You Say It's Your Birthday

You say it's your birthday
It's my birthday too--yeah
They say it's your birthday
We're gonna have a good time
I'm glad it's your birthday
Happy birthday to you.

Beatles White Album

Happy Birthday to William Tecumseh Sherman, Jules Verne, Gary Coleman, and of course, Kirsten D, the Soccer Mom, one of my absolute favorite bloggers around. Yes, that is her avatar on my TV screen.

Yet only one of these famous people is turning, ermmm,

40

I know, I can't believe it either. America's favorite Soccer Mom, the ref's worst nightmare, has turned the big

Four Oh.

as in "Oh my gawd, she's a for real adult, now."

It's not that bad. Truly. She will get over it. She could easily pass for a woman many years younger, and if needed, we all know Kirsten can still put the smackdown on any of the obnoxious women at soccer games, and drink any of the wimpy soccer dads under the table.

Just keep that Pimp cup filled, yo

And stop by her blog for the best in parenting tips, reality TV updates, and redneck shenanigans. Hers is a humor blog that I read every single day.

Be sure to wish her a most happy 40th. She'll be partying like a rock star all weekend.


http://momjeansblogger.blogspot.com/

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

I'm being stalked

By my old cell phone company. In addition to daily emails, I also get phone calls on my home phone, and they are tricky.
The prompt says that if "You don't wish to hear from Trikphone any longer, press one." The prompt then says, "Welcome to Trikphone" and then starts to go into a spiel to hook me up with the phone service.

Bastages.

And I still get called a couple times a week about my timeshare.

"Would you like to sell if I can guarantee you a profit?"

No.

"Would you like to buy more time?"

So, that must mean someone is selling at a profit, which means I get ripped off, because I could just buy it from the original company (Wyndham Properties, which is doing quite well, BTW.)

If it weren't for telemarketers, no one calls, so I do look forward to hearing from them.

Any suggestions on how to mess with them?

www.humorbloggers.com

Oprah's Va Jay Jay update

Before we get to the big Oprah's Va Jay Jay news (and it's big--the news not her va jay jay, though I have no idea, really)

First, the caption contest winner announcements.

It was a close contest, as usual. And with over 40 captions, it was tough for the staff at Crotchety Old Man World Wide Headquarters and Discount House of Worship.

There were 7 captions that received first place votes; Secondary Roads, Humorsmith, Lauren, The Hawg, Kirsten, Jen, and Marie.

Points were also scored by MA Fat Woman, Fashiona, Chica, I Hate Commercials, Ahem, and Stacie.



The winner, in the closest contest yet was



The new St. Pauli Girls
By Lauren

Second place went to Marie, and third was Kirsten. I don't usually award second and third place prizes, but they were so good, and it was so close, I'll be passing them out this week.

Now, onto Oprah Va Jay Jay news. I was Googling that search term the other day (yeah, too much free time) and saw that her va jay jay has its own website
http://www.oprahsvajayjay.com/

The woman is even more ambitious that ever.

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Principal's Office

As everyone knows, I watch a lot of TV. Just look at my avatar, and it's obvious I've been doing this for a while.

You could say I'm somewhat of a TV expert. So, when I find a new show, and give it a thumbs up, make sure you look for it. truTV has a show that is currently among my favorites. It is called the Principal's Office and is on Thursday at 10 p.m. EST. Check your guide for time. It is available at other times, too. Cable channels are like that.

The show is a reality based one, where various high school principals across the country are recorded dealing with their students discipline situations.

As expected, these are mostly funny problems. The sad part is, they are probably pretty typical. While watching the show, I thought about the Spawn's high school years, and I could see her in all these situations. One such episode was a student called into the office for leaving school grounds. Her excuse? It was just to get coffee. The sheer cluelessness of the students is what makes it so entertaining.

Kids had food delivered for lunch, rode bikes or skateboards through the school and engaged in what can only be described as dumbass shenanigans. And, when caught, could only make up lame excuses, or claim ignorance. How would one know it is inappropriate to scooter in the hallways if it isn't posted? That is a typical defense.

Give the show a watch. I'll bet it becomes one of your favorites, too.

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Caption This

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Bruce Springsteen, just another yappy jerk

Before I get to Bruce Springsteen, I'd like to let everyone know this is a two fer, as youse are getting two yappy putzes (putzi?) for one admission price.

Springsteen has been one to lecture everyone for years. There is something about celebrities. It seems they just can't help themselves, as they need to tell everyone what to do and how to live. One of Bruce's favorite topics has been worker's rights. He is quick to tell us how business needs to treat everyone better. Bruce likes to tell us how to vote, who to donate money to, and really, just about everything except how not to cheat on one's spouse. Hey, he's not perfect, just better than us.
Anyway, it seems ol' Bruce is releasing a greatest hits album (yes, another one) and it is a WalMart Exclusive. You know, the same WalMart with policies that the Boss always speaks out against. Suddenly, WalMart is okie dokie with him.

Oh wait, he apologized to his fans, so it is all good now. Of course he'll take the money, but he is going to feel slightly bad about it, I'm sure. But what I really enjoyed was Bruce trying to act as if he was "one of us" by performing at the Super Bowl half time show, throwing in a couple football terms into "Glory Days" and announcing that he was "Going to Disney Land." I wonder if anyone should tell the putz that the Super Bowl MVP doesn't say that. I don't think they ever have. They announce that they are going to Disney World. Yeah, he's one of us. If I hear about his background from the streets of New Jersey one more time, I'm probably going to throw up. That was 40 years ago. He lives in New Jersey still, but I'd be arrested just driving through his uber exclusive 'hood.

