Thankfully, the week is almost over

This has been a week when everything in the Universe has decided to mess with me.
It started with my crappy Quiznos turkey sub, and Quiznos attempt to marginalize me.

Just like my first college girlfriend, they won't return my calls. But I will be stepping up my campaign early next week. I demand satisfaction, dammit.

Then, I ordered a piece of medical equipment from an Ebay powerseller. It was wrong, either boxed incorrectly, or the seller sent the wrong piece. Either way, I am still without it. Naturally, I sent a few emails, and he now is ignoring them. Fortunately, I paid with Paypal, so I just will have to file a complant and I'll get my money back. Still, the annoyance factor will be high as I have to return the rather large item, and as of today, I don't have his address either. I swear it's a friggin conspiracy.


Then, about a week ago, the Spawn mailed out the chocolate to everyone. It went Priority, because I didn't want it to take too long.


I thought Priority meant something to be done first. The fact that it said two days, also led me to believe it would take, oh, I don't know, 2 days.
It turns out that to the fine folks at the United States Postal Office "Priority" really means "Eventually" and 2 days also means "Eventually." Live and learn.

By now, everyone except my winner from Canada and the winner who contacted me late should have their chocolate. If not, please let me know as soon as possible. My email address is on the sidebar.

Quasi-Important Notice:

And it's back. Just when you thought elections were over for a few years, Humorbloggers is having a redo on the Humorblogger of the Year contest. This is like the primary, and each blogger is listed in a catagory. Then all the winning catagory bloggers will be thrown into the Burning Circle of Death Final Vote and will be crowned Humorblogger of the Year. Or not. The huge icon on the left will direct you to the site where you can vote for me under "Personal Life Humorblogger." Your vote won't get me my sub, medical equipment, or your chocolate, but it will make me feel better, and that's pretty darned important.

BTW, I've already voted for you for Humorblog Reader of the Year.



http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Caption This Wednesday

Huge prizes. 500 Entrecard credits and the usual world wide fame. Good luck.



www.humorbloggers.com

Two for Tuesday

Welcome to another two for Tuesday, but, as usual, you will get so much more.

To begin, I would like to thank all the veterans who have given so much in service to my country.



It's funny, but we often overlook the fact that the families serve, too. I appreciate their service. Thank you for all your sacrifices.

Now on to the usual shenanigans:

Quizno's has ignored me. They are trying to marginalize me and my crappy turkey sandwich. I can assure you, this is not over yet. I'm pretty

And I will continue to ignore Greenland. And to further insult Greenland I will refuse to conquer it when I play Risk with my nephew. Or maybe I should completely conquer it. I'm not sure which is more insulting. Let me know what you think.

I have selected 2 blogs to highlight this week that are very special.

One is the All Arkie Army blog http://allarkiearmy.blogspot.com/
This blog is a compilation from various writers with connections to the Natural State. Now, I'll admit I have another reason for nominating this blog. Once a month, they bestow the honorary title of Captain on deserving bloggers. This is the equivalent of the Kentucky Colonel title and darn it, I want one. When I finally get those misguided individuals from Quizno's on the phone, I want to introduce myself as Captain Crotchety. I can imagine them quaking in their boots when they realize that they are messing with a person of such influence and with a prestigeous title like that. My connection to Arkansas is pretty limited. I'm from NJ. About all I have going is that my Grandfather used to vacation in Arkansas. So, you can see my position is tenuous, at best.

The second blog I'd lke to highlight is Kitchen Table Medicine. http://www.kitchentablemedicine.com/

I usually try to highlight a blog that is newer and doesn't get a lot of attention. But I'm making an exception for Doc Nicole mainly because she has changed her blog a lot and is turning it into a truly interactive tool for those who would lke to get healthy using, well, things we eat. She has assembled a team of experts and is building a library, so to speak of various journal entries on many many topics. Also, in the very near future, Doc is conducting aninterview with an expert in the field of living unhealthy. She found someone who has had nearly every disease known to man, and still manages to blog every day. My His interview will be soon. I'll let you know when it appears.

