gee, did you hurt your foot?"

Anonymous said...

Send the guy a Bill Engvall "Here's Your Sign" video.

Da Old Man said...

@ Shadow: New Jersey, which is south of you. :)

@ Dan: Perfect!

Anonymous said...

So, it's a slippy slide for Mrs Crotchety.

Kirsten said...

Come on! You don't really need the ramp, you just like the aesthetics!!

Kirsten said...

Oh, come on! You don't really need the ramp, you just like the aesthetics!

Lipstick said...

LOL about "the stair replacement system" and "roller coaster." You are so funny. Cyberhugs to you Crotchety.

Chelle Blögger said...

Ooooh in that car you could easily afford to drive out here and meet me in Vegas for Christmas!! :)

Da Old Man said...

@ Dana: Yeah, it's a recreational thing for her.

@ Kirsten: The ramp is very feng shui

@ Lipstick: Thanks. :)

@ Offended: It'll take 5 days. I only drive 35 MPH with the turn signal on the whole way. And need "potty" breaks every hour.

shyne said...

Oh my.........people really make you scratch your head, don't they?

I like the explanation that the ramp is a part of your Christmas display....makes it easier for Santa to get to your door. He ain't gettin any younger, ya know, and chimney crawling is for young folks.

Hope all is well in your world, crotchety.
You take care of yourself, hear?

jafabrit said...

okay, I am gobsmacked. Need a ramp to me gob so you can plant an expletive and it will rumble out me arse in the stupid callers direction.

Vylat said...

I'm speechless... Actually it just reminded me of the TV program called "Parking Wars". Peope try to get their impounded cars back and have to show the guy behind the window their paperwork. Normally, they don't have their paperwork. . .so, no car.

Willy said...

Willy says ramp it up old man!

10-4 Willy

Janna said...

Hey, if I ever visit the east coast, can I ride up and down your ramp?

And I mean that in a totally G-rated way.

Da Old Man said...

@ Shyne: Santa prefers that way.

@ Jafa: Yikes, indeed. :)

@ Plantbuddy: It is amazing, isn't it?

@ Willy: I try

@ Janna: Of course.