The Tale of the Bumble Beetle

There is a sordid part of my past that few know about.

I used to steal cars.

Oh, before you get the wrong idea, I never kept them, or sold them, or anything like that. In fact, I always returned them in the same condition. And they belonged to my friends, so it was all good. My larcenous behavior wasn't my fault, really. I was so easily led astray.

The first car I stole belonged to George. It was an older Chevy Nova, and very easy to heist. My buddy Vinny (Ed. Note: Crotchety lived in an Italian community in New Jersey. There is a Vinny in every story, as required by law.) and I were hanging around Burger King late on a Friday night, and George was busy inside working. Vinny suggested that we hide George's car. Which implies, of course that we break into it, and move it somewhere else. Breaking in was pretty simple as he left the windows open. We slipped the car into neutral (old cars don't require a key to do this) and we proceeded to push the car across the lot, and hid it in some large bushes on the property of the business next door.

George came out a short while later, and we were in our usual position, leaning on my Plymouth Duster. George looked confused, as he seemed to remember parking his car where my car was. After a nervous few minutes, he started to get upset, and without telling him how it got there, we "noticed" part of the car sticking out of the bushes. George was relieved. For the next few weeks, we hid George's car in a different place every night. It sort of became a game for George, too.

But that was nothing compared to the Bumble Beetle. Our friend Ken had a car called either the Bumble Bug or the Bumble Beetle. It was a Volkswagon Beetle, about a 1966 or so. For reasons known only to himself and his Creator, Ken's dad, the former owner, decided that it would look great painted yellow and black. We dubbed it the Bumble Beetle.

Artist's rendering

As you can imagine, the car was rather distinctive looking. Ken could not go anywhere and not get recognized, or at least spotted by us. The first time this became apparent was when Ken went to Korvette's to buy something or other. I was driving around with Bob, another car thief buddy, and we spotted the Bumble Beetle in the parking lot.

"You know what would be funny?"
What?
"Let's do something to the Bumble Beetle"

So, we got the Beetle, and moved it to a spot that was nearly impossible to get out of. It was wedged between 2 cars, facing the wrong way. Ken had to wait until at least one of the shoppers moved before he could go home.

Bird's eye View

Keep in mind, the Beetle could be spun around to fit in many different positions, all of which were impossible to drive out of.

We spent the rest of that summer stalking Ken and finding new places to drag his car. If there was a curb, the Beetle always wound up on it. A ridiculous spot to get wedged into? In went the Bumble Beetle.

Good times.

Need a car jacked? Check out :
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Insurance companies suck, too

I just started a business relationship with Appreciation Boxes (a link is on my page) and one of the major benefits is that I can purchase health insurance. It is with a different company than the thieving bastages professional insurance company I am currently sort of insured with.
Forget that the new company has already lost parts of the application at least once. I can only presume they will get better. My current company, which rhymes with Schmaetna, has been pretty bad as apparently I am only covered if I get sick during an eclipse. On a Wednesday. In a year divisible by 4. Unless it rains more than average.

And it only cost me $650 per month for just me with no scripts.

I have to wonder just how much money gets stolen wasted by insurance companies. I know when my car insurance was supposed to pay for my loan when I lost my job due to injury, they "lost" my paperwork every other month. Of the 12 months I was eligible, they made 3 payments. Bastards.

When my Mom passed away, it took years to get the inurance companies to settle the claims. They had no problem taking payments for decades, but when it was time to pay up, well, you wouldn't believe how many times things "got lost." And how often they were confused and befuddled. At one point, they didn't understand that if they were on the phone with the executor of an estate it meant the insured had passed away and was not able to come to the phone. My sister handled that, and had to explain to more than one "agent" that little fact and bit of tricky language trivia.

And the latest?

In order to prove to the new company that I had insurance before, I have to get something from the old company.

I called Schmaetna, and after waiting for an interminably long time due to various "time saving menus," I had to talk to customer service. Funny name. Here, I expected service, and it turns into a DIY project. They operate exactly like a modern company as after all this is 1957 2009.

Here's the procedure: I need to fax or mail a letter to them letting them know I no longer want their insurance.
OK, I suppose that is good. It would prevent someone from just calling in and screwing up another's insurance because at least they will have some sort of written proof.
But here's where it gets stupid. They will then mail me a letter confirming that they have my cancellation, which I can then send to the new company. The new company said it may take up to 30 days to get everything in the system.

Excuse me--30 days? A transaction this simple should take, at most, a few minutes, and they told me to call after 30 days to see if it's done?

Ok, bear in mind, there is nothing to input except a checkmark indicating that I had insurance in the past. Possibly, they may need to enter the account number of the old insurance.
30 days? 30 minutes would be a ridiculously long time.

These morons have simply instituted an entire layer of annoyance just to justify higher costs. Costs that are regulated by the gubmint, the same gubmint with elected officials who are so heavily financed by insurance companies. Sure gives one pause, doesn't it?

I'm pretty cranky about this. I'll make it up to you with a funny post tomorrow, The Tale of the Bumble Beetle.

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Caption this winner announced

The staff at Crotchety Old Man World Wide Headquarters and Discount House of Worship had their work cut out for them this week. It was an unbelievably close contest as one point separated first and second place.

Plenty of points were scored as Lola, Dani, Mike, Jormen, Windmill, Self Deprechaun, Petra, Paul, and Lauren all tallied some points.

But the winning caption

Whamo! presents the new "Slip and Slut"
was submitted by Don. This is his second win.
Don gets the Zucchini and 500 entrecard credits.



Second place went to Lola, and third was Petra. Each of them did score very highly and made the judges job extremely difficult.

I spent quite a bit of time today fighting with insurance companies, who suck as bad as bankers.

I'll fill you in tomorrow.

In really stupid news, earlier today, a plane landed in the Hudson River. Everyone was safely taken off the plane within a short time. No one was hurt, nothing else happened. No huge fire, nothing. So, for hour after hour, the local news took over the entire TV schedule showing a picture of the plane while they interviewed everyone in NYC. I turned off the coverage and checked back. It was over 3 hours straight at one point-- 3 hours after everyone was safe and on land. I missed the Simpsons and Seinfeld.

