IFC

I rarely watch movies, as I miss big blocks of them. I watched one of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies last week (whatever one was part 2 shown on Starz) and I fell asleep in the middle of it. So, it is obvious that I have trouble watching movies when I miss huge blocks of them during my "naps." That said, I do find a certain type of movie that I like, and am able to stay awake during the entire film. I am not sophisticated enough to describe them using the word genre. I'm not even sure what genre means, but I've heard my friend Kevin use it, and he knows a lot about movies, so it must be pretty important and I hope it makes me sound smarter. I really enjoy "quirky" movies. Is that a genre? I'm not sure. But I know what I like. And it seems they are almost always on IFC (Independent Film Channel.)
I recently saw a few movies I really liked. The Station Agent pretty much had everything a quirky movie needed. It starred an angry dwarf, a tortured artist, and a wacky Puerto Rican guy. It was a perfect setting for quirkiness, and lived up to, no, it exceeded the TV Sherpa standard. Another one I saw was Danny Deckchair. It was sort of a chick flick, but quirky enough that I was able to watch it with my better half.
IFC also is the venue for 1970's karate movies. The 70's were the absolute "Golden Age" for karate movies, and these classics never seem to show up anywhere else. Various documentaries like "the F word," are not going to show up on "normal" channels. IFC movies and specials seem to have limited appeal, but this is what cable TV is supposed to be. A cable station should provide real choice, not the same re-hashed, repackaged crap found on other channels.
Showtime, HBO, Starz, and whatever movie channels are out there are all pretty much the same. They might have a different mix of movies at any one time, but they are all basically the same. Regular theater releases, only about 6 months to a year after anyone cared about them.
Boooooring.
It's hard to rate an entire channel, but if I could, it is a perfect movie channel. It is the only movie channel consistently worth having.

Theme Songs

By now, everyone knows how important opening theme music is to a show. The Sherpa gives extra points if a show has a good theme. I was just thinking about some of my all-time favorites.

A good theme is just so linked to a show that when one hears it, it immediately reminds one of the show itself. And for a great theme, the show reminds one of the theme, also.

First, what makes a good theme? Usually, it has catchy lyrics. I prefer those that tell a little story that can bring a new viewer up to speed. Think Gilligan's Island (A tale of a fateful trip) or The Jeffersons (Movin' on Up.) That's not to say that a musical opening isn't any good either (Sandford and Son.) Through the years, some opening themes have actually crossed over and made it to the radio airwaves. Welcome Back Kotter's theme, or at least a version of it, was the only real hit of John Sebastian's solo career. And, of course the theme from Cheers got loads of airplay. Another huge hit on top ten radio was the theme from Hawaii 5-0. Book 'em Danno.

Today's shows seem to be a little lacking in theme music. Sure, The Unit has that awesome cadence thing, and Two and a Half Men has a nice opening, but beyond that, is the King of Queens opening really any good? And the Simpsons? Sure it is identifiable, but rather blah.

I thought I'd make a top ten of my all-time favorites, but I have so many I like, I'll have plenty of "Honorable Mentions."

I'll do it David Letterman countdown style.

10. Speed Racer--It just sets the tone for a fast action cartoon.

9. Theme from the Sopranos--Woke up this morning, got yourself a gun. How could you not like a song that starts with gunplay? Song got a lot of airplay, too.

8. King of Cars--I just like it. They dooz it large.

7. Cheers--Decent showing on top ten radio.

6. Beverly Hillbillies-- Tells a story, and has some classic banjo music

5. Sandford and Son--Jazzy and distinctive instrumentals.

4. Addams Family --What Boomer doesn't know at least one alternate verse of this ditty? Also, first time we ever were exposed to sarcasm. Lurch --petite?

3. Spongebob Squarepants-- Unites the generations. Boomers know it because their grandkids are addicted, Gen Xer's because their kids either watch it now or grew up on it. Also, tells a little story. Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

2. Hawaii 5-0. --Great music. Just feels like an island theme.

1. Gilligan's Island --It has it all. Catchy lyrics. Backstory in a minute or less. And has legs. Ask any boomer to sing it, and he or she will know it better than their SS#.

In no particular order, the following receive "Honorable Mention."

Lone Ranger--Too easily confused with the William Tell Overture

Love Boat--Too sweet for diabetics

Hill Street Blues--I couldn't remember how it went well enough.

A-Team--I pity the fool who left this off the list.

Andy Griffith--It was called either the Fishin' hole or the Ol' Fishin' Hole. I don't like themes that use ' in them.

My Three Sons--Little too blah

All in the family--Too annoying

Lucy--I just don't love Lucy.

Good Times--Too ghetto-ey

Cookin' in Brooklyn--Too unknown

So, that's the list. The ten best and another 10 that didn't quite make the list.

Who said I have too much free time?

Moral Court

Most TV courtroom shows are pretty much the same. They have become very formulaic as one case involves an underage pregnancy. and the next will be something about room mates, followed by a case of property ownership.

Yawn.

Of course, a few of the dramas have judges with great personality, while one, The People's Court features Judge Marilyn Milian. She is hot. I have no idea how she is as a judge, but she would make a great Hooter's waitress, if the judge thing doesn't work out.

Lately, I have been watching an older court show on Ion. Ion is a station that features such quality programming as Alice, Amen, and about 18 hours of infommercials. To their credit, one of the infommercials is the 5 hour long Knife Collectors Show.

Back to Moral Court. It was a short lived show from around 2001. It is hosted/judged by Larry Elder.

These are not cases that you'd find on other TV court shows. Generally, they are cases with no legal precedent, and are based solely upon the morals of Mr. Elder. His decisions are: if he finds one party to be wrong, he'll award $500. If he finds it to be a more serious moral problem, he terms it offensive, and awards $1,000. If he finds it to be outrageous he awards the shows' maximum, $2,000. The accuser or the accused are paid by the show.

Mr Elder often will offer advice, but, since it isn't really court, it is non-binding. But the advice is still pretty good. It reminds me of the advice a good aunt or uncle would give a favorite niece or nephew.

One of my favorite parts of the show is when the studio audience is polled and they give advice ala Jerry Springer's audience to the accused or accuser. Or, they may ask questions pertaining to the "case." The audience is very well behaved, unlike on Springer. And I have yet to see anyone lose control, or physically attack another. This reminds me of a gentlemanly Springer Show, if such an animal could exist. I'm sad that this show only lasted for a short while. Enjoy it while you can.

It is on Ion at 6:00 p.m. for an hour. It has no real competition in this slot.

I rate it 4.58

Colbert Report

I can feel confident when I refer to myself as "The TV Sherpa" because I have over 50 years of TV watching experience. I recently came across this photo of me when I was 1. I'm not even sure the TV was on. It's hard to tell because the TV wasn't the greatest, nor was the camera. I'm pretty sure the camera was a Kodak Brownie, but who knows about the TV. Anyway, I have been watching plenty of TV lately, keeping up my usual grueling schedule of 16 hours per day. Yes, I am willing to do all this to bring everyone the reviews of the best (ok, sometimes "best" is an overenthusiastic term for the dreck I often watch) of TV shows not on the major channels. TV was once described as a vast wasteland. I consider it a sun soaked beach, and I walk along it with a metal detector. I find a lot of rusty bottlecaps, but I also find some cash and fine jewelry.

One of my all-time favorite shows is The Colbert Report. This spin off of The Daily Show with John Stewart is a send up of various "newsy" type shows. I'm sure there is a term for these shows. Infotainment may not quite be it, but it works on some level. Colbert (leave off the "T" both in his name and in report) himself has a very dry, sincere, yet almost deadpan delivery at times that works well when doing a spoof type show. He will stare into the camera, and address the audience as "Nation." He refers to us, his audience as "Heroes." Other times, he just goes so over the top that he is hilarious. Colbert does numerous "threatdowns." These are various threats to America, such as nuclear proliferation and bears. And he ranks them according to severity. Bears are either at the top, or very close to it. He is right on any story involving bears vs. man.

Almost daily, he has guests on his show, and these interviews are instant classics. Stephan manages to spin whatever they say to fit his faux "agenda" and "wins" every debate. The live audience seemingly cheers every utterance. Another very funny addition to this show is the "Dead to Me" list. On it, he has several groups that are, well, dead to him. He also does a segment "Better Know a District" in which he meets with the representative of a district and focuses on some tiny, unimportant detail. Again, it comes off much better than I could describe it. My favorite segment is "The Word." He will give his take on some subject, which is the word for the day, and on the split screen will be text disputing whatever he says. No way could I ever accurately portray the effect with mere words on this page. It has to be seen to be experienced properly. Colbert keeps the show fresh by having a tremendous mix of different segments. He avoids letting things become stale by repeating them ad nauseum. Every show is familiar, yet fresh and new. A perfect blend for this Sherpa.

The Colbert Report is on Comedy Central Monday to Thursday at 11:30 EST, immediately following the Daily Show. It is reported the following day several times throughout the day.

I rate it a perfect 10.

It's been a while, so here's a quick review of my ratings system:

10--a prime show. The Sopranos or 24 would rate a 10.

9-- definately worth watching. Think South Park or Seinfeld re-runs. Not as funny as the first time, but still great TV fare.

8-- Pretty darn good stuff. If you can't be home, you'd consider setting up the VCR. Some solid 8's would be Earl, or Everybody Hates Chris.

7-- Not quite good enough to tape. But you can look forward to watching. The Office is the first show that comes to mind as a 7.

6--Now we get into the shows that are ok, but only a first choice if other shows are re-runs.You won't mind watching a 6 at a different time. Britcoms are 6's.

5-- Think of a movie you liked, but have seen a dozen times or more.You'd choose the movie over the program, then the program is a 5. Mash and almost everything on TVLAND has become a 5.

4--Crappy show, but with some redeeming quality, like it features hot chicks. Any show with Pam Anderson would be a 4.

3--Only worth watching if the only alternative is infommercials. Fishing shows are 3.

