Thursday, December 11, 2008

Secret Santa Can Suck It

My wacky good friend, Bee ( ), at humorbloggers came up with an idea. A Secret Santa Can Suck It activity. As she describes it "you will post a picture of what you would have gotten that person if you had money and you know, cared."

I was assigned the very funny Orion from

I don't know him all that well, so I have been reading his blog lately to get some ideas, because I really want to not get him something he will treasure for at least 3.14 minutes.

To begin with, the man likes toast. Toast is one of my favorite things, and I immediately decided to not get him an uber toaster, such as the one I own.

Almost as nice as mine

But it's the Holidays, darn it, and he should not get something even better.

Like all young guys, he would probably like some top notch alcohol.


More bounce to the ounce

But one good weekend, and the gift I didn't give him would be forgotten.

Finally, it hit me!!! The perfect gift to not give to Orion.



That's right. I'm not giving him a vacation to Brazil. And here is why it's perfect. Carnevale is nearly a week of drunken partying. With enough Holiday eggnog, and a photoshopped picture or two, he may be convinced that he actually did receive a gift.

Enjoy your days of partying, Dude.

This was so much fun, I may not buy a present for every one of my readers.

But not you. I'd really get you something nice cause we're BFFs Photobucket


Unknown said...

Da old man, you did good. That was a very nice gift to not give Orion and I'll bet he would have enjoyed it, not.

Bee said...

He would have boogied with all the transvestites like there was no tomorrow!

Chat Blanc said...

you are a very thoughtful gift non-giver! well done! :)

Adullamite said...

Non gift giving sounds good to me!

Chunks of Reality said...

I think that's the best gift I've ever seen!! LOL OMG this post made me laugh tonight! Thank you!!

Because you are so very special, I have given you a little gift. Please visit to check it out! :)

Deb said...

That guy dressed in yellow IS Orion! How did you do that, Crotchety?

Kelly Ann said...

Who WOULDN'T want a pink toaster?? Awesome. :)

A New Yorker said...


Unknown said...

dayummm you went all out...I hope my foot flush goes over to find out who is my SSCSI partner

Anndi said...

Think of all the stories he'll share... Now he has three blog posts lined up. Excellent!

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Wonderful gift! I can't wait to see what you get me...

Anonymous said...

Hehehe You are really good at this non-giving stuff Old Man! I bet Orion is so excited about his non-trip to Brazil -- I have to admit I'm a little jealous that he is going to have sooo much fun fantasizing about drunkin' exotic parties and toast brunches!

Jormengrund said...

You know, I didn't think of that when I started out my gift giving.

Well, I hope you enjoy your gifts that you're not getting as well once you find out who they're from!

Ed & Jeanne said...

I'm glad you didn't give him Carnival. But wait...expense was no object. You should have moved Carnival to HIM. That's right....with enough money you could have had all those drunken Brazillians and tourists travel to his house and party indefinitely! That way he wouldn't forget it after just a week. But I like the toaster too...

ReformingGeek said...

I'll take some of that tequila. All of these gifts I've read about this morning make me want to start getting happy early today.

The Hussy Housewife said...

I hope you get him a book about "STD's for dummies" to read first!

Donnie said...

Just send him to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. The women are just as slutty and drunk, so he should have fun! It's cheaper too.

Kirsten said...

Love the toaster!
Stop by my blog if you want to know what you got!

Unknown said...

That is one good-looking toaster. What a beautiful non-gift.

And he should not receive that non-toaster because it needs to live at my house.

Wait, am I missing the spirit of non-giving here? I don't know anymore. I'm confused.

Anonymous said...

That's one of the best non-gifts I've seen. Wonderful! How, err, non-thoughtful of you.

Sandee said...

That was very entertaining. A drunkfest can be a good thing. In this case it's good for you. Bwahahahahahaha.

Have a terrific day. :)

Orion said...

An Uber-Toaster?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Now if that didn't light up my ADD like a holiday parade in Brazil, unfortunately... i do understand that I can not be as not? cool as the not old man??

so yeah, I'll be STD free and not go to my not gift of a Brazilian blowout. Whoa, what a way to not celebrate, Thanks!!

and tell DEB her pot shot at me wearing yellow is about enough, unless she wants her underwear strung all over my office too!!

Da Old Man said...

@ Etta: Thanks. I hope he does

@ Bee: Tranny boogying could be his fondest memory

@ Chat: It's the thought, not the non gift that counts.

@ Adullamite: It's a thrifty way to say you almost care

@ Chunks: Thanks. I'll be by in a few minutes

@ Deb: I got skillz

@ Chica: It is pretty cool

@ Lauren: Like it's 1999

@ Georgie: It is Christmas, after all. Only comes a couple times a year

@ Anndi: At least 3

@ Petra: It's a surprise

@ Angie: I like not giving gifts.

@ Jormen: I went and checked it out. My secret Santa didn't get me some really great stuff.

@ VE: But the weather can't be moved. And February could be cold.

@ Reforming: Start the party early. I started last night.

@ Hussy: That's not a bad idea.

@ Don: I spare no expense in gifts I don't buy. That's not the time to cheap out.

@ Kirsten: I stopped by and picked them up. You are generous to a fault.

@ Jenn: I'm in such a Holiday mood. I'll not buy you one, too.

@ The Hawg: Thanks. I believe in not giving big.

@ Sandee: Drunken fests are always cool.

@ Orion: Glad you like it. And yeah, Deb has been tossing those undies everywhere lately.

eve cleveland said...

You gave me the best idea! I'm going to photo shop all my peeps on a crazy vacation and tell them that was their present. I guess they were just too drunk to remember any of it ;)

Lipstick said...

I like this non-giving. The pharm dept does Secret Santa and I run like a crazy person from the sign up sheet.

Da Old Man said...

@ Eve: Not a bad idea. And as long as you photoshop it well enough, you could convince them they were there.

@ Lipstick: My last job, I was lucky enough they didn't have any of that stuff.

Michelle said...

Hey old man where can i purchase that cool looking toaster??? It's for a special person in my life!!!

Yeah so i give toasters to my special peeps!!!


Da Old Man said...

@ Michelle: That is a Dualit toaster. Amazon sells them, and you can usually get one on ebay.
And some specialty stores like Williams Sonoma used to carry them, but they are crazy expensive there. It would be cheaper to have Bobby Flay come to your house to make toast than to buy one from W.S.

MYM said...

A pink toaster! Damn. Now I've seen everything. Life is complete.

I want one!