The news is on now, with up to the minute coverage of the plane. For those keeping score at home, nothing has happened to the plane in the last 8 hours other than it has been towed to a pier. So, they are showing pictures of the plane sitting in the water at a dock. What could possibly be as interesting as a plane sitting in the river in the dark? The entire news cast is built around the plane. The weather guy is telling what the weather was like 8 hours ago when the plane went down. He just described what the water was like 8 hours ago. Let's see, it's January, and it's single digits outside, what would the water be like? I'm going to guess it was cold. You'd think this was some backwater town. Apparently nothing else happened in New York today.

8 hours of riveting TV

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Scientific Discovery in New Jersey

This week, in Central New Jersey, a cave was discovered and drawings were found on the walls. Scientists were called in from Rutgers University to study these drawings. Professor Emeritus Jonathon Frink led the group, and after hours of research it was determined that this was a vicious dinosaur that was being fed a woman. It made no sense, until Chelle B and the entire cabal from from Humorbloggersdotcom was consulted and they shed light on the drawing and its significance.



They studied it and announced to the scientific community that this was man's first joke.

"Take my wife,



please."




http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Caption This Wednesday, Spectacular prize

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The stupidity continues

A friend of mine, Robert Cohen, a journalist and advocate for http://www.notmilk.com/ just sent a note with the stupid quote of the year.
To sum it up: In Indiana, a truckload of cattle, headed for the slaughterhouse, was in an accident. The cows were rounded up, and put on anoher truck, but a vet was called to the scene. The vet (Hargarten) was interviewed and said the cattle seemed almost none the worse for wear.

"I was amazed," he said. "I'm sure they're bruised and sore, and they'll probably feel it tomorrow."

They remained at the fairgrounds Friday afternoon, awaiting their owner to send a second truck to haul them to their original fate – the slaughterhouse.

So, I'm sure it will be a nice relaxing day for them in the slaughterhouse.

The next bit of really stupid news comes from the Brooklyn Cyclones, an affiliate of the NY Mets. It seems they plan to have a special night when they rename the team the Baracklyn Cyclones. http://site.baracklyncyclones.com/

Makes me glad I'm a Yankee fan.

And all this stupidity calls for one final thing. My blogging buddy, Janna had this test on one of her three very funny blogs. I had to find out my nerd quotient.

Was there ever a doubt?







www.humorbloggers.com

Stupid Monday edition

I fell asleep last night before doing my post, so I'm up at 4 a.m. bringing youse the latest in whatever the heck it is being brought. The stupid Giants lost the playoff game that they should have won, and I felt like I played the stupid game. It made me miss my nap, and I was uber cranky last night.

The Steelers won, so at least I'll have a team to root for through the rest of the playoffs.

Stupid Giants.

And another thing that is getting on my last nerve, and I get ready to throw something at the TV every time it's on, is those cash for gold commercials. Are there really people who have no idea gold is valuable? Really?

And now, with the economy in the dumper, there must be one of those commercials every 10 minutes.

And, inevitably, those are followed by a commercial for a Rent to Own appliance commercial. And the pitchman tries to come across as a well meaning uncle, giving you the chance to get needed items like a computer, refrigerator, and big screen TV. OK, who really needs a big screen TV? Especially one that is going to cost double or triple after paying all the fees.

PT Barnum would be a billionaire if he were around today.

And now, Billy Mays is yelling about health insurance. Yeah, I should buy insurance from the same guy selling me super putty, car scratch stuff, and over priced soap.

Thank goodness for Vince and ShamWow or I'd lose faith in all TV advertisements.

But the big mystery to me is, how the heck do the free credit report folks make any money? They give away reports for free. They must work on volume.


http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Wrapping up the week

Just like yesterday's garbage gets wrapped up and tossed away, last week should be over and done with. But the bank follow up is pretty interesting. I called first thing Saturday morning, and after pushing a couple buttons, listening to a few phone menus, finally, a customer barely service agent was reached.

Yes, bank policy is to freeze all my assets until I call and talk to a representative. Apparently, it is legal to freeze thousands in assets because I owed them 15 dollars.

Madoff bilks banks and others out of untold millions (billions?) and how many others default on millions, and yet, I am past due $15 and they are all over me. Bastages. I paid them off (it was only about $100 in total) and requested my fees be reversed, with me being a good customer and all. I need to call back again, because the Saturday customer barely service person doesn't have that kind of clout. Banks suck.

And while I'm complaining about thieves, I bought the Crotchety Old Lady a camera for Christmas. She used it for a month, and now it needs batteries. Ok, no biggie. What do you think batteries cost for that thing?

$30. For batteries that last a few weeks. I had her get the rechargeable ones instead, but holy crap. A Die Hard battery that will start a Buick in 0 degree weather (that's crazy cold temperature for our Celsius standard temperature readers) is only about double that. As soon as the batteries show up, she promised to take a picture of my kidney stone so it can be posted. It's worth the wait.

Saturday morning I borrowed a page from
Dead Rooster's sure fire method for seducing women.

I prepared the Crotchety Old Lady a nice breakfast, and washed the dishes. I made her an omelet with onions and home fries with Yukon Gold potatoes. And not a piece of poop related paraphenalia was exchanged.

The result?

Terrible.

She now believes that either
A. She's got some incurable illness and has days to live
or
B. I'm up to something nefarious

As I type, she is outside in the cold and dark, shoveling the snow. She has washed and ironed my underwear (which is nice, admittedly.) She is trying to prove to herself and me that she is as healthy as ever.

What a moral dilemma I have. Should I simply tell her the truth and let her read the blog post that encouraged me, or wait until she paints the shed?

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

It's Saturday, Crappy week continues

It has been a bad week, with the cable troubles earlier in the week, and now the week ends with aggravation.

Oh, and I am annoyed. In fact, an entire industry has me rankled.

Banks and Bankers.

I hate bankers. A lot. I suppose they must have a use, but overall, they are pretty damned slimy critters. I don't mean the nice lady who takes my piece of paper, and gives me other, more usable pieces of paper back. I mean the big mucky mucks. The turn our economy into crap while they make billions bankers.

I get a notice in the mail that I forgot to pay my credit card bill. I forgot to pay $15 on a bill of a bit over $100. Ok, my fault. I messed up.

So, I simply call the electronic payment thing and try to pay off the card. Like I stated, it's only a bit over $100. And I have more than $100 in THE SAME BANK. But, they froze my account. They charged me $29.00 because I forgot to pay $15. So far, they are charging me 100% interest (loan sharks call it the vig) on my late payment. It is due immediately, and that works out to 1200% interest annually.