The next is Al Gore, Mr. Green Jeans himself. He just loves to tell everyone what to do about global warming and how we need to be more environmentally conscious. How close we are to the "tipping point."
Nice to know he just picked up a new custom made 100' long houseboat. It is environmentally friendly (supposedly) and uses less energy than other 100' long houseboats. The cost is estimated to be between $500,000 and $1,000,000. Telling us what to do has been very, very good for Al Gore.

Telling us what to do pays well

I'm just guessing that the boat is about 15' wide, which makes it around 1500 sq feet. Or about the size of a 3 bedroom home, which is the size of the home many of us probably lived in when we were kids.


I recently interviewed Shadow Crystal, who is one of my first blogger friends. Make sure you check it out.
http://internettreasuretrove.blogspot.com/2009/01/so-i-in-hot-seat.html

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Happy Groundhog Day

I'm not going to tell you about Punxsutawney Phil or Beau, the South's groundhog. To be honest, it is all legend, and based upon superstition.

New Jersey decided a few years ago to have their own season forecasting weather rat, which they named Simms, after Giants great Phil Simms. Apparently, Phil is the name of choice for oversized Northeast rodents. After a couple years, they realized how dumb it was, and I like to think they let the rat free, to roam the vast woodlands of NJ. More than likely, the stupid thing ran out on Route 1 and was road pizza in less than an hour.

But no, I need to tell you about Groundhog Day, one of the most important movies ever.

The first real date I ever went on with the Crotchety Old Lady was to see Groundhog Day.

It was a magical night. Ok, as magical as a night in a New Jersey movie theater with a bucket of popcorn and a Dr. Pepper can get. We met in the parking lot, giddy that we got away from our respective families for the night.

Once inside, we acted like a couple of lovestruck spit swapping teenagers.

At the end of the film, we exited the theater, and sat in our cars and chatted for hours, until eventually, we had to go our seperate ways. And, just like in the movie, we kept meeting again, until we I got it right.



Check back tomorrow to see why Bruce Springsteen is just another yappy, self aggrandizing celebrity putz.
http://www.humorbloggers.com/

It's Super Sunday

Did you notice the term



is used almost haphazardly?

Most advertisers refer to it as the "Big Game." Did you ever wonder why?

The reason, and don't laugh because it is this stupid, the NFL owns the rights to "Sooper Bowl" and demands payment for its use. So, while everybody and their brother knows which game is being spoken of, yet won't use the term, in order to not have to pay for it.

Kind of reminds you of a religious practice of not taking the name of the Higher Power in vain. And football is a religion by most accepted standards. The congregation meets at an appointed time, engages in ritualistic behavior, has faith that their team will win (unless they are Lions fans) and many build small shrines in their homes to reinforce their belief system.

Great plays are given names like the Immaculate Reception, and, every so often, a team like the 2007-8 Giants or Joe Nameth's Jets will pull a miracle and beat a team that is considered much better.

Tomorrow is a day of many parties, lots of food, a Feast Day, as it were. Think Christmas or Easter, but with nachos and pizza instead of ham or turkey.

Have a great day. And may Vince Lombardi Bless you.

Game coverage starts at 6:30 AM with Mike and Mike on ESPN 2.

Kickoff is a mere 11 1/2 hours later.

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Crotchety's Tips for winter

We have gotten hit with snow storms recently, and it's time to share some of my sure fire helpful tips for dealing with harsh weather.

It should be pointed out that shoveling snow is very good exercise, and helps the Crotchety Old Lady keep her womanly, if slightly Rubenesque, figure. I'm sure she appreciates the opportunity to get in a nice workout in what is usually a time of the year that many find it hard to do so.



First, before going out to shovel snow, it is important to have a good breakfast. This is the most important meal of the day, and can't be stressed too much. So, after I make my breakfast, I insist that the Crotchety Old Lady make herself something that will stick to her ribs like oatmeal or eggs. After she finishes the dishes, it is vital that she dress for the weather. I don't want her to catch a cold or something that will wind up forcing her to be laid up in bed or to miss work.

Layers are crucial. Bulky coats make it hard to shovel, and as she works up a sweat, she could get too warm, which is nearly as dangerous as being too cold.

And don't forget proper equipment. The Crotchety Old Lady deserves the best that money can buy, so I got her

Nothing is too good for her

Once she is ready to face the elements, I make sure that she has her earmuffs, mittens, scarf, and a warm hat.

And then comes the most essential part--I encourage her to go out and shovel the walkways. That's right, the key element in snow removal is mine as "The Encourager."

I remind her to take out the brush for cleaning off my car, and shove help her out the door.

A few hours later, after cleaning the walks and properly salting them, and cleaning the car, she comes in and the first thing I do is remind her to make some tea. It will help warm her up, and, well, opening the door gives me a slight chill. So, it's kind of win-win. And it gives her a chance to do something for me, which she really enjoys.

But, of course, I do tend to rush her a bit because she needs to go to work. And she'll appreciate that the walkways are nice and clean, too.

You are probably thinking that I do too much for her, but she deserves it. And by now, everyone knows I just give and give, it's just my nature.


http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Contest Winner Announced; Blogosphere Shocked

The staff at Crotchety Old Man Worldwide Headquarters and Discount House of Worship have all cast their ballots, and talk about a surprise. The 2 Donnas voted nearly identically, which nearly guaranteed a win for the cationer lucky enough to make them both laugh. And someone did.

But first, the wrap up. Points were scored by Offended Blogger, Dani, MA, Swirl, Rubba, Tahtimbo, FishHawk, Kathy, and Alicia. First place points were tallied by Reforming, Angry Max, and Dizzblnd. But the winner, with more than half of the first place votes was:



Mary had a fairy lamb, it's fleece was gay as dayglo.
By LL

He gets the Zucchini



Second place goes to Dizzblnd, and third was Reforming Geek.

