The Great Naughty Bits Debacle

Warning: Graphic violence against rather sensitive parts of my body. If you are the squeamish type, pour a strong cup of coffee and read another blog. Perhaps even try to guess whose birthday is coming up in a day.

No, it's not mine. Mine is April Fool's Day. Stop pretending to be surprised by that.

Ok.

I have had many procedures done and some were rather simplistic, and a few were, for lack of a better term, invasive.



No, not that procedure from 2 years ago.

But the Great Naughty Bits Debacle took place a few years before "The Night I Spent in the JFK Hospital Restroom."

I was home, sitting in bed, and feeling rather poorly. What had been a minor scrape thisclosetomynaughtybits started to hurt. I checked around my naughty bits, and what had been a tiny scrape, was now a huge, rock hard burning, oozing hunk of me.

So, you have the setting.

Off to the hospital I went.

Doctor did some surgery. Bandaged me up, and then off to the post op. I eventually woke up.
And, of course, I'm wearing a diaper. Doesn't everyone?



So much gooey junk was oozing out, no bandage could keep up.



I always try to find the bright side, and, well, at least some cute nurses will be changing my diaper.

Woohoo. I recall having similar dreams when I was younger. I was already drafting my letter to a men's magazine:

Dear Editor, I never imagined this would ever happen to me, but...

but my nurse came in



The letter never got written.

I was looking forward to nursing care from Tiffany and Amber, I got Tim and Dave.

It gets worse.

Tim was rather gentle, bordering on affectionate. On the rare shifts that Tim wasn't around, basically, the nurse on duty would just come in, rip off the old diaper, and slap on a new one. Tim, oh, he was really into his job. My naughty bits were gently cleaned, powdered, shifted around, positioned in the diaper, repositioned, and finally tucked away.

I left the hospital, and had to go to rehab for a few weeks. The rehab facility was a mess. Huge staff turnover, which meant, as part of their training, new staff was taken to observe unusual patients. I had a parade of personnel coming in to see my diseased and diapered naughty bits.

It got to the point that when I heard a knock on the door, I would just whip off my diaper, and show my naughty bits. This was fine, but I did get a "talking to" after scaring, and probably scarring for life, the young lady who simply wanted to know if I wanted the meatloaf for dinner.

Future posts: Doctors I've tried to punch
Pictures credit: Rubba, at least the good ones were done by him.


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Getting to Know You

I’ve noticed several blogs where the authors have been answering questions about themselves. Some are in response to real questions, and some are in anticipation of questions.

Since I haven’t had an original thought since the early 1990’s, I thought I’d just follow along. Yup, if all my friends jumped off a bridge, I’d do it, too. I’m a freakin’ lemming.

So I’m about to answer that burning question that I am sure my gentle readers have. But first, if you have a burning sensation, may I suggest:


On to the big question: What do I do all day?

I sit on the couch watching Comedy Central and either read blogs (about 50 or more per day) write blogs, and visit 3 other chatboards. I was tested a few years ago, and I read between 1500 and 2000 words per minute, depending on content, so I really do get to a lot of blogs.

And I talk to telemarketers. Oh yeah, you know all those telephone survey results that you read about, and you always wonder, “Exactly who gives all those stupid answers? What type of idiot do they interview? Who even has time for all that nonsense? Do they interview socially maladjusted shut-ins?”

Guess who always takes those calls?



My absolute favorite thing to do is to have a telemarketer just give up.

I’ve done that a few times.

Here’s what works to really mess with a telemarketer’s head: agree to everything. At some point, the telemarketer will ask for money. This is where you try to borrow it from him. Convince the telemarketer that the deal sounds so great to you, and you are ready to move, if he could only spot you the cash.



Lastly, Doodle Week is coming. I have a badge for it over on the side.

More information is available here: http://stickfiguregrrl.blogspot.com/

But here’s my dilemma

Not only do I want to participate in the biggest Doodle event in the history of the blogosphere , but I, sadly, have no talent.

I have created 2 incredibly mediocre stick figure doodles. They pretty much suck. Any ideas on how to make them, I don’t know, not suck so much?


Sucky drawing #1


Sucky drawing #2

Advice welcome.