Meanwhile, these thieving bastages, are paying me 1% interest on the money they are holding in my account that they have stolen froze.

Exactly how incompetant were banks that went under when they make such a tremendous profit?

And before anyone tells me that banks were forced to make bad loans by the gubmint, yeah, I know. And I also know that among the biggest contributors to political campaigns is the banking and finance industry. Gives one pause doesn't it?

I'm not in a very good mood today. I hate banks. Banks suck.

Do Amish people use banks?

Slightly Friendlier than Bankers

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Caption winner announced

This week the staff at Crotchety Old Man World Wide Headquarters and Discount House of Worship was in almost complete agreement. One caption was on every scorecard (this may be a first) and more than half scored it as best. This is what could be considered a landslide.

Before announcing the winner, it should be mentioned that Dzzblond and Jormenground were the only others who got first place votes, so it wound up a battle for second. And points were scored by Dana, Canucklehead, Chat, MA, FreetheUnicorns, SwirlGirl, and Matt.


In the sexy couple Marathon, Suzy and John were disqualified for doing the 68 and a half totally backwards.
By Etta Rose



She wins the Zucchini and 500 entrecard credits.

In a close race, second place went to Dizzblnd, and third to Canucklehead, with Jormengrand right behind him.

Thanks for participating in another great contest.

And as far as my getting in touch with my inner Abe Distelfink, it's probably not going to happen. Everyone who knows me has stated I would be a terrible Amish person. The combination of my laziness, along with my TV and computer addiction would cause miserable failure. Though it should be pointed out that black is slimming, so the clothes would be an advantage, and I do like wearing blue shirts. "Crotchety Old Amish Man Yells at Buggies" is an available domain.

I could be the only Amish blogger. Talk about niche blogging.


www.humorbloggers.com

Living The Plain Life

I've been living life like I'm one of the Plain People for the last few days, and I'm considering embracing it full time.

Yeah, I was living in an Amish Paradise. No telephone, no TV, and no internet access. If I decide to do this all the time, I need to make some changes. First, of course, I'll need a new name. How about Abraham Distelfink (you may call me Abe,) for my moniker? It's bibley and Amishy. Next, I guess I will need to learn a new trade. I can always change my hobby and yell at buggies, but I will need a real job to do in between the barn raisings, avoiding the English, going to meetings and whatever else I'll have to do. What the heck do they do all day? I checked The Google, but it didn't know because The Google must be English, and the Amish people hide from them or something.

Anyway, back to looking for a job. Jenn mentioned that the Amish are getting into the heating business. With a lot of experience in that field, that is a possibility, but it seems more craftmanship than banging on pipes, so maybe that won't be my niche.

Perhaps farming? Not planting stuff, because that stinks (have you ever been in Lancaster County during planting season--oy.) I suppose some form of ranching is a possibility. While I don't do well with nature, maybe that isn't the best idea. I won't make youse dig through my archives, just take my word for it, me and nature don't mix.

When the Spawn was about 4, I took her to the Terry Lou Zoo in NJ. This was sort of a retirement home for zoo animals. The ones that couldn't cut it in the circus, or were just too old to sit in a normal zoo, wound up in Scotch Plains, NJ. I couldn't find any pictures except the house that was in the middle of the grounds. Everything else is pretty much torn down.



Anyway, while wandering around, I noticed the giraffe was not looking very well. It had blood dripping from it's nose. I got the Spawn away from the giraffe although she wanted to pet it like the other kids did. Sorry, a giraffe with a bloody nose just kind of skeeved me. And, of course, I made the right move, because all the "good" parents who let their kids pet the giraffe were treated to something extra special when the giraffe sneezed, and the kids had a combination of giraffe snot and blood on them.

So ranching is out due to fear of getting sneezed on by nature.

Fahgeddaboudit. The cable guy just showed up. I'm back!!!

I probably wouldn't have fit in anyway







www.humorbloggers.com

Caption This--Twist and Shout Edition

Twisted week continues as this week's caption this is on a different blog where I am guest posting. So, in essence, I get to do extra work, while the Hussy Housewife goes snowboarding and sips chablis. I swear this seemed like a good idea when she suggested it.

Anyway, you can find the "caption this" picture at http://jamieandtnt.blogspot.com/

Leave your caption there, and check back here on Friday for the prizes and accolades, and of course, the Zucchini.

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Two for Tuesday

This is a very special Two For Tuesday. Most weeks a theme develops, and this week it seems to be twists. Tomorrow, the caption this will have a twist to it, and today's Two For is different in that it is one blogger, two blogs.

Two of my favorite things are humor (I do pretend to be a humorblogger) and history (I have a degree in History, and like to pretend I'm an out of work History teacher.) Anyway, what are the odds that I have found a blogger who apparently shares my same interests? I have. And I am a huge fan of this blogger.

Her name is Lidian and she writes the Virtual Dime Museum, http://thevirtualdimemuseum.blogspot.com/
which presents a daily snippet of local (NYC, usually) significance, and provides some good historical background.

But I did promise you a twofer, and here is her second blog Kitchen Retro.
http://kitchenretro.blogspot.com/
Now this is a misnomer, as her blog covers many different products, not just for the kitchen. In fact, some of her recent posts have shown many of the uses for Listerine and various hair products. And Listerine may be one of those hair products. Be afraid.

The Lemonade Award has been presented to the blog by the Snarky View Ladies from http://thesnarkyview.com





By now, everyone knows this comes with all kinds of rules that I don't follow. Basically, though, it is in appreciation for great attitude or gratitude. Stop snickering.

Anyway, I would like to thank the Snarky ladies, and also share a nice virtual lemonade in a Victorian setting with The ladies, and Lidian, and anyone who would like some.

Stop by tomorrow for caption with a twist.



www.humorbloggers.com

The Jannapedia

My fellow humorblogger (is a person a fellow humorblogger if that person is a she?) Janna at
http://jannaverse.blogspot.com/ has noticed that Google Captcha now uses almost words. She has created the Jannapedia for giving definitions to these new almost words.

I found myself doing the same thing, and they make me laugh, so I wanted to share a few with anyone interested in contributing to their own edition of the Jannapedia.

