Happy Sunday Morning

I just got tagged by Eve at

http://www.thatsfunnybecause.blogspot.com/

She writes one of the funniest blogs around. This Southern belle, who thinks she may have been one of my ex-wives (it's possible as I have a lot of fuzzy memories of late nights at Denny's) wants me to list 7 things about me that youse don't already know.

Hmmm. That's pretty tough since I'm kind of an open book, but here goes. I know it's sad, but these are all true

1. I lost the county spelling bee when I was in 8th grade because of a technicality. I retraced without asking. The word was effident. I still don't know what it means, but I sure as heck can spell it without retracing now.


2. While I advocate for the elimination of our drug policy, I have never used illegal drugs.

3. The last time I voted for a Presidential candidate from a major party was 1980. I usually vote Libertarian, or write in the name of a friend of mine.

4. The coolest person I ever met was Jean Shepherd. He autographed my book, "Excelsior, Dad" but I lost the book in a move a few years ago.

5. I used to teach a sex ed and drug class in an alternative school setting. Many of my "students" were parents and drug dealers.

6. Due to skin grafts, I now have hair growing in places it shouldn't be growing.

7. According to geneolgy tracing my cousin did, my family comes from a regal line. Unfortunately, they were disgraced and run out of the country.

Now, I'm supposed to annoy tag (7, 70, 700, 7000?) a bunch of others, but I don't do that simply because I'm such a lame ass maverick. Anyone who wishes to participate is welcome to, just let me know, so I am sure to read it and laugh at your expense with you.

You'll laugh at least 7 times at:
http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Saturday Morning Post

Did you ever have one of those weeks? You know the kind where it just kind of drags, and then all of a sudden, it's the weekend? I just had one of those. It was perpetually Tuesday, and then all of a sudden---BAM---welcome to Saturday morning.

I like Saturdays for a lot of reasons. First, I get to sleep later. Which is good because I usually can't fall asleep until after 2. I usually wake up in time to watch Showbiz India, because I am kind of obsessed with Bollywood movies. I have Shakalaka Boom Boom sitting right here for viewing this weekend.

I probably should take drugs or alcohol or something for my sleep problems. I need to do some research to see what is the best beverage to make me sleepy, and am open to suggestions, and warm milk doesn't do it for me. I'll be busy hoarking up stuff for hours. Beer makes me go to the bathroom, and I'm not a big fan of wine.

The other reason I like Saturdays is grilled soy cheese sandwiches. The Crotchety Old Lady usually makes me grilled soy cheese sandwiches on Saturdays, so that kind of makes me happy. But she may be going out for the day, so that will kind of mess up my grilled soy cheese schedule. I guess she'll make it Sunday, but that throws my whole week off. Am I the only one who wonders about things like this? Doesn't everyone face the grilled soy cheese conundrum?

Oh well. But the good news is our marshmallow delivery came in Friday, so I'll be on a sugar induced frenzy this weekend, alternated with a near diabetic coma. Yeah, I live on the edge.

If you want to know more about my marshmallow experience so far, you can always check this out:

http://thejoyoftoast.blogspot.com/2008/10/mmmmmmarshmallows.html

Don't forget to vote for me at:

www.humorbloggers.com

Caption This Winner Announced

In what was the most controversial vote ever, the staff at Crotchety Old Man World Wide Headquarters and Discount House of Worship worked and deliberated to come up with a winner.

First place votes went to MA Fat Woman, Tahtimbo, Mike, and Bradley. Multiple points were also amassed by Humorsmith, Janna, Matt, Chat, Drew, Rubba, Gumby, and Dani.

But the winner, and the recipient of the Zucchini Award and 1000 entrecard credits



Middle Aged Fat Woman

Damn thongs!! Pull it out, will ya?

Second place (and a really popular caption with some judges)

went to Tahtimbo, and 3rd place was Mike.