Coming soon: Someone very special is having a birthday. Be prepared for a huge party right here. Try to guess whose birthday it will be.



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Extra Wordy Wednesday

I was going to write about the Great Naughty Bits Debacle today. This was my name for the time I was hospitalized and forced to wear a diaper for a couple of months.


Ok, I wasn’t forced to wear the diaper, I just kind of liked it. It was a good look for me.


But instead, I realized I have been remiss in some of my blogging duties. I received two Arte Y Pico Awards last week, and haven’t been able to complete my mission in accepting these prestigious awards. So, this will be an Extra Wordy Wednesday.





The Rules thanks to arteypico.blogspot.com:
Rules:
1) You have to pick 5 blogs that you consider deserve this award, creativity, design, interesting material, and also contribuites to the blogger community, no matter of language.
2) Each award has to have the name of the author and also a link to his or her blog to be visited by everyone.
3) Each award-winning, has to show the award and put the name and link to the blog that has given her or him the ward itself.
4) Award-winning and the one who has given the prize have to show the link of “Arte y pico” blog , so everyone will know the origin of this award.
5) To show these rules.


This gives me an opportunity to showcase many of the great blogs I read every day.
I was awarded these by Shadow Crystal http://internettreasuretrove.blogspot.com/
and by Presidential candidate Benny Greenberg at http://ya-ttitude.com/blog


Both of these blogs are wonderful , and I’m sure you will enjoy them as much as I do.


Now, on to my picks. By the way, this will be a long award ceremony, but I’m sure you will enjoy the wonderful blogs that I have selected.


These are in no particular order, and I read each one nearly every day.


The first award will go to Chelle at the Offended Blogger.
http://www.offendedblogger.com/
I can’t explain whether she offends or gets offended. I just know I’m one of her many fans.


Next, is the Downloadable Ryan Garns.
http://www.ryangarns.com/
No blog entry ever made me laugh harder than If the Federalist Papers Had Been a Blog. http://www.ryangarns.com/archives/article_062908.php

I’ve recently started reading ChatBlanc at
http://www.witsbitch.blogspot.com/
It’s well written, and funny. Every day she shares her world with just enough snark to make me laugh.

I enjoy foreign language blogs, and one of these is Drowsey Monkey.
http://drowseymonkey.blogspot.com/
She has the most wonderful sense of self-deprecating humor. And penguins.
Yeah, I know Canuckian isn’t a different language. Humor my ignorance, eh.

Few blogs start my day like Amyoops.
http://www.amyoops.com/
She always has some funny themed pictures and a quick joke or two.

I read so many other great blogs. But, like all awards shows, my time is up. I’ll introduce you to them next time. I do read some serious blogs. Honest. And I even read some that are considered intellectual. But I need to laugh, and so many of my blogging buddies help fill that need. I thank them for this as they keep me sane.

Ok, what passes for sanity in my life, anyway.

Give these blogs a gander. I’m sure some will become favorites for you, too.



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Take the A Train

You know how most family get togethers usually involve some story telling, and it's always some cutesy little tale from when favorite Uncle Billy was a kid, and at the county fair he ate so many candy apples he was sick for two days. Then everybody chuckles at Uncle Billy.

Yeah, that never happened in my family.

Most of the stories ended with cars flipped over and mayhem and destruction throughout the area.

But we did have one almost cutesy story, at least by my family standards.

My family lived in New York City for quite a while.



One day, my great Uncle Chris took his nephews (my future Uncles) Larry and Frank into the city with his niece Margaret (my future Aunt.)
They made their way through the underground maze that is the NY subway system.
All was well with the world. They rode the rails, shopped at Macy‘s, and had a wonderful day.



Suddenly, Margaret had need to use the facilities. Experienced subway riders know 3 things:
First, subway cars have no facilities
Second, sometimes the stations are really far apart, and it takes a long time to arrive at the next one.
Third, when a little kid has to go, they HAVE TO GO.

My future aunt was getting desperate. She had to go number 2, and in the worst way. Poor Uncle Chris was beside himself.