Hannism -- a near religious devotion to Hanna Barbera cartoons

Immutses -- Can't speak due to dropped cell phone call

Breba -- Short period of time

Nastrik -- A racing league for magicians

Toppee -- Opposite of Bottommee

Vingert--If you work in a sub sandwich shop (not Quizno's, I still hate them) after you put on the vinegar, it has been vingert

Zationss -- Things that are really great.

Harmour -- British word for practical joke when someone gets hurt

Mether--too blasé to pick either or neither

Stapses -- Things one steps upsess

Etings--The stuff left over after you eat, like bread crusts, shrimp shells, and such



http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Sunday Breakfast at Tiffany's

I tried taking advice from Reforming Geek last week, and did something nice for the Crotchety Old Lady to try to get her in a better mood.

I guess I just don't understand that woman as well as I thought.

I made her a nice breakfast. I went all out. I made her her favorite breakfast--whole wheat toast. I even buttered it for her. No coffee because we have some high tech coffee maker that I don't know how to use. But I poured a nice glass of cold water. And not just tap water, mind you, but water I ran through the Brita pitcher, so it was like I prepared that too. What got her all riled up? Youse won't believe this. I didn't clean up the dishes I used for making her that gourmet breakfast.



There is just no making that woman happy.


www.humorbloggers.com

Caption winner announced; Blogosphere rejoices

The staff at Crotchety Old Man World Wide Headquarters and Discount House of Worship was put back to work immediately after our big New Year's blowout. Reeking of stale beer and cheap champagne, and suffering from massive hangovers Awake and alert, they got together and made their first selection of the year.

It was a great contest, and many captions got votes as Chica, Just a Blogger, Marvel Goose, Diva Cosmos, Self-Deprechan, and Kate all received first place votes as the best caption. Nicole, RutgersMB, Aoi, Jormen, David, Swirl Girl, and Lauren all received votes as great captions, too.

The first
of the year goes to


Man I would hate to be the one that has to put diaper rash ointment on that hairy deep dark crack!!

Seriously though..he is way too old to be in diapers. He should be in PULL UPS at least!!
The Hussy Housewife

A very close second was Just a Blogger, and third went to Chica.

Next week's contest is going to have a little twist, but I'm sure you'll enjoy it.



www.humorbloggers.com

Zippety Doo Dah

The Google is the greatest thing ever. I have always had a lot of questions, and before The Google, I was only able to call the librarian and ask her for help in finding answers to my most pressing questions. As you can imagine by the type of "research" that I do, the librarian was usually less than thrilled to hear from me. But now, I am able to find out in minutes any of the many questions that I had pondered for years.

For example: What do circuses and zoos do with animal poop? We know the monkeys just fling it at unsuspecting visitors, but what about elephants, rhinos, and giraffes? They don't have the luzury of a hand option.

According to the respected journal The Farmer's Almanac Ringling Brothers Circus donates elephant poop in every community in which they set up their tents. This is good news for the average gardener who is looking for free fertilizer.

But for those of us with a bit more style, well, this certainly beats a big nondescript bag o' pachyderm poop.

These are little elephant's, rhino's, hippo's and giraffes, made from their own doo, which has been heat sterilised. They are for use on outdoor pot and container plants and when watered, slowly dissolve releasing their nutrients.

Since everyone thought the jewelry was such a bad idea, would this be a better way to make up for not getting the Crotchety Old Lady a Christmas gift? She likes gardening and elephants, so that would work, right? Maybe I should get her a pack of seeds, too. I'll tell her it's a Do it Yourself Bouquet, so it's also a craft project. Win-win-win.

I really do so much for the woman. She still isn't speaking to me, and is probably really upset about that. Besides, I'm almost out of clean underwear, and I'm sure she wants to wash a few loads. Her greatest joy is in doing things for me. She's never said that, but I'm pretty sure that is how she feels.

Stop by tomorrow for the caption winners and more stuff.



http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Happy New Year

Happy New Year to everyone.

May this year produce health, wealth, and obviously, happiness.

And what a way to start off the new year.

The voting ended for Humorblogger of the Year and guess what?

The award

Designed by Rubba

goes to ME!!!

Thank you for your votes. I am so honored. I am so grateful to Chelle and all the members of Humorbloggers.com, the best group of humorbloggers anywhere. Everyone is welcome to stop by for free food and beer to read some of the best humorbloggers around. It is a fast growing group of truly funny folks.

By the way, I've heard it comes with a new car, and I'm pretty sure it will be hot.



Catch you tomorrow with a very special Thursday post as the previous theme will be renewed. Youse will never believe what I've found. Yeah, I have a lot of free time to search for the truly weird stuff.

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Links

My Favorite Places

-A-
A Little Piece of Me
Adullamite
After Dinner Mint
Amy Oops

-B-
Bee's Musings
Beyond Left Field
Brazen Teacher
Broadway Matron

-C-
Can You Be a Part of My Life?
Canucklehead
Celeb Obsessed
Comedy Plus
Confessions of a Reforming Geek
Crabby Blogging Lady
Cup Of Snarky

-D-
Dad the Dude
Dead Rooster
Debbie Does Drivel
Downloadable Ryan Garns
Drowsey Monkey
Duck and Wheel with String

-H-
Harley Blue's Beatles Site
Hillbilly Willy
How Is Bradley?
HR Pro Blogs

-I-
I Say hella
It's a Funny Thing

-J-
Jane Q Citizen
Jannaverse
Jersey Bites

-K-
Kitchen Table Medicine
Kitchen Retro

-L-
Lady Sarcasm
Life as I know it
Life Is Good
Lipstick at the Mailbox
LOL Factory
Lorelei Mahoney

-M-
Maugaritaville
Middle Aged Dating
Middle Aged Fat Woman
Midnight Garden
Mom's Crazy Life
Ms. Macky's Journey
Musings of a Quirkyloon

-N-
Nanny Goats in Panties
Ned the toothpick
Nooter the Dog
No Named Dufus
Nourish

-O-
Of Cabbages and Kings
Olga The Traveling Bra

-P-
Philly Today
Plain Ole Mike
Predator Press
Pregnant with Cancer

-Q-

-R-
Raw Cool
Redhead Ranting
Rebellious Arab Girl

-S-
Sanity On Edge
Savvy Witness
Say What?
Scott's Tip of the Day
Shadow Crystal
Soggy Doggy Bloggy
Speak, Dog
Stacie's Madness

-T-
Tales of My Aching Feet
The dairy Free Diva
The Exaggerator
That Tears It
That's Funny Because
The Garden of a Flower Girl
The Hussy Housewife
The Humor Smith Chronicle
The Junk Drawer
The Maaaaa of Pricilla
The Medium Bus
The Natural State Hawg
The Offended Blogger
The Pumpkin Patch
The Shark Tank
The Snarky View
The Soccer Mom Files
Thoughts of G
The Wise Young Mommy
Tiggy Blog
Time Thief
Times Observer
Trac a 'Crat

-W-
Wit's Bitch

Caption This: New Year's Eve Edition

www.humorbloggers.com

Now What

The Christmas Holiday came and went, so now the Crotchety Old Lady is not speaking to me.