Congratulations to everyone, and thanks for making this a great contest again.

Be sure to stop by tomorrow for winter tips for snow shoveling while staying safe and warm.

Also, anyone who wanted to be interviewed as per the previous post, please send me your email address. Mine is listed on the side. Thanks.


http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Happy Birthday Oprah

Oprah is the smartest person on the planet. Easily.



Think about it for a minute: she has millions of fans, all of whom worship love her because they believe she is just like them. They read what she reads, they donate to who she donates, and they buy what she buys.

Oprah makes, according to estimates, between 260 and 385 million dollars a year, and has managed to convince millions of fans that she is just like them. BTW, can you imagine making so much money that estimates can be off by as much as $120,000,000 per year? And, in case you are wondering, yes, she is easily a billionaire. Most estimates put her considerable fortune at over 1.3 billion. Just like all her fans.

About all they share with her is a va jay jay, but don't tell them that.

I can say that, because I doubt she has many fans who have twigs and berries. *Wink wink nudge nudge* you know what I mean? She managed to convince her public that she was apolitical. Considering that she did everything but sodomize Obama on the Tom Cruise couch

it was a tribute to her genius.

About the only other thing she has in common with these adoring mutants fans is an ongoing battle with her weight.

Conveniently, she got fat just as some of her audience caught on that perhaps she was less than up front about her political involvement.

But damn, we all love a fat and upset Oprah.


Happy Birthday, Oprah

Have some. It's good for ratings

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Caption This

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Best Whacking Day Ever

Every other month or so is Whacking Day in the Crotchety household.

Not that kind

I go to see Doctor Sergi, who takes a scalpel or really expensive clippers and whacks at my foot for a while. This procedure is called debriding (pronounced either as debreeding or de bride ing,) which is kind of funny because my foot never was a bride, nor did it ever breed. I prefer to call it whacking.

Anyway, after whacking, my toe nails get clipped, and then comes the really bizarre part, he uses a

Dremel Moto tool

to finish them off. It's just a strange experience.

But this was a good day.

The Spawn drove me to Subway, and while she was inside getting me my 5 dollar foot long, what should blow past my car, but a crisp Andrew Jackson.

Sweet.

So, I'm cutting this short, and need to search for a picture for tomorrow's caption. It will be a good one.

Be afraid.


www.humorbloggers.com

I'm Usually Against Beating Kids but...

I'm pretty annoyed with commercials, TV shows, movies, and every other form of media where the kids are seen as in control. The latest commercial for the Chevy Traverse is just one more example. I've included the link in case you haven't seen this 30 seconds of annoying kid chatter.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mYNFX2QLGWM

The kid wants respect. The kid wants the bigger vehicle. The kid wants the other seat. The kid wants...

I want the kid to shut the hell up. What 8 year old kid should have the final word on a nearly $30,000 purchase? Does this kid have a job? (I guess acting in commercials could be a job, but TV is expecting me to suspend belief and think this is a more or less normal, runny-nose brat.)

The days of Leave it to Beaver family life is long past, and that isn't the issue. In nearly every commercial, every show, every movie--the Dad, any male figure, really, is a dunce, and the kids run the household, while Mom may or may not have any input.

Seriously, what the heck is wrong with directors/writers/producers that they put kids in charge? I don't like, but understand, marketing toys, Happy Meals, and cereal to kids, but cars?

I've had enough of the precocious little pests, have you?


http://www.humorbloggers.com/

What's for lunch at Casa Crotchety?

I felt great yesterday when I read the Jannaverse and noted that to celebrate National Peanut Butter Day, she listed several weird things folks put on their peanut butter sandwich besides the standard jelly.
Sure, there were some weird things like PB & mustard, but I was happy to see my personal favorite, peanut butter and tomato, was listed. This is absolutely my favorite sandwich ever. At times, I've gone several weeks straight eating it for lunch every day. Occasionally, I'll kick it up a notch and add jalapeno peppers to it, along with the tomato.

Apparently, this is considered a slightly unusual thing, so I got to wondering if anyone thought any of my other food combinations were uncommon.

More than once, it has been pointed out that the way I eat French Toast is bordering on disgusting. I've seen plenty of others top theirs with butter and sugar or syrup. I use ketchup. It makes perfect sense, as it is eggs and toast (aka a gussied up egg sandwich,) and what goes on an egg sandwich but ketchup? Very few see it my way.

Thinking about it, I put ketchup on nearly everything. I don't eat a lot of animal parts, but those I do eat usually get covered in the 57 Varieties stuff. Beef? Of course. Chicken? Who doesn't? Fish? Only way I can eat it. Pork? What else goes on sausage with pepper and onions or even a ham sandwich? Is it even possible to eat peas, mushrooms, or potatoes without ketchup? I'll never risk it.

What odd foods do you eat?


http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Has PETA gone too far?

By now, I'm sure everyone has heard that PETA is trying to change the name of fish to "sea kittens" so kids won't eat fish. I wish I could make up stuff this funny.

So, now, I wonder what land kittens taste like.

Oh wait, never mind. I'm pretty sure I already know.



But with Valentine's Day coming, I have started to worry about the living beings among us who have no voice, the flowers. Roses, for example are brutally sliced off the Mother plant, and the lucky ones are stuck in a vase, gasping for nutrition, until they finally die slowly, a petal at a time dropping off. I'm going to need a minute here......


Thanks.

We must care about the petal endowed. Does not a petunia scream when it is cut down in the prime of it's life? Have you ever seen a tulip as it's lifeblood seeps out?

I have, and it's not pleasant I tell you.

Stop murdering mums, bludgeoning begonias, and ravaging roses. Flowers deserve the chance to live out their lives in peace and harmony. You just can't spell petal without PETA. They need to get on this ASAP.