The car was not very crowded, and he had an idea.
He hustled my aunt and uncles off to a corner and sort of formed a little human screen around her. She did her business, and --OH NO!!! There rolling around on the floor were some hard little remains of yesterday’s lunch. (This was before fiber was discovered.)

Suddenly, Uncle Chris had an idea. He had some Tootsie Rolls in his pocket, probably for the kids for later on. Now was the time for sacrifice. He unwrapped the chocolaty delights, and stuck them back in his pocket. He then used the wrappers to, let’s say, “artfully repackage” the little poo logs.



Then, they were hidden under a seat on the train.

My Uncle Larry never would eat a Tootsie Roll after that day.


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God chat

I know most of you come here for fresh made humor every day. And I have been providing you with home made chuckle-worthy posts for a while.

Occasionally, I have stolen crap off the internet outsourced the funny because I have found things that just deserved to be stolen shared.

Today, I have found the source of all knowledge. That's right, it's igod.

I will warn you, this site is highly addictive. How often do you have the opportunity to find out every answer to every question ever?

And now, igod:

http://www.titane.ca/igod/main.html

It has been brought to my attention it looks like one has to sign up. Nope, I wouldn't do that to youse.

Just click.


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Today's New Jersey Geography lesson

I love New Jersey. Many people, especially hack comedians, make fun of it. You're from New Jersey? What exit?

Bastards.

I've included pictures of my home state from time to time, and everyone can see how beautiful it truly is.

First, here's the balcony overlooking the pool:



I spend most of my day ogling girls in bikinis enjoying nature. Pay no attention to the binoculars. They are for observing nature. Everyone knows I love observing nature, but always far enough away so I need binoculars. Encountering nature, that's not my thing. It always turns out badly for me.

And one of the most interesting things about New Jersey, and very few people know this, it is a sub-tropical region. Oh yeah, and I have photographic evidence:



New Jersey palm trees, the home to the fierce enemy of seagulls, the Jersey Palm Owl.

Last night, I had the great traditional New Jersey Shore dinner, fish tacos. I would have included a picture, but who hasn't seen a fish taco? And, if you haven't, well, just imagine a taco, only fishier.

We were supposed to go to see a show at the casino tonight, but that will have to be put on the back burner. I'm not feeling really well today. (Should fish tacos be so "fishy" tasting?)

I'll probably just put on my hat, and sit on the balcony, and ogle commune with nature.



Coming tomorrow. Off to the beach

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Happy 4th of July

I'm still blogging from my balcony overlooking the bay in Somers Point, NJ, at the fabulous Pier 4 Hotel.



Today is July 4th, which is, as most of my readers know, is the birthday of The United States of America. It is also the birthday of the Crotchety Old lady, although she is slightly younger than America.

I'm sure a number of other bloggers are doing tributes and they are wonderful.

I'm doing something slightly different.

In the middle of the night, I woke up and started thinking about the Gettysburg Address. This was probably the most significant speech in American history. It was short, and eloquent, and began the healing process of the Civil War.

Few of us know much beyond the first few words. I thought I'd print the entire speech here.

It sums up what America means to me. It's more than fireworks, songs, and Yankee games.

And now

Mr Lincoln:

Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth upon this continent a new nation: conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.
Now we are engaged in a great civil war. . .testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated. . . can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield of that war.
We have come to dedicate a portion of that field as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.
But, in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate. . .we cannot consecrate. . . we cannot hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember, what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here.
It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us. . .that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion. . . that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain. . . that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom. . . and that government of the people. . .by the people. . .for the people. . . shall not perish from the earth.


Note to those who aren't history geeks like me. The Battle of Gettysburg took place from July 1-3, 1863.

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Awards--Now 100% Richard Simmons Free

Yesterday, I was awarded the prestigious arte y pico award by Jenn of Cabbages and Kings and the blog Thrift Shop Romantic http://cabbages-n-kings.blogspot.com

I would like to thank her for her generosity in sharing this award, and just so you know, this does come with a history and some rules. Clearly, this is nothing like the Trophy that accompanied the 1979 Men’s Sunday Church League Underhand 10 Foot Arc Championship Team. (Go First Church of the Good Death and Discount House of Worship Blue Devils!) By the way, we were 17-2. I pitched and won 16 of those games, and lead the team in beer consumed batting. Oh yeah, I used to be an athlete.