2-- About the same as a good infommercial. QVC is a 2.

1-- Infommercials, unless they are The Knife Collector Show. They sell swords!

Still A Yankees Fan

I've been a Yankees fan for a really long time. I'm not saying exactly how old this photo is, but the uniform is number 7, and the Caddy in the right rear looks to be a late 50's, early 60's model. It is pretty obvious I didn't just hop on the bandwagon. My first game was in '61, and the Chairman of the Board (if you think that's Frank Sinatra, stop reading now) was pitching for the Yankees against the hated Red Sox. That game set the tone for the rest of my life as a sports fan. I walked through the cold tunnels, and could peek down at the field. But when I first went through the entranceway that lead to our seats, I was overwhelmed. The grass was the greenest I had ever seen. More green than any crayon in my 64 count box of Crayolas. Our TV at home had been a black and white set, and I never even thought about how overwhelmingly green the Stadium grass could be.

As for the game itself, I remember a bunch of Yankees homers. I'm not sure who hit them, but I'm pretty sure Maris and /or The Mick belted at least one. And when it was all said and done, I remember leaving the Staium, and looking back at the scoreboard once more to see the final tally: NY 13 Boston 2.

Life was good. It was as it should be. Even today, I would rather see the Yankees win 13-2, than win 3-2. I thoroughly enjoy when they pound the snot out of the other team.

Now fast forward to today, 46 years later. Life kicks me in the 'nads rather regularly it seems.

But I still sit and watch the Yankees, my team, and feel somehow transported to a happier time and place. A-Rod makes what the entire team made back in '61. What am I saying? He makes about 10 times what the entire team made then. But it's not about the money. It's about the game. I don't remember a lot about what my Father ever bought me or said to me when I was a kid, but I remember that day when I went to see my first ball game at Yankees Stadium like it was yesterday.

Take a trip out to the ballyard today. And bring a kid. He or she may remember it, and you, forever.

A couple of maroons

Last night I was doing one of my favorite things. I was watching baseball. I can watch a softball game, Little League, high school, minor league, you name it. I'll even watch a men's beer league game. I really like the game. But the ultimate is watching Yankees games. I would be happiest in the right field bleachers, but due to so many factors, I haven't been at a game in a few years.

Anyway, while I'm enjoying what has become an all too infrequent Yankees win, I noticed some of the fans in the stadium. They were playing in Texas, home of the Rangers. And sitting in a prime seat, right behind home plate, first row, was a guy talking on his cell phone during the game. I have no idea what these seats sell for, but I do know they are among the most expensive in the park. And this maroon is on his damn phone! Seats like this are absolutely prime real estate. And this goof ball wasn't even watching the game. This really pissed me off, until I saw the guy behind him. Jumping up and down with a beer in his hand for most of the game, this guy was in the second row. Again, we are talking prime real estate. I'm guessing the tickets had to go for a hundred bucks a pop or more.
Why do I care about this drunken maroon? He was wearing a Mets Jersey. It looked to be one of the expensive Jerseys. Couple that with the seats he was sitting in, and the large number of rather expensive brews he quaffed, I can only assume this maroon has a few bucks.

So, I know he owns more than one friggin' shirt. To me, a baseball fan, it is pretty much the height of stupidity and rudeness to wear a shirt to a game from teams that aren't even in the friggin stadium. Ok, maybe if you had a classic shirt, like a Brooklyn Dodger Koufax, maybe I could understand that. As somewhat of a baseball history fan, I would probably enjoy seeing someone wear that. But, I can guaranfriggintee if some idiot shows up at Yankees Stadium, in the Bronx, anywhere near the bleacher section, wearing a shirt from any team that ain't in the building, said fan is getting a very well deserved beer shower.

I'm not advocating violence, but I am sure advocating using a little bit of sense and showing some respect for the game. If your team isn't in the building, wear a dayum Nike shirt, maroon.

Living La Vida Loca

My mother passed away earlier this week, and I started thinking about how she lived it. She worked full-time up until she was in her early 70's (her choice, not a financial necessity) and using old school thinking, she wouldn't retire because she had nothing else to do.
So, after working for a total of well over 50 years, she was able to retire and reach the stage of life where she did not have to be a slave to the alarm clock or to the whims of a corporate master. And it lasted all of 3 months. That's when she was diagnosed with the disease that would claim her life a few months later.

WTF is up with that? I accept that she lived life on her terms, but damn, I sure do not understand it.

Whenever the lottery would hit those huge amounts, I would dream about what I could do if I was fortunate enough to win. She once told me that she thought it would be awful to win, because what would I ever do all day long?

I guess this is the biggest difference between many of the old school types and me.

If I won the lottery, I would have no trouble filling up my day. Work sucks. I have never had a job that I wanted to do rather than goofing off. Sure, I have even had jobs I liked to do, but I would gladly be willing to be filthy rich and search out things to do.

The world is so open and full of promise and possibilities that I can't understand setting limits on oneself.

Just in my state alone, it seems that every week there is a festival or noteworthy event on a weekly basis. I would attend them all.

And, if I ever decided to venture out of state, the choices are endless.

Plays, concerts, and the best of everything known to man is within a short trip of my home.

That does not even come close to counting the number of leisure activities available to almost anyone.
Nearly any interest may be pursued.

Always interested in flying? Take lessons. Like old cars or trains? Join a heritage club and get involved. Like to help others? Hospitals, day care centers, and nursing homes would love to have volunteer help.

RIP, Mom. I never understood your choices, but am glad you made yours, not mine.

I dunno

A lot of stuff been on my mind lately, and I haven't been blogging. I'd be happy to say that it was because I've been busy, but I'm basically just sitting on my butt, doing nothing. It's funny how nothing can just fill up a whole day sometimes.
Last week I had to get a new prescription for some super anti-biotic. I'm fortunate that I have insurance still, because otherwise it would have cost $2000 for a 2 week dosage. What do those without insurance or a spare 2 grand do? My guess, is they get more sick, and then wind up getting more expensive treatment. And, because a hospital can not turn anyone away, the treatment will be billed to the person. And if someone is saddled with a bill in the tens of thousands of dollars, they either will be bankrupted or they will not pay. I'm willing to bet it is the latter.
So, where's the logic? Don't help someone with a bill for a few thousand (or often considerably less) or don't help them with a bill for tens of thousands?
That is why I have become in favor of universal health care. I've heard the arguments about the cost. And, I'm not buying it. Yes, it will be expensive, but aren't we already footing most, if not all the bill already? Stop by an emergency room and look around. Many are poor people who can't afford a clinic or doctor. So they go to the hospital, at many times the cost of a doctor or clinic, and get treatment. Wouldn't it make more sense for them to go into a doctor and get much more affordable (for everyone) treatment?
It does to me. But I'm willing to bet during any discussion of this subject, it will be spun so it will never happen.
That is truly sad.

Why I hate the AMA

I just got back from the doctor and my foot is infected again. It hurts like hell. I know in a little while it will stop, though. Just in the last 24 hours has been significant improvement.
Back to the AMA.
I was thinking this morning about my friend, Bill. Bill died about a year and a half ago. He was obese, and he went in for the gastric bypass. I warned him not to, but he was so sure it was safe.
The doctors told him there was some risk, but it was minimal. Less than 2% mortality.

They lied.

The actual mortality rate is much higher. For men, within one year of the operation it is around 10%. And no one tells that it will be a miserable year. My friend had the operation in March 2005, and except for about a two week period, spent the rest of his life between the nursing home and the hospital. During this time, he was put in a coma for months, and they amputated his leg. He could not have so much as a mouthful of water. He suffered until he bled to death and died around 6 months later. I guess he is on my mind today because he loved the Holidays. Christmas was huge for him. He decorated the house and really enjoyed the festivities. He also was a fan of Easter. When I visited him after he came out of his coma, he told me he was so excited that he may be going home for Easter. It hurt me to tell him that he had slept right through Easter. It was gone by over a month. Would Bill be here today if not for the operation? I don't know, but I do know he is dead because of it. And the medical establishment continues to put forward how wonderful this is.

God, or Darwin or whomever designed the human body had made mistakes, and only by mutilating it would it function properly. That is the opinion of the AMA, or at least how I can conclude this when I realize that they consider this mutilation a proper medical procedure.
I have seen so many of those uber fat people shows on Discovery. The ones where the guy or woman is between 700-1000 pounds. These shows bother me for a few reasons. First is that they focus on the tremendous volume that these folks eat. Second, they pay no attention to the causes. And I firmly believe there are causes for someone to gain that much weight. Some physical, some psychological.
I know some people who have eating disorders. They are not part of a freak show. Instead, they have serious issues. Every last one of them. I have a friend who ate 5 double cheeseburgers, and an order of fries. An hour later, she had two more double cheeseburgers and another fry. Does anyone think she was eating because she was hungry?

Hell no, she wasn't. Something was missing from her life.

I used to weigh a lot more than I do now. And I'm far from a lightweight today. But I look back at my life then, and I realize what the problem was. I was friggin miserable. And the only thing that made me happy was the time I spent eating. It gave me a little pleasurable respite from all the crap in my life. I've spoken to numerous individuals who are/were obese, and in nearly every case, it was the same story. Something was missing, and they sought to fill it.

And here is where the AMA is missing the boat. And just one more reason to hate them.

I believe, and so many individuals I have run into confirm it, counseling and support is more important for obesity than any pill or operation. Just look at how many people have had the bypass and then gain weight back. They had the corrective mutilation, they had the training, and they are right back on the path to obesity. How can anyone say it is physical? These individuals have a psychological dependency on food. And no operation, pill or plan is going to cure that.
Also, I have been studying nutrition. I have found a plan that works very well for me. If I had this from the beginning, I probably would never have become overweight to begin with.
Instead, the dairy industry, and the beef industry have lobbied to make these important and accepted parts of our typical diet.
Since I eliminated these foods and all but became a vegan, my diabetes is under control, and I am losing weight. I'm rarely hungry, and doing well. If I could walk, I'm sure the excess pounds would melt away. It's slow because my metabolism is at a standstill due to inactivity.