Flora kittens need love, too.



http://www.humorbloggers.com/

The Judges have Spoken

In a very close decision, the judges at Crotchety Old Man World Wide Headquarters and Discount House of Worship made the tough choice.
This was the biggest contest yet, with 50 entries. The judges had to put in overtime to reach a concensus. And they did.

Before we announce the winner of the first caption contest of the Obama Administration, it is necessary to give props to all those who racked up points. John, Rubba, Jormen, Lord Loser, Reforming Geek, Jenn, Humorsmith, Staci, and Marvel all scored.


"Dude, how long have we been passed out"?
MA Fat Woman

She wins the Zucchini, along with 500 entrecard credits.



A very close second place went to Kevin John, and Paul was third.

I'm still waiting for the Crotchety Old Lady to get her camera all set up with the stupid batteries. I'm making a list of stuff to take pictures of so youse can go with me on a photo journal trip through Central New Jersey, and, of course, get to see the legendary Rutherford B Hayes kidney stone.
http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Catching up on Stuff

The first interview should be posted on the The Hawg's blog today. I'm sure his answers will be very interesting as he writes one of the best and most entertaining blogs.

Is everyone sick of the Obama Inauguration and Presidency yet? At least the ridiculous amount of coverage? Does CNN do anything any more except cover every movement by Mr. Obama?

The lead story on the PBS news? "Day 2 of the Obama Presidency." How long will this unbelievably ridiculous amount of coverage last? Approval polls are out based upon nothing. Give the guy a chance for heaven's sake. What is the point of keeping anyone under a microscope like this?

And while I'm busy complaining about things, how many times a day do I have to see the commercial about polar bears starving due to whatever the heck it is I am doing wrong? What would happen if all the polar bears died off? Would the world become over run wth seals or penguins or salmon or whatever they eat when they aren't chasing Sarah Palin? Is there a downside to this? Everyone likes seals and penguins, while polar bears are are the murderous coke whores of the animal kingdom.

I'd kill you for a Coke

Make sure you check out The Natural State Hawg's interview, and I'll be getting out the questions for everyone else ASAP. Have a happy day 3 of the Obama Presidency.


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Caption This

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Crotchety Gets Interviewed

Patricia from Subjective Soup interviewed me and asked me 5 questions. Here are her questions and my answers.

1. Your profile says you are 90. That can't possibly be true, can it? You seem much younger.

I usually pick the oldest age that the system allows. On some bios, I'm 108.
I am younger than that: however, in the fields in which I work, and the jobs I've had, I am usually the oldest person in the group.
I went back to college in my 40's, so in every class, I was the old man.

2. I get that you're crotchety, but isn't there something that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy? What is it?

I'm fairly crotchety, but my family makes me warm and fuzzy. And puppies.

3. You have four blogs. How do you do it?

My main blog I update daily, the others are a bit more sporadically. I decided to do four because they are so different. I didn't think most readers would want to read about the Yankees and diabetes on a humor blog. I try to keep my blogs as almost separate worlds. I keep up by having no life. :)

4. Your profile says you like polka music. Does that mean you know how to polka? Could you teach us?

Not really. I'm more a fan of classic Rock and Roll, but polka music makes me happy, too. I couldn't dance it if I had to save my life.

5. Of all the things that make you crotchety, what is the worst?

Blatant stupidity, mixed with arrogance. I'm sure we all run into the person who explains the obvious, and gets it wrong anyway. That drives me nuts. Or they ask a question, and argue with your answer. I've had drivers ask me for directions, and then dispute what I told them. Almost made me forget which one of us was lost.

If anyone would like to be interviewed by me, leave me a comment, or email me. The address is on the side. Just put something in the subject so I know it's you. The interview will be personalized based upon your blog.

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Crotchety the Etymologist

I pay attention to words, how they are used, what they mean, and that stuff. I guess I could be a junior etymologist. I like words, but I'm not really committed to them.

Anyway, some words are starting to just really annoy me. The current one is "historical." I get it, Obama is the first President with African roots, or whatever the heck the press has decided is so historical. Our first black President? Our first half black President? Whatever, anyway, every single thing he does is historical.

Ok, by definition, isn't everything everyone does historical? Could the word be any more overused? Is there anyone in America left who doesn't realize that everything Obama does will be the first time he does it as President? It's all historical. Enough with the historical hysteria.

The next word that is really getting on my last nerve is "natural." Pizza Hut has an all natural pizza, with natural pepperoni. Yeah, I hate those other pizza joints that sell pizza with fake pepperoni.

And what the heck is a natural ingredient? The pizza could be made from whale testes and sewage sludge and would be natural.

Do you know what is in natural pepperoni? Do you want to know? I'd guess not. Do you care? If you did, you probably wouldn't eat pepperoni, natural or otherwise.

And I leave you with this: Am I the only one bothered by commercials in favor of high fructose corn syrup? The average American consumes 40 lbs of that crap per year, and the commercial states it's fine in moderation. What is moderation? We currently consume nearly a pound per week per person. No wonder we are so fat. No one ever explained moderation. Maybe the commercial should state that, too.


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The Tale of the Bumble Beetle

There is a sordid part of my past that few know about.

I used to steal cars.

Oh, before you get the wrong idea, I never kept them, or sold them, or anything like that. In fact, I always returned them in the same condition. And they belonged to my friends, so it was all good. My larcenous behavior wasn't my fault, really. I was so easily led astray.

The first car I stole belonged to George. It was an older Chevy Nova, and very easy to heist. My buddy Vinny (Ed. Note: Crotchety lived in an Italian community in New Jersey. There is a Vinny in every story, as required by law.) and I were hanging around Burger King late on a Friday night, and George was busy inside working. Vinny suggested that we hide George's car. Which implies, of course that we break into it, and move it somewhere else. Breaking in was pretty simple as he left the windows open. We slipped the car into neutral (old cars don't require a key to do this) and we proceeded to push the car across the lot, and hid it in some large bushes on the property of the business next door.