Back to the trophy. It was originally hand crafted by Gregorian monks in the 15th century, and has been passed down to the descendants of …no wait, that was from a movie…It was made by the monks, and it was stolen by marauders who put it in a cave defended by a killer rabbit. So, the monks used the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch


… wait, I think that was another movie.

I’ll just post the rules from the website http://arteypico.blogspot.com/ :

Rules:
1) You have to pick 5 blogs that you consider deserve this award, creativity, design, interesting material, and also contributes to the blogger community, no matter of language.
2) Each award has to have the name of the author and also a link to his or her blog to be visited by everyone.
3) Each award-winning, has to show the award and put the name and link to the blog that has given her or him the award itself.
4) Award-winning and the one who has given the prize have to show the link of “Arte y pico”blog , so everyone will know the origin of this award.
5) To show these rules.
Simple enough. So, now I have the awesome responsibility of passing along this award. I read and enjoy around 50 blogs a day, so I recognize quality in blogging. Unfortunately, I suck at decision making. I’ll simply pick 5 of the blogs that are on my can’t miss, read every single day list.

First, I’m going to pick the Soccer Mom Files. http://momjeansblogger.blogspot.com/
I know that’s not what the link says, but everyone knows I struggle with technology, and I don’t quite have the ability to do the links right, but at least these are clickable, so keep yer pants on.
I picked this relatively new blog because it is well written and very funny. And she has little cyber fish named Paul, John, George, and Ringo who I feed every day by clicking.

Next, I’m going to pick Shadow Crystal’s blog. I’m keeping with my theme of choosing blogs with names different than the link.
http://internettreasuretrove.blogspot.com/
You’re just going to have to deal with that. Shadow is a college student who finds some of the best video’s and delivers some truly inspired rants in the Crotchety tradition. And she speaks Canadian, so I’m keeping with the spirit of the award by giving it to someone who speaks another language. I’m also building bridges between the USA and Canada. I feel really badly about giving Canada noogies the other day on Canada Day, so I‘m hoping to make up for that.

Third, to Mom’s Crazy Life. Anyone who has 6 kids and works as a nurse, and finds the time to blog about important things like the death of her toilet deserves something. http://www.momscrazylife.com/. Her blog is a good read. She may not be June Cleaver, but she rocks.

Fourth award goes to Gumby the Cat. The author is a science fan, and that by itself should be enough. But wait, there’s more: His blog is well-written and researched. I know, it’s not as impressive as near naked pictures of Richard Simmons, but it’s still pretty awesome.
http://gumbythecat.blogspot.com/

The final choice is the toughest. I wish I had 10 more awards to give out, because I read that many really interesting blogs.
But, rulz is rulz.

My final choice is for the award is How is Bradley.
http://www.howisbradley.com/
This blog is written with a degree of honesty that is rarely seen when dealing with a subject as important as mental health. He takes everyone on his journey and manages to maintain a sense of humor in what can only be a very stressful time. He also is an artist, and turns out cartoons that sum up our health system in a manner that make one laugh and cry at the same time.
Let’s have a big round of applause for all the winners. Don’t forget to tip your waitresses, and drive home safely.


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Wordless Wednesday, Richard Simmons Edition

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Happy Canada Day

I wanted to start by wishing everyone a Happy Canada Day. I was all set to give you a nice description of Canada Day, and why we should celebrate it. I then realized I was very negligent in my Canadian knowledge, especially after taking a Canada Day quiz.



http://www.tearsheet.ca/quiz/quiz.php

I did steal this from Drowsey Monkey, who is one of the funniest Canadian bloggers. You can visit her for more Canada Day news and notes. http://drowseymonkey.blogspot.com/ If you tell her I sent you, she'll give you a better seat.

From what I understand about Canada Day, it's exactly like the USA's Fourth of July, only different. Here in the USA, our Social Studies courses are very Euro-centric, with a little bit of South American history thrown in. We consider Canada our younger brother, and pretty much ignore it. On this Canada Day, I'd like to apologize for that.

And then, of course, give Canada noogies.