Post 100

Wow.

This is number 100, and how appropriate that this is about my favorite thing in the world.

Yankees Baseball!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The season opened today, and the most dominating team in the world today began their assualt on the World Championship.

The Tampa Bay Devil Rays, usually an annoying nemesis was easily dispatched 9-5, as the Bombers used power and pitching to do them in.

A-Rod and Posada homered, while Giambi knocked in three.

The pitching, while not stellar, was more a result of bad fielding rather than Pavano's efforts. You can't keep giving the other guys extra outs. 3 infield errors is not a good sign. But hopefully, it was just some early season miscues due to the damp weather and overcast skies.

The bullpen did shut them down, though, as they completely shut down the Rays for the final 4 innings. And Rivera was lights out in the ninth as he struck out the side.

And just as important, the arch-rival Red Sox were smacked around by the Royals 7-1. Yeah, those Royals.

LOL.

But, it's a long season, and the fun is just beginning.

GO YANKEES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Birthday to Me

In a way, today is a surprise party for me.

I was told by a doctor many years ago, around 1982 or so, that if I didn't change my ways, I would not make it to 30. And age 40 was almost out of the question.

Well, today I'm 52. I've treated my body like a friggin' amusement park for most of the years after I was given a virtual death sentence. It's only in the last year or two that I have really gotten serious about improving my health. And surprisingly, my health has declined significantly during this time.

WTF is up with that?

I've been eating vegetables. I've been eating salads. (Regular readers will remember I almost had a salad kill me a few weeks ago.) I eat whole grains, and almost never eat meat. I even exercise a bit. I can't walk, so it's not like I go jogging, but I use my Suzanne Somers ThighMaster regularly : ).

I've been losing weight, and hardly drink. Again--WTF?

Years ago my father once stated, (he was kind of goofy) that health food is bad for you. It'll kill you. I always figured it was his usually screwed up view of things, but maybe he was right. Health food hasn't been a panacea for me, I'll tell you.

But, for today, I'll keep on doing what seems to be the right way to do things.

I've been taking a more positive outlook on things lately. Sure, most days I start with an attitude of wondering who peed in my corn flakes this morning, but I'm trying like hell to think, it's not pee, it's soymilk.

And, things have been getting better. Just today, I found out that I have my name on the state unclaimed property list. Maybe it's that mil 5 I forgot about, or some incredibly wealthy distant relative that left me an immense fortune. But most likely it's some bank account with a buck three ninety five. Still, hope springs eternal.

I sit here today, banging on this keyboard, and life is pretty good. I have a lot of friends, both in my RL and in my cyber life. I treasure them all. I have a good woman who cares for me, as I do her, and a daughter who loves me. The kiddo is even planning to visit me today, so I am pretty happy about that.

But most of all, I feel that I have hope for tomorrow. Sure, the odds are I'm going to have a heart attack and die in a year or two (everyone knows I'm the least lucky guy on the friggin planet) but for today, I feel like I may beat the odds. Today, I look forward rather than backwards. It's a good feeling.

Opening Day is April 2nd

My New York Yankees, aka The Evil Empire, are ready for the season. And on April 2nd they take on the Tampa Bay Devil Rays to get it going.

Opening Day is probably the best day of the year. It is the official sign that winter is over, sure, but it is more than that. It is a day of hope. My team, no, every team, has a perfect record. No player has struck out with a runner on third, just as no two strike fastball caught a bit too much of the plate and was dropped in for an inning stretching single. Every team from the lowly Pirates up to the highly rated (and much hated) Boston Red Sox has hopes for the season.

Opening Day, in a way, is a metaphor for life itself.

It is a new beginning. And while we may not all reach the ultimate goal, a World Series Championship for the Yankees, whatever we desire for the rest of us, we all approach it filled with hope. All the errors of last year, the bloops and blunders, mean nothing on Opening Day. Just as our mistakes of the past mean nothing. Sure, A-Rod may have to deal with the memories of last year. This is just as I have to handle the many disappointments of my last few years. But Opening Day wipes the slate clean, for A-Rod, and for me.

Here's hoping for a great season for the Yankees from the new and improved crotchety old man.

Welcome to the new and improved crotchety old man

So far, I have embraced my new attitude of being positive and looking for good things for about 12 hours.
Woofreakinghoo. My life is like a nonstop party right now. It is all lollipops and rainbows. I just saw a unicorn grazing outside in my yard.

Ok, this new attitude isn't really working for me right now. I've heard of "fake it 'til you make it," but don't know if I have it in me. I'm not a big fan of putting on a happy face when I'm friggin' cranky. But I'm trying it. I'm committed to it.

I'l start with a short gratitude list.

What 5 things am I grateful for having in my life?

1. My honey
2. My friends
3. My car
4. My kid
5. I still have my foot, more or less.

Pretty pathetic, but it's a start.

Funny that I was able to come up with 101 things that pissed me off with no problem, but 5 things that make me happy was a struggle.

*sigh*

Peeling Onions part 6

The next installment in the saga aka "What the hell is up with this whiney puke, today?"

This little tune is bouncing around in my head tonight:

Some things in life are bad,
They can really make you mad,
Other things just make you swear and curse,
When you're chewing life's gristle,
Don't grumble,Give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best.
And...Always look on the bright side of life.[whistle]
...
Life's a piece of shit,
When you look at it.
Life's a laugh and death's a joke it's true.
You'll see it's all a show.
Keep 'em laughing as you go.
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.
And...Always look on the bright side of life.

I have no idea why that was in my head, but it was contributing to keeping me awake.

So, anyway, I have been reading and watching (yeah, I watch about 15 hours of TV per day, sometimes more) and lately, it seems that attitude has been mentioned frequently as a part of the healing process. It's probably been there all along, but I'm just noticing it lately. Maybe that is where the song came from.
Nevertheless, I'm still not healing, and it seems sometimes like it is getting worse.
It is hard to look on the bright side of life, but I'm trying. It has been suggested I put my emotional baggage, my stuff as it were, in a trunk and shove it out in the shed. I'm trying, because when I keep it here next to me, I go through it every day, and get that shit all over my hands.

So, I guess this is a positive blog entry. I'm trying to be more positive in my life. I'm going to start to look for the good in situations. I'm going to stop being a self-loathing, cranky old man. For today.
Worrying doesn't help, and it sure as heck makes things worse. So, I'll just wait and see what happens.
Next week is my birthday, and it is kind of funny. I was reminded today that over 25 years ago, I was told I had maybe 4 years to live, and 10 at the outside. Apparently, the doctor thought that would scare me into walking the straight and narrow. Instead it sent me on a narrow path straight to a bar.
I don't know what would have worked, but I do know telling me I was going to die was meaningless. It made me party even more. I was pretty unhappy with my life, so dying sure wasn't a negative outcome. Especially if I could do so after a good night at the bar.
I think what frustrates me most is that I have, and continue to try to do better, yet get knocked on my ass anyway.
For today, I'll get up and continue to move ahead. Slow progress, even immeasureable progress, is still progress.

That's my goal for today.

South Park

This is one of my all-time favorite shows. It is unbelievably topical as the lead in time for the show is days, not weeks or months like with other animated shows.
But what is most surprising is that while topical, the shows stand up to the test of time. That is, I can watch an old episode and it is usually every bit as funny as the day the show first aired. And what is the best part of the show is that it seems to get better every season. Sure, the animation is terrible, but the writing is as tight as ever. And, unlike other shows that have been around for years, no new characters have emerged. No new best friends named Ernie, and no Ted McGinley.
While Butters has had a greatly expanded role, he is still a bit player compared to Kenny, Cartman, Stan, and Kyle.
And Timmy and Jimmy appear just often enough that we don't get tired of them.
I really thought that after Chef left the show, there would be a drop off, but, no, the show just keeps on rolling along.
What I like best about the show is that new characters come in, like Towelie or Mr. Hanky, and then they disappear. Towelie was an awesome character, and they easily could have made him a regular, but it would have changed the dynamics of the show. Mr. Hanky was in a few episodes early on, but he hasn't been seen in quite a while. Again, this is a positive as the show is about the adventures of the 4 boys and their friends. Ike, the parents, Mr./Mrs. Garrison, Mr. Mackie, Mr. Slave, and so many others are featured in an episode or two, and then get back into an ancilliary role. The show stays fresh without the confusion of so many characters. This formula that worked for the Simpsons, and they are in year 16 or so.

I look forward to many more years of enjoying South Park.

And I know they will remain Ted McGinley free.

Has 24 Jumped the shark?

First, of course, it should be defined what is jumping the shark?
Directly from the jump the shark.com website, here is the definition:
Q. What is jumping the shark?
A. It's a moment. A defining moment when you know that your favorite television program has reached its peak. That instant that you know from now on...it's all downhill. Some call it the climax. We call it "Jumping the Shark." From that moment on, the program will simply never be the same.
The term "jump the shark" was coined by site founder Jon Hein & his college roommate of 4 years, Sean J. Connolly, in Ann Arbor, Michigan back in 1985. This web site, book, film, and all other material surrounding shark jumping, are hereby dedicated to "the Colonel."
The aforementioned expression refers to the telltale sign of the demise of Happy Days, our favorite example, when Fonzie actually "jumped the shark." The rest is history.

And there you have it.
Any time Ted McGinley, the patron saint of jumping the shark shows up, you know that the show has jumped. Not that Ted isn't a fine actor (see Revenge of the Nerds, one of the TV Sherpa's all-time favorite movies) but when he shows it is because the show is on the way out. Whether he is the TV equivalent of an EMS or a mortician, I'm not sure. But I do know when Ted shows up, it is a matter of time until the show ends.
I haven't seen Ted on 24 (yet) but I have seen the indications that 24 may have jumped the shark. And that herald is named Ricky Schroeder. I still like the show. It is still exciting, and I remain a big fan, but Ricky Schroeder?
The writers killed off the guy who played Curtis, and replaced him with Ricky Schroeder. And Ricky plays a mean, doesn't play by the rules type tough government agent. I just can't accept this. I'll watch the remainder of this season, but this will probably be my last. It is only a matter of time until Ted McGinley shows up as Jack's romantic rival for wait... Jack has no romantic interests because they have killed off everyone who has ever snuggled with him. Except for that one woman who didn't know he was Jack. And she hasn't been around for a while.
Maybe she is now living with Ted McGinley.