Stop by tomorrow for the weekly "Caption This"

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

First Greenland, and now Quizno's

I reached out to Greenland in friendship, and they slapped my hand away. I'm done with them. They don't want to visit my blog--fine. Be that way.

I have a new mission. I am determined to get reparations from Quizno's. I was wronged, and I demand satisfaction.

I guess you could say



This Means War!!!!!

What, you may ponder, has turned me from my usual slightly crotchety self into a seething mass of anger and day old chicken lips?

Quiznos. Grrrrrr.

Last week, the Crotchety Old Lady decided to stop at Quiznos to pick up lunch for us. Yes, the home of the "more meat" subs. That was their advertising for years.

I chose the turkey, and she went with a salad because she likes to watch her girlish figure.

I only wanted tomatoes on mine, so it should have been no problem.

I received a sandwich whose filling could be called, at best, turkeyish. Couple that with a few paper thin slices of tomato, and you had my lunch. Ok, it was cheap, as they are trying to compete with the Eat Fresh folks at Subway. But the only way they could have given me less meat would have been to just rub turkey on the bread.

"More meat?" Than what, a bread and mayo sandwich? I guess it had more than that. But barely. And now, I'm just slightly annoyed rather than my usual mellow self. Stop snickering.

Anyway, the Mrs. gave me the receipt and asked me to call Quizno's and register a complaint as the check has a phone number right on it to speak to a friendly Quizno's customer service rep to let them know "How we are doing."

It also offered a website, but I know those things are annoying, especially since I was in the mood to yell, and typing really hard doesn't matter.

I dialed the number, and it said I had to dial a different number. Usually during these messages, I get distracted by something shiny and just robotically dial the number to get the super secret Quizno's number to complain. But today, I was on top of my game, so I heard the entire message. It costs $5.49 to get the super secret number.

So, in essence, it would cost more to complain about my crappy sub than the crappy sub cost to begin with.

I then went the online route, and took about 10 minutes to tell them about the crappy sub that took less than 10 minutes to eat. And because they slyly word the responses by the end I was nearly apologizing to Quizno's for their mediocre sandwich. Bastages.

I left my number and asked to be called back. I'm going to demand full reparations. I want a free sandwich for all my readers, a full apology, and



I'm watching you Quizno's.

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

This is just stupid

Ok, the election is over. Plenty of people were unhappy with the results. Of course, it appears that no one voted for McCain because nearly every blogger I read sounds like they didn't. Must be the quietest 48% ever heard.

Anyway, it is time to move on.

I was really disturbed to read that in Warren NJ, some idiot tore down a home made Obama sign and burned it apparently in the shape of a cross. WTH is wrong with someone to do something like that? I can understand the anger associated with this election, but there still is no excuse for such behavior under any circumstances. It just reinforces the negative stereotypes that have been put forth in recent weeks.

We, as Americans, are better than this. We need to work together.

I found this classic post card online. It harkens back to a simpler time.




www.humorbloggers.com

Untitled Post

While scanning the internetz for interesting new stories, I found this tidbit:

Would-be cleaners take note: A blowtorch is not a good substitute for a broom. Coweta County authorities said Galen Winchell set fire to his west Georgia home Wednesday as he cleaned cobwebs from exterior eaves with a blowtorch. Winchell noticed the blaze when he saw smoke pouring from the attic.

I have spent quite a few years explaining to the Crotchety Old Lady why I should not do household chores. I would like to thank Mr. Winchell for strengthening my case.

I'm not what one would call particularly handy around the house. If it were not for my sparkling personality and rapier wit, the Mrs. would have sent me packing long ago. That, plus I make a mean pasta dinner.



Official 100% True (you can look it up)
Greenland Fact of the Day

fish and fish products 94% (prawns 63%) (2001 est.)

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Caption Winners and Important Update for Chocolate winners

I'll do the update first. All the chocolate was sent out Priority mail by Monday afternoon. It should arrive today at the latest. If you don't have it by today, please send me a note using my email on the sidebar. If you get a chance, I'd appreciate knowing that it was received, too, just so I can stop calling the Spawn every day and going over the list again. I had every winner's address except one. I will contact that lucky winner seperately, as she is rather busy being a Soccer Mom and all that. Notice I respect her privacy because we know how those blonde Pimped out Soccer Mom's can get. One international parcel came back, so it is going back out as apparently the Spawn mixed up a digit in the address.