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Monday Morning News Blues

I have a number of things that just piss me off. Yeah, I know, you're surprised because I'm always just so damned mellow. All my RW friends just fell off their chairs. Give them a moment to get back up.

I usually start my morning watching Fox infotainment. It almost gives me the latest news, or at least it hints at the highlights. I know, if the world ends, they will mention it in between stories about puppies and Miley Cyrus, Jamie Lynn Spears, or whoever is the Bubblehead of the day.

That was rude of me. I'm sure Ms. Spears and Ms. Cyrus are absolutely charming and brilliant. I fully expect them to simultaneously discover a cure for cancer or some other disease in between tour dates.



You know what grinds my gears? (I was long overdue for Family Guy reference) I may be the only one, but I read the news scrolling along the bottom, and everything else on the screen.
I'm reasonably sure no one else does, because whoever types all that crap out can't spell. No, I'm not talking about the people who type the feed for the closed captioning as the announcers are talking. That's easy to get wrong. By the way, sometimes those mistakes are hilarious. They just get words so wrong. I totally understand that. It's a hard job, and impossible to make corrections because the live feed just doesn't stop.

No, I refer to the text that either accompanies stories, or scrolls along the bottom, updating as appropriate. On ESPN or another sports channel, it gives constant scores, which is pretty useful because I hate waiting for the baseball scores through stories about the new professional Frolf (it's a real sorta sport) league action or whatever nonsense they use to fill up the time when not reporting about baseball or football.

Today, accompanying a story in which someone apologized, the story spelled the word apologies. Oh yeah, it said, "Country apologies for" followed by whatever it was.

A few days ago, the weather scrolled across the screen. Rain was predicted, but we could expect the son to come out later that day. Either that was a very religious person predicting the end of the world, and the appearance of the Son



or is it someone who should not have that job?

Even more upsetting to me is that the regular person typing out the sports scores on my NY affiliate of Fox, spells my favorite team the Yankes. Oy vay.

Ok, and I just saw it scroll across my screen that the price of milk will go up. This will affect, and I'm not making this up, "milk-related products like cheese."

WTF? Who writes this stuff? What dunderhead proofreads this? Does anyone ever look at it after it hits the screen? Is cheese related to milk? What is it, the ugly cousin who has a nice personality, and needs a date?

Lastly, another person was shot. I'm sure the guy was very nice, an upstanding citizen, and an all around good person. But, I noticed that every single time tragedy strikes, it is only to that type of person.

Ok, the news station is not going to risk lawsuits over anything. But holy cow, last year some guy was killed who had an arrest record a mile long. It was spread over 10 years and included more than 40 convictions. You guessed it, he was a nice guy, hard working, a neighborhood guy with a smile for everyone. Plenty ask why do bad things happen to good people. I just want to know why they never happen to bad people.

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Another Pleasant Valley Sunday

I'm all over the place this morning. I decided to do a Larry King type post. If anyone hasn't read anything from Larry King, it's basically stream of consciousness writing. Whatever pops into his head, he writes. And he gets paid. I can only assume he gets paid pretty well for this because Larry King is rich. I only know Larry King is rich because he's had a couple dozen really beautiful wives and, well, no one's personality is that good.




Yeah, I know, I shouldn't judge him based on his looks, but oy vay.

And he has married some incredibly beautiful women. Ok, lightning striking once, sure, but seven times? And his last one was just after his 103rd birthday.

He has to be the luckiest guy on the face of the earth.

back to my stream posting:

Stop telling me kids today are smarter than ever. They are getting dumber, but thanks to self-esteem building exercises, they feel better about being dumbasses...Damn, I love strawberry Greek yogurt. If it wasn't a couple bucks for a tiny cup, I'd have it every day instead of the industrial strength store brand crap I usually buy...I watched the Solomon Brothers movie on Starz last night. Some movies would have been better off as 20 minute shorts...Stop telling your kids anyone (even him or her) can grow up to be President. Unless you are filthy rich, it ain't gonna be one of your spawn...I have to make up my mind about Richard Simmons. Does he annoy me so much that I'll never mention his name again, or does he fascinate me so much that I can't stop mentioning him? Though he is the most famous person I ever met...I could never lead a sing-a-long. The only songs I know are The Night Chicago Died, Rocky Racoon, and the Viva Viagra jingle.