I am making it official.

24 has jumped the shark.

What am I cranky about today?

I wake up, and I'm in a pretty good mood. I'm as shocked as you are. But it is just a matter of time until someone or something pisses me off.
I was watching the news, and it was reported that a school janitor (in his 50's) raped an 8 year-old girl multiple times over the past month or so. WTF?
8 years old? Rape is heinous enough, but an 8 year old? This proves once again that rape is a crime of violence, not one of passion.
When I worked at the Job Corps, I taught a course I called sex and drugs 101. I don't remember what it actually was called, but basically, I taught young adults about sex and drugs. It wasn't a how-to course, but instead it gave them information to stay safe and healthy.
One part of the course involved giving them a test, and one of the questions on it concerned rape. One of the answers indicated that if a woman dressed a certain way, she was "asking for it." Believe it or not, many, if not most, honestly answered and believed that rape was inevitable (perhaps even justifiable) if a woman dressed provocatively. Most surprisingly, this was the answer given by both sexes. When I questioned the women, especially, I was shocked when they confirmed that yes, hootchie mamas should expect to be raped because of how they dressed. WTH?

These were women saying this. Women who were around 20. Not kids who wouldn't know any better, but young adults. Some had kids of their own.
It made me very sad that these women, most of whom had such a sense of bravado, considered themselves to be... hell, I don't know what they considered themselves to be. But they did know that if they dressed "sexy" they should expect to be violated.
This was an attitude that one may have expected to find in the 1930's, not in the 21st century. But, there it was, right in front of my face.

Apparently, the attitude continues as an 8 year old was raped. Maybe she was dressed up, and turned the piece of crap on. I just feel dirty typing that.
This makes me angry, then so very sad.
No child should suffer from abuse, sexual or otherwise.

We need to be more aggressive as a society in dealing with such predators. I can almost guarantee that this isn't the first time this man has violated a female, and most likely not the first child.
*sigh*

Words are so inadequate at times.

Where you at?

I lived through the 60's where everything was "cool."

It was a universal term that just fit any situation. Everything was either cool, or not cool. No problem and cool became the most used word in our lexicon. And I was cool with that.

Then sometime in the late 80's or early 90's everything became "excellent." Curse you Bill and Ted!
Excellent was used to describe everything, replacing every single adjective in the English language. It even had degrees. Things could be most excellent, although I don't remember things being less or not excellent. Excellent never did acquire the level of "cool."

And somewhere in between, the kiddie set was indoctrinated with the acceptance of paucity of language by those ridiculous little incestuous blue critters from France, the Smurfs. The Smurfs just reinforced among our youngest and most vulnerable linguists that it was ok to have the verbal skills of an infant. Why develop a decent vocabulary when "Smurfy" described every situation? Have a Smurfy day, you are looking quite Smurfy, and of course, this is quite Smurfy.

And now today, the rap culture is creating an entirely new set of words and meanings.

Bling? What is that? Is that better or worse than bling bling? I have no friggin idea.
And currently, a relatively new commercial is airing. It is for a cell phone that tells one where the party one is talking to is located. I have no idea why anyone would want this feature. But the conversation is basically, "Where you at?" "I know where I'm at, where you at?" It goes on for the lenghth of the commercial with this inane crap.

When Meucci (don't believe that bull about Bell) invented the telephone, I do not believe for a minute that he ever envisioned his method of communication would ever be used for such trivial crap as this. Sadly, this is what it has devolved into.
A bunch of nearly illiterate morons, speaking what can barely be considered English, chatting endlessly about nothing.

So, what am I ranting about?

I suppose it's just that language is taking another kick in the head. New words constantly come into being. We need them because we constantly invent new stuff. Ancient Greeks and Romans didn't have computers, cars, jets and Big Macs, so we needed to name them. And gradually, our language became more developed and colorful.
It seems that now it is just getting stupid. Put any words in any order and try to figure out WTH the speaker is trying to say. I'm not saying that we all need to speak the Queen's English, but at least we should all get on the same friggin page.

*sigh*

People in My Path

I'm not what would be considered an overly religious guy. I do believe in a Higher Power, who I refer to as God. I also somewhat follow the rules of Christianity. Ok, not all of them, just the ones I like.
But I do like to go to church on Sundays and some holidays, and when I can't, I tune in on TV. I also like to watch some of the TV ministers. I have even sent in money to a few that I found really helpful. One that I really enjoy is Joel Osteen. I try to watch him at least once every Sunday, and to be honest, sometimes his message is so good, I listen to him more than once.
Today, his message was really appropriate to my situation. He spoke that God sometimes puts people in our path who become an important part of our journey.
I was especially interested in this sermon because I have a friend who I have known for about a year who has become very dear to me. I truly believe this person has been put in my path by a Higher Power. On a regular basis, this wonderful person gives me so much inspiration and encouragement. I truly feel that I am not worthy.

In fact, it is funny. A lot of people have been very good to me. I have friends who I talk to on a regular basis. And, the most interesting part is that the overwhelming majority are friends I have made in the last relatively few years. Not that I don't have friends that I have known for decades, but I rarely interact with them. I could pick up the phone and talk to them any time, but it kind of bothers me that they have not reached out and called me. I wonder why.
Maybe, as today's sermon suggested, it is not important to think about this too much. Just realize that more great people are in my path, and just accept it.

For today, I will act as if I am worthy to have all these friends and be happy that they are in my path.

St. Patrick's Day

This is one Holiday that kind of annoys me. I fully understand that people of Irish descent are proud of their heritage, and to be honest, the Irish people have done much to make America great.
So far, all is good. But here is where they get me pissed.
The overwhelming majority of those quaffing green beer and eating corned beef and cabbage know almost nothing about St. Patrick.

In fact, the majority can't tell you when he lived within 500 years. (around 450 A.D.) and almost no one knows where he was born (either great Britain or Scotland.) I don't really care that most celebrants aren't exactly scholars, but could they art least have some knowledge of the man they toast with such vigor. About the only "fact" most of them "know" is that he chased the snakes out of Ireland. This is a legend and not true. But who can stop anyone making a toast while consuming vast quantities of Guiness? I heard that as many as 150,000 glasses per second will be consumed today, in honor of St. Patrick. Corned beef and cabbage is about as Irish as pizza and pasta. But, I digress.

On to my rant.

Patrick was born to Roman parents (would that make him Italian?) and he had a very colorful life. He was a prisoner, and after he escaped, he then went back with a mission; to convert his previous captors and to minister to the Christians already living in Ireland.

Patrick was a man to be honored. He helped to change an entire nation.

But please, honor his memory with a little decorum, and some knowledge.

St. Patrick deserves better than to have a bunch of knuckleheads spewing green beer in a gutter following a night of drinking and debauchery.

Game Shows are Getting Worse

I have always been a big fan of game shows. I watched Jeopardy back before Alex Trebeck, when Art Fleming was the host. I have a love -hate relationship with most game shows, though.

Very little middle ground with me and my game shows.

I watch the re-runs on Game Show Network along with some of the newer ones like Lingo.
Hollywood Squares, Match Game, and dozens of others are among the best TV ever. I remember visiting my Aunt Josie after school and watching Password and You Don't Say with her. It was fun and the company was as good as the games on TV.
To Tell the Truth, along with so many other game shows are buried deep in the happy memories part of my brain. But, I also have some game shows that just piss me off. I have already ranted about the Price is Right, but it seems that a huge group of awful game shows are being cranked out. While I do like Deal or No Deal, 1 vs. 100 is kind of dumb, and Identity is pretty stupid, too.
But over the last few weeks, I have watched what may be the most gawdawful game show ever.
"Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?"
I like the concept. It is kind of funny. But, to make the show work, they have to assemble the dumbest individuals who are allowed to legally walk around without adult supervision.
So far, I have seen two or three episodes and have answered every question correctly. Woohoo! Big F'ing deal. I am smarter than a 5th grader. Didn't everybody already know that?
But that is not my point. These contestants are friggin morons. I can understand having a problem with math. If one hasn't needed to find the area of a triangle since high school, it is entirely possible that the formula is forgotten. No big deal. But not to be sure of the country that is north of the USA? What friggin rock did that contestant climb out from under?
Another idiot did not know the area of a square. And he supposedly was a contractor. Please God, never let me enter a house that was built by that maroon.
Last night's episode had the contestant answering questions that were for 1st and 2nd graders, and she danced when she got them right like she just proved the theory of relativity. Have the producers trolled the hallways of a lobotomy clinic to get contestants? These mouth breathers make Wheel of Fortune players look like rocket scientists.
What bothers me most is not that these people get hung up on one question. It could happen to anyone. I'm sure if I was on TV, I may forget one of the easy answers. I may even forget my name. But these dopes couldn't answer hardly any questions. They have 3 "helps." And so far, every contestant has needed to use every one of them. And I have yet to see a contestant get any higher than 4th grade questions. To make matters even worse, the game is ridiculously slow paced. The dullards have to spend an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out these "questions."
At first, I was afraid that maybe the contestants might read this and feel badly. But then I realized that I used some big words, so they wouldn't even understand what I wrote.
Hey contestants:
Good job!

I Wish I Knew

why I have been having nightmares lately.
Last night's was not as vivid as the previous one, but still just as annoying.

I dreamed that my leg was amputated.

One of my buddies analyzed my last dream, and I could probably do this one.