Now, on to the contest.


The missus wanted a red convertible.. so I got 'er one.
by Chica X

She is the winner of the prestigious



Chica received the most first place votes, but LL, Carrie, The Hawg and Shadow also scored first place votes. Multiple points were also tallied by Kirsten, Offended, Matt, Fly, Mike, Marvel Goose, Dad the Dude, and Tahtimbo.

LL came in second, and The Hawg was third.

Thank you to everyone for participating. The judges did complain and stated they were very sad anytime anyone made fun of me. They were truly hurt. (Ed. Note: Not really. They like when you make fun of Crotchety)

Official 100% True (you can look it up)
Greenland Fact of the Day
Greenland is divided into four time zones

www.humorbloggers.com

Things I wonder about

Everyone knows I don't always think like the rest of youse.

For example, I just saw a commercial where they stated that 85% of people suffer with hemorhoids. Do the rest just enjoy them? Those are the types of things that I ponder.
Yes, I have a lot of free time think deep thoughts.

And that reminded me of my colonoscopy I had about a year or so ago. They had no idea what was wrong with me, I kept throwing up. So, one of the doctors got the idea to shove a camera attached to a 50 foot long cable up my butt. I would really like to know how they came up with that. I am far from an expert in the workings of the human body, but oy. Can you imagine that meeting?

Dr 1. Crotchety keeps throwing up.
Dr. 2. Did you give him any type of medicine?
Dr 1. Yes, and he just kept throwing up.
Dr 2. How about a blood transfusion?
Dr 1. Done. And he still keeps throwing up.
Dr 2. Hmmm. How much insurance does he have left?
Dr 1. 2 days.
Dr 2. Hmmm
Dr 1. Hmmm
Dr 2. Is that a new Nikon you have there?
Dr 1. Why yes it is, right next to the 50' spool of cable.
Dr 2. Let's put it up his butt and take pictures.
Dr 1. Ha ha ha.

The doctors did not find anything, I stopped throwing up, but I did have a really unusual Christmas card to send out that year.



Official 100% True (you can look it up)
Greenland Fact of the Day

Country Name
conventional short form: Greenland

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Caption this for craptacular prizes

Official 100% True (you can look it up)
Greenland Fact of the Day
The world's largest island, it is about 81% ice-capped


http://www.humorbloggers.com/
Please vote in this week's poll (or don't)

Two for Tuesday

First, I'd like to say I hope everyone is going to vote today. Just once, please. Vote for whomever you think will do the best job, I just hope your decision is based on who you think will do the best job, not based upon anything else. Most regulars know who I'm supporting, and that's not important since I doubt anyone will change a vote based upon me.

On to the important stuff.

Today is Two for Tuesday, and I thought I'd like to share a few of the many blogs I read. On average, I click on a few hundred blogs a day, and I read all of them. Since many are not updated every day, I can skim over a lot, so I don't read all 250 every day, but probably read at least 100 per day. Yeah, I have no life.

Anyway, here is one I have been reading lately is Kirsten of Suburban Psychosis http://suburbanpsychosis.blogspot.com/ While her posts lately have been political in nature (like that's unusual. I'm probably 2 political blog posts away from ) Her posts are very well written, and showcase her great sense of humor. She did recently tag me, but I'm sure she'll understand that I've been tagged more than the worst guy in Fight Club, so I'll pass. I do appreciate the recognition, though.
And the next blog I want to highlight is one that is becoming a real favorite for me. Eve of That's Funny Because. http://www.thatsfunnybecause.blogspot.com/ Eve has created her own unusual world, and shares stories from it with a bit of homespun country fried humor.
I hope everyone takes a minute to check these out. I'm sure you'll enjoy them as much as I do.

Don't forget, tomorrow is the caption contest. I hope to see you then.