Thank you to everyone as we had 37 captions this week. I have to really find something bizarre , weird mentally stimulating next week.

I am working on a huge contest in the next week or thereabouts, so make sure you keep checking in. It will involve chocolate and perhaps a new car. (ed. note: Absolutely no way is Crotchety giving away a new car. There will be chocolate, though. Good chocolate, not that crappy Hershey's stuff.)

And when you go to Humorbloggers, be sure to vote for your old pal, Crotchety.

They have zucchini recipes at:
http://www.humorbloggers.com/

I'm Pretty Bored

So, I decided to check out some of the nicknames for college sports teams.

My local university has the Scarlet Knights, and my university was the Cougars. So far, so good. A group of chivalrous men of the realm, and a vicious jungle cat.





But other schools are not so lucky.

Take the University of California (Santa Cruz) home of

Banana Slugs

Evergreen State College, the home of the Geoducks

Mascot

Yes, they have a sports team named after a clam that looks like it starred in a porn movie. And you thought clown porn was disgusting.

And what must be the worst of all is the The Rhode Island School of Design Nads.

I swear I'm not making this up. You will have to google the picture of the team mascot, "Scrotie," yourself because this blog is rated PG. You are welcome to become an athletic supporter and cheer them on as the student body yells "GO NADS."


They have really strange mascots at:
www.humorbloggers.com
And please vote for me while you are there. Thanks.

Caption this

www.humorbloggers.com

Two for Tuesday

It's time to let you know about two of my regular reads. These are a little more edgy than the average humor blog.

I'd first like you to check out Jamie at My Suburban Can Run Over Your Minivan...and Will. http://jamieandtnt.blogspot.com/ OK, it's a lot more edgy than I usually recommend, but it is funny, which is what it's all about.

Next is the Queen of Snark (snarky, snarkiness?) Angie SS at Cup of Snarky. To be more accurate, it's more like a really large steaming bowl of snarky. http://www.cupofsnarky.com/

From her profile: Do you care that you might offend someone? Hmm…let me think. Um, nope, can’t say that I care at all. I mean, this is my life, my blog, my tiny space in this big, crazy world, so if you are easily offended, I would suggest you run, not walk, run far, far away from here!!

I hope you get a chance to check out these blogs.

Tomorrow is the nearly famous Caption This, so stop back

Find more cutting edge humor at:
www.humorbloggers.com

And don't forget to vote for me when you are at Humorbloggers. Thanks

It's Carnival Time

I previously posted my reasons for avoiding Digg. So, now what?

I currently devote my time to a fairly new social network. You may have noticed that I've been pimping Humorbloggers, and that's because they have been giving me what I need in a social network. We work together for the good of the group, and for each other. That may sound like a social experiment such as Cuba, or Russia.

Instead, think of us like the 3 Musketeers,

Not that kind

only there is a bunch of us. Or a gaggle of humorbloggers adrift on a raft. We all want to get to shore, but if we don't, the survivors will have some really funny stories to tell.

Other than the humorblogger of the year contest (vote for me, please ) we don't have the silly competition that usually accompanies these sites. It is open to anyone, whether a humorblogger, one who reads humor blogs, or just someone who likes to join things.

One last note: Visit Ettarose at http://ettarose-edgeofsanity.blogspot.com/ She is hosting a Humor Blog Carnival. Rather than search the internet for the best humor blogs, just go there today, and you'll find a list of the best of the best, all on a theme. I'll let you go and discover the theme for yourself because I forgot what it is, even though I submitted one it is more fun to be surprised.




Note: Look below for the reasons I'm dumping Digg.

It's always a carnival of comedy at:
http://www.humorbloggers.com

Digg, Dugg, Done

While I've been blogging for quite a while, I only discovered Social Networking sites for bloggers much more recently. I know some of the ins and outs of social sites. For example, I've been posting to chatboards like Ebay's Soapbox and various chats there since the late 1990's. I've been a member of http://www.nedthetoothpick.com/ site since the beginning (close to 3 years) and had a MySpace page for 2. I'm friggin social.