I am afraid that my leg is going to get cut off. Ok, not really deep analysis needed here. I do wake up with a sense of impending doom. So, when I wake up from these nightmares, it sucks because I then lay on the couch and watch TV for hours. I can assure everyone, the TV choices at 3:00 a.m. are fairly limited.

Infommercials that will make me a fortune in day trading, or other infommercials that will sell me 300 knives (and a few swords) for $350, or baseball card lots that will also make me an instant store owner, fully stocked with the best of the 80's cards that no one else wanted.

Just the other night, one sword package offered 8 swords for only $140.00. I don't know why, but I really want a broadsword. I have no idea what I will do with it. I like to imagine defending house and home with it. I do own a .357, which is much more effective. But, damn, the picture of me brandishing a broadsword, while holding highwaymen at bay, is truly one that is difficult to erase.

But, in my 8 pack of swords, how would I know which would be more effective at thwarting highwaymen? Sure, the broadsword is a fine weapon, but perhaps a cutlass or saber would be more efficient. The Bowie sword/knife is cool looking, and darned effective up close, but not really a good choice if my adversary is armed with a broadsword. I should probably bring all of my swords with me on the porch, just in case.
I might just go with the Katana, though. It looks like it may be easier to manuever from my porch and will keep the highwaymen at bay longer. This may be my best choice as long as I keep a dagger alongside, for close combat.
I really shouldn't spend so much time thinking.

A leaf falls

l(a
le
af
fa
ll
s)
one
l
iness

I have no idea why this poem woke me up in the middle of the night. Actually, the poem didn't wake me, I had a dream that woke me up, and this poem popped into my head. I rarely ever read poetry, but today, for some reason, I read a bit of e.e. cummings. He is my favorite poet. This is my favorite poem, but surprisingly, this isn't one of the poems I read today. In fact, I forgot he wrote this. For some reason, I thought it was by Ferlinghetti, who often wrote in such a visual manner. I guess I'm starting to sound as if I understand about poetry, but I really know very little.
I've read about and enjoyed poems written by e.e. and Ferlinghetti, and of course, Joyce Kilmer. I know about him because Joyce Kilmer was born about a mile from the house where I grew up, located on Joyce Kilmer Ave. Kind of hard not to know who he was.
Back to waking up in the middle of the night.
I had this freaky dream where I was in my old neighborhood, the one where I grew up. And, for some reason, I was walking down the street, and it must have been fall. This is because I could hear the yellow and red leaves crisply snapping under my feet as I walked. I guess I dream in color.
And I felt so unbelievably lonely. I wanted to hold the hand of a friend, but no one was around. So I went and sat in my old pick-up truck, hoping my friend would see me and come out and hold my hand. The freaky part of this?
Not only did I have such an overwhelming feeling of, for lack of a better term, being overwhelmed, but the friend wasn't someone I have ever seen. I couldn't pick this friend out of a lineup, and no one was actually in my dream except me. It was just a feeling. And the pickup truck I sat in? I haven't had it since the late 90's. The truck was a wreck when I got rid of it, but in my dream it was brand new.
Lastly, the dream took place in my old neighborhood, but on a street that I didn't usually go to. It was the last street in what I would consider to be the old neighborhood, if that makes any sense.
I don't know anything about dreams, but this one is freaking me out. Not so much for the content, but for the feelings.
The overwhelming despair, the loneliness, and the fear of the unknown.
I can only guess that my subconscious is dealing with things that I am consciously choosing to ignore.
At least by writing it here, it is on paper, so to speak. For some reason, I now feel better and can deal with it.
I'm probably going to pop a Percoset or two for the pain, and also because they put me in a deep sleep.
For a guy who can barely walk, I certainly do run away a lot.

*sigh*

Salad, We Don't Need No Stinkin' Salad.

Here I sit at close to 2:00 a.m. with a feeling in my stomach like I ate friggin lead for dinner.
What did I have? A Mexican Fajita Salad.
Calling this a salad is like calling the Queen Mary 2 a boat. It had sour cream, avocado, beef, onions, dressing, cheese, tomatoes, and somewhere, under all that stuff, a piece of lettuce or two.
I tried to finish it, but failed miserably. I can't imagine how I'd feel if I did.
I've been downing Tums for the last hour or so. My head feels as if I'd been drinking like in the old days.
Damn, how can a salad wreak so much havoc?

Better still, how can they call this 2000+ calorie thing a salad?

I shouldn't be in so much pain from eating a salad.

Bummer. I get taken out by a salad. I may have to turn in my manly man card.

I've been sick. Yeah, that's it, I'll blame it on being sick.

Life Sucks and then You Die

I just got some less than thrilling news today. My battle against my foot is not going so well. The part that was amputated is healing faster than expected. The doctor was pleasantly surprised. He even smiled. Then he looked at the part of my foot that has been hurting like hell all week. He definately had that "oh shit" look on his face now. A new wound has opened up and it is pretty serious. It is in a part of my foot that has been pretty trouble free until now. I am on antibiotics, so we are hoping it was caught in time. The doctor is reasonably sure it is ok, but he took cultures just in case.
I am running out of chances. If this thing is infected, I can be pretty sure that I am losing a leg.
My sugar has been really good, and my temperature is normal, so I am pretty optimistic.

But I still worry about it. A lot.

If I have to face another surgery, I don't know if I can handle it, emotionally or physically.

My life has been nothing but setbacks for the last few years. I take one step forward, and get knocked on my ass two steps backwards.

Just when I think I can see daylight, I get poked in the eyes ala the 3 Stooges.

I am really bummed out tonight.

Munsters or Addams Family

Betty or Wilma? (Wilma) Ginger or MaryAnn (Ginger) These are just a few of the questions guys quiz each other while quaffing various forms of liquid refreshment. I can't imagine two women asking "Fred or Barney?" Women just don't seem to get into these scenarios.
Generally, these can be answered quickly, and a case can't be made to have someone change another's mind. After all, few Betty fans can be persuaded to switch to Wilma, just as no died in the wool Ginger fan will switch because MaryAnn makes a mean Coconut cream pie.

I want to address what may be the greatest of all these, Munsters or Addams Family. Not only is this possibly the greatest question, but it is one that can actually be debated. I've been thinking about this because TVLand now shows the Munsters and the Addams Family every day one after the other. And anyone who knows me, knows that I am a huge fan of both shows.

But I have to decide which is the greatest 60's show.

The Munsters may have had the coolest rides (the Munstermobile and Dragula) but the Addams Family was just better. First, the home was based upon homes from Westfield, NJ. The theme music was just the greatest. Every kid in the 60's knew the words to the theme and at least one off color version of it. Without a doubt, it could be named after hearing just 4 notes.
And the ancilliary characters were awesome. While Grandpa Munster was pretty funny, Uncle Fester was "the man." Who knew more about explosives? Blowing up the toy train set was hilarious.
The Munsters had some sight gags, with all the dust and various ghoulish things around the house, but Gomez on his bed of nails or his torture rack? Humor at its best. And while Eddie Munster had his problems fitting in, Wednesday and Pugsley didn't fit in and were proud of it. If Eddie had trouble at school, Herman and Lilly wanted to help him do better. Boooring. Gomez and Morticia solved the problem by buying their own private school. Everything was just so over the top. The Munsters were a family of freaks trying to fit in, while the Addams Family was a freakish family who made the world adjust to them. The Munsters planned a vacation in the desert, Gomez wanted to go to the moon. For every weird pet the Munsters had, the Addams Family could match it easily. Spot, the unseen pet dragon? Kitty, the often seen lion. A pet bat?

Thing. What could be as cool as Thing? That's right.
Thing stands alone.

It is obvious which is my favorite, and easily the best show. The Addams Family, hands down.

I'm drawing a blank

I feel totally blah. Not happy, not unhappy. Don't feel like doing much of anything, except eat chocolate Teddy Grahams. Now the box is empty, so it is back to trying to find things to do to keep myself amused.
Most of my online friends are at work, as are my RW friends.

Daytime TV is boring. I have a new magazine here, but don't feel like reading it.

Isn't even anything I can get in trouble doing. I'm pretty much housebound, so any shenanigans will be my fault. I have no one to blame it on, nor can I claim I wasn't around when it happened.

Million things that have to be done (ok, a million is a hyperbole--can't be more than 359,458 things to do) and I just don't feel like doing them. I had a scare with my blood pressure for a few days, it was ridiculosly high, but that has come down into the normal range. Of course, I used some essential oils to do it, so my home smells like a flower shop. Not exactly a bad thing, and a hell of a lot better than having my head or heart explode, which is definately a bad thing.

I have some classical music playing, which I like a lot. I can't tell the difference between Franz and Mozart, but I don't care. I do like something called the Baroque period, but know so little about it. And I'm not interested enough to even google it.

But what has been on my mind is equity.

Not equality, but equity, that is, everyone getting their fair share.

I don't mean in the Communistic sense, but rather in the way that everyone has a fair chance at the golden ring. Maybe the golden ring isn't the right term, but it will have to suffice for now.