Official 100% True (you can look it up)
Greenland Fact of the Day
Literacy rate 100%
I guess when you have 1 TV channel, and nothing to do but hunt seals, may as well read a book


http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Taking a trip down memory lane

I was reading my Arkie Army buddy's blog post http://naturalhawg.blogspot.com/2008/11/where-heck-is-my-boysenberry-syrup.html in which The Hawg is campaigning to have IHOP bring back boysenberry syrup and it got me to thinking about the homogenization of America. Our foods are becoming more standardized, and we are losing a lot. It is starting to remind me of a situation with kids who eat the same bland diet and refuse to try the new and different.
My town, which is physically fairly large (about 25 square miles or so) has 5 (five)McDonald's Restaurants (yeah, I know, it's a stretch calling them a restaurant, but we need to call them something.) I live in what is technically known as a megalopolis, that is our towns are not like one sees in other parts of the country. The towns are right next to one another, and I can assure you the nearby towns also have MickeyD's. Within 20 minutes or so of my home are another 3 or 4 at least.
I can't even count how many Domino's Pizza shops are in the area, and Subways are everywhere.
Does anyone really think this food is any good? I'll admit that a dollar cheeseburger from MickeyD's tastes ok,and even Domino's pizza for 5 bucks is a pretty good value. But I really wonder what is happening to everyone's tastes when they believe this mediocre stuff is good.
Growing up, on Sunday morning, we went to the Italian bakery, the one that only baked bread, and bought a fresh, still warm, loaf of crispy Italian style twist bread. It wasn't baked in a large factory, somewhere hundreds of miles away, and then set on the store shelf for days. Mr. LaCorte baked it that morning, and one of his daughters sold it to me. The sausage for dinner came from a local butcher. It wasn't made a week ago, and wrapped in plastic and frozen or stored for weeks on end. It was made either the day I bought it, or the one before at worst. And pizza came from Mr. Caffaro. He baked it in a brick oven that was part of the pizzaria's building that was probably 50+ years old. These products were unique to my Italian neighborhood, and nothing exactly like it was available anywhere else. But that was a good thing. When a friend or family member visited from a different part of the country, they were treated to something unique. When we visited them, the favor was returned with something unique from their region. As foods, and America itself, has become homogenized, and our unique qualities disappear. And that stinks.
They say that our strongest memories are associated with food and smells. I'm sure you have heard your elderly relatives talk about a favorite dish from childhood. They will tell you they can still taste it, or smell Grandma's house when she made it or the smell of the bakery where they bought a favorite food.
Do you think kids today will have pleasant memories of the smell of Shop Rite? Will they sigh and think about the taste of Cheesy bread or MickeyD's fries?

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Official 100% True (you can look it up)
Greenland Fact of the Day
Television broadcast stations 1

Crotchety Haiku

Getting in touch with my inner poet

They keep the funny

At Humorbloggers dot com

Laughing is good

OK, wth is the deal with haiku? It's just the work of damn lazy poets. I've never read or written a haiku that didn't suck. Nothing rhymes, nothing cool about it. 5 syllables, then 7, then 5?

Is it poetry or is it math? The person reading it has to do all the damn work. What was the "poet" thinking? What did he mean?

Give me some Joyce Kilmer. He wrote about friggin trees. The poem was called Trees. It was about trees. He mentioned trees a bunch of times. It was said he sat under a tree when he wrote it.

I grew up on Joyce Kilmer Avenue, so I know more about him than most people and even went a few times to see the tree he sat under to write the poem. Hey, you probably didn't even know Joyce was a dude.

Now, e.e. cummings, that guy could write a poem. It may not have rhymed but he put some effort into it. Imagery, words. Ferlinghetti, one of the Beat Generation poets, showed creativity.

But the Japanese just miniaturized everything, even poems. We need to Americanize haiku. Make it better. Supersize it.

Forget the 5-7-5 rules.

Free wheel it. Make it friggin rhyme, and put at least 20 or 30 words per stanza.

Bunch of stanzas. Make it so I understand wth is going on.

Thanks for stopping by
It makes me so darn happy
When you read this blog

Official 100% True (you can look it up)
Greenland Fact of the Day
Population ethnicity: Greenlander 88%
That was pretty obvious

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

The Birthday Offensive

I rarely write offensive posts, but today I am writing one in honor of the Humorbloggers.com Cabal Leader because today, believe it or not, is Chelle's birthday.