The first blogger social site I ever joined was BlogCatalog. I met lots of wonderful bloggers there, and have made some very good friends. Then, I joined Digg, which is another site, and one that is very well known.

I spent a lot of time Digging original articles, funny pictures, videos and who knows what else. Yes, it took a lot of effort, but it was worth it for a few reasons. First, it helped me as I developed a network of "friends" and "fans," most of whom helped me get exposure for my blog while I helped them. And secondly, it introduced me to many new blogs and ideas. Talk about win-win.

But a few weeks or so ago, Digg threw out a bunch of my friends. They claim (and I'm not going to get into specifics because I don't fully understand, nor care to learn) that my friends cheated.

And I mean this from the bottom of my fat encrusted heart



Were my friends too social? Were they too active and being too helpful? Did they do too much to help others succeed?

From the little I can understand, they used a tool so that they were more efficient. They then were dumped without warning. Ok, I suppose I can almost understand that. Digg has TOS, don't follow them, and you're gone. Little tough considering it's not as if they were stealing or doing anything illegal by real world standards. But then, in a move bordering on crazy, Digg suspended members who just knew the Diggers who were previously suspended.

I have since nearly stopped participating. I've done nothing wrong, I'm neither suspended, nor even warned.

I just don't want to play any more.

I've done 2 shouts in the last 2 weeks, and have only submitted one thing. I suppose I could just go and unfriend everyone, but I'm a lazy guy. I still Digg a couple shouts a day sent to me, and those are only from some bloggers I consider friends, not "Digg Friends."

For now, I've pretty much Done Dugg my last at Digg.

Note: Look below for the humor post from today.

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Bedtime for Bonzo

I recently read Jenn from Cabbages made a list of all the family rules, some spoken, some unspoken. It was all part of the Humorbloggers Carnival. I'll have more info on that tomorrow.

Anyway, it triggered some memories that I had managed to repress for so long. Thanks, Jenn.

Anyway, the first painful memory concerned my bedtime back when I was only a Little Crotchety. See, my parents had decided that rather than engage in the battle of making me go to sleep, they would assign this duty to Clowny. Yes, that's right, a TV clown--no wait, a TV clown puppet--announced that it was time for bed. At the end of TERRY-TOON CIRCUS on WOR Channel 9 in the greater NY area, Clowny, announced that it was time to go to bed. And if I protested, it was met with, "But Clowny said it's bed time."

Go to Bed, ya little bastages

Just imagine for a minute my emotional trauma. TV, the single most important thing in my life, using a program, my favorite one, hosted by my favorite puppet clown, had given me a direct order. What terrible forces in the universe would I have unleashed if I didn't go to sleep then? So, I trundled off to bed, ignoring that it was still light out, and Mary Santalucia next door was still out on her swings.

Eventually, Clowny went off the air, so I could have a bedtime freed from bossy puppet clowns.

But it was not to be. Right around this time, I got a dog named Skippy. Skippy was a great little, albeit excitable, dog. This pooch, a part terrier, part cocker spaniel, had some weird bathroom habits. Skippy piddled when he was happy, he piddled when he was sad, when he got scared (which was pretty damned often and quite unusual for a terrier) and sometimes, I believe, just when he was bored.

So, guess what happened? During my teen years, my bed time was determined by, of all things, Skippy the dog. I swear I'm not making this up.

Around 10 or so, this dog would sidle up to me where I sat on the couch, and stare at me. He would then run like a maniac down the hall, sort of to entice me to follow him so he could go to sleep for the night. If I ignored him, he continued the behavior until finally, the parental units would tel me to go to bed for the sake of the poor, exhausted dog. Bear in mind that the mutt spent 87% of his day napping, and the rest eating and peeing. Apparently, he decided that his job was to tell me when to go to bed. That right, I was being bossed around by a 20 pound mutt with a weak bladder, and the parental units sided with him.