I guess it is on my mind because I know a number of individuals (myself included) who need a hand up. At least temporarily. Yet our system is such that it either gives assistance to individuals that don't need it, or makes those that do need it jump through hoops. Specifically, at this moment, I'm speaking of Social Security. The system is crazy. It takes months for it to kick in. The excuse is that they have to investigate each case. I filled out 14 copies of one form. Why? I have no idea. Another form needed to be filled out at least 3 times. This was so ludicrous since they have all the information readily available already. Talk about a waste of time and money. Someone had to send out and then read all those forms.
Then comes the really crazy part. According to SS, one's income will be limited and it is not on a case by case basis. I used to work with Developmentally Disabled adults. Some of them were able to work part-time. And some of them had to be very careful not to go over the maximum allowable earnings. (around $700 per month) I realize that this may seem like a lot of money to some people, but bear in mind they would not just lose the benefit, they would lose health care. Considering many, if not most of the DD population has much greater than normal health care costs, this can be catastrophic. Unbelievable. Is it not in the best interests of everybody to allow the DD population to earn every penny that they could, and then to simply reduce their benefit? It's not as if they will ever be able to enter the normal work world. And, when one loses a job, it is very difficult to find meaningful employment. Not a lot of openings for the DD population.
I guess where this is leading is universal health care. I was opposed to it for as long time, but I have changed my mind. I have heard all the naysayers, but I am willing to bet that not one of them has ever been in a situation where they did not have health care readily available, or with the ability to pay for it. Many people are in the situation where health care is not affordable. The choice then is to do without. Unless one gets very ill. Then they go into the hospital and are treated, usually at great expense, and they don't have to pay anything. This makes no sense. Preventative care is more logical, and I believe much more cost efficient.
Also, when I look at disabled persons, I wonder how many stay on disability because they need the health care? A few hundred extra per month in a low paying job is no trade off for the loss of health care. I also wonder how much of an impact this will have on illegal immigration? Low paying jobs may be more attractive if health care is available to legal citizens. I'm sure folks who are out of work would be off unemployment sooner if they didn't have to worry about health care. It may be worth reconsidering.

Peeling Onions part 5

Originally, I was going to call this Forgiveness, the Sequel, but it turned into some introspective crap. And it made me shed a tear while writing it...

I was reading A FORGIVENESS TECHNIQUE by Emmet Fox, and once again, I am faced with the realization that I need to forgive those from my past. I found 3 parts of the passage especially helpful:

When you hold resentment against anyone, you are bound to that person by a cosmic link, a real, though mental chain. You are tied by a cosmic tie to the thing that you hate. The one person perhaps in the whole world whom you most dislike is the very one to whom you are attaching yourself by a hook that is stronger than steel. Is this what you wish? Is this the condition in which you desire to go on living? Remember, you belong to the thing with which you are linked in thought, and at some time or other, if that tie endures, the object of your resentment will be drawn again into your life, perhaps to work further havoc. Do you think that you can afford this? Of course, no one can afford such a thing; and so the way is clear. You must cut all such ties, by a clear and spiritual act of forgiveness. You must loose him and let him go. By forgiveness you set yourself free; you save your soul. And because the law of love works alike for one and all, you help to save their soul too, making it just so much easier for them to become what they ought to be...

People have always made such a bogey of forgiveness because they have been under the erroneous impression that to forgive a person means that you have to compel yourself to like them. Happily this is by no means the case – we are not called upon to like anyone whom we do not find ourselves liking spontaneously, and, indeed, itis quite impossible to like people to order. You can no more LIKE to order than you can hold the winds in your fist, and if your endeavor to coerce yourself into doing so, you will finish by disliking or hating the offender more than ever. People used to think that when someone had hurt them very much, it was their duty, as good Christians, to pump up, as it were, a feeling of liking for him; and since such a thing is utterly impossible, they suffer a great deal of distress, and ended, necessarily, with failure,and a resulting sense of sinfulness. We are not obliged to like anyone; but we are under a binding obligation to love everyone, love, or charity as theBible calls it, meaning a vivid sense of impersonal good will...

Everybody should practice general forgiveness every day as a matter of course. When you say your daily prayers, issue a general amnesty, forgiving everyone who may have injured you in any way, and on no account particularize. Simply say: “I freely forgive everyone.” Then in the course of the day, should the thought the thought of grievance or resentment comeup, bless the offender briefly and dismiss the thought.

This got me to re-thinking my outlook on forgiveness. I have had some crappy things done to me. I often dismissed some of them as a lack of understanding on the part of the transgressor, but realistically, they knew exactly what they were doing in most cases. One who comes immediately to mind is my past supervisor at work. I've wished nothing but disease and pestilence for her. I'm trying a new technique; I am going to forgive her, and whenever I think about all the bad things she did to me, I'll simply say a prayer for her, and dismiss the thought. I don't have to like her. That may have been one of my biggest hang-ups. She is not a very pleasant person, she was actually evil, but by not forgiving her, she continues to make me miserable. And that is just stupid. So, for today, I wish her no ill will. I hope I never encounter her again as long as I live, but if I do, then perhaps she will have changed into a decent human being.
I also need to forgive some family members. I truly believe that, to a degree, they did what they did out of ignorance. It is a pretty lame excuse, but that is not mine to decide. To move on, I simply need to forgive them. For today, it is done.
The most important person to forgive, and indeed the most difficult, is myself. I have made a number of mistakes in my life, and heaven knows I have paid for them in spades.
But it is time to move on. The self-flagellation must come to an end.
Sure, I screwed up, but I will forgive myself for today. I'm especially focusing on the liking myself part. I'm glad I don't have to do that today, because I sure as hell don't. Maybe in time, I'll start to grow on myself and win myself over.

By the way, the entire passage, along with some other very spiritual insights are available at http://emmetfox.wwwhubs.com/foxspks.htm

Time to update our calendar

Our current calendar is based upon both the ancient Roman's of the first century and Pope Gregory's adjustments from the 1500's.
It's time to update it, making it more in line with our modern day life. A few good options are available.
My first is to make every month 30 days long. What do we do with the extra 5 or, during leap year, 6 extra days? Simple. We add them on to December. I constantly hear that the Holidays are wonderful, but they are so short. Well, now the week between Christmas and New Year's is 12 or 13 days. Plenty of time to see family, or for those who like to use the Holidays to get away, enough time to visit both sets of relatives. And for the traditionalist, that stupid 12 days of Christmas song can be completed during the actual Holiday season. No more of that embarassing situation when one shows up unexpectedely on January 3 with 10 lords a leaping. These extra days may confuse Dick Clark at first, but at this point in his life, I think he basically is confused every day. As long as Ryan Seacrest shows up on December 35th, New Year's Eve will be rocking on schedule.
My second option is to go totally modern, and have a metric calendar.
10 days in a week. Sure, that will seem a little odd at first, but we will be able to adjust. Back when Pope Gregory switched over to the new calendar in the late 16th century, he just advanced the calendar forward almost 2 weeks in one day. Nothing catastrophic happened. To have these metric calendars, I have to eliminate 2 months and alter a third. Not really that hard to do. First, I'll eliminate September. That month traditionally is annoying anyway. Kids hate it because it is back to school month. Adults hate it because it symbolizes the end of the lazy days of summer. So, September is gone. April only has one pseudo-holiday, April Fools Day. This kind of a stupid day anyway, so no worries that we are losing a tradition that anyone really likes. Plus, April Fools day pisses me off for personal reasons. And April is a messed up month anyway. It's usually not that warm, and in the Northeast, we can have a surprise snowstorm. April is out of here.
For our short 5 day month, I propose we keep February. February is cold and dreary, so it is perfect that it be a short month. And it is chock full of Holidays like Washington's and Lincoln's Birthdays, Groundhog's Day, and Valentine's Day. For all intents and purposes, everyone can take off the entire month of February.

We have to add a few days into the week, though.
Since everybody really likes Fridays, we should have 2 of them.
What to name the other two?
One could simply be named Personalday, and it is part of the 4 day weekend. We all love personal days. And who doesn't appreciate it when a personal day is part of a long weekend?
I propose we sell the naming rights to the other one. It could change every few years. This year, it may be Viagraday, next year it could be Geicoday.
So here is my proposed week: Monday, Tuesday, Friday, Wednesday, Thursday, Traditional Friday, Personalday, Saturday, Viagraday, Sunday.
It works for me.

24-- A TV Sherpa's eye view

Tonight is another big episode of 24. I don't usually examine non-cable TV, but I am just so jazzed about 24. I'm not sure what year (season, day?) it is on (maybe the 4th?) and it may seem old hat. Jack saves the world. Then Jack saves the world again, then, next season, Jack saves the world. What is he going to do this year? Early guess is that he is going to save the world somehow. And, every year he either gets killed, or comes close to it. He has fought terrorists, the Chinese government, drug runners, and even more terrorists funded by the Russian Communists. He has been attacked by various assassins and hit squads, yet Jack always manages to escape. I don't know how they do it, but the writers manage to keep the show exciting for me. Just when I think nothing new can happen, bam! a whole new direction opens up. Jack's family, his brother and father, are now part of the plot. And Jack opened up a fresh can of whoopass on his brother to get him to talk. Jack even killed one of his best friends during one episode. Jack can fly helicopters and planes, and he is skilled in every weapon along with the ability to disarm every bomb he has ever encountered. Ok, once he had a dirty bomb that he couldn't disarm, so he took it on a small plane and was willing to sacrifice himself by flying into an unpopulated area and exploding it so now one else got hurt. Jack has seen his wife killed, and any women who come into his life are quickly made into targets, so he is a loner.Jack has neither eaten nor gone to the bathroom in any 24 hour period! That is a man focused on his mission.When he calls the President, he gets right through. So far, 24 has assassinated one president and is preparing to off another. They have impeached and removed from office a third president. Intrigue and dirty dealing all around all the way up to the White House and beyond.
Jack has been an enemy of the state, a captive of the Chinese government, and a hero to us all.24 is one of my favorite shows of all time. It is exciting and unusually unpredicatable.I rate it 9.837

World Championship Fishing Shows

I just typed what was probably the most fantastic blog entry ever. I fully expected it to result in a 3 book deal, an appearance on Letterman, and possibly an HBO movie. Unfortunately, I hit some stupid button on my computer, and it disappearred into wherever that stuff goes. Sort of the cyber ether, I guess. Instead of having the opportunity to read what would have been a truly classic blog post, an actual life-altering experience, I'm left with this claptrap for your perusal.
I will now don my garb as the TV Sherpa, and proceed:
Usually, fishing shows are pretty low rated with me. They are perfect for when I wake up early Sunday morning and the only other choices are either infommercials or preachers. I do like some preachers like Joel Osteen and pastor Ted. Most of the rest seem to be too phoney and always looking for cash. And infommercials? How many times do I need to learn about some ladder? I get it. I'm only 6 feet tall, can probably reach to about 8 feet, and sometimes I need to get to places higher than that. Do I need a half-hour show to explain the advantages of such a tool?
As stated previously, most fishing shows are basically dreck. In almost any other time slot, I would only view them during commercials while watching a much better show. But Sunday mornings, they are basically the only show in town. Today, however was the undisputed king of all fishing shows. It is the Citgo Bassmasters Tournament, or some such equally pompous title. I am really into this.