Yeah, I know what you are thinking: Today, All Saint's Day, one of the holiest of holy days, is also Chelle's birthday. Doesn't seem possible. Maybe if she was born on the day of Matthew, Mark, Luke or John, the original Offended Bloggers, well, that's logical. But All Saint's Day?

Anyway, I decided to find out more about her. It seems she is sort of an "International Woman of Mystery."

OK, more an Idaho Woman of Mystery.

After checking several sources, I found out her real name is, are you ready, and don't tell her I told you, Michelle. I swear. Chelle, it seems, is just her nom d'plume, which is a fancy French way of saying "name to use when in a bunker during Armageddon."

Speaking of this, she is fully prepared for any sort of apocolyptic showdown with Jihadists in her sporty yet practical

Limited Collectors Edition Hello Kitty Tank

And Chelle has prepared for the post apocolyptic world as she has invested heavily in the new currency



And she plans to survive the nuclear holocaust in her bunker dining on


While you were doing things like or

Our Ms. Chelle has put been busy putting together a group of humor bloggers because in the post apocolyptic world, survivors will need the funny.

The funny, and, of course, Greenland.

Happy Birthday, Chelle.

If you have a chance, be sure to stop by her blog http://www.offendedblogger.com/ or

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

to wish her a happy birthday.

Official 100% True (you can look it up)
Greenland Fact of the Day
Attention ladies:
0-14 years: 23.5% (male 6,867/female 6,634)
15-64 years: 69.9% (male 21,683/female 18,575)

Disclaimer: This post wasn't very offensive, unless of course you are a jihdist planning the apocolypse

Caption Winners Announced

Very close contest this week with unusual scoring. It seems the judges really liked some captions, and for the first time, few multiple points scorers. It's almost like the judges all liked the same captions, just in different orders. The first place votes were divided between Rubba, Carrie, Matt and Jenn. Multiple points were also scored by the Hawg and Chat.



"Bottoms up!"

was submitted by Jenn.

Carrie's poem earned second place and was noted for its creativity by the judges

Matt scored third place while Rubba received the "Could he possibly come up with any more captions?" award.


Judy from http://www.morethansewso.com/ gave me the



Her blog is full of information including but not limited to sewing tips, sewing machine maintenance, and plenty of mixed bag items to keep a manly man like myself interested. The best part of entrecard is I come across some really well written blogs. This is one of them. Thanks Judy for stopping by and the award.



Official 100% True (you can look it up)
Greenland Fact of the Day
Land: 2,166,086 sq km (410,449 sq km ice-free, 1,755,637 sq km ice-covered)

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

How New Jersey Are You?

I found this quiz and was disappointed I'm only 88% New Jersey. It may have been the following questions: I used to work in a gas station, so I know how to pump gas and I've never been to Midgetville, and have no idea what color the Empire State Building was this week)

http://www.gotoquiz.com/how_new_jersey_are_you

You Are 88% New Jersey!

Wow, you're totally Jersey. There's no doubt about it. Congratulations, and always be proud to be Jersey--it's a great thing to be!

How New Jersey Are You?
Take More Quizzes

If you were a winner of my chocolate giveaway and haven't contacted me yet, please do ASAP. Use the email address on the sidebar. Thank you.

Sorry if it looks like I phoned it in, but the roofers were back again, and interrupted my nap.



Official 100% True (you can look it up)
Greenland Fact of the Day
Natural Resources: fish, seals, whales

http://www.humorbloggers.com/
Votes are still being graciously accepted at Humorbloggers

Caption This

Win 500 entrecard points and a special listing




Official 100% True (you can look it up)
Greenland Fact of the Day
Population 57,564 (less than half the size of my small town)

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Voting is still open

Just some news you can use

Getting right to the winners from the Chocolate Covered Contest:

Jenn
Etta
Kritta
Tahtimbo
Reforming Geek
Eve

And don't forget today, from 2 to 6 Taco Bell is giving away a free taco because of some World Series promotion. A base was stolen in the first game, so everyone in America gets to steal a taco, or something like that. Kind of a strange promotion. You'd think it would be based on a home run or something. But the Yankees have a worse promotion during the year.
First you have to enter, and they have to pull your ticket. They do 1 per game. Right off, the odds aren't that good. Then, in order to win, the Yankees fourth hitter in that particular inning, has to hit a grand slam. And the prize isn't even that good, it's 10 grand. They have had this promotion for a few years, and I've never heard of anyone winning.