I know, it's possibly my fault. It's nearly always been my fault, so I'll just presume once again, it's something I did, or in this case, didn't do. Before Christmas, we had a "discussion" and she said, "Well, just don't get me anything." So, I didn't. Who could have guessed that she didn't mean it?

Now, let's say it's rather chilly here. So, I have to try to make it up to her.

I found these earrings:



They are made in Maine, and aren't exactly production line junk. They are made of all natural materials, so she should be happy, right?

Since she is more annoyed than usual, I thought I'd get her this too:


Youse would never believe all the unusual stuff I found Here.

So, do you think this stuff will cheer her up? I know it's really killing her not being able to wait on me chat.

And, if anyone is in a really helpful mood, it's almost New Year's Eve. I'm taking suggestions for possible resolutions for 2009 for me. I can't come up with anything, so if anyone has any ideas, they will be welcomed.


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Monday Morning Coffee Chat

I like coffee but it tends to have negative effects on me at times, but every so often a cup is nice. On Christmas, my sister made some Mystic Monk Coffee. My concern, of course, was what do the monks do to the coffee to make it so mystical. It turns out that the monks are just into coffee. That was a great relief to me. I was truly afraid it was similar to Kopi Luwak coffee. I’m sure you have heard of that by now. It is coffee, errmm, “processed” by cats. Yeah, people pay crazy big bucks to drink coffee made from beans that have “passed through” civets, also known as Toddy Cats.
But before you decide to feed coffee beans to Fluffy in the name of a better morning beverage, just be assured, it probably won’t work. Civets aren’t really cats, but are some freaky looking Asian critter that looks like a cat, but is probably more like a weasel. Which incidentally, raises another point, as Weasel Coffee is also being produced. You can look it up on the Google.

This, naturally, brings me to scientists with crappy jobs. As bad a job as those scientists who had to taste ear wax had, right now, as we speak, scientists are experimenting to see if farm raised civets can produce cat poop coffee every bit as good as wild cat poop coffee.

Imagine that conversation as the scientist comes home to the family for the Holidays.

"So, Nigel, what are you doing with that fancy schmancy doctorate degree from the University that set your mother and me back thousands and thousands of dollars? Curing cancer, AIDS, or world hunger?"

"Yes, I'm working with food technology and biological interactions thereof."

Best Part of Waking Up

Have a Happy Monday. How do you take your coffee? Mine is cat poop free.


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What's irritating me today?

I've been complaining a lot lately. It's probably the season--too much year end happiness is interfering with my crankiness. But celebrities are the most annoying people on the planet.

Anyway, Tom Cruise is in a new movie, and he has been hitting all the talk shows, and it's getting a lot of buzz.

Valkyrie

It sounds like a pretty good film, and more than once, I've heard Tom referred to as a hero for undertaking this role. A friggin hero? He will make, according to what I found on the Google, somewhere between 30 and 60 million dollars to dress up and pretend he is someone else. That is what makes someone a hero today? For that matter, if Tom Cruise is a hero, then a mime must be a superhero. After all, a mime dresses up and pretends he is in a box, which is way harder.

The next celebrity that is starting to annoy me could probably qualify as a two-fer. A-Rod and Madonna. Not sure which of these dunderheads annoy me more. A-Rod is a young, extremely rich, and apparently good looking athlete. He plays for one of the most famous teams in the world. And he can't do better than a haggy, thrice divorced, trampy 50 something year old? Not to be sexist, but come on, A-Rod, it's not cool to date your high school crush when you're 35. And, to say I'm sick of Madonna already would be the understatement of the year. Toots, you're in your 50's, with a bunch of kids, plus at least one you picked up as a souvenir when you went to Africa, how about settling down? And what the heck is wrong with fans who look up to these chowderheads?

And lastly, celebrity parents are getting on my last nerve. Is Billy Ray Cyrus a dad or Miley's pimp/press agent? It's kind of hard to tell. Pretty much the same deal with the Spears's parental units. You really want to help your kids? Get the damn cameras out of the house. No one needs to see you making Britney cheese grits, you loon.

Finally, what is the deal with hospitals advertising on TV and radio? Who doesn't choose the same hospital as everyone else? It's called "The Closest." I think I'm having a heart attack, or I get hit by a bus, I'm not thinking about which hospital has the best commercial jingle or whatever. And then hospitals complain about losing money. Does this make sense to anyone?

See you tomorrow. I think I need to get my Xanex script refilled.


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Caption prize winner and so very much more

This is a super sized Saturday Edition. Pour yourself an extra large hot chocolate with double marshmallows, butter up a toasted muffin, and read on. With the Holiday, I have been holding back, so this post will be attempting to make up part of the half arsed posts of the last week or so. I hate when life interferes with the funny stuff.

First on the agenda:
Not a lot of captions, must have been some sort of other stuff going on. Oh, yeah, Christmas and all that.

I gave the staff the week off, so this week and next, there is a special judge.

This week's winner is Charmaine from Middle Aged Dating
http://charmaine-greymatters.blogspot.com/



After suffering from a mild identity crisis Rex, the German Shepard, went off his meds and applied for an opening posted on Craig's List to be one of Santas Reindeers. He did not get the job.
Santa: You can't fly, you're a dog. Stop wasting my time.
Rex: I can too fly you (bleep)
Santa: Get this stupid dog outta here.
The dejected canine was spotted sky diving over Pasadena with a message for Santa. We have digitally altered it for publication: (Santa is a Shi*)Rex is currently being held at Pasadena County Jail on charges of defamation.