I have my favorite fisherman, Mike Iaconelli (Ike.) Ike is just a maniac, and yes, he is an Italian-American from Jersey. Extreme bass fishing seems to be an oxymoron, but Ike does kick it up to notches unknown in bass fishing. I've seen him screaming at fish, other fisherman, and just in general. I wasn't sure why, but they showed a clip of him jumping in the water after a fish. It's just Ike being Ike, I guess.
The weird part of me enjoying fishing shows is that I don't like fishing. I don't like fish or to eat fish. I don't like the outdoors. I don't like looking at guys butt cracks while they are fishing.
This must be one of the many things that make me the bizarre dude that I am.


I rate the Citgo Tournament 4.

Peeling Onions Part 4

In a continuing series of crap that comprises my inner most being, I thought I would write about why I am so angry. Yeah, I know nearly everything that has happened in my life has turned me into a bitter, middle-aged guy, but I thought I would explore it a little deeper today.
I was looking at a picture of me as a kid. I was maybe 4 in the photo, and I had a look that sort of was happy and hopeful.

What the hell happened?

Was there one event that turned me from a happy kid, looking to a future filled with promise into a cranky coot just hanging around and waiting to die? I did have the one bad summer as previously described, but it takes more than one bad summer to create a train wreck of a life.
No, it wasn't one event, but instead it was a series of things that turned me into the mess that is banging away on the keyboard today. I know that self-esteem is one of the buzzwords when one talks of raising children. It seems that so many parents go the other way. Johnny poops, and it becomes just short of a Mardi Gras festival.
I sure didn't grow up in this environment. Looking back on it, it appears that I disappointed my parents on a regular basis. At least that is the way they acted. If I took a test and got a 99, well, why didn't I work a bit harder and get that 100? If my report card was 6 A's and a B, well, what the hell happened? Your cousin got all A's.
When I graduated from grammar school, I was 2nd in the class of about 30. No too shabby. WRONG. I was told that I embarassed the family. How could I do such a thing. As I type this, it hurts again. Thinking about it, I should have come to the realization that my parents were jerks at times, and this was one of those times.
Instead, I did something different. In my young mind, I made a decision. I wasn't even going to try any more. I was going to do just enough to get by. Since I went to a private school that was very highly rated, and very competitive, I was going to aim for a B. It was second best, and good enough. I knew that most likely, I couldn't be first (250 or so guys in my class) so I decided, hell with it. I would do enough to make it look like I was trying, but not so much that I would aim for the top and fail. Everybody accepted that I was just so-so, I got my B's and all was well. I didn't really have to work hard to get the B's so that was fine with me, too. No hard work, and no parental guilt. A win-win situation all around.
This is kind of funny. I was not one of the top students, and we all took the SAT's. The teacher went around the room and everyone said their score. I was in the slacker group, but I killed on the SAT test. It was around 1200 total (back then, this was definately in the elite catagory.)
One of the guys in my class got so pissed. He said that I was lying, because there was no way I scored higher than him. I told him I guess I was just smarter than him. He didn't like that at all. But it did make me laugh. The guy started getting angry, so the teacher made me show him my test scores (even he didn't believe it.)
Anyway, most of the guys were going to take it again, so I did too. They got even more pissed because while nearly everyone's scores went up, mine went up even more. I thought the guy's head was going to explode, then. His final words to me were along the lines that I must be a good guesser because I was obviously his intellectual inferior. Or did he say I was a friggin moron? I don't remember exactly.
Back to the slacker period in my life. Because I was so afraid of failure (failure being anything but the best) it made me not try. I was a perfectionist. This is kind of funny, but I have since learned that perfectionists are among the least perfect people. Rather than fail (that is, not be perfect) we don't even try. When I do something, it is usually perfect (at least in my demented mind) or I don't do it at all. Talk about a crippling feeling. This is worse than any of the crippling diseases I have since been afflicted with. In fact, looking back on the diseases, most are lifestyle ones. And because I couldn't eat or exercise perfectly, I didn't do it. Good enough just was not an option.
I'm so beat from writing this, that for today, I'll settle for "good enough."

Progress, not perfection.

I'm So Bored

While I am recovering from last month's operation, I have gotten very little done. Ok, I joined MySpace, and I have been blogging. Not exactly making me eligible for a lifetime achievement award. I also hang out at Nedthetoothpick.com. Again, it is fun, but I'm getting pretty bored with that, too.
Lately, I have been thinking about my two lives. Or would it be lifes? Either way, I have a real life (RL or RW depending on which nomenclature one prefers) and a cyber life. Both are equally real to me. And that may or may not be a problem depending on what particular point of view one takes. I know of some people who refer to cyber friends as "pretend" friends. If one can't touch them or see them, then they don't exist. That is not exactly true, because I believe in a lot of things I can't see or feel. I believe in oxygen, and I believe in qualities such as love and hatred. Ok, cyber friends are real friends. I can count on them to cheer me up, or help me through rough times. Anything a RL friend can do, almost, a cyber friend can.

So where is this essayette going?

I have no idea. I'm just so friggin bored. I'm just thinking of concepts. One that really interests me is reality. Deepak Chopra said that we each have our own reality. My reality, that is, the way I view things is based solely upon my personal values, my education, my history, and of course, my concept of things as they are and should be. Maybe I've been listening to a lot of 70's music lately. That has me thinking in such conceptual fashion. Maybe I'm just so damned bored that nothing is interesting to me. I don't even feel like taking on the mantle of TV sherpa today. And, most surprising of all, I have not turned on the TV other than to watch the news this morning.

I feel like I want to make a major change in my life. It is frustrating because I couldn't if I wanted to do so. Add to that I have no idea what I even want to do, and the frustration increases exponentially. I don't know how to get to where I want to go, because I have no idea where I even want to go. It's tough to draw a map when one doesn't know the destination. I spoke to someone on the phone today, and he told me his goals. And I was so jealous. I would love to have a goal. Yeah, I know, getting healthy is a great goal for me. Losing weight would be another. But these are not satisfying to me. I don't even know why or why not. I just know that they don't do it for me. Not today.

I'd like to think that if I just took a break from everything, I could come back refreshed. But how can I take a break from doing nothing?

My head hurts as my blood pressure is hitting record highs. I have no idea why. I fully expect my brain to explode and to have blood spurt out of my ears. Cool visual, but it would probably hurt a lot.

Oh well, back to my incredibly boring existence. *heavy sigh*

I love Commercials, Too

I've mentioned in the past that I do like commercials. Part of it may be due to my short attention span. But I like to think part of it also is because I can appreciate the creativity that goes into a 30 or 60 second spot, an entertainment vignette, if you will.
I saw a commercial this morning that had what may be the funniest tagline ever. It was for a home pregnancy test, and the tag was, and I am paraphasing, "The most advanced equipment that you can pee on." I may have to see this commercial again to get the tag exact, but they definately mentioned "pee on." That is pretty darn funny to me.
I also really enjoy the Geico commercials with the cavemen. The Gecko is a good spokesman, but the cavemen really crack me up. I wonder if any other company ever used such a diverse advertising campaign running concurrently? Usually, one ends and another begins, but not with Geico. I can see cavemen, and in the next commercial, a gecko. The newest caveman commercial has them at a party. They discuss why one has gone to Geico and therefore shows no loyalty to his fellow cavemen. Pretty funny. I also like that the cavemen are, for lack of a better term, metrosexuals.
My favorite commercial right now, though, may be the WaMu bank ones. The series uses a "Bankers Pen," a think tank as it were of bankers. They travel, well, in a pen as a group. They may all be in the hospital, or at a pool, or wherever. They are all in the pen, though. The latest has them on top of a building threatening mass suicide unless WaMu eliminates their free checking. A funny concept, and the little commercials are well written.
I'll may be back later.

I have a lot of TV to watch today.

Spring Training Report

While winter continues to freeze pipes in Dowtown New Jersey, my New York Yankees are in sunny Florida preparing to take on the pretenders to the throne that is rightfully theirs.
I just read some news about our knights in pinstripes, and I feel really good about the upcoming season.
Carl Pavano, who has not pitched since June 2005, is finally looking to make his triumphant return to the mound. According to coach Ron Guidry (who I met a few years ago) "He's in real good shape, he's in a real good frame of mind, and that's a plus." Pavano is throwing his slider, and looks to be on the track to finally taking his place in the rotation.
meanwhile, Kei Igawa is experiencing a little bit of culture shock. New York isn't exactly like Japan. But he has a good attitude and is learning English so he can communicate easily with his teammates.
Moose is looking good. He is in the twilight of his career, but he wants to go out with a winning team, and really wants to get his ring this year, along with a 20 win season. He has come close a few times, notching 19 with the Birds twice and 18 with the Bombers twice. With the lineup he has behind him this year, he has a chance, He just has to stay healthy.
But there is some bad news on the front. Bernie is not in camp. And, the team is offering a minor league contract. What the hell is up with that? They spend money like drunken sailors, and here, one of the true gentlemen in the game, a guy who ranks as one of the greatest Yankees of all-time, they are going the cheap route. It makes no sense. The guy is a fan favorite. He needs to end his career where he started, with the Yankees.
For most of his career he has been the number 2 centerfielder in the AL, just a few clicks behind Junior. Bernie may be on the fence as far as the HoF, but he is pretty close.
A .297 lifetime average, nearly 300 homeruns, and 450 doubles to go along with his 4 rings puts Bernie in elite company. It's time for George to step in and pay the man.