This is going to be an especially short post.

My schedule is off . I couldn't take my nap because they are putting on a new roof. Apparently, explosives were being used to get off the old roofing material, and this
is being used to install the new one. Are the walls supposed to shake like that?

Official 100% True (you can look it up)
Greenland Fact of the Day
Land Use
arable land: 0%
permanent crops: 0%
other: 100%

www.humorbloggers.com

Crotchety's Chocolate Covered Contest Day 4

Before anything else, I want to announce the best post to date and one of the Sunday winners:
http://momjeansblogger.blogspot.com/2008/10/has-someone-seen-my-dignity.html

One of my absolute favorite bloggers, and one of the funniest, dedicated a hilarious post to the contest. How could I not make her a winner?

And before I announce the other lucky winners, an important chocolate fact. Did you ever get that white looking stuff on a chocolate bar?

And here is the answer to that age old question, "What is this white crap on my candy bar?"

The whitish discoloration is called "fat bloom," which occurs when cocoa butter separates from the crystallized chocolate mixture and comes to the surface, says Dr. Barbara Struempler, an Extension nutritionist with the Alabama Cooperative Extension System.

It is perfectly safe and has no taste. According to the Ghiradelli site it happens when chocolate, during shipping or otherwise, is exposed to low temperatures.

That's why I'm having the contest now. In the summer it melts, and in winter it gets that white stuff. Oy.

Now on to the other 2 winners.

Janna--because I am a sucker for a list of 10 things. Yeah, I don't get out much.
Shadow--because she is helping promote my blog so uniquely. I know she lives up by the North Pole, and chocolate is a form of currency up there, so I am sure she will enjoy it.

Today, Monday, is the last day, so I'll have a few extra winners to spread the chocolate love.

That didn't sound right.

In order to capture the crown Jewel of Blogger Risk, Greenland, I have now introduced my official blog's 100% True (you can look it up)
Weird Greenland Fact of the Day
It's only Official National Holiday is:
June 21 (longest day)

They really love Greenland at:
http://www.humorbloggers.com/
If you haven't voted for me yet, you still have time. No need to register.

Crotchety's Chocolate Covered Contest Day 3

The celebration continues.



And what, you may wonder, am I celebrating?

My goal is 1 million visitors. I expect to hit 25,000 in the next day or so. And that is nearly one quarter of the way. Ok, one quarter of one tenth, which is half way there.

Fuzzy math aside, I really am pretty happy. Today, I acquired the domain crotchety old man.com. Last year I tried to buy it, and had no luck. So, whether the previous owner died or just got tired of a domain name he never used, I don't know. I just know it's mine. I have no idea what I'm going to do with it, but it makes me happy.

That and I'm in an all out effort to attract bloggers from Greenland. A few of my blogger buddies, Tiggy, Humorsmith, and the Offended Blogger have decided that it is important to have readers from there. Sounds good to me. That, and I'd like to have Miley Cyrus read my blog. No particular reason. I'm sure I couldn't pick Miley out of a lineup of teenage girls. But, she's pretty popular, and if she starts reading my blog, maybe she'll give me a shout out at whatever it is she does. And what do Greenlanders and teenagers have in common? A love of chocolate.

It's called marketing, people. So, this contest is all about Greenland and Miley Cyrus. That, and a way to thank some of my loyal readers, and maybe get a few new ones. Who says I'm not a super genius?



Oh, yesterday, I chose 3 winners:

AngieSS
Lauren
Chat Blanc

Just send me an email (the address is on the side) and a bag of candy will be on its way as soon as the Spawn gets her tuchas to the post office.

Today, I'll choose 3 more. You may notice the winners were persistent and funny. That's a hint. Lauren put a link to my contest in a post. She won. The other day, Chica put a link in a post and she won. Chat put a link in a post, and she won. Seems to be a pattern.