It was more a story than a caption, and the judge was suitably impressed.

Jenn was second, and Adullamite a close 3rd



Charmaine wins the Zucchini, and because she doesn't have entrecard (the best blog promotion tool around) she just gets the award and, of course, the acclaim of the entire interwebs.

My blogging buddy Ettarose http://sanityonedge.blogspot.com/ awarded the blog this great badge this week.



It comes with no rules, no strings, no requirement to annoy pass it on to 137 of my closest friends. It just is one friend recognizing another.

I'm going to need a minute here.

Thanks. I'm back.

Major Announcement: Alert the media!!!



The famous kidney stone that eerily resembles Rutherford B Hayes, thought to be lost in the general debris of the Crotchety household, has been found. The Crotchety Old Lady will be photographing it so it will be properly archived before being donated to the Rutherford B Hayes Library in Fremont, Ohio.

Sadly, it has been shuffled about, and some of the characteristics have been dulled, so it is vital that this important medical and historical artifact be preserved and saved for future generations. Give her a couple days to take care of that. Proper documentation takes time.

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The Joy of Limoncello

I went over to the sister's house for Christmas dinner and had some of our family's traditional favorites. We had home-made ricotta cheese, some really good proscuitto di parma, Genoa salami, brasiole, meatballs, imported provolone and cavatelli. The gravy was my great grandmother's recipe, passed down for how ever many generations that is. The Sicilian wine flowed freely, so Mrs. Crotchety was in a mellow mood.

And, this year, my sister experimented with something totally new: she decided to try her hand at making limoncello. For the uninitiated, it is an Italian after dinner drink that is, apparently, half lemon and half rocket fuel vodka. I've had it before, and it is a wonderful after dinner libation, useful in digestion.

I needed to digest a lot, apparently.



I did toast to your health, too.

You are quite welcome.

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Merry Christmas, Everyone

Lidian posted this yesterday and it was just too good not to re-post. It's only about a minute. I think you'll enjoy it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dc3ei1tseeM

And while this Holiday Classic drives many of us crazy, this version is pretty entertaining:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=28GUU1YbP_E

I received chocolate rum balls from Reforming Geek, and they are spectacular. Thank you very much, Ms. Geek.

Guess what movie I'm watching?



Everyone have a Merry Christmas. Catch you tomorrow. I wonder how I'll post when


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Caption This; Holiday Edition

Too close to Christmas to mess with Santa




Have a Merry Christmas

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Two for Tuesday

It's officially winter, and I am looking forward to spring. I may be jumping the gun highlighting blogs that specialize in flowers and plants, but I'm freezing my tuchas off and it has been snowing, or at least threatening to snow every day. It has been Christmas seemingly since October, and I just need something different. Plus both of these blogs have posted about and pictured some seasonal greenery. Yesterday's Christmas tree I drew didn't quite fill the bill.

The author of Water Once a Week http://www.wateronceaweek.blogspot.com/ has done a nice series on seasonal and Holiday plants featuring some of the legends and history of those bits of greenery we use to decorate our homes. Throughout the year, she shares some wonderful photos from her garden and farmer's markets, and various floral related sites in her Canadian neighborhood. Over the summer, she provided some great live links to Monarch Butterfly migration studies, too. I usually stop by every few days to have a look around her blog.

The second one I'd like to highlight is The Midnight Gardener www.midnightgarden12.wordpress.com/ Greg, the blog author, is a talented photographer who shares tons of photos. Most are from a very unusual perspective, and not your run of the mill petunia pictures. Probably my favorite series was his walking tour of the New England village near his home featuring a Christmas tree made from lobster traps. He recently went to Rockefeller Center, and took some very nice pictures of "The Tree." Those of us in the NY/NJ area don't need any more explanation than "The Tree." Tell someone you are going to the City to see "The Tree" and that is all we need to hear. The rest of the country would need to ask which city or which tree, but we all know.

I hope you enjoy these sites. Both are very visual, and both have well written posts to go along with the photos.

Another thing I like but may not have mentioned, these bloggers use mostly original photos, so you are not going to see the same things you have seen everywhere else.



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Happy Festivus Eve

Today is Festivus Eve.

According to the Festivus entry in Wikipedia (a trusted source for information )

Festivus is

A non-denominational holiday to be celebrated by those frustrated or jaded with the commercialism and pressure surrounding the Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa season

Some of the traditions include a Celebratory Dinner, during which there is an airing of grievances. The traditional meal could be spaghetti, meatloaf, ham or turkey.

For Festivus Eve, I went with spaghetti in a red sauce. As I aired my grievances with the Mrs., I learned that she isn't very interested in my grievances. Some people just can't seem to embrace the Holiday spirit.

Enjoy the Seinfeld clip explaining the origin of Festivus.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HQFLqMyo0fo

And may everyone experience their own Festivus Miracle.

I doodled this for the doodle blog http://stickfiguregrrl.blogspot.com/



This would have killed Bob Ross. Good thing he's already dead.



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My Worst Christmas Gift

For the Humorbloggers, it was requested that I write about my worst Christmas gift ever. It's part of a carnival, so you can visit my friends and see some of their entries.

I have been fortunate enough to have gotten some really great Christmas gifts in my lifetime. In fact, I could tell you about my favorite present ever without hesitating. My worst gift? That takes some thought.

You know how "they," whoever the heck "they" are, always say it's not the gift, its the thought that counts? What if one receives a gift that leaves one wondering, "What the heck were they thinking?"

Right in the running would have to be the bread box I got one Christmas. I mean, an appliance is a pretty bad gift, so where does something not quite up to the standards of an appliance, yet still kitcheny, rank? Pretty low, if one were to venture a guess.

But the worst gift ever is one that most would consider a pretty good gift. Does that make me some sort of gift snob? Oh no, far from it, gentle reader. This horrible gift, one that even someone as magnaminous as you may consider a good gift, is...Macy's Gift Cards. Hang on and I'll explain why they suck.

What does a Macy's gift card say? It screams "I had to get you something, and really didn't want to put the effort of finding out what you want or need. I have completed my obligation. See you next year." And as the ultimate passive aggressive gift, it does not allow the opportunity to shop where I want, as I am limited to one store. A nice, relaxing dinner out? Nope, they don't accept "Macy Money." Drop a few bucks in Atlantic City? Nope, Donald Trump won't allow me to place a bet using a certificate normally for 600 thread count sheets.