George came out a short while later, and we were in our usual position, leaning on my Plymouth Duster. George looked confused, as he seemed to remember parking his car where my car was. After a nervous few minutes, he started to get upset, and without telling him how it got there, we "noticed" part of the car sticking out of the bushes. George was relieved. For the next few weeks, we hid George's car in a different place every night. It sort of became a game for George, too.

But that was nothing compared to the Bumble Beetle. Our friend Ken had a car called either the Bumble Bug or the Bumble Beetle. It was a Volkswagon Beetle, about a 1966 or so. For reasons known only to himself and his Creator, Ken's dad, the former owner, decided that it would look great painted yellow and black. We dubbed it the Bumble Beetle.

Artist's rendering

As you can imagine, the car was rather distinctive looking. Ken could not go anywhere and not get recognized, or at least spotted by us. The first time this became apparent was when Ken went to Korvette's to buy something or other. I was driving around with Bob, another car thief buddy, and we spotted the Bumble Beetle in the parking lot.

"You know what would be funny?"
What?
"Let's do something to the Bumble Beetle"

So, we got the Beetle, and moved it to a spot that was nearly impossible to get out of. It was wedged between 2 cars, facing the wrong way. Ken had to wait until at least one of the shoppers moved before he could go home.

Bird's eye View

Keep in mind, the Beetle could be spun around to fit in many different positions, all of which were impossible to drive out of.

We spent the rest of that summer stalking Ken and finding new places to drag his car. If there was a curb, the Beetle always wound up on it. A ridiculous spot to get wedged into? In went the Bumble Beetle.

Good times.

Need a car jacked? Check out :
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Insurance companies suck, too

I just started a business relationship with Appreciation Boxes (a link is on my page) and one of the major benefits is that I can purchase health insurance. It is with a different company than the thieving bastages professional insurance company I am currently sort of insured with.
Forget that the new company has already lost parts of the application at least once. I can only presume they will get better. My current company, which rhymes with Schmaetna, has been pretty bad as apparently I am only covered if I get sick during an eclipse. On a Wednesday. In a year divisible by 4. Unless it rains more than average.

And it only cost me $650 per month for just me with no scripts.

I have to wonder just how much money gets stolen wasted by insurance companies. I know when my car insurance was supposed to pay for my loan when I lost my job due to injury, they "lost" my paperwork every other month. Of the 12 months I was eligible, they made 3 payments. Bastards.

When my Mom passed away, it took years to get the inurance companies to settle the claims. They had no problem taking payments for decades, but when it was time to pay up, well, you wouldn't believe how many times things "got lost." And how often they were confused and befuddled. At one point, they didn't understand that if they were on the phone with the executor of an estate it meant the insured had passed away and was not able to come to the phone. My sister handled that, and had to explain to more than one "agent" that little fact and bit of tricky language trivia.

And the latest?

In order to prove to the new company that I had insurance before, I have to get something from the old company.

I called Schmaetna, and after waiting for an interminably long time due to various "time saving menus," I had to talk to customer service. Funny name. Here, I expected service, and it turns into a DIY project. They operate exactly like a modern company as after all this is 1957 2009.

Here's the procedure: I need to fax or mail a letter to them letting them know I no longer want their insurance.
OK, I suppose that is good. It would prevent someone from just calling in and screwing up another's insurance because at least they will have some sort of written proof.
But here's where it gets stupid. They will then mail me a letter confirming that they have my cancellation, which I can then send to the new company. The new company said it may take up to 30 days to get everything in the system.

Excuse me--30 days? A transaction this simple should take, at most, a few minutes, and they told me to call after 30 days to see if it's done?

Ok, bear in mind, there is nothing to input except a checkmark indicating that I had insurance in the past. Possibly, they may need to enter the account number of the old insurance.
30 days? 30 minutes would be a ridiculously long time.

These morons have simply instituted an entire layer of annoyance just to justify higher costs. Costs that are regulated by the gubmint, the same gubmint with elected officials who are so heavily financed by insurance companies. Sure gives one pause, doesn't it?

I'm pretty cranky about this. I'll make it up to you with a funny post tomorrow, The Tale of the Bumble Beetle.

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Caption this winner announced

The staff at Crotchety Old Man World Wide Headquarters and Discount House of Worship had their work cut out for them this week. It was an unbelievably close contest as one point separated first and second place.

Plenty of points were scored as Lola, Dani, Mike, Jormen, Windmill, Self Deprechaun, Petra, Paul, and Lauren all tallied some points.

But the winning caption

Whamo! presents the new "Slip and Slut"
was submitted by Don. This is his second win.
Don gets the Zucchini and 500 entrecard credits.



Second place went to Lola, and third was Petra. Each of them did score very highly and made the judges job extremely difficult.

I spent quite a bit of time today fighting with insurance companies, who suck as bad as bankers.

I'll fill you in tomorrow.

In really stupid news, earlier today, a plane landed in the Hudson River. Everyone was safely taken off the plane within a short time. No one was hurt, nothing else happened. No huge fire, nothing. So, for hour after hour, the local news took over the entire TV schedule showing a picture of the plane while they interviewed everyone in NYC. I turned off the coverage and checked back. It was over 3 hours straight at one point-- 3 hours after everyone was safe and on land. I missed the Simpsons and Seinfeld.