Bet you thought this was going to be a picture having to do with Viagra

...Why can't someone make broccoli taste like chocolate donuts...Anyone else remember when a million dollars was a lot of money...I've seen a new service called Twitter. Lets your friends keep up with you. I'll save everyone the trouble in my case. 1. Get up, go to bathroom. 2. Sit on couch. 3. Go to sleep...
Another big timesaver. I get those list things in email every day. Questions lists.

I'll save you the trouble as they all have these same 5 questions, and my answers are always the same.
1. My favorite color is pinstripes.
2. My favorite number is 5.
3. Yes
4. New Jersey.
5. I'm not wearing pants
...I always hear about overpaid sports figures. No one is worth that much money. I just read that Madonna is getting divorced, and celebrity gossip persons are wondering how her $600,000,000 will be divvied up. Maybe the trampy star can sing, but she can't hit a slider worth a damn...I need to talk to a psych doctor to find out why I have so many unresolved Richard Simmons issues...Type to you tomorrow, in the meantime, have a swell day.





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A Saturday Morning Post

On Father’s day, I included a short clip of a video from 1999 as Kevin Rowland covered a song from the 1960’s. The song was covered, but much of Rowland wasn’t.

Freddie from www.Nedthetoothpick.com has been searching for the entire video for months. He finally found it on youtube.

Dr Rob at Rob’s Megaphone www.robertstevenson.wordpress.com recently posted about the strange music of 1973.

Ha: wait until he sees this entire video.

Warning: The following video is offensive, suggestive, and should not be viewed by anyone.







Ok, that's better.

I just feel I have to make that up to you somehow.

I'll let my good pal Richard Simmons handle it:



Disclaimer: Management claims no responsibility for mental anguish caused by this post, but does apologize in advance.

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Malevolent Monkeys of Miami

This is another entry in my continuing series Mother Nature, Murderess, and the final one in my violent post week.

Again, you have been warned, this post is not for the feint of heart.

Sure, monkeys look cute and act funny. They act almost human at times.


It’s all part of the master plan. But they can’t be trusted. Did you ever drive through the Monkey section at Six Flags? Oh, yeah, they are all over the car, pooping, trying to break off body parts, and generally inducing mayhem, simian style.



I usually avoid the drive through by the monkeys. They have a bypass road for a reason. Monkeys are among the most evil creatures in all nature.



Many years ago, I had an encounter with a monkey that scarred me for life and helped sour me on nature.

This was before I became Crotchety. I was young, and full of hope for the future. I had dreams, dammit. They were all dashed in minutes in one of the most frightening places on earth--Monkey Jungle in Miami, Florida.

Back then, I was fearless. I even attempted to bridge the human-savage beast gap by offering monkey chow, or whatever it was that was sold in the little vending machine.

I carefully handed one of the peanuts to the monkey, and he grabbed my finger and attempted to bite me. The depraved critter was attempting to eat me.

Sure, I was 30 times his size, but in nature, size doesn’t matter.

I managed to escape, but the tale doesn‘t end there. The fiendish demon then stalked me, sort of. He was in a cage, as all nature should be, and I was able to walk away. But, he was at a crossroads in the park. I had to pass him several times over the course of the afternoon, and each time, he attempted to treat me like a schnauzer treats a fire hydrant.

Oh yeah, and I had to dash past him each time or receive a “shower.” I was so fortunate that the monkey was obviously male, and his aim was like most men‘s.

Disclaimer: No feces were tossed during the witing of this post



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Pass the Stuffing and Gravy--and Beware

Violence week continues on the blog. Tuesday had criminal fighting tips, Wednesday was reptilian monster day, and today is Close Encounters of the Avian Kind. This is part of the continuing series, Mother Nature, Murderess.

Everybody thinks of the turkey as a docile bird, and a tasty Thanksgiving Day meal. Rumor has it that turkeys are so dumb, they can drown during a rain storm.