And every single year, I got the same thing from the ex's family. You could just feel the love. And, what do you buy for the people who buy you a Macy's Gift Card? That's right, the exact same thing. And every Christmas, we all exchanged $25 Macy's Gift Cards. One year, I suggested that we have a grab bag, and buy one really nice gift for someone special. I was pooh poohed as if I were some sort of Grinch.

And that Christmas, we all dutifully cheerfully exchanged our Macy's Gift cards.

*sigh*

I guess it was better than the darn bread box.

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Happy Saturday it's another rant

Everything outside is snow covered here in Central New Jersey, and it is gradually freezing over. Pretty typical for December. Ok, so why do the TV news stations just go freakin crazy when it starts to snow?

I live in Edison, NJ, and a TV station is in my town. They sent out a crew this morning to a town called Flanders, NJ, which is less than 40 miles away. That is driving distance, so in reality, it is probably 30 or so. Yup, in heavy snow, under conditions where they advised everyone to stay off the roads, the weather doofuses had a crew drive 40 miles to film snow from the exact same storm that was falling outside their office windows. Perhaps there was more to the story.

Maybe the unfortunate citizens of Flanders faced some special challenge due to the snow. They were awaiting a delivery of medicine to save the town from an outbreak of diptheria and only a dog team could get it to them on time due to the weather.

Oh wait, that was the plot of the movie, Balto.

There was absolutely no freakin' reason for them to drive 40 miles to film snow falling in Flanders. But whenever it snows, TV weather departments go ballistic. I am able to watch TV news on NYC channels 2,4,5,7,9,11 and the local news on channel 12. I also have several weather channels. And every one carried the news of the storm as if they had never seen this stuff before.

Ok, I can understand this for those who live in the South and only see snow every few years, but for gawd's sake it snows in NJ and NY every freakin year. And, really, now, is 2 or 3 inches of snow (most of which has already melted) that big a deal? A few years ago, we had 30 or 35 inches of snow--that was a storm. It had flakes the size of yarmulke's falling. There was thunder and lightening while it snowed.

Giant snowflakes and thundersnow, now that is weather news. 2 inches of wet snow? Give me a break. I want my infotainment, darnit.


A little early Christmas present:
**video removed because it offended Mrs. Crotchety. It also offended anyone with eyes and ears.


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Prizes awarded; Bonus rant

First, the rant.
The Google should attach a warning with blogs. One suggestion: "This blog is so covered with freakin ads and stupid widgets that no one cares about, that if one should even consider opening said blog, expect it to take seemingly forever to load, and once loaded, be treated to, at best, some poorly constructed paragraph or two passing as information. This information, again, best case scenario, is trite. At worst, eyes will bleed and possibility of brain hemorraghing is real and The Google will accept no responsibilty as you have been warned, dumbass."

That would be really nice. And as an addendum, after being thoroughly annoyed by some stupid blog experience as I just had, where I got so tired of waiting for a page to load that I began to rant, what do you think are the chances I wanted to spend any time on the page looking at the many stupid freakin ads that took so long to load? Most successful retailers have found it best to not piss off the customer before they get in the door.

I get it, I really do. People need to make money. Some need it to pay for their domain, some for their ISP, heck, I'm sure some need it to put food on the table. But if anyone wants to use the 'net to make money, then darn it, how about learning how to set up your page so it loads in less than 3-5 minutes? If you are recycling crap articles, just to post something, you don't need a Digg icon slowing down your page. You don't need that dancing imbecile, or maps of the world, or even widgets showing your page rank, Technorati rank, or Alexa, or any other thing no one cares about except you. If I cared, I could find out in about 30 seconds.

The newest thing? Besides that freakin K Mart banner? The big "Page sponsored by" crap over your page. It annoys the heck out of me, but at least it's easy enough to click and make it go away. But it is one more thing to slow down your page, one more thing to drive away traffic. Maybe the guru of the month says that is the way to make money. I'm not sure as I barely make pizza money with my blog, but I'm not in it for the money. If you are trying to make the big bucks, good on ya. I hope you make millions. But try to do it without annoying the crap out of me, m'kay?

Now on to the important business of caption winners.

This week's truly captured the spirit of the Holiday season. The staff at Crotchety Old Man World Wide Headquarters and Discount House of Worship were hard pressed to pick a winner. They were that good. The Spawn is out filming in her big Bollywood debut, so I had to call in extra help to break a 6 way tie.


Confused about the placement of his hat, Santa is experiencing a slight wardrobe malfunction

By Reforming Geek.

Second place went to Shadow, while 3rd was Janna

6 captioneers did get first place votes including, obviously, Reforming geek, Shadow and Janna, along with Jenn, Lauren, and Don. Multiple votes were also received by Jorman, Chat, Adullamite, Angie, Heather, Chica, Claire, MA, Gumby and Freetheunicorns.

Have a Merry Christmas

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Meh-ry Christmas

I'm sitting here enjoying my Christmas decorations.

I'm not saying they are really sad or anything, but basically, my festively decorated home consists of a Christmas card from my insurance agent and my Yule a Go Go (now with LED lights!) Christmas tree.

What happened? I used to really be into Christmas. I need to blame someone.

The Spawn (who by the way, is an extra in a Bollywood movie being filmed today) has pretty much outgrown toys and stuff. All of the Crotchety Old Lady's grandkids just want cash. Bottom line, another toyless Christmas.

I suggested that maybe we have a kid. That didn't go over very well. She said caring for one big baby at a time is enough. I have no idea what she was talking about. Maybe she was just cranky because I complained that she didn't stir my hot chocolate right. She can be like that, you know.

But I like toys, darn it. I thought about setting up my trains (I have a few hundred) but they bore me.

I have suggested to the Crotchety Old Lady how much fun it would be to set up a slot car track in the living room, but she's against it. *sigh*

I even picked one nice set out for her, and I'm pretty sure that annoyed her even more.



There is just no making that woman happy some days.

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Caption this

Happy Holiday Edition



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Two for Tuesday

I'm going to really get a lot of mileage out of the "Two fer" concept.

First, the blog received 2 awards.