And you wonder why I have issues.

The birthday extravaganza weekend continues as today is the birthday of a friend of the blog, uber doodler Claire from http://crpitt.blogspot.com/ Best wishes, my friend.



And finally, don't forget to vote for your old pal Crotchety at Humorbloggers. Haven't I suffered enough?

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Happy Birthday Rubba and the Spawn

Today, plenty of birthday wishes to go around. No, not mine. Obviously, mine is April Fools Day, which I'm sure surprises no one.

But as youse have figured it out by now, today is Rubba's birthday. You all know Rubba as the official Photoshop master of this blog, and the world's second greatest photo captioner. More on that in a bit.

It's also the birthday of the Spawn, who turns 24 today. They grow so fast. Taking a minute for quiet reflection................................Ok, Party on




Please, have a bit of cake while you read the rest of today's post.



And I think I found the "October Surprise!!!"

A last minute contender in the race for the White House.

Friend of the blog, head "Caption This" judge (which means he has executive experience) and all around reach around fan good guy Bchbear has thrown his paw into the ring. Obviously, you know who I am supporting.



Next on the agenda
I recently won a Caption This at http://dadthedude.blogspot.com/ which is great. You may know the Dude, he's a regular captioning expert at this blog, and has taken home the trophy in the past. I was presented with this



Oh yeah. A freakin' billboard! That man knows how to give an award.

And lastly, you only have a little over 2 months to stop by and vote in the second longest election in history. When you visit, vote for your pal, Crotchety. A chicken in every pot, yadda, yadda, yadda.
http://www.humorbloggers.com/

It was soooo close, and the winner is

The staff at Crotchety Old Man International World Wide Headquarters and Discount House of Worship really had their work cut out for them this week. So many great captions, and for the first time in the last few weeks it was unbelievably close. I like that, it makes the staff work harder and there are few things I like more than watching others work hard. First place votes were received by Carrie, JD, Lauren, Fly, Rubba, and Dad the Dude.

Paul, Matt, Kate, Panda, Eve, and Sensei also scored multiple points.

But the winner was a newcomer to our contest "Candid Carrie"


Does this gun make my ass look fat?

She wins the prestigious Zucchini Award, and 1000 entrecard credits.



Second place went to Dad the Dude, and third place was JD. Second and third was unbelievably close, and Lauren was just behind them. Congratulations to the winners.

And speaking of recognition, this blog was awarded the


by Patricia at Subjective Soup. http://subjectivesoup.blogspot.com/

By now, everyone knows I never follow the rules for these things. But I always like to get them and use them to recognize some of the many bloggers I read faithfuly. And I always give the awards with no expectations. The awardee is welcome to use it to recognize up to 8,749 other blogs, but usually most choose no more than 5.

I'd like to pick Plain Ole Mike. This blogger can tell a story with humor. http://plainolemike.blogspot.com/

Secondly (lastly,) I'd like to award it to the Jannaverse. http://jannaverse.blogspot.com/

This blogger consistently cracks me up. Her sense of humor? Offbeat is probably the best description. I think youse will like it.

And let me close this fabulous awards ceremony with a song an appeal for your vote to make me humorblogger of the year. Just click on the link below, look for my name (Crotchety Old Man) and give a quick click. No salesman will call. Nothing further, no obligation. Nothing to buy. You're done. That's it. Shamwow. Easy as pie. And it helps stop global warming. Or global cooling.

The voting booth is open at:
http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Health Alert

I'm watching TV (as per usual) and suddenly, a promo for the news comes on "Tune in at 11 to find out which foods are making you fat!!!"

Ok, seriously, is there anyone left in the USA who has no idea that

This

is not a healthy choice for most people? As much as in denial that I am (and believe me I'm in deep) I know my physique

Crotchety's Stunt Double

did not come from eating salads and vegetables. Well, ok, partly, but the vegetables were deep fried and battered, and generously covered with cheese, but you know what I mean.