The news is on now, with up to the minute coverage of the plane. For those keeping score at home, nothing has happened to the plane in the last 8 hours other than it has been towed to a pier. So, they are showing pictures of the plane sitting in the water at a dock. What could possibly be as interesting as a plane sitting in the river in the dark? The entire news cast is built around the plane. The weather guy is telling what the weather was like 8 hours ago when the plane went down. He just described what the water was like 8 hours ago. Let's see, it's January, and it's single digits outside, what would the water be like? I'm going to guess it was cold. You'd think this was some backwater town. Apparently nothing else happened in New York today.

8 hours of riveting TV

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Scientific Discovery in New Jersey

This week, in Central New Jersey, a cave was discovered and drawings were found on the walls. Scientists were called in from Rutgers University to study these drawings. Professor Emeritus Jonathon Frink led the group, and after hours of research it was determined that this was a vicious dinosaur that was being fed a woman. It made no sense, until Chelle B and the entire cabal from from Humorbloggersdotcom was consulted and they shed light on the drawing and its significance.



They studied it and announced to the scientific community that this was man's first joke.

"Take my wife,



please."




http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Caption This Wednesday, Spectacular prize

www.humorbloggers.com/

The stupidity continues

A friend of mine, Robert Cohen, a journalist and advocate for http://www.notmilk.com/ just sent a note with the stupid quote of the year.
To sum it up: In Indiana, a truckload of cattle, headed for the slaughterhouse, was in an accident. The cows were rounded up, and put on anoher truck, but a vet was called to the scene. The vet (Hargarten) was interviewed and said the cattle seemed almost none the worse for wear.

"I was amazed," he said. "I'm sure they're bruised and sore, and they'll probably feel it tomorrow."

They remained at the fairgrounds Friday afternoon, awaiting their owner to send a second truck to haul them to their original fate – the slaughterhouse.

So, I'm sure it will be a nice relaxing day for them in the slaughterhouse.

The next bit of really stupid news comes from the Brooklyn Cyclones, an affiliate of the NY Mets. It seems they plan to have a special night when they rename the team the Baracklyn Cyclones. http://site.baracklyncyclones.com/

Makes me glad I'm a Yankee fan.

And all this stupidity calls for one final thing. My blogging buddy, Janna had this test on one of her three very funny blogs. I had to find out my nerd quotient.

Was there ever a doubt?







www.humorbloggers.com

Stupid Monday edition

I fell asleep last night before doing my post, so I'm up at 4 a.m. bringing youse the latest in whatever the heck it is being brought. The stupid Giants lost the playoff game that they should have won, and I felt like I played the stupid game. It made me miss my nap, and I was uber cranky last night.

The Steelers won, so at least I'll have a team to root for through the rest of the playoffs.

Stupid Giants.

And another thing that is getting on my last nerve, and I get ready to throw something at the TV every time it's on, is those cash for gold commercials. Are there really people who have no idea gold is valuable? Really?

And now, with the economy in the dumper, there must be one of those commercials every 10 minutes.

And, inevitably, those are followed by a commercial for a Rent to Own appliance commercial. And the pitchman tries to come across as a well meaning uncle, giving you the chance to get needed items like a computer, refrigerator, and big screen TV. OK, who really needs a big screen TV? Especially one that is going to cost double or triple after paying all the fees.

PT Barnum would be a billionaire if he were around today.

And now, Billy Mays is yelling about health insurance. Yeah, I should buy insurance from the same guy selling me super putty, car scratch stuff, and over priced soap.

Thank goodness for Vince and ShamWow or I'd lose faith in all TV advertisements.

But the big mystery to me is, how the heck do the free credit report folks make any money? They give away reports for free. They must work on volume.


http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Wrapping up the week

Just like yesterday's garbage gets wrapped up and tossed away, last week should be over and done with. But the bank follow up is pretty interesting. I called first thing Saturday morning, and after pushing a couple buttons, listening to a few phone menus, finally, a customer barely service agent was reached.

Yes, bank policy is to freeze all my assets until I call and talk to a representative. Apparently, it is legal to freeze thousands in assets because I owed them 15 dollars.

Madoff bilks banks and others out of untold millions (billions?) and how many others default on millions, and yet, I am past due $15 and they are all over me. Bastages. I paid them off (it was only about $100 in total) and requested my fees be reversed, with me being a good customer and all. I need to call back again, because the Saturday customer barely service person doesn't have that kind of clout. Banks suck.

And while I'm complaining about thieves, I bought the Crotchety Old Lady a camera for Christmas. She used it for a month, and now it needs batteries. Ok, no biggie. What do you think batteries cost for that thing?

$30. For batteries that last a few weeks. I had her get the rechargeable ones instead, but holy crap. A Die Hard battery that will start a Buick in 0 degree weather (that's crazy cold temperature for our Celsius standard temperature readers) is only about double that. As soon as the batteries show up, she promised to take a picture of my kidney stone so it can be posted. It's worth the wait.

Saturday morning I borrowed a page from
Dead Rooster's sure fire method for seducing women.

I prepared the Crotchety Old Lady a nice breakfast, and washed the dishes. I made her an omelet with onions and home fries with Yukon Gold potatoes. And not a piece of poop related paraphenalia was exchanged.

The result?

Terrible.

She now believes that either
A. She's got some incurable illness and has days to live
or
B. I'm up to something nefarious

As I type, she is outside in the cold and dark, shoveling the snow. She has washed and ironed my underwear (which is nice, admittedly.) She is trying to prove to herself and me that she is as healthy as ever.

What a moral dilemma I have. Should I simply tell her the truth and let her read the blog post that encouraged me, or wait until she paints the shed?

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

It's Saturday, Crappy week continues

It has been a bad week, with the cable troubles earlier in the week, and now the week ends with aggravation.

Oh, and I am annoyed. In fact, an entire industry has me rankled.

Banks and Bankers.