I'm in a Weird Mood Today

I just can't seem to get focused. My mind is racing like I'm on a mental Autobahn and I'm doing about 175 MPH. And the road is all turns.
Focus, big guy, focus. I don't want to turn this entry into a Larry King-like series of non-sequiters. Ok, who have I talked to lately that gave me tremendous insight?
I exchanged e-mails yesterday with a friend who is a fan of my rambling thoughts and all around superfluous scribblings. She said that a lot of what I have written has mirrored much of her life. Not that she was hospitalized and getting wedgies, but the more serious stuff. This made me really feel good. Not that she personally also had to endure pain and anguish, but that others do. Sometimes it is easy to get lost in my personal "stuff" so much so that I often fail to realize that it is a big world, and many are going through trials and tribulations just as I am. Maybe they don't get the medical wedgies, but they do have other mountains to climb. While some mountains may be physical, and others mental, they can all be just as steep.
If I think that I can't do something, then I can't do it.
Yesterday, I was watching Oprah (my testosterone levels have gone down a bit with age) and her guest said something profound. He said that trying is failure with dignity. If I say I'll try to do something, and fail, it's ok, because I at least tried. And the focus in on the positive in that a failure who didn't try is worse than one who did.
But the results are the same.
So, rather than take the try and fail route, I guess I have to take the try and then try again method. A positive mental outlook usually pisses me off, so this may be more difficult than I thought.

Peeling Onions Part 3

I've been doing a lot of thinking and talking to friends lately about that bad summer. It all comes down to support. I know that so many of us, particularly men, have it deeply ingrained that we are independent and strong. When I was younger, I was pretty strong physically, and felt that I needed to be so mentally as well. I had never been given support as a child, and never realized it was missing. That make many others strong and independent. It made me weak and afraid of failure. I guess I do usually do the opposite of what I should. One buddy of mine tells me I should use the Costanza method. Remember George from Seinfeld? As soon as he started doing the opposite of what he thought he should do, things went his way.
Whatever I think, just do the opposite. Not such a bad idea, considering how things usually work out for me.
Back to that bad summer. I was getting ready to enter college and I was scared. I had absolutely no reason to fear the academics because I was pretty smart, if I do say so myself. But the fear was put in me by my father. I was warned that I better not fail. I would make him look bad, and that was punishable by, who knows, maybe death, dismemberment, castration? I sure as hell did not want to find out. I chose my career path based upon one high school class elective. I realized that I was going to hate that career. So, I was stuck. I had to either follow through with something that would make me miserable (and be a failure) or to drop out. I chose the path of least resistance. And from that point onward, my life continued to go out of control. I had trouble having healthy relationships with the opposite sex because I was so messed up myself. I really can't get into that aspect of my life today, because it is too overwhelming. Just one part of the onion that ain't getting peeled for a while.
Another friend (bear in mind, anyone who talks to me eventually may wind up in this blog, albeit anonymously) recently told me that she was surprised at the courage I have to put this crap out here. I don't know if it courage or not. I just figure my life is such a train wreck, it can't get any worse. And keeping it bottled up is just making me more mentally sick. So, basically, everyone reading this is providing me therapuetic counseling. I feel like I owe you all something. My thanks is all you'll get, though.
Unless you take Paypal.

I just need to write

I'm not sure why, but some days I just need to write. I don't always know what is going to come out. Sometimes I start with an agenda, sometimes not. I may just talk to a friend, or have myself stimulated in some other way (that sounds dirty, but it isn't.) I just like to write.
I rarely go to the movies. I have a very short attention span, and I really have a difficult time focusing for 90-120 minutes. If a movie is really, really interesting to me, I can get through it, but I have fallen asleep in theaters many times. When I watch movies at home, I usually fall asleep, too, but at least it doesn't cost 10 bucks. That's why when I discuss a movie with someone, I either don't know how they ended, or I missed a big part of the plot. If I like a movie, I watch it numerous times, and I eventually do get to see every part.
One exception, of course are really funny comedies. Two from last year, which are actually the only two movies I have seen in a theater in the last few years, were Borat and Clerks 2 (twice.) A good friend of mine loaned me his DVD player and I will return it to him when I can walk well enough. But, in the meantime, I am enjoying watching Clerks and Clerks 2 about once a week each. Is there such a thing as the "Tao of Silent Bob?"
I'm more a sitcom guy. Give me 22 minutes of solid entertainment in a 30 minute block, and I'm one happy dude. I like the commercial breaks. They give me a chance to, I don't know exactly what I do, but I like the little break. And a well crafted commercial, is like a bonus. It is like an extra bit of entertainment, kind of like when you get that toy with your Happy Meal. I even look forward to certain ones. Right now, the Taco Bell lions crack me up. And, of course, the Geico Cave Men are hysterical, even if they have been on a few times too many. One series of commercials that irritate me are the cable ones. Ok, I'm watching cable TV, do I really need a commercial for cable TV while I'm using the product? And worse, I'm paying to watch TV, which means I'm paying to watch a commercial encouraging me to kepp paying to watch the commercial?
By the way, Reno 911, one of my favorite shows, is now a movie. I doubt I'll go to see it, even though it looks really funny. It will probably be on some movie channel in less than a year, so I can wait it out. It takes a lot for me to get my butt out to a movie.

Peeling Onions, part 2

When I get depressed, I do one of two things; I either hide out and ignore everything, or I write like a man possessed. Right now, I'm in the writing phase. This is actually good, because that usually gets me out of my funk.
It's funny how I'll see something and that will just inspire me to start writing. I was on my favorite chatboard, and one thread asked "If You Could Change One Thing..." and I thought, Holy Friggin crap!.-- how can I just change one thing? I've made so many wrong turns in my life that one would think that by now, I would be going in the right direction. Even 3 left turns make a right, so how many wrong turns do I have to make?
And what was that one wrong turn I made that first set me on the path to disaster? I don't know why it is important, but I needed to know. I spent some time in therapy, and even more in self-help groups, and I still never determined what the hell happened.
I have joked with friends about "One Bad Summer" as the point that set me on the downslide. It really is true. I was in pretty good shape physically. I wasn't an athlete, but I was far from the doughy lump of flesh that I am today. I could bench a few hundred pounds, and play a decent game of tennis. I had an ok summer job, and looked forward to the future.
And then it happened. That bad summer. I don't even know how or why, but I became totally overwhelmed with everything. For the first time in my life, I was afraid. I had never experienced fear before.
I used to drive my car like a maniac. The speed limit on my street was 25, and I routinely drove 100 MPH on it late at night. I had no fear of an accident.
I worked late at night in neighborhoods where I was taking my life into my hands. Not afraid. I just did it.
I had some jerk stalk me along with his friends with malicious intentions. Nope, didn't bother me. In fact, I actually went after him one day.
So, what was this terrible fear?
I was afraid of failure. I was going into college, and I was afraid that I couldn't cut it. I had nothing to base this on, as I did ok in a very competitive high school, and scored very well on the SAT's. In fact, I had succeeded at nearly everything I ever tried. Apparently, all the crap that had been dumped on me all my life just welled up and poured out as fear.
My father was about the least supportive person I ever could imagine, and yet, I had this inate desire to please him. The one person I should have ignored, I gave so much power to. And here I am, these so many years later, continuing to do so.
I'm not sure how to get out of this, but I do feel energized that now, I can see where I made a wrong turn (followed by dozens of others.) It is said that if a man has knowledge, he has power. I believe that I now have the power to make changes. I just hope that I have the courage and conviction to follow through.

Forgiveness

I have read many times that the reason we often get stuck in life is that we can't forgive those who have hurt us in the past. After all, the one who hurt us either isn't aware, or doesn't care about it, so why give them the power to control us?
This makes sense, and I try to forgive those from my past.
Just today, I started to forgive an ex-boss. It started out like this:
Marie, I forgive you.

But then it quickly became:
Marie, I forgive you even though you are a worthless miserable piece of excrement and I hope that you are dead by now, so that you are deep within the bowels of hell. You made me feel awful on a daily basis and partly because of your evil nature, my life sucks. I hope nothing good ever happens to you or anyone in your family or anyone in your life. May you suffer 10 times what I did for 10 times as long.

I think I need to work on my forgiveness skills a bit more.

Pitchers and catchers, please report to Legends Field

Today my beloved Yankees are preparing to fire the opening salvo in their assault on the National Championship. Pitchers and catchers are due in Legends Field. I sit here in the utter gray-ness of a New Jersey winter, looking out my window at the bleak surroundings. But, I do not despair because even at this very moment, the boys of summer are in Florida making preparations to return the championship trophy back to where it belongs, back to the House That Ruth Built. The absolute Mecca of major league baseball, Yankees Stadium in The South Bronx.
I'm pretty excited about this. Easy to tell, huh?
The Yankees have been the one constant in my life. From the first game I attended back in the days of Mantle and Maris, through the dissapointments of the 60's and early 70's (Michael to Clark to Cater--double play!!) right through to the monster teams of the late 90's led by Jeter and company, I have always looked at spring not as a renewal of the earth, but as a renewal of baseball, as a renewal of life itself.
My best times were spent either watching the Yankees, or talking about the Yankees, or reading about the Yankees, or...this could go on for a while, so I'll just stop here. I belong to the Official Yankees Fan Club, I have stickers and flags on my vehicles, anywhere you turn, there is some Yankees related icon in my home. I'm wearing a Yankees shirt while I type this.
I have a statue of St. Thurman Munson that I look at every day. As soon as I can, I'm packing it and sending it to a friend who is going to give it a good home. I'm just afraid that if something happens to me, the statue will wind up at a yard sale and be sold for a quarter. Kind of sad to think that one of my favorite things will be just penny ante trash to others.
Maybe that's why I have been so melancholy lately. No sports to take my mind off my incredibly dull existence. The stupid Giants had a mediocre season that ended too soon. The Super Bowl is done and gone. Basketball and hockey? Bleeeeh.
But today, pitchers and catchers report.

Today is the beginning. Today is the rebirth.
Today is the first day of 2007.