Quickly, Google "diets," and you will find tens of millions of entries. What has the news found out that the 94,000,031 sites on Google don't know? I refused to tune in. The last time I was suckered in by one of the promos, they announced that the best way to lose weight is diet and exercise.

You are surprised as I was, huh?

Check back tomorrow to see who won the caption contest, see what new award the blog received, and chocolate. (ed. note: Crotchety isn't giving out chocolate tomorrow. He has CRS. That is a future contest.)

When at :
http://www.humorbloggers.com/
Don't forget to:


at http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Caption This...Win Prizes

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

And while you are enjoying humorbloggers, please


at http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Look! Up on the desk! It's a bird! It's a plane!

It's Anthony?




They are super at:
www.humorbloggers.com

and don't forget, while at humorbloggers to


at www.humorbloggers.com/

My typical day

Kathy from the Junk Drawer recently posted about her typical blogging day. I was exhausted just from reading about it:

http://www.junkdrawerblog.com/2008/10/my-typical-blogging-day.html

I swear, she must be Super Woman.

Anyway, I decided to look at my day, and try to figure out why I don't seem to get much done.

Here's my actual Monday to Friday schedule, and note on weekends, I do take it a little more easy.

7:00 a.m. Wake up. Put on Mike and Mike on ESPN, and switch back and forth with the news.

7:02 - 7:23 Scratch things, rub things, shift things as needed.

7:23-7:30 Breakfast (usually just some yogurt and maybe a piece of toast if the Crotchety Old Lady is on schedule.)

7:30 - 8:00 Think about going to the bathroom

8:00 - 8:30 Go to the bathroom, wash things that were previously scratched, rubbed, or shifted. Do other bathroomly things.

8:30-9:00 Watch Sabrina the Teenage Witch (Don't judge me.)

9:00 - 9:30 Watch Step by Step (Donchoo go rolling your eyes. It's not nice.)

9:30 - 10:00 Check emails. Delete most of them.

10:00 -11:00 Cookie and juice break. Have oatmeal cookie (I need the fiber) and juice.

11:00-12:00 Stare at my blog. Answer both comments. Visit Ned the toothpick.com and send cryptic messages to Rubba.

12:00-12:15 Lunch. Usually a peanut butter and tomato sandwich on whole grain (fiber, fiber, fiber) and some fruit.

12:15 to 2:00 p.m. Power nap

2:00 -2:15 Scratch, rub, and shift as needed.

2:15 - 4:00 Read blogs, drop entrecards

4:00-5:00 Watch Monk reruns

5:00 -6:00 Read some more blogs.

6:00 -6:30 Welcome Crotchety Old Lady home from her day at the office. Remind her how hard I've been working and suggest she get dinner cooking because I'm hungry.

6:30-7:00 Work really hard, while continuing to encourage her to finish making dinner as it's getting late and I want to eat soon.

7:00 -7:30 Eat dinner while watching the Simpsons. I'm a multi-tasker.

7:30 - 8:00 Poke around the internet, and drop entrecards.

8:00-11:00 Watch TV to relax. Think about tonight's post

11:00 -11:45 Watch the Daily Show, or something on TBS, or Cartoon Network.

11:45 -12:02 a.m. Write post for tomorrow, while watching Colbert or Letterman. Multi-tasking again.

12:02 -2:00 a.m. Network. This means I go to the live chat at Humorbloggers and discuss such important blogging topics as the stupid Cubs, goat tacos, and tee shirt slogans.

It's a pretty full day. I'm willing to take suggestions as to how I could be more efficient, because it is a long day and I don't seem to get much accomplished. Maybe there is something I could do better, or shift around.