I hate bankers. A lot. I suppose they must have a use, but overall, they are pretty damned slimy critters. I don't mean the nice lady who takes my piece of paper, and gives me other, more usable pieces of paper back. I mean the big mucky mucks. The turn our economy into crap while they make billions bankers.

I get a notice in the mail that I forgot to pay my credit card bill. I forgot to pay $15 on a bill of a bit over $100. Ok, my fault. I messed up.

So, I simply call the electronic payment thing and try to pay off the card. Like I stated, it's only a bit over $100. And I have more than $100 in THE SAME BANK. But, they froze my account. They charged me $29.00 because I forgot to pay $15. So far, they are charging me 100% interest (loan sharks call it the vig) on my late payment. It is due immediately, and that works out to 1200% interest annually.

Meanwhile, these thieving bastages, are paying me 1% interest on the money they are holding in my account that they have stolen froze.

Exactly how incompetant were banks that went under when they make such a tremendous profit?

And before anyone tells me that banks were forced to make bad loans by the gubmint, yeah, I know. And I also know that among the biggest contributors to political campaigns is the banking and finance industry. Gives one pause doesn't it?

I'm not in a very good mood today. I hate banks. Banks suck.

Do Amish people use banks?

Slightly Friendlier than Bankers

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Caption winner announced

This week the staff at Crotchety Old Man World Wide Headquarters and Discount House of Worship was in almost complete agreement. One caption was on every scorecard (this may be a first) and more than half scored it as best. This is what could be considered a landslide.

Before announcing the winner, it should be mentioned that Dzzblond and Jormenground were the only others who got first place votes, so it wound up a battle for second. And points were scored by Dana, Canucklehead, Chat, MA, FreetheUnicorns, SwirlGirl, and Matt.


In the sexy couple Marathon, Suzy and John were disqualified for doing the 68 and a half totally backwards.
By Etta Rose



She wins the Zucchini and 500 entrecard credits.

In a close race, second place went to Dizzblnd, and third to Canucklehead, with Jormengrand right behind him.

Thanks for participating in another great contest.

And as far as my getting in touch with my inner Abe Distelfink, it's probably not going to happen. Everyone who knows me has stated I would be a terrible Amish person. The combination of my laziness, along with my TV and computer addiction would cause miserable failure. Though it should be pointed out that black is slimming, so the clothes would be an advantage, and I do like wearing blue shirts. "Crotchety Old Amish Man Yells at Buggies" is an available domain.

I could be the only Amish blogger. Talk about niche blogging.


www.humorbloggers.com

Living The Plain Life

I've been living life like I'm one of the Plain People for the last few days, and I'm considering embracing it full time.

Yeah, I was living in an Amish Paradise. No telephone, no TV, and no internet access. If I decide to do this all the time, I need to make some changes. First, of course, I'll need a new name. How about Abraham Distelfink (you may call me Abe,) for my moniker? It's bibley and Amishy. Next, I guess I will need to learn a new trade. I can always change my hobby and yell at buggies, but I will need a real job to do in between the barn raisings, avoiding the English, going to meetings and whatever else I'll have to do. What the heck do they do all day? I checked The Google, but it didn't know because The Google must be English, and the Amish people hide from them or something.

Anyway, back to looking for a job. Jenn mentioned that the Amish are getting into the heating business. With a lot of experience in that field, that is a possibility, but it seems more craftmanship than banging on pipes, so maybe that won't be my niche.

Perhaps farming? Not planting stuff, because that stinks (have you ever been in Lancaster County during planting season--oy.) I suppose some form of ranching is a possibility. While I don't do well with nature, maybe that isn't the best idea. I won't make youse dig through my archives, just take my word for it, me and nature don't mix.

When the Spawn was about 4, I took her to the Terry Lou Zoo in NJ. This was sort of a retirement home for zoo animals. The ones that couldn't cut it in the circus, or were just too old to sit in a normal zoo, wound up in Scotch Plains, NJ. I couldn't find any pictures except the house that was in the middle of the grounds. Everything else is pretty much torn down.



Anyway, while wandering around, I noticed the giraffe was not looking very well. It had blood dripping from it's nose. I got the Spawn away from the giraffe although she wanted to pet it like the other kids did. Sorry, a giraffe with a bloody nose just kind of skeeved me. And, of course, I made the right move, because all the "good" parents who let their kids pet the giraffe were treated to something extra special when the giraffe sneezed, and the kids had a combination of giraffe snot and blood on them.

So ranching is out due to fear of getting sneezed on by nature.

Fahgeddaboudit. The cable guy just showed up. I'm back!!!

I probably wouldn't have fit in anyway







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Caption This--Twist and Shout Edition

Twisted week continues as this week's caption this is on a different blog where I am guest posting. So, in essence, I get to do extra work, while the Hussy Housewife goes snowboarding and sips chablis. I swear this seemed like a good idea when she suggested it.

Anyway, you can find the "caption this" picture at http://jamieandtnt.blogspot.com/

Leave your caption there, and check back here on Friday for the prizes and accolades, and of course, the Zucchini.

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Two for Tuesday

This is a very special Two For Tuesday. Most weeks a theme develops, and this week it seems to be twists. Tomorrow, the caption this will have a twist to it, and today's Two For is different in that it is one blogger, two blogs.

Two of my favorite things are humor (I do pretend to be a humorblogger) and history (I have a degree in History, and like to pretend I'm an out of work History teacher.) Anyway, what are the odds that I have found a blogger who apparently shares my same interests? I have. And I am a huge fan of this blogger.

Her name is Lidian and she writes the Virtual Dime Museum, http://thevirtualdimemuseum.blogspot.com/
which presents a daily snippet of local (NYC, usually) significance, and provides some good historical background.