But don’t be fooled by these diversionary tactics. Turkeys are among the craftiest, most cunning, and the most ferocious beings on the North American continent. They are the direct descendants of the T-Rex, and if I know my Godzilla movies, they were some bad dudes.



As recently as June 1st of this year, it was reported that a turkey flew into a living room in Livingston NJ, broke a window and terrorized the homeowners. The turkey fled the scene before police arrived, but had left a path of shattered dreams and glass in its wake.

A few years ago, the turkeys ran wild in Union County, NJ. The rampaging birds attacked the US Army.

OK, it wasn’t the Army, but it was a man in uniform. A letter carrier was attacked by a herd, gaggle, bunch, flock gang (I looked it up, that’s what you call them) of wild turkeys, and he was forced to kill the leader in self-defense.



Typical turkey gang activity--approach with caution

One day, while I was driving to work, traffic was delayed because a turkey stood defiantly in the middle of the road. These birds are getting more brazen. And I beseech you, do not believe the pro-turkeyists who claim the turkey is more afraid of you than you are of it.


Stalking human prey


Please be careful when approaching nature, for a turkey could be lurking right around that bend. And everyone knows the only time you are truly safe from a turkey is when the cranberry sauce is served.




Please note: Turkey jokes are not a substitution for chicken jokes. Why did the chicken cross the road jokes are still hilarious.


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Attack of the Ninja Turtle

Attack of the Ninja Turtles

I may have mentioned this before, but I’m not a “nature” person. I went camping once in my life. I was in a camper so it wasn’t exactly roughing it, but it was way more rustic than I wanted.



I lasted about 4 hours before I went out and found a hotel.

It was a crappy hotel but at least it was reasonably far from nature.

Don’t get the wrong idea. I can watch nature on TV, and I like to look at it when I’m driving by in my car.

You can clearly see nature in the background.


Back to the topic at hand, the Ninja Turtle of Death.

I live about 100 yards from a heavily traveled major highway. I’m in a development that is mostly asphalt. I am perfectly shielded from nature. Or so I thought. I was lulled into a complete sense of complacency when one day, and sitting right in my yard



Sorry, that is Sophie the diabetic cat. She can be mean, but she’s not part of nature.

Ok, here it is, the vicious wild animal that was lurking in my yard.


Notice the menacing glare

I ran inside and told the Crotchety Old Lady that we were under attack. Nature was at the doorstep. I feared for my life. No one is safe from turtle attacks.

I did some turtle attack research on the web, and found a lot of information on these bloodthirsty reptiles. Family pets can turn into a snack.

In December of 2007, in China, one particularly ferocious turtle dove from an 8 story building onto a car. I’m sure it’s intent was to cause mayhem and destruction in its bloodlust driven rage. Fortunately, no one was injured--that time.

It’s now the height of turtle season.

Be careful out there.

Coming soon: The murderous turkeys of Union County, NJ

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Damned Gubmint

I'm overdue for a political rant.

High gas prices?

Who is to blame? It's pretty obvious. While we are quick to point to the government, last time I checked, we have a (potentially) complete turnover of the House every 2 years, a new President every 4, and a new Senate every 6. We elect the government, and have been doing a rather piss poor job of it.
The policies that have put us in this situation began in the 1970's. Back then, we, the people, saw that our 'nads were in the hands of the OPEC'ers. Our response? Everyone got green for 15 minutes as gas went from .29 per gallon to $1.00 after sitting in a long line.
The crisis passed, lines went away.
Rather than continue on a path that would result in lower demand, cleaner air, and every other benefit of a lesser footprint, we went out and bought freakin SUVs.



The bigger, the better. Escalades, Expeditions, and Hummers--oh my! Because, after all, most of us have need for an all-wheel drive assault vehicle.
And we continue to vote in representatives that represent us no more than the CEO of any major corporation does. We continue to act as if spending 15 minutes to vote every 2 years is a chore of immense proportion, the equivalent of climbing Mt. Everest without sherpas.
We get what we set ourselves up to get, an unresponsive political structure, a trade deficit that is killing the dollar while putting people out of work, expensive gas, a failing economy. Point the finger at Bush, the Democrats, or whoever you wish. Just remember, you will have 3 pointing back at you.