One is from the Goddess at http://www.overfortyandlovingit.com/ (which is a personal blog)



and the second is from http://www.castocreationsjewelry.blogspot.com/ (which is a place to find nice hand- crafted jewelry)


I don't usually pass them along for a couple reasons. First, I usually pass them along to Jenn, and she complained about the upkeep. You know, virtual dusting. Liberal applications of Glass Wax, stuff like that. Second, they come with so many rules, I will most likely screw them up. Rather than do that, and put a burden on the recipient, I'm just going to give an award, stringless as it were, and show some of my readers some of the great blogs I read.

I'd like to pass along one award to Charmaine at www.charmaine-greymatters.blogspot.com/
Charmaine describes her misadventures as a woman in her 40's in the dating world. She is hilarious. When she takes a "dating break" she posts some awesome recipes, along with a story. In her most recent post, she talked about veal. I haven't eaten veal since sometime in the 1980's, and after reading her post, I'm still not eating veal, but she makes a compelling argument for some veal dish this weekend. I'd like to bestow the Kreativ Blogger Award on her.

The next blog I'd like to highlight, and give the Blog Love award to Laura from www.junkfoodaholic.com/
and her husband Paul from http://www.paulshealthblog.com/

Talk about really pushing the Two fer concept. This husband and wife team write seperate health blogs and are both a good read. I hope you enjoy all the blogs I highlighted today.

I'm going to be busy scouring the interwebs searching for an extra special picture to caption this week.

Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid It will be interesting.


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This Bank Can Not Fail

We have joined with over 100 New Jersey Bloggers to raise awareness (and a little cash) to help out New Jersey's Community Food Bank. With the economy so bad, donations are way down. I know so many are hurting, and the Crotchety Household budget is stretched kind of thin, too. I'm squeezing out a couple bucks and passing it along. I know I am asking to help NJ residents, but, if you live in an area that is hurting, I'm sure your neighbors there could use the help, too. I won't mind if you made a local donation.
And if you are lucky enough to live in the Garden State, maybe you could brownbag lunch one day this week, or skip the coffee at DD, and send a few bucks along. If everyone does a little, it will mean a lot.



One thing many of us don't understand unless we have personal experience is that our social network in the USA has some flaws, some cracks to fall through as it were. I've been fortunate enough that I had family to help me out, and not so long ago, I was nearly in deep sh*t. My medical bills were about seven hundred dollars a month more than I made. One med was $600 per month alone. According to the various social service people I contacted, I didn't qualify for any assistance because I made too much. They only go by the gross amount, so you can easily see how someone with a special situation could find themselves in trouble quickly.

Here's a list of the participants:
http://www.jerseybites.com/2008/12/bloggers-unite-to-fight-hunger-in-new.html

Here's where a few bucks could be tossed:
http://cfbnj.convio.net/site/PageServer?pagename=Main_index

I'll be back to the usual nonsense tomorrow.

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Beginning to look a lot like Christmas

We are starting to get in the Holiday spirit here at Casa Crotchety. Not decorating or anything like that because, well, that takes effort. But we have been watching a lot of Christmas TV Shows.
It dawned on me that I have watched Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer every single year since it first aired. I need a life.

Speaking of all the nonsense floating around in my brain: do you know the name of the Little Drummer Boy? He had a first name. And not fair if you use the Google.

Anyway, while poking around youtube looking for a classic commercial or two I found this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cx2dCwugN5A

When I was a little Crotchety, I remember thinking that was the height of Christmas Festive Adornment for the house. Obviously, I didn't get out much.

But anyway, we have been blasting the all Christmas music station for a week, and spent Saturday watching Cartoon Network. I have reached the following conclusions:
1. Olive the Other Reindeer may be my new favorite movie


2. Ross Bagdasarian Sr. (aka Dave Seville) was a genius
3. Brenda Lee has some weird accent or speech impediment that borders on yodeling

After reading all the complaints about Christmas music, I wanted to make my own top 10 list of songs I could listen to every day (in no order):
1. Silver Bells 2. Christmas Don't be Late 3. Dominic the Donkey 4. Have a Holly Jolly Christmas 5. Christmas Wrapping 6. Father Christmas 7. Hippopotamus for Christmas 8. Jingle Bell Rock
9. Run Rudolph Run 10. The entire South Park Christmas Album. (so I cheated a bit. I absolutely love that album)

How could anyone get tired of those?

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Book Review Saturday

Welcome to an all new feature of the blog, my Satuday Book Review.

Don't get nervous that this will really become a regular feature. What are the odds that I am going to read another book? Considering I have not finished a book since Green Eggs and Ham, it's highly doubtful. In fact, I haven't even finished the book that I am reviewing today, but that's why I like this book so much.

Let me explain:

The book is Poems from a Baseball Fan by Howard Nobles. Mr. Nobles is the father of The Hawg from http://naturalhawg.blogspot.com/ .

I know what you are thinking, "Crotchety.. poems... you?"

Hey, I'm a cultured guy. I swig beer sip tea and eat raw meat watercress sandwiches with the crusts cut off.

But being somewhat serious, these are poems about my favorite sport, baseball. And, since I know quite a bit about the history of the game, I really enjoyed some of the references to the old players like Eddie Gaedel. It's obvious Mr. Nobles is a long time fan.

The best part? His poems rhyme. None of those stupid haiku that I have complained about in the past. Just good, old fashioned, rhyming poetry. And a couple limericks for good measure. And, because they are independent, and short, they are perfect for someone like me with a short attentions span. I can open up to any page, and just read a poem or two.

My favorite is this limerick:
An error prone shortstop named Neft
Admitted that he was not deft
"I miss balls day and night
That are hit to my right
I also miss balls to my left."

The book can be ordered from Amazon, and would make a nice present for the old codger baseball fan in your life. It's a small book, too, not some ginormous coffee table edition that looks good sitting around, but never gets opened. And that is the purpose of books, I think. I have a few hundred here that I just read the first chapter or two, and then get distracted and never go back.

I wonder if Sam I am ever got him to try the Green Eggs and Ham?



Just some random stuff:
Is Pinoy the new Amway?

I had stuff delivered to my home. I live on a major road. Everyone in my state has heard of it. Most people on the East Coast have heard of it. Delivery company asked for a cross street. Why does the delivery guy drive up and down the cross street looking for my home?

Do you ever check to see how your blog loads? If you have lots of widgets and ads, and icons and videos and assorted crap, you probably should.

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