But I did promise you a twofer, and here is her second blog Kitchen Retro.
http://kitchenretro.blogspot.com/
Now this is a misnomer, as her blog covers many different products, not just for the kitchen. In fact, some of her recent posts have shown many of the uses for Listerine and various hair products. And Listerine may be one of those hair products. Be afraid.

The Lemonade Award has been presented to the blog by the Snarky View Ladies from http://thesnarkyview.com





By now, everyone knows this comes with all kinds of rules that I don't follow. Basically, though, it is in appreciation for great attitude or gratitude. Stop snickering.

Anyway, I would like to thank the Snarky ladies, and also share a nice virtual lemonade in a Victorian setting with The ladies, and Lidian, and anyone who would like some.

Stop by tomorrow for caption with a twist.



www.humorbloggers.com

The Jannapedia

My fellow humorblogger (is a person a fellow humorblogger if that person is a she?) Janna at
http://jannaverse.blogspot.com/ has noticed that Google Captcha now uses almost words. She has created the Jannapedia for giving definitions to these new almost words.

I found myself doing the same thing, and they make me laugh, so I wanted to share a few with anyone interested in contributing to their own edition of the Jannapedia.

Hannism -- a near religious devotion to Hanna Barbera cartoons

Immutses -- Can't speak due to dropped cell phone call

Breba -- Short period of time

Nastrik -- A racing league for magicians

Toppee -- Opposite of Bottommee

Vingert--If you work in a sub sandwich shop (not Quizno's, I still hate them) after you put on the vinegar, it has been vingert

Zationss -- Things that are really great.

Harmour -- British word for practical joke when someone gets hurt

Mether--too blasé to pick either or neither

Stapses -- Things one steps upsess

Etings--The stuff left over after you eat, like bread crusts, shrimp shells, and such



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Sunday Breakfast at Tiffany's

I tried taking advice from Reforming Geek last week, and did something nice for the Crotchety Old Lady to try to get her in a better mood.

I guess I just don't understand that woman as well as I thought.

I made her a nice breakfast. I went all out. I made her her favorite breakfast--whole wheat toast. I even buttered it for her. No coffee because we have some high tech coffee maker that I don't know how to use. But I poured a nice glass of cold water. And not just tap water, mind you, but water I ran through the Brita pitcher, so it was like I prepared that too. What got her all riled up? Youse won't believe this. I didn't clean up the dishes I used for making her that gourmet breakfast.



There is just no making that woman happy.


www.humorbloggers.com

Caption winner announced; Blogosphere rejoices

The staff at Crotchety Old Man World Wide Headquarters and Discount House of Worship was put back to work immediately after our big New Year's blowout. Reeking of stale beer and cheap champagne, and suffering from massive hangovers Awake and alert, they got together and made their first selection of the year.

It was a great contest, and many captions got votes as Chica, Just a Blogger, Marvel Goose, Diva Cosmos, Self-Deprechan, and Kate all received first place votes as the best caption. Nicole, RutgersMB, Aoi, Jormen, David, Swirl Girl, and Lauren all received votes as great captions, too.

The first
of the year goes to


Man I would hate to be the one that has to put diaper rash ointment on that hairy deep dark crack!!

Seriously though..he is way too old to be in diapers. He should be in PULL UPS at least!!
The Hussy Housewife

A very close second was Just a Blogger, and third went to Chica.

Next week's contest is going to have a little twist, but I'm sure you'll enjoy it.



www.humorbloggers.com

Zippety Doo Dah

The Google is the greatest thing ever. I have always had a lot of questions, and before The Google, I was only able to call the librarian and ask her for help in finding answers to my most pressing questions. As you can imagine by the type of "research" that I do, the librarian was usually less than thrilled to hear from me. But now, I am able to find out in minutes any of the many questions that I had pondered for years.

For example: What do circuses and zoos do with animal poop? We know the monkeys just fling it at unsuspecting visitors, but what about elephants, rhinos, and giraffes? They don't have the luzury of a hand option.

According to the respected journal The Farmer's Almanac Ringling Brothers Circus donates elephant poop in every community in which they set up their tents. This is good news for the average gardener who is looking for free fertilizer.

But for those of us with a bit more style, well, this certainly beats a big nondescript bag o' pachyderm poop.

These are little elephant's, rhino's, hippo's and giraffes, made from their own doo, which has been heat sterilised. They are for use on outdoor pot and container plants and when watered, slowly dissolve releasing their nutrients.

Since everyone thought the jewelry was such a bad idea, would this be a better way to make up for not getting the Crotchety Old Lady a Christmas gift? She likes gardening and elephants, so that would work, right? Maybe I should get her a pack of seeds, too. I'll tell her it's a Do it Yourself Bouquet, so it's also a craft project. Win-win-win.

I really do so much for the woman. She still isn't speaking to me, and is probably really upset about that. Besides, I'm almost out of clean underwear, and I'm sure she wants to wash a few loads. Her greatest joy is in doing things for me. She's never said that, but I'm pretty sure that is how she feels.

Stop by tomorrow for the caption winners and more stuff.



http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Happy New Year

Happy New Year to everyone.

May this year produce health, wealth, and obviously, happiness.

And what a way to start off the new year.

The voting ended for Humorblogger of the Year and guess what?

The award

Designed by Rubba

goes to ME!!!

Thank you for your votes. I am so honored. I am so grateful to Chelle and all the members of Humorbloggers.com, the best group of humorbloggers anywhere. Everyone is welcome to stop by for free food and beer to read some of the best humorbloggers around. It is a fast growing group of truly funny folks.

By the way, I've heard it comes with a new car, and I'm pretty sure it will be hot.



Catch you tomorrow with a very special Thursday post as the previous theme will be renewed. Youse will never believe what I've found. Yeah, I have a lot of free time to search for the truly weird stuff.

http://www.humorbloggers.com/