This last bit of news is New Jersey-centric, but in a nutshell it describes the problem with government. Our DMV is open one late night per week. To save money, the offices will now be closed at 5:00 every night. Only government could come up with a solution like that. Every business I have ever worked in, if nights were necessary (and yes, nights are helpful for working people who need to go to the DMV) they adjusted the hours to provide better service to the customers. But because the government provides a mandatory service, and has no competition, they simply shut the office down.

Here's some novel idea for Governor Corzine, who apparently has his head firmly up his posterior. One day per week, say Wednesday, open 3 hours later in the morning, and stay open 3 hours later. No extra cost, no problem for anyone.


Corzine was a businessman, and many thought he would be a great leader because of his background. It turns out he is as much an elitist as any career politician ever elected. It wasn't too long ago that he was in an accident and was seriously injured. Why? Because the vehicle he was being driven in was speeding excessively (over 90 in a 65 MPH zone) and he wasn't wearing a seat belt. By the way, in NJ, not wearing a seat belt is a ticketable offense. But he didn't think he had to follow our laws. So, he did a couple PSA's and all is well.

This is just one more reason we need to throw these rascals out after two terms.

For those keeping track at home, Corzine spent 63 million dollars of his own money to buy win the Senate seat in 2000. He spent about half that in 2005 to become Governor.

Yeah, they are just like regular people.



I'm the Governor of New Jersey, dammit.


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WTH News of the Day

I was all set with today's post. I thought about it, and even had a title for it. Then, during my morning routine, I accidentally listened to the news on the radio. Make sure you are strapped into your chair before you read the following:
Taylor Hicks will be playing on Broadway.



So far, so good. Here's where it attains WTH status:

Taylor Hicks, former American Idol winner, a guy in his 30's who looks like he's in his 40's or 50's will be playing high school senior Danny Zucco in Grease. Hicks, the harmonica playing Alabama born and raised winner of season 5 will be playing an 18 year old street-wise California kid.

I realize that Travolta was about the same age, but he could pass for someone much younger.

Plus, as for me, I was more interested in looking at Olivia Newton-John.



But, they were passable in the movie, partly because they didn't look so old going in.



Hicks is going to need a lot of greasepaint and hair dye.

I wonder who will be in the roles of Sandy and the Pink Ladies?

I do have a suggestion.



Disclaimer: No AARP members were interviewed for this posting.


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Beware of the Killer Tomatoes

Warning: This post has been rated PG-13 for the suggestion of possible violent content. There is no violence, but it is suspenseful, and brimming with violence potential. But nothing happens. You've been sufficiently warned.

A few years ago, my phone rang. It was the Crotchety Dad. He wanted to know if I had stopped by during the day while he was out.
It seems the house was messed up, doors were smashed, and generally things didn't look right. I told him it sounded like the house was robbed. So he asked if I could come right over. Being a good son (ok, an adequate son--fine, his only son) I went to help out. It took me about 20 minutes to get there.

In the meantime, apparently, he just sat in the living room and stared at his TV. It didn't work because the wires were cut, and the VCR (I told you this was while ago) was missing. He still wasn't sure what had happened.

I looked around and confirmed that he was robbed. I called the police and then decided it would be a good idea to do a walk through and make sure no one was hiding in the basement or anything like that.
That's when I did one of the dumbest things I've ever done.

I realized that the robbers, if they were still around, may be armed. After all, they had smashed and broken open the gun safe. So, I could walk right into the business end of a .357 magnum.

Not wanting to be at such a disadvantage, I grabbed a weapon to protect myself.

I armed myself with



Don't snicker. This is serious. Tomatoes can be very dangerous, especially in the 28 oz. can like I had chosen.

In fact, in Spain, every year an event called the Tomatina takes place in a small town in which tens of thousands of people die.

Oh, the humanity!!!



I just checked my sources.

It seems no one died from tomatoes being tossed at them. But it is possible that they could be allergic and get a really nasty rash, or a serious bruise.

I have heard of rogue tomatoes and their inherent vicious character, so I'm keeping an eye on them.



Disclaimer: No tomatoes, fresh or canned, were tossed during the writing of this post.

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