And, if you haven't already, please

at http://www.humorbloggers.com/

They are always on schedule at:
http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Guest Post "Making a Fluffer Nutter"

My blogger buddy Lauren has written a guest post for me. She writes http://canubapartofmylife.blogspot.com/

Her usual forte is political along with her observations as a single lady living in the Big Apple. It would have a Mary Tyler Moore quality to it if Mary wasn't living in a bubble.

Lauren has taken us along on dates (don't be a pervert, it's all G rated) and to political rallies and even the occasional bus ride as she likes to sprinkle in some videos that she takes herself. She also takes a lot of pictures of her 'hood and travels throughout the NY area. This is her first humor post, and I'm sure you will enjoy it.


Cooking With Lauren

How To Make a Fluffer Nutter

When making a Fluffer Nutter in your own kitchen, the recipe is very simple.

Traditionally a fluffernutter is made with the following ingredients:
2 slices of white bead
1 jar of Marshmallow Creme, Preferably Fluff Brand.
1 jar of smooth and/or chunky peanut butter.

Yum, yum

This weekend, I learned that there is more than one type of Fluffer Nutter and I'll share that recipe, too. I never expected to learn something so fascinating. And the cooking class was in a bar! Yes, I inadvertantly became a prepared Human Fluffer Nutter.

I am just betting you didn't even know that a Human Fluffer Nutter existed. Well then you're in good company because I didn't realize I had a calling for this until my recent outting with a female friend of mine.

Human Fluffer Nutter = Female Wing Man, for optimum results be sure to follow the recipe precisely.

one really pretty girl as the fluffer (that was my role)
one semi-hot guy (nutter)

Now slowly mix in moderate to heavy flirting between pretty girl and semi-hot guy.

Simmer for about two hours.

Watch closely, because the nuts need to be fluffed just enough. I recommend using the age old standard, look directly into in semi-hot guys eyes because if they are enlarged and mouth begins to smile you know the nuts are fluffed just right.

At this point the pretty girl (fluffer) then leaves the scene to call it a night leaving semi-hot guy (nutter) wanting more.

For the next step to take place you MUST make sure that semi-hot guy (nutter) has been mixed just right with beer to ensure that Fluffed Nutter will allow.



Precautions: Never prepare Fluffed Nutter in the presence of ravenous female friend of pretty girl. While preparing my most recent concoction, the ravenous female friend swooped in and devoured the Fluffed Nutter at bar closing time.

For lots of great recipes:
http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Saturday's Hot Buttered Sex Post

Did you ever have such a great title for a blog post, or a paper, and try to write something that lives up to it? This is one of those posts. And, it will fail miserably. But it won't be the first time.

I've scoured the internet looking for some story that fits my headline, and I just couldn't. No love triangle with Miley Cyrus, Sarah Palin, and Lindsay Lohan, or any combination thereof.

To be honest, I've never even heard of hot buttered sex. But it sounds titillating. Which by the way, that is a word just ripe with promise, isn't it? It kind of sounds dirty.

I am so immature. I still giggle if anyone mentions "titwillow." Apparently, I'm not alone in that. Try googling titwillow, and you won't believe some of the pictures popping up. To get a picture of a bird that was avian, I had to google "willow tit," which is even funnier.

the willow tit

And another word that just sounds salacious but isn't, is Google, as in "To Google oneself."

Finally:
I just heard the world's heaviest man is getting married. I feel sorry for him. When he was weighed in 2006, he was over 1200 pounds, but he has since lost 550 pounds, but they still refer to him as the world's fattest man, and run the picture of him from back in the day. That must kind of suck. He's no longer the world's fattest man, but the paper still calls him that. I wonder if he will ever lose that title. It's not as if he were the President, or one of the Beatles


http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/7648634.stm


Don't forget



You can vote at:
http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Another Caption This winner

Lately, some captioneers have just wowed the judges at Crotchety Old Man World Wide Headquarters and Discount House of Worship.

This has been another of those weeks. One caption tickled my 8 judges enough to award 5 first place votes, which either sets or ties a record. Rubba and Paul also received first place votes, and multiple votes were received by The Fly, Shyne, Offended Blogger, David, MA Fat Woman, and Ettarose.