Oompa Loompas do all the heavy lifting at:
www.humorbloggers.com
And you still can vote for me. No need to register, just click on my name.

Crotchety's Chocolate Covered Contest Day 2

Day 1 winners

Chica X
Jamie
Dad the Dude

Here are some important facts about chocolate. I read them on the internet, so they must be true.

Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable.
Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.

Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. (We're testing this with other snack foods as well.)

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

Now, for some serious facts:

Dark Chocolate Lowers Blood Pressure
According to The Journal of the American Medical Association.
Antioxidants in Dark Chocolate
Dark chocolate is a potent antioxidant, report Mauro Serafini, PhD, of Italy's National Institute for Food and Nutrition Research in Rome, and colleagues. …Antioxidants gobble up free radicals, destructive molecules that are implicated in heart disease and other ailments.

I did noice the bags are different weights. Oy vey. So much for standardization.

You'll still like it. Dove chocolate is good stuff.

And you'll notice Friday's winners all were nice to me, or made me laugh. That's called a clue. Still plenty of chocolate left.



Chocolate covered votes are still appreciated at:
www.humorbloggers.com

Crotchety's Collosal Chocolate Candy Contest

Got a lot to cover here, but it will be worth it.

First some old business: The winner of caption this
Ever since he told Luke that he was his father, Darth Vader had to sell everything to cover the back child support...



and the winner of the Zucchini Award



is: Tahtimbo, who also receives 1000 entrecard credits.

First place votes went to Tahtimbo, Fishhawk, Matt, Gumby, and Dad the Dude. Multiple points were scored by Jenn, MA Fat Woman, Matt, Kiki, Chat Blanc, Shaxx, Lauren, and the Hawg

second place was Fishhawk, and Gumby came in third. Thank you to everyone who participated.

The ceremiony was cut a little short because today is the first day of a huge contest with real prizes.

Crotchety's Collosal Chocolate Candy Contest

I am giving away a few bags a day for 4 days of



This contest is very easy to win. All you need to do is leave a comment on the post of the day to get one chance to win that day. Please be aware, that if you win, you will need to send me your name and address because you will receive a 9 oz bag of Dove chocolate candy, and the post office generally prefers a name and address. I have a nice mix of milk chocolate and dark chocolate, some bags with almonds and some not. I'll offer choice as long as I can. I highly recommend the dark as it is very flavorful and loaded with anti-oxidents. It is nearly a vegetable. By the way, I will dump your address as soon as the contest is over. Don't worry about me stalking you. I once decided to stalk

Closest I got was I left a message on her website, and had ice cream at the shop where she had some vanilla ice cream 20 years ago. I'm a really bad stalker. That plus I try to never leave my house as I have had run ins with nature, and so I have a fear of turkeys, deer, monkeys, and turtles. From what I understand such nature as lions, gorillas, tigers, and hippopotomuses roam around outside, and I really would prefer to not have to encounter them.

And, extra chances can be earned simply by helping me out. Put a link in a post, and let me know you did, and I'll throw an extra chance in the hat for that day. If you put a funny picture of chocolate in the post, that is worth another one.

And if you say something nice in the comments, or make me laugh that's worth extra. For example, "Just give me some candy, you old fart" would earn a chance, but "My, have you been taking extra handsome pills lately, Mr. Crotchety?" would get lots of extra chances.

And lastly, anyone announcing they came here from a blog with a link to me gets extra chances for both of you.

I will post a chocolate related post on Saturday, Sunday, and Monday, so leave a comment when you can. The more comments, the better your chances.

Notice I didn't ask you to subscribe, but that would be nice. You won't get anything for that other than the good karma that comes from making me happy. Which, of course, is priceless.

And I can only assume you have already voted for me at humorbloggers. If, for some reason, you haven't, you have that opportunity right now. Nothing to join, just click down there and find my name, and vote for me.

The jokes are chocolate covered at
http://www.humorbloggers.com/

I got nothing

I'm just too excited about the super sized contest that I'm starting tomorrow. I'm just going to give all my regulars a heads up: it involves chocolate. Good chocolate. And, of course, tomorrow will be the weekly announcement of the "Caption This" contest winner. Make sure you stop by tomorrow, as the more days you enter, the better chance that you will win a major award. Complete details will be posted. Trust me it will be easy and fun.