The winner, and undisputed winner this week is Humorsmith.

"What are ewe lookin' at?"



Second place was a pretty tight race as the Fly picks up some zuccchini for his fine caption. Third place went to David, a relative newcomer to our contest.

Congrats to all.

And the Humorbloggers domination week continues, and one of the highlights is the kick off of the humorblogger of the year contest.

I'd appreciate it if youse could stop by and vote for me. I don't like to beg and grovel, but I will if I have to. Just remember, I hugged a sweaty Richard Simmons for youse. I've had body parts cut off to get you better blog stories from the hospital. Dedicated to my readers. I'd take a bullet for you. If you need to go away for the weekend, I'll feed your cat. I'm that kind of guy.

When you go here:

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Please be sure to:

Blog Carnival-- growing up in the 60's

One of the challenges presented to the members of the Humorbloggers group that I belong to was to participate in a Blog Carnival. I'm not exactly sure what I'm supposed to do other than write about growing up and, of course, to use the expression uber sucktacular . Well, uber sucktacular was something I read on Sandy's blog ( www.witsbitch.blogspot.com/ ) today, and it is her contribution to the English language, so I just decided to fit it into my post today. It truly does enrich my vocabulary, and it pretty much describes my early years.

I grew up in the 1960's, in a small city in central NJ, though many of my friends and relatives would debate whether or not I have actually grown up. A few years ago, my spawn and her friends all got together and decided which of their parents fit different catagories like smartest, coolest, and so forth. I was voted most childish, so that's a good thing, isn't it?

Anyway, my city was a multi-cultural one, which means I got beat up by kids of various ethnic, racial, and religious backgrounds.

I lived across the street from an open sewer a babbling brook, and the Pennsylvania Railroad East Coast main line we were conveniently located near public transportation, according to the real estate agent.

The winters were pretty crappy, because my father worked in the heating business, but the summers were exciting. We often went to Florida to visit my uncle, and no trip to Florida was complete without encountering nature, which usually turned out badly.

http://crotchety-old-man-yells-at-cars.blogspot.com/2008/06/malevolent-monkeys-of-miami.html

The trips to Florida were extra thrilling, because my father decided that it was possible to drive the 1200+ miles to Fort Lauderdale in less than 20 hours. This was his goal in life because one cousin stated it was possible to do it in 18 hours, and the best Dad ever did was just under 21. Anyone with a calculator can tell that Dad's cousin was full of sh*t, but this was before calculators were invented, so Dad fired up the Mercury after plotting the best possible time to avoid Washington D.C. traffic.

By the way, there were long discussions in the corner garage a few days before the trip, as everyone in the neighborhood weighed in on what was the optimal departure time and route. Somehow, it always wound up to be 3 a.m. Every family outing always began at 3 a.m. I wasn't sure exactly how dangerous or tricky traffic was, but it had to be beaten, and apparently, no matter where we were going-- Florida, Virginia, Pennsylvania, the Jersey Shore--we always had to leave at 3 a.m. It wasn't until the Crotchety Old Lady and I had several discussions
and I decided she was right, we didn't have to leave at 3 a.m.

TV in the 1960's was pretty awesome, and I wouldn't be here without it. My family didn't have a remote, so it was my duty to carefully turn the knob to the correct station. Just as I started to get old enough that my father realized I only had a few more years of channel changing ahead of me, my sister was born. Dad bought a TV with a remote early in the 1970's, so he didn't need any more kids.

TV was such a big part of our lives. We got our first color TV in the mid 60's, and it was such a novelty, when anyone came to visit, we would have to try to find a show in color, so they could see it. Generally, only game shows were in color during the day, so we watched a lot of Concentration with a slightly green tinted Hugh Downs. It wasn't until many years later I realized most people were not, in fact, green hued.

My grammar school class often had nuclear attack drills, because everyone knows that nothing provides greater safety during an atomic bomb blast than a wooden school desk. And nothing instills a sense of well being in kids than explaining just how many missiles are aimed right at New Jersey. I suppose some may have taken comfort in Nike Missile bases in the towns I psssed every day, but it wasn't all that reassuring to me.

By the way, Humorbloggers are having a Humor Blogger of the Year contest.

Your old pal Crotchety would be pretty happy if he were to get a few votes. Just click here: http://www.humorbloggers.com/ and look for my name. I'm getting my butt kicked by "other," and that's just not right.

There may be chocolate. Just sayin'

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Caption This

They love to caption pictures at:
www.humorbloggers.com

Two fer Tuesday is Back

I read a lot of blogs, so I like the idea of sharing some of them.

One I enjoy is kind of hard to describe.
Graham at www.adullamite.blogspot.com/ writes a blog that more or less contains his thoughts on a variety of subjects. He has a very dry sense of humor, and touches on such subjects as sports (well, UK ones, so I have no idea what he's writing about, but he still keeps it interesting) learning to drive, looking for work (and hoping he doesn't find it, I believe) some nice photos of the countryside, history, recipes, and so much more. It's very well written, and he updates frequently.

My second choice is one of the can't miss blogs for me, Dani at www.momscrazylife.com/

6 kids, a full time job as a nurse, an almost unnatural love for her inner sanctum known as the bathroom, along with a propensity for attracting weird and obnoxious strangers during her shopping expeditions (shopping with 1 kid --a trip to the store; 6 kids--an expedition) and successful sitcoms have been done based on less. She recently was featured in a magazine, and is a riot. Her life seems to be a chaotic whirlwind, and I get exhausted just reading about her days. Yet she always seems to find the humor in some of the most difficult situations. This is not your typical Mom blog.

I hope you enjoy these blogs.

And make sure you stop by tomorrow for the weekly Caption This, and, of course, the beginning of Humorbloggers World Domination Week.

I'm working on a special contest in the near future. Is chocolate a good prize?

They are taking over the world at:
www.humorbloggers.com

More Hospital Stories

Everyone loves a good "Crotchety in the hospital" story. And of course, the more humiliating, the more youse seem to enjoy it.

So, there I am, laying in bed, watching The Price Is Right, and in pops an official looking woman of unknown ethnicity. She is dragging a rather large piece of equipment behind her and has some other frightening looking apparatus with her.

Immediately, she indicates that I need to expose my naughty bits so she can rub this large machine over them.

I'm intrigued, yet concerned.

It's been well documented that I can be what may be described as "Non-compliant." But I have good reasons. I swear, those wacky hospital personnel will kill you if you're not careful. So, naturally, I ask why she needs to rub this probe type thing from the large machine on my naughty bits. She explains that it won't touch them



Naturally, I want to know why I'm being tested. She needs to check my bladder. So, basically, I get jabbed with this probe thing while she reads the results on the machine. Turns out it was fine. So, she packs up everything, including what looks like a 50' garden hose.

"So, what's with the garden hose?"

Oh, that's for your catherization.

But everything seemed perfect. She told me that she would be back.

I was worried now.

The next day, during Price is Right, there she was again, with her huge machine and the garden hose. Again, everything was fine.

Next day, same routine, but by now I'm starting to get annoyed, and the garden hose is looking even bigger. So, I ask her why is she checking my bladder every day?

She said it was to make sure I was urinating.

So, me, ever the diplomat, said, "Wouldn't those huge bottles of golden yellow liquid I'm filling every day give you a f'ing clue?"

So, for the rest of my couple weeks, she would drag machine and the garden hose to my door, I would yell at her, and she would go on her way. And I got written up as non complant again.

This may be your last chance to subscribe to Deb's feeds. Don't miss your opportunity.




They enjoy having garden hoses shoved in their naughty bits at:
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