"It's a major award"

My humorblogger buddy the Dude http://dadthedude.blogspot.com/ (no relation to The Dude in the movie The Big Lebowski) asked me about the caption contest and wanted to know the patented scientific method I use to pick the winner.

I've explained it in the past, but for some of my new readers, I'll run it down quickly. Mrs. Crotchety, the Spawn, Rubba, and 5 of my friends (2 named Donna) from www.nedthetoothpick.com review all the captions and vote, each picking a first second and third place choice. (If Rubba enters, he doesn't vote for himself) I assign point values and then total them up. Obviously, a first place vote is worth more than a 3rd place one. Whoever has the most points wins. I don't vote at all.

And just a shout out to my buddy ettarose at : http://ettarose-edgeofsanity.blogspot.com/

They can't wait for my contest at:
http://www.humorbloggers.com/

If you haven't voted for me yet, please do. Thanks.

Caption this

Caption this for fabulous prizes!!!



They love to caption pictures at:

www.humorbloggers.com

Don't forget to vote for me while at humorbloggers

Two for Tuesday plus

I like to highlight some of the blogs that I really like on Tuesdays. Well, I like them every day, but ya know what I mean. I try to select blogs that are new to me, or at least ones that I've only been following for a short time.

One of these is Debbie Does Drivel http://debbiedoesdrivel.blogspot.com/

Her description from the blog itself: Warped world requires a warped blog. End of story.

That pretty much sums it up. She is a member of the Humorbloggers.com World Wide Cartel, and is very funny. Give her blog a look, and I think you'll enjoy it.

The second one is written by a regular visitor here, The Hawg http://naturalhawg.blogspot.com/

Trying to describe his blog is like nailing jell-o to a tree. Just off the top of my head, some of my favorite posts from him were about cats, dogs, the Waffle House, Jeff Foxworthy, politics, football, music, kids, humor, lawyers and that's just a start. The guy is brilliant and funny. He used to be a lawyer, but don't hold that against him. And he is one of the leaders of the All Arkie Army. He was good enough to allow me to join even though I reside in NJ, and the only connection I have to Arkansas is I read his blog and some of those from other Arkie Army regulars. He's that kind of inclusive and welcoming guy. I think you'll enjoy his blog as much as I do.

Also, the blog received a few more awards and honors this week.

Tahtimbo (one of my daily reads as he covers health, recipes, humor, and so much more) at http://mrmomsunite.blogspot.com/

shared the



Uber (synonym to Super) Amazing Blog Award is a blog award given to sites who:
~ inspires you
~ makes you smile and laugh
~ or maybe gives amazing information
~ a great read
~ has an amazing design
~ and any other reasons you can think of that makes them uber amazing!

and I was tagged by Hammy at the Blah Blahs and the Yada Yadas http://www.hamishjoy.com/
He is a humorblogger that I think you'll like, too.

And Angie, Queen of Snarky at http://www.cupofsnarky.com/ also tagged me. You already know how hilarious she is, but should probably stop by and see her list of 7 things.

I have to list 7 fascinating things about myself, and frankly, I've made so many lists in the last few months, that nothing is fascinating about me, and I'd put everyone to sleep that isn't already.

According to my calculations, I have to tag or award somewhere in the neighborhood of, oh, I don't know, everybody on the internet.

I truly appreciate the acknowledgement, and I hope my award givers and taggers understand that I love getting them, but have trouble passing them out.

Youse already know all my favorite blogs are listed at the side, and I even have about 20 more that I visit every day because I really like them.

It looks like I gave you 4 blogs this week. That's fine, because you can't go wrong with any of them.

And don't forget--------
You still have time to vote for your old pal Crotchety at:

http://www.humorbloggers.com/
Original home of the Two for Tuesday

Some things are just wrong

And, of course,

William Shatner singing:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmTsTeT19Bo

They have a solid moral compass at:
http://www.humorbloggers.com/
While at Humorbloggers, you can do the right thing and vote for me.